How do I tell my daughter I gave my child up for adoption?

Question

I gave my child up for adoption 20 years ago. It was a forced adoption (strict catholic parents).It's his birthday today. I think it's time I told my daughter but don't know how.

My daughter is 12. so I think she's mature enough to understand but I'm not sure how to broach the subject. I think she' deserves to know but I can't seem to find the right words.

I have never got over the adoption and feel guilty all the time and now I'm starting to feel guilty because I'm keeping it from my daughter. Please help.

Answer 1

Just sit her down and say you have something to tell her.

Tell her the whole story including all the nasty bits and how guilty you still feel.

Remember to tell her how different things were back then.

When you finish ask her if she has any questions and answer them truthfully.

I think that sometimes children aren't told the truth enough and then become resentful and act out.

Also like you said you don't want her to find this out from someone else, even if it is a member of the family. It'll make her think you didn't trust her.

Good Luck

Answer 2

Sit her down and tell her straight. But also explain why. Make sure she understands why you did it. You can also make it in to a s*x talk if you haven't already had one with her. You can explain the pain of making such a choice. You can really open her eyes to  the choices she faces in the next couple of years.

Answer 3

Some people say, "What you did before you had her is none of her business." And I agree with that to an extent, but this kind of thing is an exception.

When I was about 12, I found out that my mom was married to someone before my dad. But I didn't find out from her. Then I started to wonder why she didn't tell me and I started to get even more upset. So I just went to her and asked why she never told me. She explained that her ex was abusive and that she didn't think I would understand. But at the end of our talk, she said that she felt relieved to know that I would be so understanding of her.

So tell your daughter. When you talk about it, chances are that you two will become even closer. And it will definitely be alot better for her to hear it from you than to hear it from the grapevine. She may get upset, but in the end, she will realize that you are her mother and that you love her so much. And she will appreciate that you trust her enough to tell her these kinds of things.

Answer 4

in my opinion wait until she is 16/17

when she has passed her hormonal stages which most teens go through

let me explain why, she can feel withdrawn from u and feel like u have not been a proper mother, even though we understand that it wasnt your fault, she may not.

i sympatise with your situation and wish u all the best and peace of mind

good luck

Answer 5

Just bite the bullet and tell her. Say to her it makes you sad when you think of him. Its obviously eating you up so just tell her the facts, then wait for her to ask you questions. You'll be better off once she knows. Don't wait another minute, nobody likes these things sprung on them as an adult. Really you should always have refered to him as she grew up but thats too late now. Wait any longer and she will always wonder whar other secrets you have, and you didn't do anything wrong anyway. Best of luck to you x*x

Answer 6

Hi

I'd tell her as soon as possible. If your child ever chooses to come find you it's going to be alot easier for all concerned if she knows about it before hand and can get used to the idea.

I was adopted as a baby and my bological mother went on to have 3 other children after me which she kept. I went to find them when I was 22 and it made it easier that everyone knew the situation.

I'd just be careful of what you tell her though as my 'half siblings' see me as their big sister and try to get me involved with family things which I find awkward as they aren't my family. I'd just be careful of her getting fixated on having a 'big brother' he may only want to find you to ask a few questions and that's it or he may want to be friends but may not want to become a part of your family.

Just a thought.

Answer 7

I think it would be pretty unfair to burden your 12 year old with that sort of news. I really dont mean to be blunt but your guilt should stay with you for the time being. 12 is still very young to have to deal with this sort of news - you're older than 12 and having trouble with it. is it possible to find someone to talk to about the trauma that you obviously still feel. Maybe youre GP will be able to help. My dad had a previous marriage and 3 children. We knew nothing about this until one of his sons turned up on the doorstep when I was 18. That was hard to deal with and I was older than your daughter. Please have a re-think.

Answer 8

What a difficult situation you're in.  I'm so sorry you had to lose your child but I think that's wonderful that you remember his birthday.

I agree that 12 is a good age to tell her because she is old enough to understand but (hopefully) not old enough to turn on you and judge you and throw it in your face to make you feel bad during an argument.

