How do I tell my kids (4 & 6) that they have an older, half-brother?

Question

When I was in college, I got pregnant and gave the baby up for adoption. Years later, I got married and had two kids who are now 4 and 6 and absolutely delightful. My adopted-out son is now 18 and of age to search for me, if he wishes. I don't want his appearance on my doorstep to be the way my kids find out about his existence, nor do I want him to be shrouded in secrecy. If he does chose to find me, I want him to know that even though he is not in my life, he'll always be part of me. So...how do I go about letting my small kids know about him?

Answer 1

Secrets in families are toxic

My kids are about the same age as yours and they totally understand I didn't come from Grandma's tummy - they have an amazing capacity to understand

They think the 'American Judge' is a very naughty man because he is stopping them from meeting their 'other grandma'

Your son might not even be able to find you unless you put yourself out there to be found.  Sealed records suck

Answer 2

As an adoptee I couldn't disagree with Kellie more. Secrets only cause more shame and inner turmoil. Think of the relief you will feel knowing you don't have to hide this any longer. Adoption has been shrouded in secrets and lies for too long - what ever happened to that saying "the truth shall set you free" - yeah, as long as they aren't talking about adoption, right?

Anyway, maybe you could go to the library and check out a children's book that has an adoption theme and use that as an opener to tell them your story. Right now they are so small they probably won't really get it and maybe just ask a few questions and think it's cool that they have an older brother somewhere. Just remember to keep talking to them about it as they grow so they become more used to the idea.

Also, since your son is now 18, have you thought about registering at ISRR.net (which is free), sending a letter to the agency and signing up on some online registries so that in case he is searching it would make it a lot easier for him and let him know that you are okay with meeting him?

There are also lots of supports groups out there for mothers who relinquished if you need any support and guidance. You can email me through my profile if you need suggestions.

Best of luck to you and your family!

Answer 3

i would sit them down and tell them the news and say that your sorry for the late convience

Answer 4

don't tell them!!!!! what you say can ruin you!!!! if you want to be happy, hide your most deepest secrets forever!!!!

Answer 5

Sit down and be open.  You don't have to go into huge details, just be honest.  If they have questions, they'll ask.

Like Dory, I absolutely disagree with Kellie.  You did nothing to be ashamed of.   If you hide it from them, they will wonder why you lied.

Answer 6

You should let them know that mommy has something to tell them sit them down and tell them your about your history let them know that they have an older brother. I doubt they'll ask too many questions now, at least nothing major. Given their young age they'll know what you are saying but they probably won't understand what you mean.  Don't hide it from them they do need to know about their family. My mom adopted a little girl who is now 7 and she knows about her sisters and brothers (all 12 of them) sometimes she'll ask questions and usually they are the weirdest times.

Answer 7

There is no reason to tell them now. This is private information, and is not their business. The child is part of another family.

If he finds you, you can address the situation then, or you can meet with him privately and tell your children about him when they are older.

If one of your children got pregnant (or got someone pregnant) before marriage, that would ne an excellent time to have a conversation with them about this. You can explain that you understand what they are going through, and tell them your story.

God bless you for not killing your first-born and giving him a chance for a mature family, giving yourself the opportunity to have a normal young-adulthood, and for giving a family a child. What you did was wonderful. Not telling your children right now has nothing to do with shame. It's just that they are a little young to understand the subtlties of the situation unless they need to know. And again, this is private. Parents are entitiled to privacy.

Answer 8

I am adopted and my birth mother had to tell her four year old son. she just said that I am part of the family but the extended family, and i live with other people. she also got library books about adoption. it worked out great.

Answer 9

I have a 6, 5, and 3 year old.  They have 2 half sisters that they have never met.  They are 12 and 13.  My husband and I let them know that they have 2 sisters that live far away and have a different mommy and daddy.  It hasn't really affected them yet.  I think more questions will arise when they are older.

