How do i tell my birthmother to back off?

Question

How do i tell her to back off cause i am not ready she doesn't accept that i am not ready and that i am happy with the family i have now and my parents are my parents. She tells me shes my mom and gets hurt when i refer to my parents as mom & dad. I have told her to back off i have blocker her from myspace i ignore her on yahoo messenger and i have never called her i didn't invite her to my wedding and she still doesn't get the clue i am not looking for a relationship. I was the only child she had but why should she hold me responsible for that and she think i should be there for her when i am not comforterable with her at all i don't even like iming w her. My husband has told her too back off and she blames everyone trying to keep me away from her when its my decision. She asks me how much time do i need she doesnt get a clue. Help

Answer 1

A MOTHER'S LOVE IS POWERFUL.......  SO BE NICE!

Answer 2

maybe you should be more understanding. She may have adopted u off when she was younger, but she may be regretting it now. You dont have to disown your parents, even if u do talk to her.

Answer 3

I have to say I understand your situation.  I searched in my 20's because I wanted to start a family and mom thought I should search.  I really had no desire or want but in a way I did it for my mom, so I did not go into a reunion with open arms.  I did find my BirthM (I really do not even like to say birth mom, I do not like giving her the title of mom).  Our reunion was iffy at best.  I felt she came in full force and suddenly wanted to be my mom and push my parents aside.  I had a real big issue when she would say "this is my daughter", no I was not her daughter, I was an offspring, but she did not have the right to pretend I was her daughter and she my mother.  Plus we are too very different people and we had little common ground.

Long story short, I eventually just came out and told her that she is not my mom, that I have parents, but I was willing to open up my heart to be her friend.  She could either have a friendship or nothing at all.  We are slowly working on a friendship.  All I can say is instead of having others talk to her you talk to her directly and if she still does not "get it" then cut her off.  You have your own family to worry about, you do not need that drama.

PS.  I just read Indep. Post and I love how people who are not in the situation answer.  My parents were nothing but nice about my BirthPeople (what I call them, my parents called them my birth mom and dad).  I knew of my adoption, but my parents let me own my own story, they let me find myself and who I was.  Get a grib and realize that some adoptee's do not want reunions, some adoptee's have horrible birth families, and some adoptees and proud of who they are and want it to stay that way.

Answer 4

i dont think a mother will ever let go

Answer 5

I also believe a letter might be the way to go, keep it simple if that is what your birth mother will understand better BUT make it detailed enough for her to understand your real feelings.

Take several days, write bits and leave it then come back and re-read it until its right. You want to be sure that what you are saying is clear and not overly hurtful. She has a right to her feelings just as you have a right to yours.

Explain how you are grateful to her for your life and the opportunities you gained when she gave you up for adoption but also tell her clearly that you see no future spot for her in your life.

Make it obvious that you are happy and would change nothing in your present life.

At least this way she can read your letter and understand why you don't want her in your life and its something she can revisit when she needs to.

Offer to write to her once a year and include photo's but make it clear that is as much commitment as you are willing to offer.

At the end explain that you will not take her calls/emails etc and that continuing to try to see you is harassment.

Good luck

Answer 6

Well, I don't know her reasons for giving you up for adoption, but I have to respect her decision to do this.  She is going to have to face reality in knowing you want nothing to do with her.  Get her on the phone...YOU, not anyone else, and tell her that you really appreciate her efforts in trying to develop a relationship with you, but you have decided it is not something that you want, and that you EVER want.  Tell her that you don't hold anything against her, but you have a life, with parents that you love.  Ask her if she has anything else to say, listen to it and tell her goodbye.  If she contacts you again, tell her you are considering this harassment and you will contact the police if she doesn't leave you alone.  Good luck.

Answer 7

tell her in no certain terms that you are sick of her attitude and that you are done with her antics and that you want no part of her peiod you tell her this and tell her to leave you alone you can put a thing on her through the court and she can't bug you if you so choose.(restraining order)

Answer 8

i would say the best thing is to talk to her about it. dont ignore her because that is unclear. tell her how you feel in a sensitive, yet strong tone.

