How do I tell my daughter I don’t want her in my life?

Question

When I was in high school I was extremely popular and destined for great things. Although I was very successful academically, I was just like most teens, young and stupid and got myself pregnant 2 months before I got accepted into college. I was devasted because all my dreams were going to go down the drain because of this baby so I gave her up and never looked back. Now 22 years later I’m happily married with two beautiful daughters , 7 and 11, who mean the world to me and the wealth and social status I was destined for. Recently the daughter I gave up lost her adoptive mother to cancer and contacted me. We had lunch and I told her I did what I had to do to guarantee my future and that I didn’t want to hear from her again. She asked to meet her sisters just once without telling them who she was but I’m worried she’ll try to use them stay in my life. Why doesn’t she understand that the whole point of giving her up was to have this very life and that I don’t want her in it?

Answer 1

You sound like a selfish woman, and you probably didn't deserve her anyway.  I guess you got into college and have a successful life now.  That is the important thing isn't it?

Answer 2

First I think that your attitude toward your daughter then and now is extremely selfish.  You just need to be honest, but loving to her and tell her that you gave her up because that was what was best for the both of you at the time and you still feel that it is best for the both of you for things to remain as were.  Tell her that it has nothing to do with her but that it is your own issues that make having her in your life impossible for now.

You may later change your mind and want to have her there so leave the door open for future contact whether it be phone calls, emails or even letters if person to person contact is not anything you desire.  The least you can do is be there for her now as a friend, if not a mother, since she is reaching out to you, I imagine that contacting the mother that placed her for adoption was probably a very hard thing for her to do.

Open your heart, the way your post reads it sounds as though your heart is set on only money, power and status, those are not the things that matter and I pray that you see that before it's too late.  Your wants are not all that matters, you need to think of others as well and that includes your daughter.

Answer 3

WOW...It's hoes like you that need their kooch sewn together!!!  How DARE you say that you don't want anything to do with a life that you created.  You weren't destined for great things,,,U were destined to be a w***e and get knocked up like most teen girls.  What makes the 2 little girls you have now so much better than the life you created 22 years ago?    You gave her up to give yourself a better life and now you don't want her in it after you have acheived your goals???  Sounds like to me you just fell on some rich d**k and now you got money.  I hope you burn in h**l you worthless egg donor!!!!

Answer 4

Well, I understand that when you gave your daughter up for adoption, you were making a clean break and didn't anticipate ever seeing her or hearing from her again.

It is normal and natural, however, for adopted people to want to know and understand their biological families, because they don't lose their biological heritage when they get adopted. I think it's appropriate for you to give her the information she needs to feel comfortable with her biological heritage.

However, she seems to want something more. I am sure it was hard for her to lose her adoptive mother. Most people grieve a lot when they lose their moms and then move on. However, this young woman knew she had "another mother" still out there in you. So it seems to me that out of her grief, she is trying to feel less of a loss by building a relationship with you.

Having been through the reunion between my husband and his biological mother, I have to say that if this is your biological daughter's motivation, it's recipe for disaster. In my husband's case, his biological mother had a preconceived notion of what their relationship would be like. He made it clear right from the start that he had a mother in his adoptive mom and was not looking for another mother in any way. He respected his biological mom and considered her a close biological relative, but she wasn't "mom" to him and he didn't think she ever would be, so he made that clear to her.

Initially, she agreed, but as the months wore on, it started to irritate her more and more that he wouldn't call her mom. She started to demand this and even tried to discredit his adoptive parents (who, while not perfect, are wonderful people). The whole situation ended in heartache, with my husband wishing he'd never agreed to the reunion in the first place.

So here is what I would do in your shoes. I would call your biological daughter and tell her, "I know it must be just awful for you to have lost your mother. But you have to remember that I am NOT her. I will never be her. She's the mother who raised you...I'm practically a stranger. And even if you get to know me, I think you'll be always comparing me to her and always disappointed, because I can never be her."

