How do adoptees feel about their adoptive parents?

Question

I've been reading through the forum and I'm so worried. I would like to adopt a child from foster care soon. Do adoptees resent their new parents? I know their are abandonment issues but in general how do you feel about your AP? Did you go as a family to counseling?

I want to learn as much as I can to help the new additions...when they come.

Thanks!

Answer 1

I know a couple that addopted 2 kids and they love them so much.

THe kids love their new parents like none other dont worry just show them love

Answer 2

Each adoptee will feel differently.  However, I will say that I love my adoptive parents.  I don't resent them.  My concerns about adoption have nothing to do with my feelings about my adoptive parents.

I was adopted as an infant.  Those adopted from foster care may have information more directly relevant to your question.

Answer 3

My adoptive father died before my first b'day - so I never really knew him.

I loved my adoptive mother very much - sadly she died when I was 18.

My only wish was that my adoptive mother knew more about the affects of relinquishment and adoption on me (the child) - and helped me through some bad times a little better. She didn't know how.

She should have given me more info about my bio family - instead she said it upset 'her' when I asked questions.

She was the adult - I was the child - she made it about her - not about me.

I was the one yearning to know about where I came from - so I could form a better image of who I am.

Adoptees need to know their bio family (personally - if at all possible) to get a better sense of their own self image - and self worth.

It's not about who is the better parent - either. Most adoptees just want to be allowed to know and love both of their families - not be made to take sides.

Isn't it better for a child to have loads of people to love - instead of being told to only love just a few??

When there are secrets and lies in adoption - that's when the troubles arise for the adoptee. If you don't know the truth - don't make it up - try to find out the truth.

They just want their truth - and to know where they fit into the scheme of things.

Above all - make sure the adoption is completely ethical - as one day you'll have to look your adoptee in the eye - and be able to truthfully say that their adoption was in their best interests - not in yours.

Answer 4

I am estranged from my aparents & it will stay that way. My aparents were very abusive, and that is a reflection of THEM as parents, not all aparents. Had I been a biological child I highly doubt I wouldve been treated any differently by them, I still wouldve been abused, and I would still be estranged from them

Answer 5

I love, admire, and respect my parents. I believe that being adopted was the best possible thing that could have happened to me - and my bmom, with whom I am reunited , agrees. Some adoptees would rather not have been adopted, or believe they would have been just as happy had they stayed with their bmoms. Others, like myself, are endlessly glad to have been raised by the parents who raised them. As others have said. I would say that your happiness with your parents has a lot to do with the way they parented you. Much as some non-adopted people grow up estranged from their biological parents and others grow up happy, the same will be said of those in an adoption situation., with the possible extra feelings of abandonment. Of course, many people grow up with those same feelings as a result of neglect or divorce, so there are no guarantees in life.

Answer 6

The pain and anger I feel as an adoptee has nothing to do with my adoptive parents.  They were wonderful parents to me as I was growing up and are my best friends now that Im an adult.  When a child is taken from their birth mother, no matter what age that happens at, it raises issues of abandonment and loss.  My earliest knowledge revolves around the fact that the family who I was born into didnt want me, that they rejected me.  Further I believe that even infants know that the person holding them isnt the person who carried them through pregnancy.  None of this has anything to do with the adoptive parents, if you treat your adoptive children with love and compassion then that love will be returned to you.  Just dont deny your children the right to their feelings and dont make them feel guilty for having them.

Answer 7

I was adopted at an early age.  I was old enough to know what what going on but too young to understand why.  Sometimes when my aparents fought and I had to watch I'd wish I couldve stayed where I was.  There came a time when I was just a rebelious teenager who couldn't see how they could love me.  I wanted my bmom.  

As I got older I realized that they loved me and that they wanted nothing but the best for me.  I know that if it wasn't for my bmom I would not be on this earth.  She brought me into this world but my aparents....they are my REAL parents because they took care of me when I was sick, sent me to school, provided everything I ever needed and taught me that you have to work hard for the things you want in life.  They taught me to value family, to have respect for not only others but myself as well.  They always gave me their UNCONDITIONAL love and never gave up on me when I went through my rebelious years, Most importantly....throughout it all, they NEVER made me feel like I was anything less than their own child.

Answer 8

I love my adoptive parents with all my heart.   My relationship with them has nothing to do with how I feel about the adoption practises in the USA.   They are separate issues entirely.  

Searching and /or trying to improve the adoption system is not a reflection on an adoptee's parents, nor is it a result of any 'bad adoption experience' which is another label so casually tossed around on here.

Don't worry.

Answer 9

It depends on whether they are good adoptive parents or not.  For example, I loved my adoptive mom (she's passed on now.)  There was no reason to resent her.  Now, if she'd been a really lousy mother, perhaps I would resent her.

