How do I tell my fiance's mom she's not invited to our wedding?

Question

My fiance's mom left the family about 10 years ago. He hasn't spoken to her in the past 5-6yrs. I've never met her or anybody from her side of the family. My fiance's sister contacted me recently me to ask on behalf of their mother if I would like her to throw me a shower. I pressed my fiance for an answer if he wants to even invite her and her family to the wedding and he said no because he doesn't want the day to be awkward. He wants to enjoy the day, which I understand. But how do I tell her not only do I not want her to throw a shower, but that they aren't even invited to the wedding?

Answer 1

Well it would be nice for her to be there but then it's both and only your choice for her not to be invited just come out with the truth it wont hurt anyone, mother in law should recognize she missed out on his life. bad for her

Answer 2

I think it would be best for him to inform her that she won't be coming, if that's too iffy then you at lest need to do it together! You guys need to let her know that her actions helped you to make this choice and that you appreciate the offer for a shower, and that if she wants to reconcile then during the wedding planning process is not the time. If she can wait 5 or 6 years to make contact (and didn't even do it herself...but through someone else) then she can wait until the wedding is over to work on the relationship with her son. It might also help to include her just a wee bit...as in like...I'll make sure that you get a wedding photo or something like that!

Remember it's YA'LLs day and it needs to be as stress-free as possible! Good Luck and HAPPY MARRIAGE!

Answer 3

this is not YOUR place...its your fiance's. this is their family issue and you don't need to get involved!

Answer 4

You are not the one to do any "telling." It is your fiance's mom. He should be the person doing the telling.

Answer 5

Its his family, let him tell them.

Answer 6

As far as the shower, just tell the sister thanks but no thanks. As far as the inviting issue, that's for your fiance to handle.

Answer 7

I can understand how tricky this is for you but seriously this is his part whereas he needs to act, not you. The only thing you can do is stand by him as a sign of support, i do not mean verbally expressing it but just literally being there for him.

This is not your doing. In regards to this issue if you get a phone call from his family members, you either pass it on to him in giving him the phone for him to express his wants...or if he gets angry about you expressing anything in regards to his family then just note anytime the family makes communication with you on paper. Then leave it for him to deal with it in his own time.

He does not need you as another person of avoidance but needs you to stand by him. So all i can say is just try not to get involved in it and continue with how you both found comfort previously.

HOPE THIS HELPS AND I WISH YOU HAPPY FUTURE BLESSINGS ;-).

Answer 8

Explain how "Awkward" your fiance would feel

having her have anything to do with your wedding

as she has not been there for him the past 6 years!

Answer 9

He needs to tell them.  He made the decision not to invite her so he should be the one to say so.  If you say it it may sound like you are the one who doesn't want her at the wedding...  That's not your fight to get in the middle of.  Honestly I'd invite her anyway just to keep the peace and let her throw me a shower so she could get back into his life and become a part of yours, but that's just me.  This sounds like a terribly awkward situation good luck and god bless.

Answer 10

Perhaps the realization that her son is getting married has had an effect on your fiance's mother.  Perhaps she is trying to extend a gesture of good-will by offering to throw a shower for you.  To me, that sounds like a genuine and considerate thing to do.  If there is a possibility for reconciliation, I say pursue that.  Think about it- the chance for your children (if you're going to have them) to know their grandmother is not something to disregard!  Weddings are about bringing people together, not pushing them away.  Don't hold a grudge - forgive and rebuild.  

Answer 11

YOU don't.  This isn't your deal and you aren't a part of this family yet.  You may tell her you don't want a shower (you can say you just don't feel comfortable being at one where you don't know anyone) but your fiance is the one who gets to deal with the wedding invitation nonsense.

Answer 12

I agree with the other answerers who said it's not your responsibility to tell her anything. It's your fiance's family, it's his decision to not invite them, and it's up to him to tell them. Maybe after you're married, he can toss stuff like this onto your lap, but don't do it yet!

