How do i say this politely?

Question

My best friend has a baby girl just a few months younger than my son and we have almost completly different parenting views. There is only one that really bothers me and i dont know how to tell her that she is wrong...

her daughter will be one in a few weeks and has never worn sunscreen, she is very fair skined (my friend has freckles so i dont doubt her daughter will too)

every time i ask if she wants to barrow my sunscreen if we are going somewhere she just says "no she wont burn, she'll be fine"

i understand that we didnt ever wear sunscreen as kids but we wernt babies and the ozone was not as bad... plus we didnt know as much as we do now

what do i do... i dont want to be mean, but i want her daughter to be safe.

Answer 1

All you can politely do is what you are doing.  Have you ever seen her burn?  If not, she probably won't burn.

Answer 2

Just ask her if she minds if you put the sunscreen on her daughter.

You may also want to remind her that sun exposure is one of the leading causes of skin cancer. And while the child is to young to make her own decisions, she should have a right to chose if she wants skin cancer in the future.  

Answer 3

Just say " Are you sure you don't want to put sun block on her, she is very fare and it is sunny out today " and if she says no then just don't say anything about it.

Answer 4

its hard to tell someone this, but maybe you should just try to leave it alone. some people just have to learn and really its not like she neglecting her child...she may just not like sunscreen.  i would insist if you were going to the beach or something, but in everyday stuff let it be...besides, some sunscreen contain so many chemicals its worse than letting the sun get to you....

Answer 5

Just keep asking nicely.  Don't over step your boundary as a parent.  Your opportunity will come when you will be able to tell her something.  As for right now just keep asking, no harm in that.  

Answer 6

maybe she feels embarrassed to have to borrow yours and its not a priority for her to remember to buy some......maybe her parents were never sunsmart either.....

Maybe for her daughter's birthday you can buy some children's sunscreen with a lovely sun hat, bucket, spade and beach towel.........

As her daughter gets older, she'll want some too when she sees your son get all smothered in sunscreen, so that might help too!

Answer 7

She is the parent of her daughter not you. You need to let her take care of HER child because whether you think so or not she is doing what she thinks is best. I know MANY parents who do not use sunscreen and I am one of them... They can be allergic to it and worse things can go wrong than a sunscreen and yes I have known a lot of babies to be allergic to sunscreen.

Answer 8

I'm a cancer researcher, and I have been doing this for the past 8 years.  Allowing your child to be in the sun without protection is NO different than allowing someone to blow smoke in your child's face.  Both cause cancer.  Melanoma is by no means "gentler" than lung cancer.  It never fails to amaze me how many women throw a fit when their child is around second hand smoke....but they are ignorant about the dangers of UV rays.  Alas, if only melanoma got the same media coverage as lung cancer!

I am not sure there is much you can do.  This poor ignorant woman will take offense to your suggestion.  It's unfortunate, as the child will suffer.  Sunburns suffered before the age of 18 are the most critical when it comes to developing melanoma.

*edit*  I can see there is some misinformation on here.  Just because a person does not get a sunburn does NOT mean that there is no damage to the skin cells.  There is no such thing as a "safe" amount of sun.  A person can get damage even if it's cloudy, and even if they are in the shade.

Answer 9

I'm not a cancer researcher and I know that every child needs sunscreen on when being outdoors regardless of their skin tone. It doesn't matter if they don't burn the sun is still beaming on them. My son goes to preschool where the require that you put sunscreen on your child before they get to school b/c they are outside in the morning. You are not wrong, and I am not sure how you tell your friend without hinting to her that it is probably best to wear the sunscreen. Maybe you should tell her a story about how children get skin cancer or how sun exposure is harmful.

Answer 10

You dont say it. If she doesnt want her child to wear sunscreen its her choice. Not everything has to be done a specific way. If she is comfortable not putting sunscreen on her child let it be.  

