How do i get over my jealousy?

Question

Im 19 and and have been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. i love him and he loves me. but the problem is that i have had lots of put downs in my life, especially from my ex best friend and my ex boyfriend.

I used to fall for the wrong type of men that used me, which made me feel unwatnted. Then my ex being my first boyfriend treated me nice at first then he made me feel worthless and ugly. he constantly compared me to his ex, finally admitting he was still inlove with her.

now that im finally with someone that treats me right and always makes me feel special i cant help but always feel insecure within the relaionship. Constantly worrying he'll leave me. Im also very jealous and get insecure if he looks at other women. but im especially jealous about his ex, im always looking for evidence of her and if i find any i go mad at him, and in a way punish him for even being with her in the first place. I even found a picture of them together and i constantly compare myself to her, as she has big b*****s and i dont which is something im already insecure about.

This as a result is pushing us apart and driving a wedge between us. because im constantly torturing myself thinking about my boyfriends past (as he told me alot about his relationship with his ex when we were first dating). Im very unhappy because i love him so much and when i start thinking about his past i get so jealous that im starting to dispise him for it. i have been to the doctor about this and am currently about to under go councelling. but in the meantime i wanted some advice for how to make me feel better about myself and less threatened by my boyfriends past. please help its ruining us.

Answer 1

you need to believe in yourself and trust him! i had to deal with my boyfriends ex, but i realised even though he saw alot of her and mentioned her alot he was with me for a reaason.

he has got to like you, otherwise he wouldnt be with you.

you seem a great girl now believe in yourself!!!!!

Answer 2

It will take you a while to realize how special you are. Continually strive to be the best person you can be and be proud of your quest. You will encounter disappointments and even crisis. Non that you can't handle. They will provide a background for you to experience your self improvement. Stay that course and what ever happens in your relationships will be secondary to who you become.

Answer 3

Sorry to say it is not your boyfriends past that is ruining you but your reactions to it. That says more about you than him. There is no point trying to compare yourself with his ex. Not least because you seem to be comparing physical attributes.

Let me share with you a snippet of conversation I had with my sister about 35/40 years ago.

She asked me why I always dated 'ugly' men. Actually they weren't 'ugly' just not drop dead gorgeous.

My response then is the same as it would be now, personality counts more than looks. Looks fade over time, personality stays.

You need to work out why you feel threatened. We all have a past and nothing we can do will change that.

Ultimately, your boyfriend's past is not ruining your relationship, but your reaction to it is.  

Answer 4

u no, in a comfortable relationship your guy should feel okay checking out another girl in front of you, and even tell u that he thinks the other girl's hot. by then, both of u no that ur relationship is past physical appearances

Answer 5

First, you DO need counseling. You need to somehow get your self esteem higher.

Ok Second, you should believe your boyfriend unless proved otherwise. You don't realize this but you're basically allowing someone who doesn't even remotely affect you to really affect you and your relationship. Why do you allow yourself to be tortured by this girl? She is only part of his past.. And she will forever stay there, unless you torture your boyfriend about it. You're pushing him away because of your many insecurities and that's very unfair to him. It's not right. Why risk your relationship over someone who doesn't matter? I am telling you this because I went through it and it really wasn't worth it at all. AT ALL. Treat your man right because above it all he is YOUR man not hers. But if you keep treating him like that you might drive him somewhere else or even back to her or anyone. It's not worth it. Make yourself a promise to trust him until proven otherwise because if you do this to him you're going to do it to your next boyfriend and the one after that. If he wanted her, he'd still be with her. What's meant to be will always find it's way. And they're not meant to be.

Answer 6

You're really on a downward spiral which you need some positive action to get out of!!

FIRSTLY - STOP comparing yourself to her!  Easier said than done, I know.  In reality, when you find yourself thinking like this, say 'STOP' out loud and then start to tell youself that you are lovelier than his ex, because he is with you and not her.  It sounds silly, but the more you practise this type of 'affirmation', the more you will start to believe it.

SECONDLY - STOP looking for 'evidence'....because if you keep looking, you will find things that you will turn into evidence, even if they are totally innocent.  By looking in the first place, you are fueling the thoughts of inadequacy!  So again, you have to mentally tell yourself to STOP looking!!

I wish you luck and hope these things go some way to helping you.  There are lots of books out there to help with this type of thing, but at the moment you need something to start you off!!

Keep picturing a future with your man and enjoy being with him.  x*x