How do I try to convince a mom that keeping secrets about her child's real father is wrong?

Question

My friend has a daughter from a man. She won't tell her that her dad is not her natural father. The main problem I see is that the child is already asking questions "how come everyone else in the family is light skined and have light hair, and I have dark skin and dark hair, etc" I have tried to explain to her that the longer she waits to tell her these things the greater chance she has of having the girl resent her for not being honest. I have tried to tell her also what will happen when the man comes looking for his kid. I have also tried to emphasise as being an adopted child it was easier to understand this being told at a young age in a manor that I could understand. She uses excuses like look I dye my hair that is why it is blonde. Can anyone offer me any advice on how to convince her that she is doing the child more harm than good by keeping this from her. I ask in here hoping some of you moms and dad's might have some insite.

Answer 1

Her lies will eventually backfire on her in a BIG way.  Secrets in families are toxic and they NEVER stay secret for ever, she WILL be rumbled and the consequences will be a huge fallout

I wonder if there is a way of collecting stories from people who have been lied to and betrayed in this way and showing her the consequences

I do hope your friend reconsiders her dishonesty

Answer 2

My daughter has a bio father & a dad. Any man can be a bio father, but wonderful men are dads. I sat my daughter down at age 5 and had out my wedding album with my wedding pictures of me & her bio father, I pointed to my ex husband (her bio father in the pictures) that this is your father, but then I pointed to my husband, (her dad who was sitting on the couch across from us) and said this is your dad. Then I explained the difference between bio fathers & real dads. Bio fathers is any man in this world, but a real dad is the one who cares for you, loves you, comforts you when you need comforting, buys you all the things you need, and is there for you 100%. A bio father is just a person who help create you, any man on the street can do that. Maybe if you talked to your friend about putting it this way she might just consider telling her daughter the truth? I told my daughter at a young age so she wouldn't find out accidentally & hate me for not telling her. I hope it all turns out for the best.

After telling my daughter the truth, she didn't even look at the pictures in the album, she just was not interested, but she ran over to my husband and sat on his lap & put her arms around his neck and told him she was glad he was her dad.

I know a tear jerker moment. :)

Answer 3

Maybe the mother doesn't really know who the father is.  Pretty bad, huh?  Maybe she slept with more than on mexican guy at the time.

Maybe you can tell the child that when she's 18, you'll tell her everything.  But do wait until she's 18.  But then again, it might ruin your friendship with the mother.  Something to think about.

Answer 4

You don't say how old the child is. Maybe the Mom doesn't think she is emotionally mature enough to handle it. Do you know the circumstances surrounding the child's natural father?

I know my sister didn't tell my neice that she had a different father until she was about eight and that is because someone accidentally let it slip.

No one wanted her to know because her biological father was in prison for three years for stalking and breaking into my sister's house and assaulting her while she was holding my neice, sent us death threat letters from prison and has been in prison since this and is a heroin addict.

So, there are different situations but if it were a scenario like this, you want to protect your child, but if the father wants to be in the child's life or she just doesn't want to say then I think the child should know when they are old enough to understand but not too old as to where they might be resentful

EDIT: with your added details and the age of the child, the mother needs to suck it up and be honest with her child. There seems to be no apparent valid reason for her not saying beyond her own selfishness and her daughter is going to resent her and possibly be angry for a very long time if she doesn't come clean.

Answer 5

Tell her to put herself into her child's shoes and ask her what she would honestly want of her mom..........

Answer 6

Send the mom here and tell her to read. If she doesn't want to listen to you maybe she will listen to others.

40,000 people can't be wrong.

Answer 7

well if she does not tell her she will be facing alot of problems when that child gets older if she is 10 in my opinion she should of been told her that is just selfish and she is only thinking of herself not putting the child best interest up front!

Answer 8

Yeah I do agree this young girl needs to be told the truth.   Since her biofather is Mexican she should be able to have some pride in being part Mexican as well as being a  person who is mixed raced.

This could all blow up in your friends face even more if her birthfather is trying to find her. Her mother never informed him of a pregnancy he could petition for dna test and then even visitation or joint custody.

Its seems you have told your friend a lot of reasons why keeping this a secret is a very bad idea.  Maybe ask her to place herself in her daughters shoes, how she would feel about it, if she was her daughter and later found out her mother had been lying to her.

If you knew someone who had a similar experience - was not told that one of their parents was not the bioparent, even more in the case where the bioparents were different races. Talked to your friend maybe that would help. If not all you can do is keep talking to her and she will just have to deal with the affects of her lie, when they implode.

Answer 9

This is a tragic epidemic. Sometimes the men don't even know that they have chilren. For years I've been trying to convince my sister to tell my niece who her biofather is, or at least that she has a biofather. She just says she will and to let it go. At some point it will come out and the longer she waits the more it will hurt.

She will likely never "know" her father due to incarceration for a violent crime against he mother, but she does need to know. It is just as much a part of her story.

I also had a neighbor who had an affair with a married man and while pregnant met her future husband. He signed the BC and is Daddy. They currently extort money from the bio father to keep it a secret. He is in another state so everyone her knows.Except the kid.

She need to know that it WILL COME OUT and when it does her daughter will be so hurt and may never forgive her.

Answer 10

While I agree with you that your friend should be more truthful with her daughter, I don't think it is your place to convince her of this.  She has a right to raise her child as she sees fit, and obviously she knows her daughter better than anyone else does.  It's very possible that she thinks her daughter would not be able to handle the information at this point in her life, and will tell her when the time is right.

Answer 11

I think the moms right. I grew up in similar circumstances and I think it was the right decision. I grew up thinking my dad was my bdad and there was no reason it should have been any different. He was a great father and telling me about another man at that age would have confused me and ruined the relationship I had with my dad.

Answer 12

I know it sounds mean, but I'd tell her she's being selfish, self serving and incapable of putting aside her own feelings for the sake of her child.  Maybe it would help her daughter to know that mom's do make mistakes and that we're not all perfect, but that she took responsibility for her mistake...isn't that a good lesson to teach your child?  Not only that, but could prevent her daughter from making the same or similar mistake.