I do, however, resent a system that denies me equal treatment under the law simply because someone adopted me.  But, that's not my adoptive mom's fault.

Answer 10

I probably shouldn't answer this because I'm not an adoptee, but this is what I think I understand about adoption and pain.  The adoption itself, and the "adoption experience" are two separate issues.

The adoption itself creates a separation (from biological family and other caregivers), which COULD result in pain, anger, and fear.  Each person reacts to the separation and loss their own way.  Nothing is guaranteed, and I personally think you're doing a great thing by learning about the possibilities.

The adoptee's personal experience with adoption (i.e. the adoptive family) is a separate issue.  Many of the adoptees here say that they adore their AP's, and that they are good people.  That doesn't mean they like ADOPTION, or the fact that they are adopted, but it does mean that (hopefully) they have had a good experience with their adoptive family.

What I think many adoptees are angry with is a system that treats them like children regardless of their age (i.e. won't give them their birth certificate or information about their own origins without Mommy's signature), and a general attitude about adoption that discourages AP's and PAP's from learning and understanding about adoption loss.  Many AP's seem to think that adoption is a great way to get a new baby to match the rest of the family, a cute little cherub to mold into their own creation, or a way to ease the pain of infertility, and it just doesn't work that way.  When the reasons for adopting don't include the welfare of the child who is being adopted, the result puts a huge burden on a child.  How can any child be expected to erase an adult's pain over something the child has NOTHING to do with?  It's not possible, and sets both parties up for failure.  My belief is that AP's need to be as educated as possible about the POSSIBILITIES of what their children might go through (so BRAVO! to you!!!), and prepared to support their children, no matter what issues come up throughout the years (even if the kids are happy little campers and never have ANY issues come to the surface).

I hope that makes sense, and that I helped some.  Feel free to email me.

Answer 11

my adoptive parents were wonderful. they gave me a great life. many of the stories you read here are not happy, why someone would adopt a child to hurt them or abuse them is beyond me. samone is an example. she is a bright sweet person, i know her background and quite simply, cant understand how she came away in one piece.

that really shows her character.

dont worry, read these stories, listen to their histories. learn.

educate yourself so that you dont become one of those ap's that cause such pain. you concern shows you are open to making an effort. good for you.

Answer 12

questions like this normally get me thumbs down, and/or emails from people who frequent this site- and I can still not understand why, but here it goes- I AM VERY GRATEFUL for my adoptive parents.  I never had an abandonment issue, I knew that I was adopted before I even knew what it meant.  No I did not need counseling because I was adopted.   My hubby and I also adopted 2 children, who are now 19 and 16.   How can you help the new additions?  Love them as your own, because they are your own.  Now since you seem to be looking to adopt an older child in foster care, you may have some abandonment issues- and you may have to go to counseling- however I can tell you loving the child that is placed in your home, is the best thing you can do for anyone.  Good luck, and may you and your new child, grow together in love and understanding.

Answer 13

With children from Foster Care there are bigger issues....

One of the most important is HOW many caregivers a child has had and the quality of the attachment each child made with the caregivers...

My daughter in NO Way resents me or her adoptive father...

My Daughter however does have Reactive Attachment Disorder which really has little to do with resentment toward us and more to do with the fact that by the age of 5 she had an unhealthy attachment with an abusive caregiver and two different foster homes before she came to us....

I do not take her inability to trust and love as a resentment to me...even when her words and actions may make me a target. She is too young to understand the way to manager her feelings...

I may be the target of fear and the inability to trust because I am the caregiver and it has and will take a long time for her to overcome her attachment issues.... They have nothing to do with me....

My position is to remain calm, take nothing personally and Help Her Learn to Trust....after all I pray she has a healthy attachment to her own husband and children.... It is Not about me....

I may hear "I hate you" and I can choose to think it is all about the fact she is adopted or remember saying this to my mom or hearing my bio child say it about me.... I hate you is not about adoption....It's normal.

The KEY is to remember that these are children and they have to be helped to feel safe... If we walk around feeling their Love and Adorance of US is the important issue then we miss the chance to teach them to love, respect and attach to others....

**Added... Yes, in many cases adopted Foster Children do need ongoing mental health therapy, IEP's, Crisis intervention and other special services....

Answer 14

There can be medical conditions  mental conditions please do not think I am rude but there are times that moms do not want these kids because they are weak of sick.

My only opinion would be the younger the better because they have less experience it is better to give them a new culture right away. Less baggage.. This may sound crule but I have delt with many kids that can't adjust to new familys.

Many many can though.. best wishes to all of you with success.

Answer 15

Of course I loved my adoptive parents.

They were the best parents anyone could ask for.

Answer 16

I LOVE MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS!! =)