How do i get my 6 year old adopted daughter to pee in the woods and on the potty?

Question

me and my husband just adopted a 6 year old little girl stephanie. she was being raped by her dad and other family members and severly beaten by both her mom and dad. they neglected her. now she has troubles trusting other people. she hasnt said a word to my husband yet. and she will barley talk to me. we are going camping tomorrow and there will be no bathrooms around where we are camping. and i am trying to teach her to pee in the woods. i have tried teaching her in the woods of our backyard but she freaks out and thinks i am going to hurt her. she also gets scared to go to the potty even at out house. she holds it all day then she has an accident. when i try to help her clean up she cries and says "im sorry please dont hurt me im really sorry." i would never hurt her. i want to hepl her i want her to trust me. she is really excited about the camping trip so i dont want to just not go.

so basically i need help in getting her to pee in the woods and go to the potty?

and ideas on how to get her to trust me?

i will give 10 points to whoever can give me as much info as possible. please i really want her to feel safe here. thank you!!!!

Answer 1

I think you should put yourself in her shoes...she's 6, she's been neglected and molested and raped repeatedly...and you think that her fear will disappear overnight an she'll be ready to go camping and have fun? yikes.

I would suggest getting her into some counseling and doing some counseling as a family to better understand where she is coming from. Healing from the trauma she experienced is a LONG road and will not happen quickly. Please be understanding of that and go at HER pace, rather than trying to have her go at yours.  

Answer 2

You could try to get her one of those adult size potty chairs, so she can us it in the woods and in her room, until she can work her way up to the family restroom.

http://cgi.ebay.com/Bedside-Commode-Chai...

Answer 3

This may sound silly, but could you maybe bring a training potty chair?  It may be small, but she may be able to use that, without having to go into the woods.  It will be more work on you, since you will have to clean it up, but it may help her feel safe.  You could also use the potty in her room.  If you kept it in her room, may also help her feel safer about going to the bathroom whenever, and eventually she may graduate to using the regular bathroom.  

I know this will add to your work, but it may be worth it to help her feel safe and secure in her new house.  

Answer 4

Breaks my heart to hear about your little girl. Congratulations on your adoption. Glad to hear that you rescued her and are showing a good life. Like others have stated trust comes with time. That poor little girl had trusted the people who loved her and she was hurt.

Now that she is in a better situation maybe you can have a "signal" between the two of you. Like giving her a necklace or a charm bracelet (her picking out the charms will be special to her) that she can jingle when she is uncomfortable with any situation she is in. Then you can make a special effort to change the situation for the better by asking her what will make it better. Making good eye contact with her is also another way to help her gain trust in you. Whispering is often a fun game for kids and you can also use that for her to give you clues as to her needs.

I too was going to suggest a potty chair for her to use. ask her if she would feel comfortable using this potty instead of going in the woods. Let her pick put the one she like's if this is a good idea.

Hope some of my suggestions work for you. Its a very difficult situation and a lot of kindness, caring, and patience is what that little girl needs.

Just another thought. Children learn my example. SO if she see's you comfortable with using the bathroom in the woods in time she may feel comfortable to try it. Otherwise maybe you can hold up a sheet around her so that others don't see. Privacy is a big thing for that age.    

Answer 5

Im sorry but she does not sound ready.  I don't think this is something you can rush.  Allow her to do things at her own pace.  It should be about what she feels comfortable with.  Camping at this point in time does not sound like a good idea.

Good luck with everything.  

Answer 6

first of all you probably should not be sharing that much information about her over the internet. secondly, trust comes with time. when she cries and says don't hurt me stop what you are doing and look her in the face and tell her that no matter what you would never hurt her. after a while of hearing that she may start to realize that you would never hurt her. when she wets herself let her know that its okay and that you will help her clean up if she wants you to help. if she doesn't let her go into the bathroom and clean herself up. i know that sounds like a lot for a 6 year old but its the best thing you can do. after a while she will learn that if she doesn't want to have to clean herself everyday then she will have to go to the bathroom. when she figures this out then she will start going to the bathroom. at this point all you can do is be that for her. as for going camping the let her know what exactly you are doing and let her know all of the procedures of what is going to happen when things like that happen. and treat her with respect when they do. if you know its going to happen the be sure that you are prepared. i know that it seems hard to get though this but it will help.

Answer 7

Dear Becky,

Thank you for giving this little girl a chance.  I think you might be moving a little fast.  I know you want to love her and show her good times.  Moving too fast might set her up for failure and make her feel worse about herself.  If she messes herself, let her clean herself up.  I wouldn't touch her.  Verbally tell her where she needs to wipe and if for some reason she can't reach ask if she needs help.  I'm pretty sure a six year old is capable of cleaning herself up alone.  You can always put her in the tub too.  Please don't touch her.  Respect her boundaries.  I know you are trying to be helpful but as an incest survivor, i would feel victimized again.  You know someone bigger than me touching me again in a place where i didn't want them to.