On the other hand, the shower is a nice idea from his sister and mother to you. Have your man talk to them about the invitations, and then do the shower seperately, if they still want to throw you one.

Answer 13

Since Momma couldn’t call you herself and we’re playing telephone via sis, I wouldn’t even explain it all to her. Tell sis, “Let you mother know I appreciate the thought, but no thank you.”  Just leave it at that. The sis shouldn’t have to be the liaison. If mommy wants to fix the problem, she’s going to have to make contact herself.

I would be totally weirded out that someone I didn’t even know – that didn’t even talk to my future husband – would try to involve herself this way.  She can either take the initiative to contact you and your fi herself, or she doesn’t deserve an explanation.  

Answer 14

There is a reason she is not in his life for 10 years and that he hasn't talked to her in 5-6 and the way she is handling this, the tricky manipulative and cowardly way, shows the reason through and through.

If she really wanted to make a mends, she should know that she has to contact him (even if she had his sister be the bridge between the two of them) that bridge should be to get to him and should not be using you to get to him.  BAD SIGN.

She seems like she is drama and he is not falling for it.

Tell the sister it is not your place to decide and say please tell your mom to contact her son directly if she wants to.

Done deal...you are out of it.  

Good luck and Congratulations!!

Answer 15

You should not have to. Your fiance should handle that. Maybe it would be a good chance for him to mend fences with his mom.

Answer 16

All you have to do is thank them graciously for offering to give you a shower, but tell them you realize it might be best not to because of the circumstances. Don't mention the wedding and no invitation. They'll figure it out when they aren't invited. If they call again, tell them they need to talk to your fiance. That would be his decision.

You can't run interference with them for him the rest of your life. He will have to face this. However, I understand that a wedding day is not the day for that to happen.  

Answer 17

Sounds like she's trying to make contact with him again, maybe she feels bad for leaving.

Offering to throw you a shower is very kind, and obviously she wants to get to know you.  Don't write her off just yet, maybe your fiance can meet up with her before the wedding and catch up, maybe you do let her throw you a shower and get to know you.  

I'm sure she is not expecting any role in the wedding since she's been gone 10 years, and maybe your fiance is having his step-mom in an important position or anything.

Whats the reason she's still in contact with the daughter and not the son?

She sounds genuine here, I'd say give her a chance, meet her beforehand and do invite her, she probably just wants to see her little boy all grown up and getting married.  Even though she left, she still missed a lot and probably regrets it.

Answer 18

Ordinarily, I would say that it's his side of the family, so he needs to tell him. In this case, I would pass the information back the way it came. Tell his sister to tell their mom "Thanks for thinking of us, but I would prefer that she didn't throw me a shower. Since [fiance] doesn't have a close relationship with his mom, we were not going to extend her an invitation to the wedding, so a shower thrown by her might be awkward."

Answer 19

You shouldn't be the one to tell her this - let your fiance do it.  

Answer 20

this is a touchy subject. honesty is the best policy. I think you should avoid confrontation, but be honest with his sister. she may or may not understand, but she will respect you regardless. if she is argumentative, the best way to resolve it is to go and get married without anyone knowing. if your new husband then wants to rekendle the relationship with his mother, let him do it over time after you are married. wounds take time to heal, and this wound sounds like it has just re-surfaced. your wedding day is one of the most important days of your life, aside from having a baby!! you need to feel relaxed and committed. there will be enough on your plate without the mom there.

Answer 21

Your fiance needs to tell his sister these things. You should support him but stay out of it.

Answer 22

Elizabeth is right. HIS family, HIS news to deliver. Otherwise you come off looking controlling and shrewish, and have problems from here on out with not only his mother but also the family that he is close with who may still be close to the mother as well.

Answer 23

Simple answer:  YOU don't!  That is his family; he should handle it.  He should call his sister and tell her how he feels; he should also tell her to please not bother you with any other dealings related to his family, b/c it puts you in the middle of a bad situation, and he would rather handle those questions himself.