How do I terminate an adoption?

Question

I tried this before but with fewer details... 4.5 years later, after hundreds of hours of therapy, after trying everything under the sun, we need to terminate an adoption. Trying to terminate the middle kid (we adopted 3 biological sibs from an abusive Russian family, all 3 kids have some form of FAE... of course, we figured it all out POST adoption.) Oldest will be getting help via county services (she is 21.) Youngest we have most hope for. Middle needs to be terminated. I myself was adopted and it was the best thing to ever happen to me. So don't even think of replying to this if you just want to berate me. Spend five minutes in my shoes and see how proud you are.

Answer 1

GET SOME COUNCILING

Answer 2

Yeah, i've read your story and i still feel like the situation is unfortunant.  I dont know why you would adopt if you weren't willing to deal with what you are delt.  if your born child had issues such as these would you put them up for adoption?  I still dont get it, and dont email me again.

Answer 3

as an adoptee, you should be ashamed of yourself. kids are forever.  would you even think of doing this if it was your natural child?  NO? suck it up!  it is people like you who give !P a bad name.  Perhaps the child needs to live away from home, that would be understandable, but to reverse the adoption is unforgivable.   and the two remaining siblings will HATE YOU for it. think hard on this one

Answer 4

Children with FAE are hard to deal with. It appears that the oldest and the youngest are getting help. Why isn't the middle one being given the same avenues? There are camps, counslers and doctors that deal with FAE that can give you advice. You may do more damage to this child if you split him from his siblings, denying him a right to be with his siblings may have adverse affects on him. i hope you don't terminate this adoption, and really stick to it.

Answer 5

Wow...What the heck would you do if your biological child had these problems. Would y you be doing the same?

While FAE is hard for parents to deal with, it isn't a picnic for these children. They have life long effects from something they had absolutely no control over.

You might be doing the children (I can't bring myself to call them YOUR children) a service and terminate the adoption to ALL of them and get fish, they are disposable children are not to be "flushed" when they don't meet your expectations.

Leave the parenting to those of us that have a clue.

Answer 6

I don't think this is a good place to post this question. You should know people will only give their opinion, that's what this is, our personal adivice. Research this on your own, not on here. That bein said, would you do this to your biological child? Would you give up your own child for adoption if they were not what you had evisioned or hoped for. People like you need to have all of them taken from you, that's not fair. So the child had abusive parents, now you're suppose to be the light and hope and instead you give up to...how terrible, you do deserve to be berated. I thought about ur 5 minutes in your shoes, my son has asthma-extreme, sensory disorder and not to mention his legs are in braces. He acts out, has melt downs when we go anywhere with noise, and also I have a 4 years old. I would never think of giving up because it's to hard to handle.

added--- ur little POST adoption thing, well guess what most of us don't know our childrens issue until after they are born, why should you be any different?

Answer 7

I won't add on to the already fabulous answers here that echo my sentiments.  But I will say that it is interesting to me that he is the middle child.  Middle children tend to have more issues.  Look into birth order dynamics, if you choose to stick by your son.  I'm a middle child, and I was h**l for my parents (still am).  The only middle children I know who don't fit the birth-order profile of middle children, are those who bucked the profile in other ways (i.e. the only girl, a the only "sensitive" boy, etc.).  So, on top of being abandoned not once but multiple times (by his original family, his country, and now emotionally abandoned by you, since you say you've already given up on him), he's got adoption issues to deal with, AND he's the middle child.  I think I can see why he might be having some issues.

Another thing you might find helpful if you decide to stick with your son is beyond consequences.  This is a parenting program that focuses on dealing with YOUR issues, so that you can be emotionally regulated when your child needs you.  It sounds to me like you're having a really hard time being regulated, because you're very reactive to your son.  This program would help you tremendously.  Look up Heather T. Forbes or Beyond Consequences if you're interested.  You can sign up for the daily parenting reflections, which are a breath of fresh air, and they have books, dvd's, etc.

Answer 8

I understand that some children have extreme issues that are beyond the abilities of their parents to deal with in the home (whether the child was adopted or biological)

I understand that there may be safety issues to consider concering the other children in  the home and the parents, and sometimes residental treatment centers must be utilized, however, this doesn't mean you have to stop being the child's parents. It sounds like your middle child is within a few years of adulthood, and if the adoption is disolved, this child will most certainly not be adopted again, and will be on their own.

Even if he/ she cannot remain in your home, the chances of successful treatment will be much greater if the child still has the support and encouragement of their family, even if it's at a distance. This child has undoubtabley been through a lot, and even if it doesn't seem like it, he/she still needs you.

It sounds like your decision is made, but please talk with the professionals in your area and consider what is in the best interest of your child, and the siblings and try to remain in his/ her life as much as possible.

Answer 9

darn.  and i thought adoption was the LOVING thing to do???

hmmmm.  so what now, you send it back???  nice!

Answer 10

I bet your situation is hard. I don't doubt that.

But you are their mother. You might not have gotten the perfect kids, but they are YOUR kids.

