How do I work through this mess?

Question

I posted this question a couple of hours ago, but need more advise. My bf lives in NJ and I live in Ohio. We met with unusual circumstances and instantly fell in love. We were both in relationships at the time. Because of the distance between us, we have been able to work through some of our individual problems without much interference.

His ex still lives with him. She has a sperate room and they are not married. I know she has a seperate room because I talk to him everynight by webcam and she is not there. Plus, I talk to him on the phone daily and I can hear her in the background, so she knows he is talking to me. They have no children together, although she has helped in raising his 12 year old autistic son. He has asked her to move out. She is not budging. He is getting more and more angry with her by the day. When I visit him I have to stay in a hotel. This really makes him angry because he wants me to come to his house. She knows about me and she knows that he and I intend on being together. What should I do? Should I confront her? Should I stay out of it for now? He goes to therapy and they used to go together. They were together 10 years and he has supported her. I feel like she wont leave because she doesn't feel as though she can make it without him. He doesn't want her in his house. I just don't know what to do or say to him anymore. When I visit him we both stay together. He doesn't leave me for one second. I am planning a trip to see him for a week in Ocotber and she may still be in the house when I get there. What complicates the matter is that I have kids too and a husband that I am seperated from that I was married to for 7 years. I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past. WTF do I do?

Answer 1

That's funny.  He's getting more & more angry with HER?  Why?  I don't see the problem.  They have NO kids together & according to HIM they have no relationship.  Why is he so mad at her?  And why is she still living there?  Is he putting this all on her as an excuse?  If my husband & I broke up tomorrow you had bet I would have an apartment of my own the same day.

As for her being in the room while he's talking to you . . . she probably thinks he's talking to a co-worker.  At least that's what he's telling her.

Answer 2

Whoa, baggage alert!

Listen, if he was with this "other" woman for 10 years he can't just kick her out of the house and it's all hunky dory.  They have things to work out even though "he" claims the house is his.  Don't ya know all men claim everything as theirs even if it is in his name it does not necessarily mean it is so.

Give that woman a break and lay off the man.  Give yourself a break and don't complicate your life any further until he's over his baggage.

YOU deserve better than this and so do your children.

There are a million con men out there and even though you can "see" with a webcam what he's doing you still don't know what situation you're involved in because you only have his side of the story.  It's like everyone believing only what your ex (should soon to be ex) has to say about you.  It wouldn't be accurate would it?

Let him handle his matters and then you two see if you st ill have a meeting of the minds.  Chances are he'd back out because men like that are with other women because they're EASY to be with as not many other women out there that would be with him currently.

No, don't contact the other woman.  That is just too freaky and would lack some respect for her in the situation.  It's so freaky in fact that for all you know they're together setting you up for who knows what because you seem so gullible and eager to buy into his side of the story.

PLEASE do take care of yourself if not for your own sake but for that of  your children that need their mother.

Answer 3

Too long, but I'll say one thing for sure, you have no right to be that tied up with this man. So what if they are not married, she still lives there UNTIL she moves. Think about it, he uses you for his live in babysitter for a child that he may not even know how to understand or handle, then schemes to dump you too when someone else comes on the cam. If he can't make her leave, you need to butt out and mind your own business. There's got to be something he does not tell you. He is demeaning to her, at all costs and this is how you are basing your life with him? UGH!!

Answer 4

Not that my life is perfect by any means... it sounds like you may just need some time to be alone. Listen to yourself...you are going from one complicated situation to the next. Is this relationship truly something you want to involve yourself in. Does it make you happy?? Trust your instincts... What's going to happen when you divorce your husband? will you marry this new guy? Do you think you can be happy given all of the circumstances. He's been with this woman for 10 years...she's raised his son, and...even though he says he doesn't want her to be there...she still lives with him. And...why can't you stay with him at his house...when you visit?? It seems like he's not giving you the whole story.  Do you trust him??

Answer 5

They had a relationship for 10 years.  Newsflash their relationship still isnt over.  Until she moves out there is still a relationship. Stay out of it.

Also watch his behavior during this period of time.  How he treats her when she is going might indicate how he would treat you when and if it is your turn.

Dont rush into another relationship right away.  You should spend some time on your own to deal with the death of your own relationship.  You have children to consider.  You have to put them first.  They should be your first priority.  How are they dealing with you and your husband being separated?  Remember that children learn what they see.  Are you sending the right message to your children?

Also this sounds more like infatuation, you are watching him sleep!!! How old are u anyway?

Answer 6

No, you shouldn't confront her. He should tell her to move out. Who's house is it? His or they both own/rent it (who's on the lease)? This doesn't make sense if it's his house he can make her move out very easily.

Answer 7

It sounds to me that you are correct that they aren't really together anymore. You have too much evidence for that.

But, I think your boyfriend is letting her take advantage of him. If you seriously love this guy and he loves you, then she has to go.

You have to tell your boyfriend that he has to give her a deadline to be out of the house. If he doesn't follow through with it, then I would reconsider the relationship.

Good luck!

Answer 8

i think you should stay away from him until she is gone from the house. STAY OUT OF IT. i can't believe someone with kids would behave as irresponsibility as this. i'm sorry, but this is really bad behavior on your behalf. getting involved with some guy living with his ex, and you still visit him, so anxious to stay in a hotel and be the other woman?

so sad...are you really so naive?

if he WANTED her gone, she would be gone. simple.