How do I tell my father he's not giving me away?

Question

My father was physically and emotionally abusive when I was growing up, and I developed an eating disorder from his criticisms of my body. He's gotten help through anger management counseling, and now he's trying to act like none of it ever happened. It seems like the only reason he even contacts me is to make his girlfriend think he's a good father.

I'm getting married next year, and I absolutely do not want him to walk me down the aisle. I'd really love for my mom to do it, but I'm afraid my father will throw a fit and ruin the wedding. There's also the issue of where do I seat my parents (he was very controlling over her and since their divorce she can't stand to be around him).

What do I do? I'm honestly afraid to talk to my father about this.....

Answer 1

I wouldn't invite him. Nothing says you have to.I certainly wouldn't tell him anything about the wedding. You don't owe him a thing. Send him a hand written invitation for two weeks after your wedding. If there is any way you can hide the facts from him I would. If he is there it will not only upset you it will upset your mom. I know what you are going through this happened to me at my daughters wedding, my ex husband was the same way. If you can avoid him please do.

Answer 2

Traditionally your father and his new wife (or girlfriend) should be seated in the 2nd row, behind your mother and other honorable guests.

As for walking you down the aisle, have your mum do it. He should understand and if he doesn't, tell him to talk to his therapist about it.

I don't see why you needed to inform us of your "eating disorder", that is very personal information to share with strangers.  

Answer 3

I think the best approach is a direct one, done as early as possible in the wedding planning (preferably even before you have given him a date for the wedding).  Be sure to let him know that you don't feel it would be appropriate for him to walk you down the aisle.  Affirm that you are glad that he has gone through counseling, but he needs to recognize that you are still working through things yourself.  Depending on how your father is, this conversation is probably best either over the phone or at a time when his girlfriend is in the other room.  Also, be sure that he knows you still intend on doing other traditions with him (father-daughter dance, etc) if you are going to.

Depending on how well/poorly the conversation goes, you can decide how much information you give him about the wedding.  No one can crash a wedding that they can't find.

Answer 4

I understand how you are feeling. I didn't want my father to walk me down the aisle either. My father was never physically abusive - but we had drifted apart and put a ton of stress on all of us before the wedding. I truly wanted my mother to do it. I thought that she deserved the honor to give me away.

I wasn't sure how I was going to tell my father either...my dad actually ended up fracturing his hip about 5 months before the wedding so he couldn't really walk anyway. My mom just told him that because he couldn't walk well that she would be the one to walk me down the aisle. Then when the pastor asked "who gives this woman" my mom and dad would both stand up and say "we do"

However, my father decided to take a bottle of prescription sleeping pills the day of the wedding and didn't even end up going...so, I was very glad that I had my mom to walk me down the aisle. It was a really special moment for me and my mom. We had been through a lot that past year and with my father so it was a great moment for us.

As for what you can do about your father - maybe you could tell him that you want your mother to walk you down the aisle because you don't want her to feel left out - but you will still do the father/daughter dance at the reception to honor him. I think that he can understand that.

You need to do what is going to make you comfortable on that day - not him. It's a special moment and you should feel relaxed and comfortable. Don't worry - it will all work out for the best. I promise. Just talk with him...maybe you could talk with him in front of his girlfriend. If he is so worried about coming off as a good father maybe his reaction will be different in her presence.  

Answer 5

You can ask your mom if she can walk you down the isle if you want someone to walk you down.  Let her know of your wishes.

As far as your dad, instead of saying "you are not walking me down"

you can say "I am planning on doing seating arrangments, only for the main family, up front. I am going to put you in the front isle with your g/f."

You know, something like that (doesn't have to be exactly that as that is your wedding). But it is an example of you telling him, with out directly doing so.

Then if he asks "Who si walking you down the isle" then you can say "Momma is".  

If he gets upset, you have the power and control to say "I am sorry. this is my wedding and feel she is my best choice. If you don't like my choices, I will decline your invitiation to come".

If he shows up at the wedding, you call the cops or higher a security gaurd for the day.

As far as seating for the reception, just seat him and his gf with other family members (ifi he has his own side of the family attending like cousin, uncles, etc).  

Can have your mom sit with you guys upfront.

Answer 6

I wouldn't say anything if I were you until he asks or casually call and talk of wedding plans and mention that you're having a separate seating area for him and his girlfriend and whoever else is close to him, his brothers, your cousins from his side of the family etc. Also tell him that you've already spoken to your mom and want her to walk you down the aisle. Tell him it's your day and you want things done the way you prefer and hope that he understands and will be there on your day to celebrate.

Good luck and don't stress.

Answer 7

If he wasn't abusive this would be so easy to answer... however if he wasn't abusive he would be walking with you and your mother. I would at this point actually question how important it is that he be at your wedding. If you can live without him there, then explain (perhaps by phone) that this is what you are doing, and that if he is uncomfortable with it that he doesn't have to come. The reason this is good to do by phone is that you can hang up if he starts being abusive (I am hoping you have had help which lets you recognise what of his behaviour is inappropriate).

Answer 8

He doesn't really even need to be at the wedding. His abuse, your issues, and your mom's not wanting to be around him, plus the fact that you don't really even talk to him right now (he is seeing you more out of "obligation" and to try to put on a good face), means he really doesn't need to be included.

If you really feel like you have to invite him (which you don't), then you need one or more strong male family members or friends to be around when you tell him. I would suggest meeting him at a public place for lunch, and having back-up at a nearby table (which he doesn't know about) to talk to him about it.

Tell him how you feel (you probably don't really feel that close to him), and you can ask him his opinion on coming to the wedding. I would say something like, "Look, we really haven't been that close, and it would obviously be weird for both of us for you to walk me down the aisle, but maybe you could just come to the wedding" or something. It'll take him off-guard, but who cares? He can come and sit in the back with his girlfriend or something.

I would never, ever invite my mother or any of her husbands to my day. Ever. (Especially after she came to my high school graduation drunk, late, and started screaming at me during the March.) People who treat you like c**p do not get a "Free Pass" to come to any of your special events - "family" (meaning blood relatives) or not.

Make sure there are people (or security) around who can handle him the day of if he does show up or start something.

Good luck!

Answer 9

I just sent my father an invite to the wedding.  I didn't say anything about him walking me down the aisle since my mom was doing it.  He didn't even show up to the wedding though.  I just wouldn't say anything to him.  He should realize that by the way he treated you he shouldn't deserve that honor.  Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.  As far as the seating goes if you just send him the invite he should be treated as a regular guest and be seated where the ushers take him.