How do i get my birthmother to back off?

Question

How do i tell her to back off cause i am not ready she doesn't accept that i am not ready and that i am happy with the family i have now and my parents are my parents. She tells me shes my mom and gets hurt when i refer to my parents as mom & dad. I have told her to back off i have blocker her from myspace i ignore her on yahoo messenger and i have never called her i didn't invite her to my wedding and she still doesn't get the clue i am not looking for a relationship. I am pregnant and under no circumstances i want this woman to be involved with my daughter, She was 16 when she had me but she has alot of learning disabilities i she isn't all there. She wants me to give up on my adopted family and she has said on more than one occasion shes the only family i need. I was the only child she had but why should she hold me responsible for that and she think i should be there for her when i am not comforterable with her at all i don't even like iming w her.I have never talked to her on the phone i think doing that now will just put fuel on the fire.She found me via myspace and i have no intention of looking for her after my sister has seen what she has put me through she doesn't want to find her birth family. My husband has told her too back off and she blames everyone trying to keep me away from her when its my decision.I am in Florida and shes in california.I have always known that i was adopted and they said if i ever wanted to find her they would help me. She asks me how much time do i need she doesnt get a clue. Help

Answer 1

Well, you have expressed it very well, but you have said she has learning disabilities, so cut her a bit of a break.

State it simply and clearly that "at this time I am not prepared to have an active relationship with you" and leave it at that.  That way, you can leave her with some hope for the future that is unspecified, but you will have stated it absoutely clearly.  Then stick to your guns, of course!

Later, you might feel a bit different, and if so, you can always open the door.  No need to be nasty of course.  Just say no.

Answer 2

Your birth mother has serious issues and needs to seek professional help imo.  I would just cut her from your life until she gets the help she clearly needs. And that she understands that your parents are the ones who raised you and that they are your family and always will be.

As others have said she is clearly in pain but it is not your job to fix that pain for her she need to again seek professional help.

I would cease all contact with her block her IM name from your list. In fact you might considered making a whole new one then it would bhe harder for her to just created a new IM name and try and get through that way.  I would not call her via phone  this would just fuel the fire, if anything you can send her a letter but don’t have your home address on the envelope

Answer 3

Honestly idk what to tell you if you've already told her to back off and she wont. the only thing you can really do is just tell her that to you she's not your mother and never will be she is just a stranger irritating you. The only thing you really can do is just keep telling her that she means nothing to you. You didn't mean enough to her for her to keep you then. Where has she been your whole life, she could have emailed you then. Good luck

Answer 4

Wow, the level of compassion from the responses for a woman who is clearly in pain is so underwhelming!  As a mother of loss, I am appalled at the lack of empathy.  If you are offering this advice, I can imagine this is how you treat your own mothers.  It is shocking that you have less consideration for the woman who gave you life than you would for a complete stranger.

Why should she do what outsiders tell her to do?  Reunion only involves the principle parties to the event, the mother and her lost child.  It affects other people but it is outside of their control.  

I have been in reunion with my own son for the past 18 years.  I also received the phone calls from the a-mother ( who would have preferred it if I had had the good grace to die in childbirth), the a-sister (also adopted and fearful of the relationship my son would have with his brothers and other sister, all blood related), his wife (who saw me as the "other woman") and the others who were in my son's life, but did not necessarily have his best interest in mind.  When each of them called me and threatened me I quietly told them that if my son doesn't want me in his life, the simple solution is to tell me himself.  Don't send messengers who are threatened by the fact that I draw air.  All he has to do is say the words himself and I would go away forever and he would never hear from me again.  He never did.

Since you are the only child that this woman ever gave birth to, her loss of you is profound .  It would seem that a phone call would not be too much  for her to expect from you.  That is a courtesy that you would offer a stranger; why not to the woman who gave birth to you?  You said yourself that you have never talked to her.  Why not?  Do you think that she can hurt you over the phone?  What can she do to you from the other side of the country?  What are you so afraid of?

If you are an adult pregnant with your own child, surely you are adult enough to talk on the telephone.  If you are sure that it is, as you say, your decision, then you should have enough courage of your convictions to deliver this message yourself.

Sandy Young

Senior Mother

SMAAC

Answer 5

I understand and you have every right not to want her in your life of the life of your child. I to am adopted and when my birth giver came around I saw her once and told  her to never contact me again. Thank God she hasn't. You owe her nothing. Tell her if she does not back off then you will have to get the law involve and have a restraining order put out on her.

There is no reason that she should continue to bother you after you have told her to leave you alone. Good luck. God bless

Answer 6

Write her a letter and just tell her you are not ready. Try the 'its not you it's me" thing!

Answer 7

If she is harassing you and you have evidence to prove this, then take out a restraining order. But they won't let you do that unless you have told her to stop trying to contact you. Expecting people to "have a clue" is just expecting them to be able to read your mind, clearly not sufficient grounds for legal action.

The romantic notion that birth parents and their children will develop wonderful relationships is often fulfilled. Unfortunately, any relationship takes work, and just because you are related to someone does not mean you will have the chemistry for a relationship. Of course, since you've decided to keep this on a passive-aggressive adversarial basis, it is going to be rather self-fulfilling.

Answer 8

Unfortunately, it sounds like you're going to have to actually sit down on the phone (or even in person?) with the woman and outline it for her. Make sure she understands that you don't want her in your life. Make sure she knows it's YOUR decision. It sounds like you've done this multiple times already, but over the internet and such. I think she needs to hear YOU say it.

And if necessary, tell her you will file for a restraining order or even get the police involved if this continues.

She gave up her parental rights. She doesn't get to harass you, especially if you aren't ready.

Good luck!

Answer 9

sorry to hear your birth mother is being overbearing.  she's feeling a lot of guilt for having given you up for adoption and is trying to make amends for her decisions.  you seem like you are well-adjusted and know who you are and where you have come from.  that's lucky for you since a lot of adoptees don't know their birth parents.

you should take one phone call from her and explain to her everything that you have said here.  you need to be firm with her.  

Answer 10

Being cruel to a woman who has "learning disabilities".  

You sound like a compassionate person.

Answer 11

It's sad that you don't have much compassion for the woman that gave you life.

No - not all reunions work. But you haven't even given her a chance - and I'm pretty sure you know NOTHING about what it was like for her to give you away - perhaps her family forced her into that - against her wishes - have you asked her about the circumstances??

I'm hoping you'll understand more when you have this child.

That's what changed everything for me.

Hold your new baby in your arms - close your eyes - and imagine that you have to give him/her away - and never be allowed to know about him/her - never see him/her again.

I'm not saying that you HAVE to have contact if you don't want to - that's ultimately your choice.

But your question shows very little sympathy for the mother that carried you for 9 months.

And I find that very very sad.

Answer 12

If she has something wrong mentally, that is probably why she is not letting up, she's just not getting it.  I would say the only thing to do is to just keep ignoring her and keep her out of your life as much as you can by not making contact, etc.  She doesn't have to be involved in your daughter's life if you don't want tat.  It can't be that hard since she is not living close to you.  She just uses the computer and such to try to contact you and all you have to do is delete/block her messages.  

Answer 13

How did she find you?

You are simply going to have to stop interfacing with her. Do not take her calls or respond to her in any way. If she disturbs you at your home you may have to get a restraining order but it sounds as if all you have to do is to stop opening her emails.