How do i explain this to my son???

Question

i am married and have 2 children. my first was not b my husband. we started dating when my son was about 4 months old. my husband and i were best friends r we got married and b4 we stated dating. we met in the army. he was deployed whenmy son was born, and about 4 months later we started dating, even though he was in iraq. we were practicly 2gether b4 we "technicly" started dating. everyone thought we were, anyways, not the point, lol. so we sarted dating when my son was 4 months od, but he never actually met him tell he was about 9 months or so. we got married about 6 months later. he loves my son to death and is the ONLY father he knows. the biologicle dad was never in the pic. my husband and i juz had a baby.and my husband wants to be on my sons birth certificate. but how do i explain to my son later (hes 22 months right now) but how do i explain this to him? he knows my husband as his dad and he is, he raised him an loves him!! but im nervous 4 the subject to come up!!

Answer 1

Just be honest. If the subject ever comes up just tell him what happened and that you met his Daddy and fell in love and now you are married. A Dad is not someone who "makes" you a Dad is someone who raises you, who loves you more than anything, someone who is always there for you and supports you. Call the other man his Birth Father and his Dad who raised him Dad. Its stange but you figure things out and it makes sence. You dont have to expalin it to him now.. I was in preschool when I figured out I was adopted. I was sitting on my Moms lap and pointed at her stomach and said "thats where Im from" she said "no actually you and your sister were from another woman who gave birth to you and that makes you adopted which is a very special thing, now your daddy and I have you and we love you very much" I just jumped down and said "ok" from then On I understood that I was not born from her and my Dad but that they were the ones that I knew because they raised me and loved me enough to take me in. You can just explain it to your son that he has another father that is called is birth father but his real Daddy is the one who loves him and takes care of him. He will just learn it and understand it trust me. Its strange but if you just grow up knowing it doesnt seem odd to the child.

Answer 2

Don't worry.  Your son will love the man who loved and raised him even if he is not the biological father.  It's funny but kids are have it in them to know who cares for them--it's a survival technique for them.  My mother's situation was almost identical to yours.  She told me that I had another father when I was like 3 or 4.  Even at that young age I remember thinking so what I have a dad right here.  I never wanted to meet the "other" biological father.  I did meet him as I grew older but my love for the dad who raised me remains.  As I grew older I appreciated my dad even more knowing that he stepped up to the plate and loved me even though he did not have to!  My dad always tells me I am a gift from God.  That God gave me him.  He is the biological father of my siblings but I never felt a difference in the way he treats me and them.  I think that is very important as well.  So I do not think you should worry.  It will all work out and your son is simply blessed and loved!

Answer 3

The best thing you can do for your children is to be completely honest with him... he will be happy that he is loved by your new husband... he doesn't know the other guy anyway...  If you aren't honest in the beginning, he will not be happy about it later.

Good luck!

Answer 4

You don't have to tell him right now. I would say wait until he is about 4 or maybe 5 until you tell him. He is to young to understand right now. When you do talk to him about it tell him that even though your husband is not his by blood that he is however his son by heart.

Answer 5

If you choose to tell him, just tell him the truth that he is not a mistake, and that the man he calls dad loved him enough to step in and take care of him.

Answer 6

I wouldn't worry about it until he's five or so.  Just be honest, and keep it simple.

Answer 7

You need to consider a stepparent adoption, and will need an attorney. When your son is old enough simply explain the circumstances, and how much his dad loves him and adopted him so you all could be a complete family legally as well as emotionally..

Answer 8

Here is what I have told my Dad (stepfather):  Anyone can be a father, but it takes a man to be a Daddy.

Just tell your son that even though he is not related by blood, the man he knows as his Dad IS his Dad.  A Dad is the man who is there for you, puts food on the table, keeps a roof over your head, the clothing on your back, who puts you first no matter what the circumstances.

Answer 9

With birthmothers, and mothers through adoption, it is easier.  You can start the "growing in the tummy" talks and go from there.   But with fatherhood it is more complicated.