I think the best way to go would be to find some way for her to relate to it.  Find an age appropriate book about the subject or watch a movie. Lifetime movies are good and there are a few about teens having babies.

-"Mom at Sixteen"

-"Too Young to be a Dad"

-http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/Adopti...

Some fiction books not necessarily about your situation, but it would get your daughter thinking and have her be sympathetic and understanding to the idea of adoption.

Dear Nobody, by Berlie Doherty,

portrays 18-year-old Chris who struggles to deal with two shocks that have

changed his life, meeting the mother who left him when he was ten and his discovery that he has gotten his

girlfriend pregnant. Separately, he and his girlfriend come to terms with their child’s and their own future.

Find a Stranger: Say Goodbye by Lois Lowry,

1978, describes Natalie Armstrong, an attractive, happy

teenager about to enter college who sets out to discover her birth parents. Teen readers report that it surpasses

superficial teenage novels in being painstakingly real about the process of searching.

The Great Gilly Hopkins, by Katherine Paterson. 1987.

Gilly has been in the foster system all her life. She

dreams of getting back to her mother, who is wonderful only in Gilly's imagination, and schemes to get away

from her latest guardian.

The Ocean Within, by V.M. Caldwell, 1999.

Orphaned more than five years before, Elizabeth is on her third set of foster parents. During a summer vacation she learns how to be part of a family.

A Place to Call Home, by Jackie French Koller. 1997. Fifteen-year old biracial Anna tries to care for her

5-year-old sister and infant brother when their unreliable mother abandons them.

The Snake-Stone, by Berlie Doherty,

describes fifteen-year-old James’s search for his birthmother. A champion diver, James’s rigorous diving schedule makes him an outsider among his classmates. Increasing feelings

of loneliness help him decide to pursue the missing life connection from his past. The award-winning British

author interweaves James’ narration with passages from his birthmother’s voice, leaving the reader an opportunity

to sort out the conflicting feelings inherent in searching.

Whale Talk, by Chris Crutcher. 2001.

The hero of this story is adopted, biracial T.J. Jones. The story combines

a tale of athletic competition with themes of child maltreatment, racism, and justice.

The Story of Tracy Beaker, by Jacqueline Wilson,

illustrated by Nick Sharratt, 2001. Tracy tells about her life

living in a group home for children after placements in two different foster homes.

Visiting Miss Pierce, by Pat Derby, 1989.

Fourteen-year-old Barry, visiting an 83-year-old woman in a

nursing home and encouraging her to delve into her distant past, finds the project affects him deeply in his

situation as an adopted child.

When the Road Ends, by Jean Thesman, 1992.

Three troubled foster children and a disabled widow fend for

themselves at a summer cabin, eventually forming a new family.

*Also, try calling the Young Adult section of Barnes and Noble or your local library and ask for suggestions.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that some of this helped.  If all else fails, just sit her down and talk to her.  Talk to her about how some people make mistakes (if you want to go from that angle) and what people do afterwards or just ask if she knows anyone who has been adopted.  I'm sure it will be easier than you think and she will be curious.  She will also tell all her friends because it will be the most interesting thing to happen this summer, so be prepared for that.

Answer 9

if my mum was in the situation that your in i would rather hear it from her than say my ant because in my mind if my ant said and not my mum i would think how could she not of told  me i would be really annoyed if you look it as this way it the most she do is not talk to you for a day or 2 but yeah i would probably say now before she get into hormonal stage it would be worse if you told her then believe me I'm 18 and if my mum said something like that when i was younger 14\16 i wouldn't cope so if i was you i would say now before someones Else dose cause it is very hurt full that your own mum couldn't say to you but say it in away that she under stand

Answer 10

yeah i would tell her.. just say i thought i should tell you, you have a brother, then if you see him, tell him she can come along and meet him!! She'll be happy but i'm guessing also shocked!

