How do i get my bipolar husband to cut me some slack in dealing with his disorder after my doc put me on meds?

Question

I've been married for 10 yrs to a great guy who has an unfortunate diagnosis with bipolar disorder. The ups and downs of life have forced me to become medicated as well due to all the issues, stresses, etc...As anyone knows bipolar is another term for self-absorbed at times. What is the best way to tell my husband that "time" is required for me to get my act together to once again deal with all the other stuff in life. First & foremost, I'm not dumping him, the marriage is good when the bipolar does not get in the way....for better or worse, sickness and in health, I wouldn't abandon him if he had cancer or diabetites, so anyone out there dealing with the same issues.....you understand that, but i need to regroup first in order to support my family. I've gone through a lot of medical issues and emotional issues lately and just need "one day" without issues. Any suggestions? and no I can't take a weekend get-a-way alone. I just need the right words without a t*t for tat. Please help!!!!

Answer 1

i can't say i understand what you are going through but i can only imagine. First of all i think you are a superstar for staying with your husband and being such a fab partner :) im sorry you are having your own issue but i do think that you should tell him as straight forward as possible...sometimes the same sentence can mean two different things depending on your tone. Just sit him down and tell him that you are feeling really down in the dumps and the doc has given you meds but you need to relax a little. Tell him you need a little time to absorb all this stuff and that you are glad he is around to support you. If you involve him as a supporter to your difficulties he wont feel like you are trying to pick a fight or point a finger....it's delicate but i hope you can find the strength and the right words to figure this out. I hope you get better soon and adapt to managing this situation. God bless :)

Answer 2

Well I've been diagnosed as bipolar and I'm sorry, but I'm hugely offended by the "self-absorbed" comment.  Really... if you have that a one of your thoughts, then no, you won't ever see eye to eye!

Being bipolar is really hard.  I know.  And I know having mental stresses and the like and having to deal with stuff is also hard... I had to deal with a bitchy roommate who pretty much treated me like c**p, long story, and I just couldn't take it anymore!  I was off medication for awhile and was fine and she pretty much put me back to where I was before... so it sucks!  I know both sides, trust me.

So... my recommendation is to just sit him down and tell him you understand that having such a mental disorder is hard, but you both have problems together, and the best way to deal is to understand each other as well.  Tell him simply what you said above, that you are here for him, but you can't do it all on your own and need your own time to deal with your own stuff.  If he still is "self absorbed" as you call him and can't get through to him, then maybe it could be time to see a counselor together and maybe they can help sort both of you out so you can deal with each other.  That's all I can think of to do... so good luck!

Answer 3

Does your husband not realize or know that you are on meds because of his disorder?  You may think that he knows because you told him once but it is time to sit down with hubby and your meds and the price of those meds and all of the other things that you use to deal with things.  Explain what you go through every day and night and ask him to see a doctor regarding his issues.  If this does not sink in, Make the Dr. appt yourself, you can let him think that you are going for your issues, and get him in to see the doctor, of course explaining to the doctor ahead of time what your plans are.  

Answer 4

You need counseling....so both of you can understand what the other is going through.  Mostly..you have to tell him that you have to take care of yourself as no one else is going to do that!

You have to understand that bipolar people have their good and bad days and they don't choose them.  The disease does.  And it is like having an alcoholic in the house....all the attention goes to them and their care and the worries that go with it.  I have a cousin who is bi polar and I know what my Aunt goes through when he thinks he doesn't need medication and fights not to take it.  I also work with a woman who is bi polar...and her bad days are really bad!  Her good days range from ok to very high energetic days.  Some bi polars have a hard time getting medication regulated if they aren't made to take it all the time on schedule.  

You have to be strong to deal with this and let me add here....I admire your strength and committment and your love.  YOU DO KNOW what love is...and you understand what it takes to make a relationship work.  Most people run from this stuff...you can tell by the divorce rate that people only want the good times and to h**l with their partner if a little work is involved.  YOU MY DEAR ARE A HERO....and you are to be respected and admired.   God Bless you.

with that said...let me add...you are going to have to get him on a GOOD day and do for you on THAT day.  YOU do need to have time to yourself...but a whole day is going to be hard.

I have a son that has been handicapped all his life.  He was in a car accident and was in a coma for 10 weeks and spent 10 years in and out of hospitals and then had to have a leg amputated 20 years later.  So  I KNOW what caregiving is.  Let me give you some advice that has helped me.

Try doing something on a regular basis for yourself.  Say 2 hours...reading or doing what you want...walking or sitting outside with the birds or scrapbooking or something.  

Make it a regular part of your schedule so you realize you are important too.  If you can't do it at that time...do it as soon as you can....do not deny yourself time.  IT IS OK TO BE SELFISH!  YOU NEED TO BE SELFISH when you are a caregiver and your life is basically last on the list.  (and yours is!)

Take a lot of stress vitamins.  Such as Stresstabs or complex Vitamin B tabs.  Make sure they are the strongest ones you can take.  Stress eats away at Vitamin B...and that is one vitamin you need to maintain healthy emotional support.  When Kevin was in a coma they were giving me B12 shots...and believe me it helped.  Now I take the complex vitamin B capsules.

Get someone else to help.  If you can get a family member to help come help you clean house or something you need done...DO IT.   You cannot be responsible for everything and sometimes pampering yourself to a once a month maid is good!    It isn't a luxury..it is a necessity to get some more time to yourself.

When you are stressed out ...leave. Take a long walk...just say I need to take a walk and go.  Don't argue or talk about it...just go.  That is a form of excercise that gets your endorphins going and helps you to refocus and relax and get your head back on straight.  You can start out walking fast until you calm down and then walk slower and enjoy the rest of the walk.

Go out and do yardwork.  He won't follow you out there ...and you can have some peace and get some work done and be alone.  Take your headsets.

Listen...there are wonderful relaxation tapes out there.  Get some...and listen to them.  They do work!

Finding right words for someone with bi polar is difficult.  

My first suggestion is counseling..and I am sure he is going.  You should talk to his therapist or shrink and tell them how you are doing and let them bring you in with him and you two talk it out.  It is a family problem..not just his ...you should not be left out of this and felt to be left alone in dealing with it.  Get some help.  There are also support groups for families dealing with members with this disease...as the doctor about where they are.  They can help you more than anyone.

Good luck...I am praying for you.  and BE SELFISH!...it is OK!

Susanna

Answer 5

Well, make sure you both keep with your medication and stay connected to your Psychiatrist. If either one of you got these medications from a doctor or family physician, you need to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist. Doctors do not specialize in mental disorders, and often just write out scripts based on their own ideas rather than facts. I have found that many people are over medicated or have been diagnosed wrong.

Anyway, I think you should discuss your feelings with him if you haven't already. You also should make an appointment for Couples Therapy or Family Counseling. It should help you two talk about your emotions and the stress you are both under. Mental issues cause lots of wear and tear on relationships and maintaining those relationships. Obviously, you two know a lot about each other and do love each other very much. This is just another obstacle you two must deal with.  You both must stay positive and supportive during this time. Even if it is hard.

Good luck and best wishes to you both!

Answer 6

I don't think I have an answe for you, but I can totally relate.  My husband has been in the hospital for over a month.  I, for the past weeks feel much rested.  Can you just tell him your going shopping for the day with friends?  If he's worried about you spending money say your only window shopping and spending time with friends.  Anytime you want to talk you can e-mail me at southernvixin00@ yahoo.com

My husband is due to come home this weekend, he's not bi-polar but is shizophrinic.  I feel I may have to have myself medicated also for the same reasons you are.

God bless you and good luck,

Sharlyn