Because, in order for a child to understand this difference, bio dad versus dad, he must understand anatomy and s*x!  And obviously, that is way too much info right now~

So what can you do now to help him understand this, and lay the groundwork for the future?   Talk openly about --

1.  How there are all kinds of families -- grandparent, step parents, adoption, foster care, etc.

2.  Get book on the different kinds of families -- there are a ton!

3.  Demonstrate your appreciation of different kinds of families in your normal everyday talk and observations of others.

4.  Talk to him about: What is a daddy? Or tell him what a daddy is at this age.  Then later have him tell you this.  He will grow up with this in his mind and heart.

5.  Then when the biology stuff is begining to kick in, say around age 6-9, begin to speak to him about the bioloigcal way in which he was created.  But NEVER put down his bio dad.  No matter what. In fact, yo can make sure he knows that you "loved" "liked"  another man before daddy.  Say something good about him.  "He had the most beautiful brown eyes."  Or, "He was a very talented musician."  It is all abot association.  He will associate positive things about this man long before he knows he is related to him.  This will also lay the foundation for hearing more information about his bio dad later.  What yo want is a boy who has a good self esteem, right?  That is why you only positive things to say  about him.  Not glorify, just simply statements.  Just like you do now for his daddy!

Just remember, never have "THE" talk with children!  It hurts them deeply to think they are one way in a family and then are told they are in the family another way.  lt should come naturally, bits and little pieces at a time.  No BIG shocking talks, no "Now, this is your story".  That is overwhelming, and leaves kids feeling betrayed.      

Also, go to the library and try looking for anything written by Lois Melina.   Excellent source on adoption info, and may cover this topic as well.  Good luck!

Answer 10

The only reason why he would need to know who his real father is , is for health purposes only. Dad is whoever acts like Dad for him.

Answer 11

say that the guy your married to now, is his real dad. when i say real dad, i mean someone who is a father figure. if that other guy was never in the picture then i suppose he was a jerk and not worth talking about. don't explain the birth cirtificate thing, thats too complcated for a 22 month old.

Answer 12

When you think your son is ready to know you tell him the whole true. You shouldnt lie about any of this to him. I was adopted when i was around 3-5 years old. I know that my dad didnt have a part in making me but he was my real dad, i loved him because i knew he was there for me. My other "Father" if i can say that cuz hes really not, was never there and from what i hear he was a real jackass. Im sure that your son will still love his daddy, if someone is there for you all the time you will love them like your own, and you will claim them. yes i will admit when i was younger i said  some mean things to my dad when i was mad at him, and i felt like a real butt head later. My dad just past away last oct. and im pretty sure we both know that we love each other. My real father wants to meet me but i wont go to see him because i feel that it would be letting my DAD down. So im sure that your son will be okay. Just dont lie to him.

Answer 13

Don't wait until he's 18.  I knew several people who had that happen & it was really screwed up.

Answer 14

So, the biological father has NEVER been in the picture? Does he even know he fathered a child with you? Since your current hubby is the only father your son has known, then I would say that you for sure SHOULD allow him to legally adopt him. You mentioned a birth certificate. Is the biological father listed on this? I would consult with an attorney about the legal issues. Meaning to my knowledge, if the biological father is listed on the birth certificate, he will have to sign off his parental rights in order for your current husband to adopt your son. So, that's one issue you need to look into. Even if the biological father is NOT listed on the birth certificate, I would explain the FULL story to an attorney for their advice. In other words, are you safe if for some reason out of the blue the biological father bumps into you or catches wind that he has a son? So, the way I see it you have two issues to deal with: one, a legal issue to protect your rights; two, an ethical question of when or whether to tell you son about this at all.

As for the ethical question, that's a toughie. If other friends or family members know "the truth" then I would tell your child the truth. But, that opens up a whole other can of worms. Like, for example let's say your son wants to contact his birth father. Then, the birth father files legal papers and protests the adoption of a child you failed to tell him about ( if that's the case ), etc.

If essentially NO one knows the real story. I would be inclined to let your hubby adopt him. Then, if this biological father truly is not around or known to other family members,etc. i would consider this similar to a woman who used a donor sperm. I have friends who went thru infertility treatments. She used donor sperm. Only 4 people in this world know this and none of us will ever say a word. The ONLY father this child has EVER known IS her Father. WHY tell her that she didn't come from her dad's sperm???