Answer 11

Exactly what JC said. Now is the perfect time to discuss choices and potential consequences. You tell her. You both cry. You both feel better. Your daughter will appreciate your honesty and understand something new about "mom" that she didn't know before.

ETA: I don't think she'll judge you. Most likely she'll show compassion and understand the "hurt" you've endured.

Answer 12

i deffinatly think you should tell her. it would be really terrible for her to find out from someone else. i think you should sit her down with you and just tell her that she had a little brother but you couldn't keep him so he had to go to some other parents who could also love and look after him. Show her the pictures of him you have and maybe let her keep one to remember the little brother she never knew or some thing like that.

and i agree like every one else before me said it could easily turn into a good time to have the s*x talk with her but by 12 i expect she already knows most things.

keep telling her how much you love her.

good luck =]

Answer 13

My first suggestion would be to tell her as soon as possible. My husband found out at 39 that his mom did the same thing for similar reasons. She only told him because sister found her. Your son is old enough to find you now. Would you rather her thinking you told her because you want the to of you to have an open honest relationship now that she is becoming a young lady or that you only told her because your had was forced.

I would start the conversation by telling her that you had a lot on your mind today because it is an important day in your life. Tell her that you have been waiting for the right time to tell her and that you think that she is now is ready to hear about it. Tell her that today is the fist day you became a mom. Say 20 year ago when I was ## I gave birth to a baby boy. At the time my family thought it was best that he be raised by another family. I was to young and felt that I had to do what my family and religion  wanted me to do. Tell her that is what happen most young girls back then. Tell her what ever you now about him. It should start to flow from their. Ask her if she has any questions and answer them as honest as possible. She may have questions about why you listened to your parents and why you kept her. You might want to find some resources like books or on line about the BSE and adoption.

Good luck

Answer 14

I would use it as the opening of the s*x talk. Sit down with her in a casual environment and just explain what happened, how you feel, and then lead into talking about her choices in life.

Answer 15

Speaking from experience , but in a similar , but not you situation , ignorance is bliss , what she dose no know will never effect her , she will get on with her life unaware , why put her to the emotional turmoil of the "What if "situations , keep the past where it belongs , in the past

Answer 16

I told my girls when they were teenagers and they took it well..but shocked..i cried...it was very emotional...i think 12 is a good age ....i have met my adopted child but my other children dont really want to have any involvment with her which is difficult...it just seems to haunt all through life....one mistake ..we loved to well..and suffer...good thing times have changed...good luck and yes tell her gently and assure her that you love her...

Answer 17

i would tell her. im 11 going om 12 soon and i think she should be able to understand. take her somewhere fun. like a museum and tell her there. or find a picture and tell her that that reminds you of how you felt when you put him up for adoption. i think should work

Answer 18

You can share this with the internet but you can't tell your own flesh and blood.........

You really do need help......professional help, that is.....

Answer 19

Definately tell her.  I was adopted and found my birthmom when I was about 30.  Her husband knew and brothers, sister, etc. but none of her 3 kids knew!  How awkward.  They were all over 18, and I think she just didn't know how to tell them.  Eventually she told the oldest, but I'm not sure about the rest.  So, my advice is to find some quiet time when you're with your daughter.  Tell her there is something you want to talk to her about.   Say "when I was younger, I had a baby.  I was _____years old, (explain the circumstances) and I wasn't allowed to keep him.  Tell her how you felt then, how you felt now.  How much you love her.  Try to use it as a learning experience.  If you're completely honest with her, it may prevent her from having a pregnancy too early as well.  Once you get the first sentence out, you'll be just fine!

Answer 20

You've already received lots of good information.  I just want to reiterate for general purposes that what a parent does "in the past" may frequently be of no concern to the parent's children, but in a case like this, that doesn't hold water.  These two children are siblings and have the right to know of each other.  Thank you for realizing this.

I hope you can get through the guilt.  My father felt guilty and hurt for all of the years we were apart.  We've been reunited for 7 years.  I can tell that he still feels guilty sometimes, but it's nothing like he felt for all those years.  You were, like so many young people, given no choice in this matter.  Hopefully one day you will get to meet your first born and get the relief my father has experienced.