Explain the difference between good touches and bad touches.  Assure her that you are will only give good touches with her permission.  For hugs and kisses ask for permission to give her some power back.  She should be in counseling and therapy.  Cancel the trip this year, she is not ready.

Best wishes.

Answer 8

give her her own safe space.

Tell her no one can enter her room unless she says so. And never break the rule. Let her have a potty in her room.

She is probably not ready to pee in the woods. I would cancel the trip.

Answer 9

Why take this camping trip now since you know it will be too traumatizing to the child?  You should cancel the trip and work on helping her to feel safe.  You will be adding to her fears by insisting on doing something that she obviously doesn't feel safe in doing.  She will also traumatized again if she has an accident--she'll feel badly about her self as a 6 year old wetting her pants.  I think this trip is too much too fast right now.  

If you MUST go, consider a camping at a park with BATHROOMS.

Answer 10

Have you tried to show her that life with you is different? I am guessing her life before was never fun or loving or caring. I think the best way to open her eyes to this would be to show her some fun. I know it sounds a little odd, but people, especially kids, are more open to new people or things when they are relaxed and doing something they enjoy. Maybe doing something fun with her for the day will break her walls down a little and give you the chance to show her you are not going to hurt her but actually love her. It will let you bond in a good way.

Answer 11

can you take along a portable potty or maybe one used to train kids, also maybe enclose an area so she wont feel exposed when she goes.Be sure you talk with her about everything that will happen on the camping trip and she understands. I have trained and certified adoptive and foster families and i know what a hard road you have to go down with this child and bless you for doing it, When my stepson was 5 and came to live with me he was terrified of spilling things,  became hysterical, crying and begging me not to spank him.i talked with him about how to clean up and got sponges and buckets where he could reach them and let him take responsibility for cleaning up himself, he didn"t even have to tell me. When he knew he was safe he rarely spilled anything. you are going to have to convince your

child she is safe and it will take time and patience

Answer 12

You state you have just adopted her and now you need to allow her to settle at home and find comfort there not to be dragged to the woods which in fact may be very scary indeed for her. To use the term 'potty' in relation to a six year old may indicate that there is a need for the  intervention of a professional as there is some guidance needed here in relation to child rearing. This is not a reflective of the love you feel for her although she needs to feel secure. If you want to go camping you will need to go where there are facilities for toileting and take her there on a regular basis on the pretext that you want to go and use this facility. Assist her and then give her some privacy but be right there so she feels protected at all times. It sounds you really want to do your best so this would be the best option. Reassurance, do not over react to her statements and have regular counselling sessions as therapy will assist her recovery. Take notes for her therapist so that she has an overview of what has been happening for the both of you. Have a support base in place for you and your husband as this is a very difficult time although in time it will become easier.  

Answer 13

Please accept that she doesn't feel safe now and that it will take a long time before she will learn to trust you and your husband. Six years of damage cannot be undone in a short period of time.

How much you want her to feel safe, it is not about what you want, but about what she can. To her you and your husband are pretty much strangers she now lives with. Having had no experience of trustworthy people you will have to earn it little by little.

For now it is most helpful to understand she trusts no-one and expects punishment for everything. So the best you can do is prove her wrong. Prove that you are not going to get angry when she wets herself and be prepared for it to happen.

There is not going to be a quick fix before the holidays.  

Answer 14

I'm sorry this sounds harsh, but you shouldn't be looking on Yahoo Answers for this.

I hope you are working with a family counselor and a psychiatrist with your daughter.

She is likely going to have long term issues from her abuse and you worrying about a camping trip seems extremely trivial and insensitive.  If you really care about her, forgo the camping trip and spend the time doing something that makes her feel comfortable rather than pushing her into a situation that makes her fearful.

Answer 15

I was also molested when i was a kid... So Listen up! You need to give her SPACE! She dont want to go peeing in the woods. Put her in pull ups... I know that she might be a little old but i know exactly how she feels. You're new to her and she doesnt trust you... Why should she? Talk  to her about it but if she says that she doesnt want you to help her THEN DONT! The girl have been traumatized & you're might be moving way to fast.... When i was a little  girl i had a hard enough time just hugging people because it felt sexual. Still to this day i have a hard to with being affectionate...  tell your daughter if she wont go in the woods then she'll have to wear pull ups  or bring a potty. she has been through such a horrible experience you need to let her decide what she wants to do.

EDIT:

Let her decide by

Option A. Potty

Option B. Pull ups

Option A&B. Potty and Pull ups

Option C. the woods

Option D. Dont go camping

Answer 16

I think it's a little soon for the camping trip you have planned. Since she's excited about it I don't think canceling it completely would be a good idea, but maybe it could be scaled back to spending some time at the park in more manageable amounts? That way she could still get to do the things she's excited about without the pressure of the scary things. I think she could handle a day trip of a few hours better than an overnight, and she could still get to experience being out in nature.

Other people have given you good advice about the rest and I won't repeat it, except to suggest that you make sure she is in long term psychological therapy-- that's really a must after what she's been through.

I wish you, her, and your entire family the best as you help her recover from this trauma.