Now, your situation is different because with a sperm donor you truly have NO idea WHO the person is, whereas you know who the biological father is.

IF there is even a remote change of your son finding out "the truth" then I would tell him. I would handle this the way I know other adoptive parents do. You start talking with them about it when they're little so it's not NEW to them. NOT a shocker for them at say 16. They grow up knowing that their Daddy loves him SO much that he grew from his heart. That babies come into the world in many ways. Some babies have parents who don't share their blood or dna and some babies have parents who have the blood and dna of one parent. But, that being a parent, a Mommy or Daddy, isn't about biology, it's about LOVE and that his Daddy loves him SO MUCH.

I've read that psychologists suggest for parents who adopt to just start telling "the story" when they're little. That way they've heard it, even if they don't understand it at the time. But, over time they "get it" and it's not some big, dark secret.

Again, there's lots of questions I have about your question such as does anyone know about the birth father? Is he listed on the birth certificate? etc.

I would seek counsel from an attorney to cover yourselves legally. Then, depending on whether the biological dad knows or others know and/or can be trusted to remain silent, I would either tell my child or I would treat this the same as you going to a sperm bank and not tell my son. It's a tough call and I always think honesty is the best policy. My fear is that if you don't educate your son about the truth this will not only haunt you, but it could devastate and confuse him.

Best wishes to you, sweetie. I hope you find peace in whatever decisions you make. Love is the most important thing in being a parent, not biology. It sounds like you and your hubby have plenty of that. Hugs :) Missy

Answer 15

I think you should definitely not keep it from your little guy when he's older. Tell him before he gets too old so that it's just part of his life that he's basically always known and doesn't feel odd about. I don't know when you'd want to give him the s*x talk, but maybe you should tell him about his biological father even before then. Just don't let it hit him all at once at a fairly older age, or he may become very confused and distressed.

Answer 16

Be honest with your son and tell him the truth, he will respect you for it later. If you lie to him he will hate you for it later. Honesty is always the best policy

Answer 17

The subject will and should come up.  Start talking about it now.  Make it a natural part of his growing up.  Dad can say things like, I sure missed having these days with you.  I am so glad you came into my life.  When the boy is old enough to understand he will know it was a positive.

Answer 18

My little brother is actually my cousin. His "dad" is my uncle. My uncle got a girl preg. MY uncle has been in jail over 30 times. The girl, who we'll call Lisa, has been in jail 10 times or so. My uncle, Let's call him Jim, was in jail when my brother, let's call Tim, was born. That's when it all started.

Jim was abusive to Lisa, and Lisa was abusive back. They had very bloody fights, in front of Tim, sometimes Tim was included. Tim was shaked, thrown, hit, and squeezed by his birth parents all before he was a year old.

A few times it got so bad that some of the apartment neighbors called the police.

Around the time Tim was 11 months old, he had to stay with us because Lisa and Jim were getting in trouble A LOT with the police. He had no where to stay, and we were planning on only keeping him for about 3 weeks or so.

Today, he is 5 years old. He is still living with us. Tim doesn't have our last name yet, but we don't remember that and still love him. He even goes around saying his full name with our last name.

He doesn't think 'Daddy Jim' is his real father, since Jim doesn't act like one. He acts more like a regular person that Tim just had to visit. No real bond. Not like the bond he shows with my father.

Answer 19

I'd mention it as part of regular conversation when he's old enough to start to understand sentences and what family words (mom, dad, sister, brother) mean.  You don't need to get into anything about genes or birth certificates or anything.  Start out with something like "Daddy and I met when you were just a little baby.  Would you like to hear the story?"  He'll probably ask to hear it again a few times, as kids usually do with stories.  The "When we met daddy together" story will let him know as he grows that there was a time when his family was smaller and just included you, and it emphasizes that his daddy IS his daddy and loves him (and doesn't confuse him with talk of "another daddy").  He'll grow up aware that his dad came into his life after he was born and feeling fine about it, so there won't be any sudden shock or need for a stressful "daddy isn't your biological father" talk.  Once he starts learning about where babies come from, he'll conclude that on his own, and there will be more questions, but they'll just be a continuation of the learning that he's been doing all his life.