Answer 21

When my son was about 13 I gave him a book of poetry in which was a poem which I had written about when I gave his sister up for adoption.This might seem to be a cowardly way of broaching the subject,but it worked and it seemed easier for him to accept.I must admit it was a lot harder for me to bring the subject up with his younger sister,but when she was 13 one of her friends who was 15 at the time had a pregnancy scare and so I used my experiences to help her understand what her friend could have been going through.A lot of tears later we found that our relationship was stronger than ever.Both of my children know that,no matter what happens in their lives,that I will always be there for them and that I would probably be more understanding than other adults who have never experienced what I have.I hope that your relationship with your daughter is as strong as mine with my children and always will be.

Answer 22

I think telling her at 12 is the perfect age. A girlfriend of mine that did place her child willingly into an open adoption that was slammed shut after 2 years, started talking about it with her daughter around your daughters age.  She planned an evening where they were alone and she gently told her truth. She reassured her that her brother was being taken care,info on the family and how she hopes one day he'll come back looking for them. She described him and how she felt and what she went through. She talks about it openly and occasionally in a sensitive way when its fits into conversations so her daughter knows she really does hope he'll come back as well as preparing her for it.  She's dealing with it well and its been about 3 years.

Make sure you ask her to talk about her feelings and if she ever has questions to just ask you. Let her know why you waited until now to tell her and why you couldn't have contact with him as well.     My girlfriend didn't get into the detailed ugliness of the adoption because it serves no purpose at this point but reassures her that she has kept her distance because its what the AP's felt  was best and legally she couldn't.

Good luck.

Answer 23

Hi I am probably your age .. I have two children .. boy 26 and a girl 18 .. I don't think you should tell you daughter about it now ... NOOOOOO... you will scare her and make her fear .. what on earth .. you trying to do ... she is too young to understand any of the reason that you will give her for doing that .. the only thing you will achieve is dispose of a feeling of guilt ? .. for your self .. ... it is your problem .. why are you trying to destroy your daughter emotionally ... she will just be really shaken .. and it will make her think about her brother all the time ... she will want to meet him .. she will ... wait until she is an adult and mature  to be able to understand this on more then one level .. now it would be just emotional

Answer 24

That's a really hard subject to talk about. My son was 23 when he found out that he had a full blooded sister, and I only told him because I looked and found her. I was a coward, and I had a few drinks first (I don't recommend this). He was an adult and I should have told him a long time ago. He felt that we had lied to him, by not telling, so I think you really should tell her now. Be matter of fact. Tell her you have something to tell her, something you aren't proud of and something that has made you sad for 20 years. Explain that when you were young, you had a baby and he was put up for adoption. Tell her you are sorry you did not tell her earlier, but you wanted to wait until you thought she was old enough to understand that things happen. You were not trying to hide anything from her and you feel like she is old enough now to understand . It is not neccessary to go into the gory details. She is only 12. Ask her if she has any questions and that you'd be happy to answer them. Please don't wait to tell her.

Join the crowd, you will never get over putting your child up for adoption, you just have to try to live day to day with the guilt. i can tell you that reunion will help. I've been in reunion since 2001. My daughter was 29 1/2 when I found her and she had 2 kids. We will never have a mother daughter relationship, but that is her call. We all have a lot of baggage to haul around but keeping the secret and living the lie will only makae your life more miserable.

Good luck.

Answer 25

Pray about it.  Ask God for the right words and wisdom in explaining the situation.  God, and only God, can give you the right words to say.  Good luck.

Answer 26

(personly) in her case, i wouldn't want to know,

only because what does it do knowing?

i mean she cant see him, u have no pics of him,

it rele isnt gonna make a difference worth or not

she knows, but if u need to tel her then....

just bring it up

ask if u would of liked to have an older brother,

and then be like.

well u do have an older brother,

but.... (enter story)