How do aparents handle this....?

Question

I am so sick of people telling me how lucky my son is that we adopted him. My son is a bright and loving child that I feel has brought many blessings to MY Life not the other way around.

And also the people that refer to my other kids as my REAL kids! I even asked some if my youngest was a fake child!

So, how do other adoptive parents handle this?

I know, kinda a rant, but I really want to know if others have experienced this and how they deal with it.

Answer 1

For the amount YOU'RE told the adoptees should be "lucky" imagine how often THEY are told to feel grateful and lucky.

welcome to the life of an adoptee. And if they speak about anything other than "lucky" feelings, they're called n***s, bitter, angry, ungrateful and selfish, would have been aborted, shut up and be grateful b******s.

Answer 2

For every time they say the child is lucky, I reply "yes i know WE are very lucky."  I will not let them have the last word.

Real....

I touch my child and say "yep she's real."  All of my children are my real children.  Are you trying to ask a question about adoption?

Answer 3

I think that you handled it very well already.  The other kids are not your fake children so what are they talking about?  My step father adopted me when I was 15 and he is my dad no matter what other people say and he doesn't differentiate between his real children or myself and my brother.  If they continue to say these things I would say exactly what you already did and let them know you don't appreciate their comments whether they intended for it that way or not.

Answer 4

I would tell them straight out. Just tell them," Please don't lable them that way because they are all my kids." Once you say that then they should understand. If it is someone you know then they should of called them by name and not lable them. If it is a agencies, then just forget it. You can explain that you would appreciate if they don't say that.

Answer 5

I hear you, Heather!  Unfortuantely it becomes part and parcel with being an adoptive parent.  

You can look at this as being an opportunity to provide education on adoption, including appropriate verbage (ie: "Real" kids).  

But it's okay to just blow it off when you don't want to deal with it too!

Most people, I've found, are generally well meaning and curious and a gentle reminder that their language is insensitive will earn you an embarassed apology.  Because of this, I generally avoid the snarky come-backs, even if they feel good.  But I do reserve the right to come back with a few zingers for people that don't get the hint.

Hang in there!  All adoptive parents go through it too!

Answer 6

Its not a rant at all...it is a genuine concern.  

I also have 1 biological child and 1 adopted child and well people are just rude...  I call them "my children" or "my son and my daughter" but not "my real child and my adopted child"...

I went through this and I just simply tell them...

"These are both my children, one grew in my stomach and the other grew in my heart,but they are the same to me and please don't insinuate that I love one more or different than the other. We are blessed to have  both of our children."

Answer 7

Those insensitive people who refer to real kids should be told to stifle themselves. I would talk to them and tell them that it bothers you as the child is your real child. And to think that a child should be grateful we took them in is too much to ask.

And yes he probably is lucky to have been adopted by you - but they dont have to bring it up at every occasion.

Answer 8

I am 25 and adopted three children with disabilities and I am about to have my first bio child. Some people have said things to me about oh, it will be different with this child because it is really going to be yours, but I always explain to them that all my children are MINE, you dont have to give birth to a child to be their parent, its who raises and loves them and gives them a good life. I have quit letting it bother me, but I have let people know that I have now 4 REAL children and not just 1 coming =)

Answer 9

You cut them off at the pass. As soon as the sentence starts to form you say, That is really ignorant, Sally. It will never happen again.

I have trained everyone around me.

It helps that I never discuss his adoption unless it is with a social worker.

Answer 10

=(...

the same problem applies to those who have "half or step" children or brothers and sisters...

they are all real, whether they are adopted, half, or step, or natural...that's the truth...

=)

Answer 11

The definition of adoption by Chicken Soup for the Adoptive mother Soul is The baby grew in mommies heart instead of her tummy. They're still your children whether you birthed them or adopted them and it doesn't make a difference. I know lots of people who have been adopted and they have 2 families. My best friend has a mom and her mommy. A dad and her papa.

Answer 12

Such comments normally come for individuals whose lives have not been touched by adoption.  While it is very rude-such comments are generally an attempt to talk to you about adoption and the kids.  Any opportunity to spread the joy of adoption should be a welcomed one.

Real kids?  That is a new one for me.  However, two retorts come to mind

Real as opposed to....?  (Leave the question open and allow them to explain)

or

Yes, and I have the grocery receipt to prove it.  

It has been my experience the questioner is not interested in the kids as much as finding out about you.

Answer 13

Just tell people to "pinch" your son to see if he's real.

I did this to one of my daughter's friends several years ago when she questioned how I could be a real mom.

It's kind of a cute way to get your point across and not many will know what to say after that.

Answer 14

My sister was adopted, and she felt left out sometimes. my parents used to always introduce her as a our adopted sister. Some people reffered to my sisters and I as real sisters, mom used to correct them and us.  She sometimes felt like she got treated differently because she was adopted, but my mom and dad tried to love us all the same.

Answer 15

A lot of adoptees refer to non-adopted people as REAL kids! It's hard to feel 'real' when anything that attaches you to the planet is unknown or a secret.

Just say that YOU are 'lucky'.

After all YOU were the one who wanted a child, right?  Your child certainly didn't ASK to be adopted.

So you could say your child did YOU a favor!