Answer 9

I am so sorry your birthmother can not respect your wishes.  I’m not sure what you can do other then block her from an instant messaging you have. I agree calling her would just encourage her more; the best thing would be to send her one last message and then ignore her completely.  Don’t even respond to her.

You may need to be bluntly honest with her.  ÃƒÂ¢Ã‚€ÂœDebbie I thank you for giving me life. That said I do not desire any kind of relationship with you. I have a family that I love very much and as hard as it may be on you I do not consider you family or my mom.  I hope you can work through your problems. If I ever feel the need to have a relationship with you I will contact you. Good Luck and goodbye.”

Even if you wanted a relationship with her I am sure you would want her to respect the boundaries and to respect the relationship you have with your family. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about not wanting a relationship with your birthmother. That is a personnel choice.  Don’t let her (or anyone else) guilt trip you either it is not your job to make things right for her.

Answer 10

I have to disagree with a few of you. A mother or "mom" is someone who watches you while you sleep, holds you when you are sick and puts your life in front of hers (just to name a few things).

It is your right to tell her to back off and in all situations parents need to put the childs feelings above their own. She should respect your feelings and your privacy.

Answer 11

You don't have to have a relationship with her, but telling her doesn't seem to be working. Are you sure she is your birth mom? She sounds a little obsessive but she has had many years to hope and dream of finding you. She needs counseling,so nothing you say is going to get through to her. Just be firm, it will be hard on her but she needs to know you are not ready to have a relationship. My birthdaughter set the rules of our relationship, sure it hurt that I am not her mom and she won't call me mom and her kids don't call me grandma but I expected that. Your bmom is living in a fantasy world. Be firm.  When she asks, tell her when you are ready you will contact her, suggest counseling.

Answer 12

What's up with so many laying a guilt trip on this poster?  SHE didn't ask to be adopted.  Yeah, the bmom gave her life.  So now what, she OWES this woman her life in return?  Nobody, including and probably ESPECIALLY adoptees should have to wear such a high price tag as that.

Give this poster a break.

But, on to your question.  I realize that it's putting your life out there for the public to see, but what about posting something on myspace about not being ready.  If she has friends or family looking you up on there, they could read that and maybe talk some sense into her.  Other than that, send her a letter (with no return address) letting her know AGAIN that you are not ready and if she contacts you again, you will file a restraining order against her.  Let her know that if that time comes when you are ready, YOU will contact HER.  Then, change your phone numbers and other ways of contact that she has learned.

Although her pain is understandable, she sounds unstable.  Be very cautious, whatever you decide to do.  

But, DON'T feel quilty for feeling the way you do.  YOU didn't choose the way you started your life.  And, don't pay attention to the people blaming your AP's eiher.  They may, or may not have contributed to your view on this, but it's just jumping to conclusions that they have.

Answer 13

she's your mom.. you're lucky you know where she is and who she is.

Answer 14

It sounds like she has a lot of pain, guilt, and loss from giving you up.  It is pretty natural, but certainly not up to you to "fix" for her.

Try to get her to get counseling.  She needs to see a therapist.  Her issues with boundaries sound like a reflection of something much deeper...something that you can't or shouldn't be expected to shoulder the burden of.

It may sound cruel but if she can't accept your boundaries then you may have to change your number, make your myspace page private, do what you can to protect YOUR privacy.  But please do realize that she is hurting, you say you are pregnant, so try to imagine losing YOUR baby...it would be very traumatic.

She needs to deal with HER trauma and with a PROFESSIONAL...not through you though.

I hope she is able to get the help she needs.   Maybe in time, with healing, the two of you will be able to come together under MUTUAL terms...something you BOTH agree to.

Good luck.

Answer 15

just come out with it...but not agresivly...if she continues you can call the police...just because she is you birthmother does mean she definet family

Answer 16

She is your mother and ofcourse she loves you. But you need to sit her down and talk to her. You have to be strict and tell her that she needs to back off. Tell her you need her to give you some space. You should tell her that she needs to stop. I mean she decided to give you up for adoption and now she expects you to just pretend like she has been there, and nothing happend.

You are expecting, and I think its best for you not to take much tension about this matter. Just sit her down and tell her to ease off.

she is your mother and I understand she loves you, but I think she should get the hint by now that you dont want anything to do with her.

I hope everything goes well with you and you mother.