Where are they to go?

I have tried to spend 5 minutes in your shoes (I bet it's hard as h**l and you want nothing more than to exhale. You want a normal, semi-peaceful life). Now, could you please spend 5 minutes in their shoes?

Abused in Russia, adopted, and now their mother wants to split them up and terminate his or her adoption.  

I don't blame you for what you are feeling, and it's not going to be easy, but you cannot terminate that adoption.  As tired, frustraited, and upset as you may be, you are that child's last lifeline.   Have a blunt conversaition with him or her and give them sincereity, love, and an ultimatum if their behavior does not change.

PLEASE, do not terminate the adoption.

Answer 11

Simply put the child in the custody of Child services and place him for adoption.

This is one of the saddest things I've ever heard.  I know it couldn't be an easy decision for you to make.

God Bless.

Answer 12

Yeah adoption should be terminated, all right.

Wow what a loving choice you turned out to be.

Answer 13

I know a family who adopted four children with such issues.  It has been extremely difficult.  The mother had to give up her career, they have had to spend tons of money for treatment, including long-term inpatient treatment, but they've never given up on or chosen to permanently sever the ties between the siblings.  It's been an unbelievably difficult time.  But, this is what you do when you have kids.   What if this child had been born to you?  Isn't adoption supposed to be "as if born to?"

There are options out there.  Dissolving the adoption doesn't just stop you from being the legal parents, it unfortunately also ends the legal sibling relationships that exist.  Don't do this to them.  Your middle child doesn't have to live in the house with you, but please don't legally sever these children's relationships to one another because of it.   They are all they have ever had, despite what their relationships with each other may currently be like.

No matter how much people talk about adoption being "as if born to," clearly it isn't the case when it really comes right down to it.   Children are not products to be purchased and returned when it doesn't work out.  You know this or you wouldn't have put in 4-1/2 years already.    Please don't just throw this kid out into no man's land.

Answer 14

You can't. Its not a puppy its a person.

Answer 15

You should not have adopted children if you weren't prepared to spend the rest of your life loving and supporting them.  They're your children.  

With that said, no, I have not ever walked in your shoes and hope to God I never will.

Isn't there ANY way to get help (psychological) for this child without terminating the adoption?  Maybe help for you as well (not being sarcastic- it seems as though this is one tough situation that you are going through and you have not mentioned this in your question).

I'd search the internet for some good resources; check with your family practicioner; maybe even go to the agency you used and ask for assistance.

I wish your family the best.

Answer 16

Parents don't give up on their children ever.  Even if the child has problems so severe they need to be institutionalized, you still visit often and support them.  Are you feeling overwhelmed?  Look for support groups in your area.  Please reconsider.

Answer 17

So much for - 'forever family'.

AND you want to now split up siblings - because it's all too hard.

You should have NEVER been allowed to adopt.

UGH.

Answer 18

Shame on you.  Adoption is forever.  If this was a biological child would you just dump the kid to the curb?  What do you plan to tell your other two kids, that you just dumped their sibling to the curb because you couldn’t handle it anymore. Family is about sticking together no matter what the problem is. If this child has RAD then the last thing the kid needs is to be abandoned by his family. You should seek some sort of outside support, try and join a group of mother/parents who have children will this issues. At least you can lean on each other and vent and might find someone who would be willing to help you out when able. What goes around will come around.

I read an article of a family who had 7 autistic kids talk about hectic most of the time, the stress, but the parents stuck with it because that’s what’s families do, that’s what parents should do for their kids.

Answer 19

after having this kid for 4.5yrs, dont you care about his destiny? you are just going to abandon him?

Answer 20

Are there any residual services available for your middle child? A good facility where the child can get the services he needs and you can continue to be a part of his life.

If you can find a facility that can help him, your relationship could improve.

Answer 21

if the child is being dangourous to you your family or your adopted children dont feel ashamed its for the better good if the child is just acting out maybe take into consideration the age of the child or what might be happening (sorry for saying that i know it sounds stupid since im sure youv done it already --- just had to say it) i live in canada and i have taken a class called 123 magic and thiers another course called love and logic i want to take when my sons are older they might be benifial to you

best of luck and God bless

Answer 22

you ADOPTED, so you need to treat this like you gave birth to this child. you cant just say "oh ok i cant deal with this i want to be done" sorry, thats not how it works. if you couldnt handle raising even a troubled child you shouldnt have adopted in the first place.  if the people that adopted my son EVER wanted to terminate i would be so upset.

Answer 23

As a "refunded" adoptee, I can honestly say that anyone that considers shoving "their"child to the curb should never have been allowed to adopt in the first place.

The fact that you are looking to break up a sibling group makes it that much worse.

Sorry if you were looking to be cuddled and supported over your decision, you won't find it from me. But feel free to give the child my email address I will cuddle & support them. After all, it's them that deserve it

Answer 24

Dear PM,

While I sympathize with the difficulties you are facing, I too feel that terminating the adoption would be wrong on several levels. This child is your son. You agreed to this and everything that it entails.