When I was in elementary school, my best friend moved into our school district from a neighboring one.  She had a mom and a dad and a younger brother and younger sister.  She was unique because she remembered her parents' wedding - she'd been the flower girl when she was four.  None of us kids thought anything of that, but a lot of the local moms recognized her mom as "that homecoming queen from the rival high school who got pregnant."  When moms gossip, it's only a matter of time before the kids hear... and only a matter of time before one of the less-tactful moms asks her child if so-and-so's dad is her real father... and only a matter of time before that child asks so-and-so if they know who their real father is.  That's not quite how my friend found out about her biological dad, though.  At the same time as the town moms were gossiping, her family had a picnic, and she was sitting down talking with her dad and her grandpa when someone brought up something that had happened some years before and her grandpa said to her dad, "Hmm... that must have been in June 1985, because I remember my fishing tournamet was in April 85, and you didn't meet Jamie [my friend's mom] until May 85."  My friend knew she was born in January 85, and even though she'd never had an official "s*x talk," all of us third graders knew enough of the very basics to understand that if your dad doesn't know your mom until after you're born, he's not your "real dad."  This revelation upset her, but she didn't go to her parents to talk about it.  Instead, she did why any kid would do - she went to her friends.  That's when she heard the stories all the local moms had been repeating, and that's when she also realized that her brother and sister were actually her half-brother and half-sister.  Her parents treated her a little like a live-in babysitter sometimes, and knowing that they'd been lying to her (by omission) really upset her.  She didn't tell them that she knew the secret, though.  I lost touch with her when we were 16, and at the time her parents still didn't know that she knew.  Now that I'm older, I feel really terrible about what happened and wish I'd have gone to an adult for advice, because that's definitely not the kind of news that any 8 year old should have to cope with alone and in secret and not something that they should have to carry with them quietly without ever revealing that they know it.

Moral of the story: If you don't commit to being the one to introduce this topic to your son, someone else might do it for you, and you might not like what they tell him (or when, or how).

Answer 20

Being that you son is so young you’ll probably have a few years before this question will even come up when it does all you can do is be honest with him. Tell him that another man helped create him but HIS Daddy is the man that has stepped up to the plate and been his father.

Answer 21

Answer his questions when HE asks them. Some parents like to explain things to their children for their (parents') own conscience, and the child may not even have thought to ask. Also, just answer the qustion asked. Usually a simple answer is all the child needs. He doesn't need all the details.  Above all, answer truthfully.

Answer 22

If you tell him when hes younger mabey about 4/5 its better because younger kids tend to not care if the father is biological or not, however he still may be a little upset. but he'll eventually get over it. And if he really loves your husban like a father it shouldnt matter if hes biological or not. just the fact that he raised him.

Answer 23

I was adopted by my mothers husband and he is on my birth certificate and wasn't told until I was an adult and I am happy they didn't tell me. My sister is my sister and my dad is my dad. I had no abandonment issues over my bio-dad not being around. I felt it was for the best. I think I would have dealt with a lot of hurts growing up knowing my bio-dad didn't want me and feeling an outside cause my sisters was my adopted dad's bio-child. I am happy they waited.

Answer 24

adoption is something ive been through ALOT and im only 16......and i would've killed to be in this situatuion. Let your husband "adopt" him. [The husband really loves him so let him be the father figure]. Don't tell the boy until he is old enough to understand. Trust me, its better that way. Good Luck.

Answer 25

You have several years before the topic should come up.  If the biological father is truly out of the picture for good, there should be no problem putting your husband on his birth certificate and having him adopt him.  Explain it when he's old enough to fully understand.  Be open about it, and be honest.  I'd wait until he is at least 5 or 6.  Possibly even older, so he's old enough to understand that while the father he knows is his father, there was another man who technically helped conceive him, who is no longer part of his life, and never has been.  Make sure your son knows that you and your husband both love him very much and the fact that he has a different bioligical father doesn't take the place of  his real father.