How do adoptive parents reconcile the "dream" child and the actual child?

Question

I was adopted because my amother wanted a girl. She definitely had a particular kind of daughter in mind when they adopted me...I know this because of how she tried to force me into her ideal of the "perfect" little girl....pink everything, bows, flouncy dresses, mary janes...the whole dreamy picture.

Too bad for both of us that I was a tomboy who loved jeans, riding horses, climbing trees, and getting dirty in general.

Now, every case may not be so overt, but in any case, how, as an adoptive parent, does one reconcile what you dream of to be the special image of a child that you hold in your mind, and the reality of the adoptee that you actually end up with?

Answer 1

I never had a "Dream child". When I was pregnant or waiting for my son to be born, I never looked passed the next day.

My son was very sick and tiny and has had a million dollars of health care the past 2.5 years. He is sick a lot and ofter people ask whats wrong with him (not so much this past 6 months though)..... I have never even once felt disappointed. I never regretted adopting him and if  were faced with the same option I would have done things differently with the pre-adoption stuff, do I would have loved him and taken him all the same.

I think a lot of people who are expecting a child have a dream of what they want. I admit I wanted my daughter to hale light eyes, just because I had brown eyes and always loved light colored eyes, but now, those big brown eyes are so beautiful and fit her perfect. I though I would have a girly girly, because of all the women in the fam, but I have a worm diggin' mud throwing fisher-woman.

If you don't have expectations, then you don't have disappointments. My kids aren't employees or cars that under perform. They are little I live with who make good and bad choices and I am there to lead them.

Even when my kids make bad choices (like create a 5 foot work of art on their bedroom wall) I am still proud that they are assertive.

Answer 2

There are adoptive and birth parents like this. Unfortunately I had an adoptive parent like this...but she was controlling with everyone, so it wasn't just an adoptive 'thang'.  She wanted to control her birth child's clothes too, lucky for him, he was a boy.

I'm sure there are some adoptive parent who go into adoption with rose tinted glasses on, but then again, some birth parents do too.

My adoptive mother did the same, (she was emotionally and physically abusive) even in up to my MID teens, she was trying to force me into lacy socks and frilly pink clothes, it was hideous. Even skirts with knee high white socks and sandal type shoe. -at the age of 15!

I used to duck into some bushes on the way to school, to change. I did end up having to go to school in some truly awful clothes. She'd buy shoes from the UK, and have them sent over to the USA, sandal type shoes...for 13/14 year olds...that would have suited a 3 year old. SO embarrassing.



She had to have her way, she wanted a 'mini me' of herself. ..or of how she saw herself. No one said 'no' to her.

I was blonde and blue eyed,but I loved climbing trees, exploring, bike riding etc..

Answer 3

Every parent is different and as you describe, some see the "idea of a child" more than the actual child in front of them.  I think every child wants the parent to appreciate them for who they are.  I always grieve a little when I hear parents planning out a child's life and agonizing over gender before they are even born because it shows they don't realize the child comes with their own little personality.

Some parents look at their child as an unopened gift and eagerly wait to see what is inside, constantly setting choices before them curious about what they will choose.  I listen to my kids questions.  Whatever topic they pester me about most I know is their area of passion and we go with it.  My daughter knows EVERYTHING you can imagine about color I am constantly trying to think of new interesting things to teach her about color,  and my son builds cities out of everything imaginable, we take a picture, he tears it down and starts a new one (he won't throw a ball and that is fine...)  I couldn't have predicted these people before they were born and I can't make them be like me, although I wish they would sing just one tiny song, they won't and I dropped the idea long ago.  They are who they are.

Anyway, you can't change any parent, adoptive or not, the desire to change their "dream" in exchange for the beauty of the child they are entrusted with has to come from within.  Love your parents how they are though, no parents are perfect.