Then tell her that she has your fullest sympathies for losing her mother, but that she needs time to grieve over that lost relationship. And you are not ready to have a relationship with her as mother-daughter -- you may never be. Tell her that whatever biological information she needs, you will be happy to share with her, but as two relatives from the same biological history, not as her mother.

And I agree that you should not arrange for her to visit your daughters. It was very hard on my son and his half-cousins when my husband reunited with his biological family, only to have his biological mother throw him out and tell him she never wanted to see any of us again. The relationship between you and your 22-year-old biological child is too nebulous to expose children to it.

Answer 5

Wow this is one sad situation. I honestly have nothing to say except good luck to you and your family.

Answer 6

Now that you have achieved everything she would be a barrier in 22 yrs ago, why dont you let her in your life?

Answer 7

Please be honest and understanding. This person is looking for something and you are the closest thing she has. I would suggest talking about this to your current husband and probably discussing it with your daughters. She is a part of you and I understand that you have 'moved on' but she hasn't and needs to understand and come to terms about this. Be compassionate as possible. I suggest meeting her at a therapists office to discuss this (in a neutral place will help with a mediator). Good luck and I hope you understand she needs support.

Answer 8

Wow....your comments are very disturbing and selfish to me. You gave her up because it interrupted your life and you couldn't raise her 22 years ago. I'd think you might be more grown up by now.

Answer 9

that is your child and she forgives you for giving her up to better your life.  she now needs a place to go, she wants to meet her sisters, she wants to be with you, her mother.  you are living the life you want, so why the h**l cant you except her into your life?  you was selfish then and you are still selfish.  bd

Answer 10

I could never imagine not wanting any of my children in my life.... I don't know how selfish you really are wanting to "protect" your status, but that is the fruit of your loins and all she wants is to know where she came from.  Giving her up was the right thing to do at the time, but rejecting her now???? I don't get it either. But I will pray for you all.

Answer 11

Tell her who her real Dad is and let her go look for his family. She wants to be part of a family and lost her adoptive mother so let her latch onto her biological father and his sisters, etc. to fill that need.

Answer 12

I totally agree with mark j and she can do much better than a *** hole like you for anything in this life.

Answer 13

Just who do you think you are lady? If you didn't want a child, you should have kept your legs closed!  You don't have the right to s***w up her life like that!  You can't play in a mud hole and expect not to get dirty.  You are an awful mother (if that's what you want to call yourself when, of course, it is convenient), no scratch that...an awful human being.  I hope that when you stand before our creator on judgment day that he gives you the same treatment you gave that child.  "the wealth and social status I was destined for"...give me a break; you are a s****. s l u t!  From your question, I couldn't gather as to why a respectful human being would want ANYTHING to do with such a cold, heartless *********.  Karma.....I hope you get yours!

Answer 14

Well, no matter how messed up this is, you do have a right not to see her. You gave her up, period. She wanted to meet you & did. This puts you under no obligation to no be her mother. As you said, her mother died of cancer. You were basically only the egg donor. You do not have to permit your children to see her. Once they are adults, you can tell them what happened & let them decide for themselves if they want to see thier sister. And do be ready for them to be mad at you.

You need to tell her you gave her up, it was somthing you had to do to better both of your lives & you do not want to relive it. You think it's best not to have any contact.

Answer 15

Ok, first look at this please: you have created huge problems for your daughter then you ever would have had raising her and not getting into the college you wanted.  Your daughter spent her life wondering why you didn't love her, and why you didn't want her.  She probably had millions of little friends who their grandparents could come up to her and pinch her cheaks and say "you look just like your mommy!"; and she could never have that.  And then she's lost the only women who actually loved her, and she's completely lost.  Every women needs/wants their mother, so she goes to look for the actual one, probably telling herself that you had to do what you had to do and you probably regret it just a little.  and that you probably want to see her.  Then you do this for her?  you'v crushed her life! When she has kids there will be no one there to tell her what to expect, or to be there when she gives birth.  Before worrying how she is going to ruin your life, think of how much she has lost and think really hard before taking something else from her

Answer 16

I pray that your daughter has a supportive and loving adoptive family, and it is sad she no longer has a mother to go to.  She is blessed that she did not have to be raised by you...because I am appalled at how selfish, cold and cruel you are.  What I hear you saying is that this young woman was merely an inconvenience to you...she was a bump in the road to wealth and success.  Have you considered the fact that she is a human being, with feelings?  