Answer 11

Ugh!  I've been in that sort of situation before.  I've gotten through to ignorant moms (good friends) by starting things off with something like this:

"You know I love you, right?  I'm only telling you this because I care, and I would hope that you would feel comfortable enough to tell me if you think I am not handling something correctly."  Then explain the sunscreen thing.  Then tell her that if she feels that she needs info to back you up, tell her to do some research on the internet or to discuss it with her child's pediatrician or her own doctor.  Also, when explaining to her that she should use sunscreen, be sure to not start with "you don't use sunscreen" (emphasis on not using the word "YOU",because that promotes a defensive response).  Start with "I would put sunscreen" or something like that.  "I would double check this with your pediatrician", "I would think . . . "

Speaking in the most non-offensive tone and not sounding critical is the key to getting her to rethink her behavior AND keeping the friendship.

Another alternative would be to offer to take both your kids to the ladies room or portapotty and doing it yourself!!!

Answer 12

There is no way to say this politely.

The fact is that there are quite a number of people who do not use sunscreen on their kids.  They worry about the chemicals in the sunscreen, their kids have had a reaction to sunscreen, there are even people who believe that sunscreen causes skin cancer.

So, unless you are willing to have your friend tell you what she thinks you are doing wrong, let it be up to her.

All the best.

Answer 13

How can you say she's wrong? It's her child, and as long as the child isn't getting a sun burn, let her mother parent her the way she wants.

It's not like she's not feeding the child, or making her wear a dirty diaper. Those would be wrong.

How would you like your friend to criticize every thing you did "wrong" with your kids?

Answer 14

You can always let her know you want her daughter to be safe, just like you said... i have "sun spots" on my arms, and i'm sure i'll have to have a doctor look at them someday soon.  They are from the sun and can turn to cancer -- years of no sunscreen and tanning.

I think that, if you let your friend know you're just concerned, you've said enough.  If she doesn't want to use the sunscreen, i suppose you can't force her.  I just hope the little girl doesn't get burned.  take care.

Answer 15

Does your friend keep her daughter out of the sun?  Where are you playing.  I would politely remind your friend that it's a different world and the sun is stronger than it was when we were kids.  Remind her that it certainly can't hurt to slap a little on.  

Also, has her daughter ever gotten sunburned?  If her little girl isn't out in the sun for too long or is staying in the shade, then maybe it's not an issue.

If your friend doesn't seem responsive, you should remind yourself that while you may strongly believe she is wrong, it's her right to parent as she sees fit as long as she is not causing direct and immediate harm to her daughter.

Answer 16

Clearly she doesn't have anyone in her family who's had skin cancer.  Actually, the ozone layer was a lot worse back in the 80s/early 90s when I was growing up, than it is today... but I still wouldn't take a kid outside without sunscreen, just because, as you said, we know a lot more nowadays.

Unfortunately, unless you plan to put it on her yourself, you're going to have to convince the mother.  There may not be a polite way to do that.

Answer 17

Unfortunately its her daughter and if she doesnt want to put sunscreen on her she wont ... Its sooo sad because if her daughter is fair it could really be bad for her!!

Your a good mother and a good friend from what I can tell but realize that if you tell her something you may offend her or she may tell you to butt out or something that will strain your friendship ...

Keep offering her sunscreen but if you dont want to loose her as a friend dont talk to her about it ... plus you may end up not friends and she still wont put sunscreen on her daughter and your efforts would be worthless ...

Good luck!  

Answer 18

Tell her you love her and her daughter and that you would feel so much better if her daughter has sunscreen on what would it hurt and that you will put it on her for her.  

Answer 19

Casually slip a paper explaining the dangers of sun and skin cancer on her coffee table!

Answer 20

If she is that good of a friend, I would just start slabbing the sunscreen on her daughter while saying "I am sure you are right about her not burning, but her skin is so fair that it would break my heart if it did"!  OR....  You know, I was talking to my pediatrician and he/she went on and on about the importance of using sunscreen.