Answer 4

I never had a picture in my mind of what my "dream child" would look or act like. I knew from the time I had my first serious boyfriend at the age of 19 that if for some reason I could not conceive, I would adopt. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. When I finally did get married, to a different guy 12 years later, we tried everything short of IVF (couldn't afford it) before giving up on conception. We started on the adoption process shortly after starting fertility treatments. I wanted to be a mom; it didn't matter to me where my child came from. DCFS matched us with a five year old girl in March 2003 and we were thrilled! We went out and bought girly bedroom furniture and all kinds of things for her. We couldn't wait to be parents. Within a week of being matched, the little girl's previously unknown grandfather surfaced and said he would parent the little girl. We were devastated (even though we knew it was good that she had a true family member caring for her at last). When I asked my husband to cancel the furniture delivery, he said, "Why? Let's just accept the delivery so we'll be ready when we get matched again." I said, "No. First, I won't be able to handle walking past that room every day, filled with furniture and toys, knowing she's not coming home with us. Second, the next child is going to be a 2 year old boy." Three months later, DCFS called us: they had matched us with a 2-1/2 year old boy! I don't know how I knew that three months earlier, but I just felt it somehow. Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I was ready for whatever came my way: biological children or adopted children; boy or girl. I grew up with a sister and didn't have any close male cousins so I didn't know much about little boys when mine came home with me in July 2003. Does that mean that I was disappointed because he wasn't a girl? (My husband even asked me that same question right before we met our son for the first time.) The answer is: heck no! I wanted a child. I wanted to be a mom. Now I am one. My son has a loving family and we all ended up benefitting from the process.

Wow! Kinda rambling. Sorry. I guess I just felt like sharing that story tonight.

Answer 5

Hi Problem Child,

I was alot like your mom in a way.  I love pink, sparklie, ruffly, foo foo things:)  My girls worst nightmare is that someone would buy me a bedazzler! lol

Seriously, when my girls were little i did the whole bows and flouncy dresses.  Its when they started talking that it all changed.  For some reason, my girls have no problem telling me what they think.  Its my job to listen.  We'll be shopping and i'll say ooohh look at this cute sparklie top?  uhm, no mom you have no clue.  I'm just saying.  NO.  Fine.

I guess as your child grows you grow too.  I never really had a "dream" child image persay but i get what you are saying.  My oldest is very opinionated, which i love, but as her mother we butt heads.  I'm trying to teach her to be herself in a respectful manner.   She thinks because we disagree so much that i don't love her as much as her sisters.  I had no idea she felt that way.  So i reminded her that i love her completely.  That i remember this attitude stuff when i was younger and that its normal. ( i suspect it will get much worse as the teenage years grow nearer)

She speaks her mind.  I told her how much i admire her strength.  After asking her 5 times to go pick up her room, i am going to get a little upset for her not listening.  When she says its stupid that she has to clean her room right now just cause i ask, you are going to lose tv for the day.  While you stomp upstairs yelling this sucks!  You will lose the computer for the day too.  When you scream, You are the meanest mom in the world.  You will be grounded for the day.  When you come down and apologize for how you reacted, i'll hug you, tell you how much i love you and send your butt back upstairs to clean your room:)

I have no expectations for who you have to be, just do so respectfully.  My bio-children are more compliant and not as high strung and my oldest has noticed this.  Personally, i wouldn't change a thing.  She is spunky as heck and i love it.  I don''t love one child more or less depending on how easy they are to parent.  That's the silliest thing i've ever heard of.  Each child is unique and special in their own right and i wouldn't change one thing about any one of my children.

Edit:  Gershom, so sorry some idiot posted that and on your birthday of all days.  People like that should be weeded out in the adoption process.  Anyone who thinks any child is a last resort does not deserve to be a parent.  Most parents know that you can give birth to a child who looks nothing like you.  Quite frankly my genetics aren't anything to brag about, i never did any infertility treatments.  Who can look at a child and not see this precious miracle?  The naughty most defiant children are my favorite:)  How superficial to say if you don't look like me and if you are not genetically related to me, you will be my last resort child.  I hope that shallow woman never becomes a mother.

Torrejon, i heart you!

Answer 6

I don't know how they do it or if they do it. I know that after I reconnected with my son I was really jazzed to learn about his biggest passion because it was one of mine too! I heard some detrimental comments about it from his amom. She eventually caught on and started accepting this part of him - I'm sure she's glad she met me even if she hates me - she learned how to give a little, to be a cheerleader for a part of my son that she had previously put down. I guess she saw my acceptance as competition, whatever, guess "competition" can really pick up the pace of "unconditional" love. Anyway, he's getting a lot more support for his dreams on the home front these days!

Answer 7

I think this is a problem for many parents and children, as all parents have a picture in their head of what their child will be like, and some have a harder time accepting diversions from that than others, and some children deviate from that picture more than others.  I think it can certainly be exacerbated in adoption if the adoptive parents haven't gotten over infertility and are still picturing a biological child, which their adopted child can obviously never fill.  