This young woman has questioned all her life what her biological family is like.  It does not sound like she is trying to have a big relationship with you, but to cut her out of your life a second time?  If you do not want her to meet your daughters, fine.  But please do some soul searching about how you have treated your own flesh and blood...whether she is flesh and blood you gave away or not.

Answer 17

you know i'm adopted too. and if you felt like that you just shouldn't have had her at all. she's not going to just get it. why can't she know her siblings. the hardest thing as an adopted kid is to know who you are. you aren't in the family that you're supposed to be so are you becoming the person you would have been all along or are you pretending to be who the family wants you to be to appeas them?

I'm not going to yell at you lik eeveryone else because your doing to her what happens to alot of us. fortunately for me i haven't found my mother so she hasn't said anything like that to me. she needs to know who she is and if she said she won't say anything to them then i say let her meet them. it's not her fault you gave her up. don't keep torturing her cause believe me she has been tortured enough and probably will be for th erest of her life. you at least owe her that much. Oh and give her her medical history so that if she decides to have kids she will know about any potential health risks.

Answer 18

lots of couple want child. and you're blessed to have that daughter.if i were in her shoe, i would never contact you again and forget that i have a mother or i better think that my mother is already dead...

that hurts right?

Answer 19

It wasnt your daughters fault you became pregnant dont put that trip on her. Let her back into your life otherwise you are missing a whole world of love and wonder. Status isnt everything people are.

Answer 20

this is the saddest thing Ive heard in a long time.

no matter how disgusting I find  a woman who would choose wealth and social status over a child,I have to admire your guts for daring to admit to it.a lot of women do the wishy washy,people pleasing thing so the child doesnt think they are bad.

adopting out a child because you did not want one at the time and knew you had nothing to give her,has to be commended, especially in this age of quick fix abortions.you gave this child life and a chance at life by giving her to someone who cared for her.that was good .and its good that you know now, that you still don't have anything to offer her.I don't think you'd be doing her any favors by continuing a relationship as long as you don't want to share all of your life with her.your first big mistake was agreeing to see her in the first place.

I'm helping to raise children like your daughter,I understand a child's need to connect with their birth mother.and I understand the rejection they feel with an unresponsive parent .but they heal a lot faster if the toxic parent just stays out of their life altogether.Tell her the hard fast truth.she,ll be hurt but in time will accept you ve done her a favor.

be forewarned though that when your other children are of age ,she may become part of their lives and youll have to answer a lot of uncomfortable questions then.

Answer 21

Let's see...I'm guessing that your current husband doesn't know that your daughter even exists, and you figure that her coming into the picture could destroy this pleasant little life you've made for yourself.

Do you think its fair to deprive your other daughters of the chance to know their sibling?

Answer 22

Try to put yourself in her situation.  This girl has and had decisions made for her that she had no control of and you are continuing to do that.  Why are your feelings more important than hers.  She may have spent her whole life not feeling any connection physically and possibly emotionally to anyone.  Whether you like it or not, you made a decision and now should be grown up enough to live with it.  You are not only depriving her but possibly your other two as you say beautiful daughters. I take it you don't consider her beautiful.  Guessing because she has caused another kink in your perfect life.  

What do you think your other daughters will think of you if sometime when they are much older they find out that you have not only kept this secret from them but didn't allow them the opportunity to meet her and made the decision for themselves.  I realize that the 7 year old is a little young but at 11 she is old enough to completely understand this.