You should read about Daniel Solomon, as Russian adoptee with SEVERE issues and how his adoptive parents handled his situation. It is not exactly the same situation as yours but it will give you an interesting perspective on how someone else looked at it. (The Solomons were featured in the April 08 issue of Reader'sDigest)

The Solomons went to extremes to help their child and through incredible sacrifice and perserverence, Daniel Solomon is a happy, healthy and loving college student. Yes, he still struggles with some issues but he is now the older adoptive brother to another Russian Adoptee and is using his experiences to help his parents and HIS BROTHER deal with similar issues.

Even placing this child in an institution or medical facility where he can receive treatment as YOUR CHILD is better than terminating. He will STILL have a family to support him.

How do his siblings feel about your intentions to terminate their brother? Even if they support you, will they still feel the same in the future? How will you feel about it in the future?

There is always something else "under the sun" to try.

Again, I am not attempting to "berate" you or your feelings - they are VERY valid, and you face a very difficult journey with ANY choice you make here. You and the children will all need a great deal of support.

I hope that you will not give up on YOUR child. He needs you.

Best of luck to you all.

Answer 25

Having worked with FAE and RAD youth in my professional career I believe I have a tiny understanding of what you are going through every day.  I completely understand that you can feel overwhelmed and without support.  

So it is with great respect for your ordeals that I have to gently say that I can't support dissolving an adoption.  You may need to look into some inpatient care, making sure that you have more resources at hand, but this child has no one else.  

He will struggle with FAE for his entire life and will probably need support for his entire life as well.  

Please, please, please do not abandon this child.  Please, please, please don't give up trying to get the resources that you need.

ETA: I don't think it's quite fair to compare FAE with medical issues that could arrive with a biological child.  FAE is perfectly preventable.  100% preventable, in fact, so long as a mother doesn't drink alcohol while pregnant.  So, I can't equate this to a biological child being born with an un-preventable condition, like CP, mental illness, etc.  I get the point of those responses, that there are no guarantees with children from birth or children from adoption, but in this case, it's not a fair comparasion.

Answer 26

I still can't move past this....despite the added detail. While that helps me understand your situation...it also makes it far more damaging. The child has no homeland.....where do you send him/her to...back to Russia or to foster care? Either way, how in the world is he/she supposed to cope...losing both parents and the only real family he/she has ever known--siblings. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to raise children with FAE.....however, I also can't imagine that you--as an adoptee-- wouldn't understand how horribly hated and unwanted you would feel if this had been your plight. "I myself was adopted and it was the best thing to ever happen to me." Great...b/c someone was willing to stick with you no matter what.....it would NOT have been 'the best thing to ever happen to you" had your parents abandoned you...alone, without your siblings. I truly think you need to give this child some sliver of hope and some chance to remain a part of his/her siblings' lives.

Regardless, why post here if you are seeking to terminate your child's adoption? As an adoptive parent....most people know that when you have issues with a child or things you need to discuss about the child's placement, you contact the adoption agency. If you ask for advice in an open forum...you are likely to get answers/opinions that don't agree with you. If you don't want advice, but fact, it is always better to go to the source...instead of a question/answer forum...especially with the nature of this question.

Answer 27

like i tell birth mothers. children are not disposable. we adopt to help a child in need and for no other reason. look at all the mothers today having their children develop autism and their bio kids can't tell even say "i love you mom". they are fighting with every ounce of energy to keep their children and with the insurance agencies to cover their therapy.  don't turn your back on him, he's been through enough.

Ask yourself, what if you developed ms or another debilitating disease would you want your husband and family to drop you off at an agency and write you off.

Answer 28

You are the parent, legally and morally. You shouldn't even consider terminating the adoption (I don't even know if it can be done), in my opinion.

I suggest you stick the the choices any parent has when trying to help a child with disability, disorder, or mental illness.

1. If the child is a danger to himself or others, investigate inpatient treatment facilities, group homes, etc.

2. Try different types of therapy, change doctors, investigate new treatments, get family counseling to help you cope better

3. If you are completely unable to ethically and compassionately be a parent to this poor kid, then relinquish your parental rights to the state. At least as a ward of the state the child will receive treatment and care.

Answer 29

"We need to TERMINATE an adoption", "we need to TERMINATE the middle kid", and "Middle needs to be TERMINATED".

It makes me sick to realize that people who use language like this are allowed to adopt children.  I thought that screening for international adoption was very stringent.  Stupid me.  I guess adoption is adoption - ain't it wunnerful?

Answer 30

Wait a minute, I thought adoption was forever, I'm confused.

It looks like you didn't do your research, and now some poor kid is going to pay the price.

Answer 31

you can always give your child up!! you birth children, but chose this kid! you can throw him/her out!!  take responsibility go go in kids are hard, and its live, so get over it! i do not no what FAE is ! but iam  ts hard , how long have you had the child? why would you just give up one give them all back its not far of you !! iam adopted myself and i would hate my mother of throwing me out cuz i was a difficult child!!