Personally, yes I had to adjust my image of my child due to infertility, and yes I had to adjust my image of my child because she was born with a special need when we were expecting a "healthy" child.  I don't know how I reconciled it, I just did.  She is my dream child, and I can't imagine now having any other daughter in the world.  She wouldn't be the person she is if anything had been different, and I would be missing the person of my daughter, the person I love more than anyone else in the world.

I guess adoptive parents have to do two things.  1- Come to acceptance of infertility (if that is in the picture) before adopting.  2- Know that your child needs to be who they are, not what you pictured them to be and let them be that, which is something biological parents need to do, too.

Answer 8

I do not think this question pertains to adoption, but to any parent.  All parents dream of what their child will be like, and as we know, children follow their own path.  Not all girls are bows and dresses and not all boys are trucks and sports.  

I think like most parents (either through birth or adoption), the best thing to do is love your child and refocus your dreams.  My husband wanted sons that loved sports and music, with his biological sons through first marriage, neither likes playing sports, the oldest just hangs out with friends and the second wants nothing to do with sports, but Ah Ha, the second one does love to play instruments, so that is the highlight and what he focuses on.

My mother had 6 kids, the oldest through adoption and the last 5 of us biological.  She would always talk to us about being a lawyer or doctor, like all the time.  Well not one of us became a doctor, my brother went to law school but instead is now a organic veggie grower, so you see, my mom still loves us we just followed our own dreams.

Answer 9

I never dreamt of a certain child or a certain way I wanted them to be.

My 2 children came to us 2 years ago, and ages 9 and 10 at the time, and were perfect for our family.

I stress to my children to be who they are, not what they think anyone wants them to be...so maybe that's why we've done so well so far.

Answer 10

I never dreamed of what a "perfect" child would be.  And what you are experience can happen in a biological family situation as well- parents ,either bio or adoptive can try and mold their children into what they desire them to be instead of allowing them to be the person that they really are.  With that in mind, I hope that your adopted mom will start to understand that you do not have to be exactly what she wants- you are special in your own right- and do not allow her to make you think otherwise. I pray that this is not hindering your relationship with her. I am adopted myself and also have 2 adopted children- and with me just because my adopted mom and I don't always see eye to eye on certain issues that does not mean that we do not love each other.  Try and understand where she is coming from ,and at the same time I hope and pray she does the same with you.  How old are you by the way?

Answer 11

I dreamed of blonde haired blue eyed children . Hubby and I would pick out kids there's your daughter... There's your son.  We would say when we saw our mini look alike blonde haired blue eyed babies. Then infertility hit.... We dreamed of Latino Children... There's your daughter... There's your son.  They are not the initial dream but there is no dream child that can outweigh the love and admiration you have for your child. Similarly, no niece or nephew is nearly as special as they were before my babies came along! The reconciliation happens as soon as you fall in love with the idea of the new child... because that's all the dream of the child was before. Believe me your Mom may have dreamed of a pretty Flouncy Princess but she would never trade in the Horse back riding Tom boy for some ribbons and lace imaginary child!!! By the way- my son loves dress up and my daughter loves ball... and I couldn't be any happier!

Answer 12

I dream that my child will be whatever he wants to be and be healthy, confident, and happy with his life and with himself....beyond that, I have no further dreams for him....but I hope he will make plenty of dreams for himself. As I have stated before, I think this is not specifically an adoption issue....as you can see anywhere the effects of children being molded into baseball, basketball, beauty pagent contestants, etc, based on their parents unrealized dreams for themselves. I wish this didn't happen....it happened to me as a biological child...and has had lasting effects of making me question my worth without societal and parental standards of success. In some ways, I think every parent wants their child to be 'like them' or to have similar interests, but many take this idea too far and end up emotionally harming the child. I think 'success' should be measured on different terms....ones that are more personal to the individual child....and not the parents or society's success/ability/likes. The special image of a child that I hold in my mind....is the child currently sleeping in his bed....no more, no less. I couldn't ask him to be more than what he is...and I couldn't want more from him than what he gives to me each second of the day.

Answer 13

My aparents specifically asked for a girl when they adopted me.  I wanted the pink everything, bows and lace...and they were not so well tolerated by the rest of my let's-go-camping family.  Go figure, eh?

I think all parents have to face up to the fact that their children (adopted or not) have the right to be or become whoever they want to be.  Some parents handle this better than others...which means that some kids have an easier or harder time becoming who they decide they want to be.  Being a parent, either adoptive or biological, does not give parents ownership rights to the child.  I think all parents have to be generous enough and secure enough to allow kids to be who they want to be.