Answer 10

Why do you think they should know?  Really....why?  Is it to make you feel better?  What will they gain from it?  Down side is it will turn their world upside down and confuse them.  Later, when they're much older and only if they ask then tell them.  Just because you're blood related to this child doesn't mean as much as you think.  Trust me, I have experience in this area. My step-daughter was dropped on our doorstep when she was two. We didn't even know she existed.  My daughter had a very hard time adjusting but know realizes what an awesome thing happened. (yes they get made and fight like any sisters do) My point is...she's 12 and knows her bio-mom gave her up. She'll tell you straight up that she's grateful her biomom gave her up because she couldn't take care of her but she has no desire to be a part of her life now or later.  Her biomom has this fantasy that when our daughter turns 18 the doors to heaven will open for her and she'll be reunited with our daughter as if she raised her herself!  Lots of kids have a CURIOSITY factor they may or may not act on but if your child you adopted out has had a loving and supportive family the odds of this child looking you up are slim. That's no offence to you at all!  I applaud you for adopting him out!  That was such a selfless thing!  

In closing....I wouldn't rock the boat.  Don't scare your children with this info. At first they'll probably think it exciting and hope for the day he'll show up. (which could cause stress and disappointment) But when he does, if he does, they'll realize they have to share you with him and they may not like it or understand it.

Don't tell them.

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 11

I would sit them down and explain what happened to you, but gently tell them in a way that a 4 and 6 year old understand.

Mommy wants to tell you something really important. Along time ago, I had another baby, and that baby went to live with someone else. He's your brother. And I haven't seen him in a very long time, but I still love him very much and its important that you know that you have an older brother.

and then you can open the door for them to ask the amazing questions 4 and 6 year olds like to do. I have heard too, that sometimes when "kept" children find out that their parent "surrendered" a child, they may need some reassurance that they won't be surrendered, or won't have to go and live with someone else. So look for that too, and make sure to tell them that it will never happen to them if they express feelings like that.

I think you're doing a great thing. Everyone in  my mothers family knew and talked about me often. They all met me at the airport, cousins, aunts, friends, family with my mom when I met her the first time.

I was the secret in my dads family though. And he had to tell them all about me when I found him. Which made it alot harder for our first meeting, because there was that uncomfortable "secret" that was only exposed because I came looking. His wife was an adoptee who "never wanted to search" so she wasn't tooo excited about my being there but thats another story lol.

May I also suggest you ( if you haven't already ) making it easier for him to search by filing a consent to release your identifying information to him through the agency or state that you surrendered him in. That way If he goes to the agency or state, and asks for his adoption file, he'll get all of your information w/out having to pay hundreds of dollars for the state registry ( if there is one. )

good luck!

Answer 12

when my 2 1/2 yr. old came back from a visit with my EX, he said, "daddy said you're going to give me away". i knew exactly where this was going. i put him in counseling, because my EX is very abusive... that's another story, another time. then i got the few pictures of my daughter that i have and enlarged them to be 5 X 7. i put them in every room, eye level where he could see them. then he would say "me" or whatever and i said, "no, that's Lauren" then it gradually became your older sister. he asked more questions as he got older. he knows that "heavenly father" wanted me to do something very special for another family. he (God), promised that if i did this very special thing, to have a baby and give it to this couple because that mommy couldn't... he would give me the most special child i could ever imagine and he would be mine forever. i told him that if it hadn't been for Lauren, i would not have gotten him. that is the truth, because i had never planned on having children. ever. had no desire or inkling. so, something good comes out of something bad. after the loss of my daughter, i was so devasted, i went and married someone who agreed they wanted children (and my bank account). i immediately got pregnant. i didn't know this con artist, i didn't care about anything except i knew i was getting older and i wanted to replace my daughter.

tell them with love and enthusiasm. let them know they will never go away. i hate my EX for the way he's used this against me. he's just hurt my child. jerk.....

best wishes

Answer 13

LIke Dory and tmarie99 I disagree with Kelli. You should just be open and honest with your children. You don't have to go into detail with them about the circumstances because of their young age. But you can tell them information that they can understand on their age level. You have nothing to be ashamed of and your children should see that. You had to make one of life's hardest decision's at that time for yourself and your son.

Answer 14

You do know that you have to register your information if you want your son to be able to contact you right?  You can tell your kids that they have an older brother that lives far away.  Don't keep it from them.  As they get older you can explain more to them as they ask.