While I understand that you do not have nor should you have any motherly attachment nor responsibility to this girl, you should have some moral and human responsibility to treat her  with dignity and the respect she deserves.  To just say go away and forget I ever had a part into bringing you into this world is truly cruel.  

It does not appear that you even gave her or yourself a chance to get to know each other.  Families are build in a second but friendship can sometimes take a little longer.

Sometimes the true selfishness of people in this world still makes me shake my head.

Answer 23

As the parent of an adopted teen, I understand your reluctance to enter into a relationship with your birth daughter. If you truly feel this way, then I suggest you be honest with your daughter. It is imperative that she realize that YOU are the one with the problem, and that she has done nothing wrong. An even better solution would be for both of you to seek counseling, either together or separately because she's going to feel (rightly so), that you are rejecting her again.

BTW, no one in this world is "destined for good things" and I'm sure you think you deserve "the wealth and social status [you were] destined for," but you seem to be narcissistic and grandiose in your thinking. You definitely need to seek counseling.

Answer 24

WOW! You sound like a horribly selfish person. I really hope your daughter realizes YOU arent worth having in HER life.

Answer 25

I totally agree with you. When you gave her up,you no longer had any rights to her. If I was you, I would NOT let her visit with your other children. You are NOT her mother. Sorry to hear that her mother died, but thats not your problem nor should it be your concern. I would just stay away from her and live your life.  Don't even except her phone calls,letters,ect.  You had your reasons and the rest of the world can call you what ever they would like, and thats ok. But I stnd behind your decision.

GOOD LUCK!!!!

Answer 26

Please everyone just block this b***h. Why she would even ask advice from anyone when her head is so prominently shoved so far up her own *** is beyond me. She couldn't possibly need real help.

Answer 27

If you are at a place in your life where you could have a relationship with her, i.e. you have achieved your goals and stability in your life, you have had and continue to care for children, what is keeping you from having a relationship with her? She is obviously an adult now so she is not looking for a mother, (she had that kind of relationship with her adoptive mother), but she may be looking to find out where she came from. It must be incredibly awkward for you, and must have been an incredibly difficult decision for you to give her up, and she may appear as a skeleton coming out of the closet to haunt you. But try to remember, whether you can salvage a relationship with her or not, that ultimately she is suffering too, and dealing with rejection and abandonment issues that you may not understand. Whatever you decide, be kind to her. She is not the root of your problem, she is probably just looking for someplace to belong. It is good that you have a family now.

Answer 28

You certainly got people worked up, didn't you. As a birth mother, I think you were pretty cruel. I understand that you want everything that money can buy and you want the prestige of money, but good grief, you are an adult now and should know better that to treat anyone as trashy as you did her.

I found my birthdaughter in 2001 she was 29 and she wondered what took me so long. I'm so happy I found her, she has enriched my life. I could never give her away again.

Answer 29

I am a Birthmother. My daughter is 21 yrs old and although she has her own life in another state with her parents, she will NEVER be unwelcome in my home!!!!

They came looking for ME, when she was about 3, and felt it detrimental to her and her siblings to know each other. I said yes to contact, and have no regrets! I didn't and don't interfere with her raising, or present life. We have contact when she feels like it, she talks to her sisters and brother all the time. Has been here many times. Although my situation was different, we both have a daughter the same age.  

You ma'am are bent out of shape because she represents what you lost educationally because you got pregnant!

That is SELFISH to say the least, and what you wrote, is just COLD HEARTED and a down right *****!!!!!!!

She just lost her mother, YOUR NOT HER "MOTHER", so you don't have to worry about YOU stepping into that role! All she wants is "family" because she just lost her MOTHER, and you are that cold hearted.....Hmmmm......I hope you don't rub off on your present kids!!!!!

Answer 30

Have you read your own question? Why don't you try to understand?

Answer 31

Well from what you have to say she'd be much better off without YOU in her life.

You're a cruel, cruel woman and I hope someday your badness comes back to bite you on the ***.

Good luck and thoughts to your daughter. I hope she realises she's too good for you!