Answer 14

My dream was "a child", the image in my mind was a blank page.   The children that came to my life are both perfect in everyway.  They have minds of their own and I'm happy with that.  They could have totally different personalities to what they have now and I would still think they were perfect.  Of course nobody is perfect, but my kids are to me.

Just a comment about that comment sent to Gershom above. All I can say is that - the world is full of idiots and that person who sent you that comment is one of them. My goodness, what lowlife.

Answer 15

Too bad this happens at all. But it can happen to biological parents as well as adoptive parents. How does any parent reconcile the fact that the child they dreamed of having isn't the one they end up with?  

It happens when a parent discovers their child is developmentally disabled. It happens when a parent discovers that their child doesn't want to be a doctor just like mom/dad. Some parents really struggle when they learn that their child is g*y. In the best case scenario, parents come to terms early that their child isn't what they might have imagined and just love them for who they are.

I can understand that as an adoptee, it feels like another rejection.  My wife is adopted. Her mother told her she "picked" my wife.  And yes, my wife had certain expectations placed on her for having been 'chosen'.  Unfair to any child!

How do adoptees come to terms with their parents disappointment?  I can see the pain it's caused my wife.

Hope you find a way to resolve this issue.

Answer 16

I dreamed my children woudl be whomever they were.  This is no different than bio children, except in bio children you can put more of a stamp on thme from the primary years.  I was also a tom boy growing up, and my mom (bio mom) wanted a girly girl.  

When I adopted, I kind of did hope for cool hippie soon to be feminist girl, but I got a girly girly girl.  (4 years old)  Everything princess.  That is who she is, it doesn't mean I won't have my stamp on her later in life so she understands our family values and such.

I think a bigger question when adopting older children is how we reconcile bonding during the testing phase, and the fact that the children who are happy to have a forever familyh are in fact quite confused, scared, and don't really beliefve you are here forever, and will test you to make sreu you will stay.  Those times are the times that people raising their own flesh and blood do not have to go through,a nd I think the hardest part of adopting older kids.

Answer 17

Heres a comment on my blog left to me (on my birthday) by someone who mistakingly thought I was a first mother, clearly for some, there is no reconcilation:

Anti-adoption advocates hate infertile couples in general, seeing us as the problem. What they fail to realize is that many, many infertile couples have NO desire at all to adopt. For us, adoption would only be a VERY LAST RESORT.

That’s right, birthmothers - your child would be a last resort for us, whether you like that or not. Your child is not the great prize you may think he is. What most of us want most is our own biological child!

Thank God for advances in reproductive medicine. IVF success rates are improving all the time. I predict in the future there will be a lot fewer people adopting or fostering children, because they will be able to have their own child.

Answer 18

I think it's very important to not HAVE expectations.  Human beings have individual personalities, and it is EXTREMELY hurtful to stifle those natural impulses.  

My husband and I joke around when reading bulletins.  I'm a lot like you...I was a tomboy, climbed trees, played with dump truck toys instead of dollies.  I'm very un-girlie, and I HATE pink.  So, when we read a bulletin about a girl who is VERY girlie, loves pink, etc., my husband always jokes, "so, you're going to make her into a raging feminist, right?  Because I KNOW you just CAN'T handle having a girlie-girl for a daughter, so you've got to CHANGE her into what YOU want her to be...right?"

It's funny because it goes against everything we believe in.  Our children are a product of their genetics first, and THEIR OWN self second.  THEY determine who they are as people, not us.  And that is exactly as it should be.

ETA: Oh my god, Gershom, that is HORRIFYING!  If they won't want to adopt, then why can't they just be content being childless???  I hope those people don't ever adopt.  Really, that is just evil and sick.

ETA2:  I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I do see this as distinctly an adoption issue.  Yes, this also happens in biological families, and it is devastating (I know, it happened to me, and I'm still "recovering" from it).  But to add "conditional acceptance" after rejection, lies, being placed in a separate category from your peers in many different ways, being raised by strangers, etc...it's just adding insult to injury.  I believe this issue is COMPOUNDED by adoption, tenfold.

Answer 19

We did a good deal of research before beginning the adoption process.  Part of that included really wrapping our minds around the idea that our children would have completely separate genetics from us as well as their own personalities, likes, dislikes, etc.  (We adopted school age children).

When we started the process, my husband and I made a concerted effort to keep our expectations in check and just let things unfold as they would.  We didn't do a lot of clothes/toy shopping before the adoption because we had no idea what kinds of things they would like.  We encourage our children to try new things, new experiences, to see what they might enjoy, even if it's something entirely new.