Good luck with your baby.

Answer 17

This is a tough one, especially when it looks like (from what you're saying) there's some attempts at manipulation going on here. Just as APs shouldn't attack the first parents, the reverse also applies.  More to the point, it's upsetting to you and (naturally!) puts you on the defensive.  

My best advice would be to handle this like you would anyone else with poor boundaries.  Be clear and direct about what you want and what you expect.  If you don't feel you are ready for a relationship with her yet, tell her this and tell her that you will contact her when you are ready.  I'm not saying to be cruel, just forthcoming.  But this needs to come from you and in no uncertain terms.  

Best of luck to you!

Answer 18

well she let you go because she loves you.

its like...you remember the boy in highschool that you really liked? you would say things but then always think you said too much? it was just because you really liked him and were trying to be apart of his life. you dont have to love her like you do your adopted mother,,,,but show a little compassion for the women who  didnt kill you in the womb and who showed enough responsibility to give you to the family who loves you so much right now.

Answer 19

I could not agree with you more my family has always been supportive of me and my brother both find our birth parents and I have no intrest at all! I fmy birth mother walked in to the room right now I would think her for giving me to such a great family , and tell her that I was very happy and not missing a thing. Hopefully she could accept that because I would not want a relationship, I had a wonderful mother( she past away in sept.) and do not need another one.  She gave me up for adoption for her reasons and she can not decide now that she wants me in her life, and it sounds that is how you feel. I would write a one time letter telling her that. That is not against her personaly, but you have a great family and you are not responsable to make her life whole.

Answer 20

Its sounds like both of you have some unresolved feelings.

You should just tell her your not ready but at the same time you need to look how your a-parents contributed to this by keeping you isolated from her for so many years. They are partly to blame for your mixed emotions.  Your mother may not have been given the choice to keep you or continue to be involved in your life.

This is another example of why Ap's shouldn't keep a-children isolated from their mothers and why parents shouldn't force their children to place their children.

You should have watched America Got Talent tonight. There was a beautiful story about a girl reconnecting with her nmother via Myspace. I was so touched by how much they bonded so quickly and how they are mother and daughter again.  I'm sure this is putting the fear in some Ap's that want to keep their a-children away from their mothers.

ETA:  Thats what they all say but many do not mean it. Who wants to look like the bad guy.

Answer 21

It is entirely your decision and in now way let her guilt you.

Yeah she is your blood mother, but the people who raised you are more of a mother than she ever was.

If you've told her how you feel then there's nothing much you can do but ignore her.

I've ALWAYS thought, if my now mother told me I was adopted, i'd not find my real mother. It's not blood that connects you to someone, it's being around them so much and having them raise you. Even if my mum isn't my real mum, i'd still love her.

When she started looking for you, she should have realised that it could have ended badly.

Good luck with your pregnancy. Don't stress, you don't need it.

Answer 22

If you know where she lives, send her a book, talking about your life, where your at, maybe some photos, and what you want to do in the future. Include a letter stating that you know how devistating it must be for her, but it is also very hard for you to be torn between people all the time and have to be caught up with it all. Say that you may at some point want to meet her, but you cannot promise anything as you are just not ready right now in your life and you hope that she accepts that and leaves you alone for the moment.

I just think ringing her or messaging her is too hard, she could talk you around or insist on ringing back. At least in a letter you can say clearly that you do not want her to contact you until you are ready and that might be a long wait and that you are sorry.

I kind of know how this feels although I'm not exactly in this situation. My birth mother is mentally ill and my birth family and adoptive family are preventing me from seeing her as they think I won't be able to cope with her yet. She writes me letters though, pleeding with me to meet her, and the other members of the family keep visiting me or sending me gifts. And it is really confusing for me. Every time I get a letter or she pleeds or they organise me, all the pain and confusion wells up and it is just too stressful. A couple of months ago I just said (not quite as bluntly but similar to) "I don't want the family to contact me until they have organised a time to meet my birth mother, because even though I love the family it is too painful and difficult for me to be prevented from seeing my birth mother, the very person I searched my life for, yet be showered with affection and gifts from aunts and grandparents who are fighting to see me all the time".

Answer 23

well if it was not for her you would not have the life you have know have you ever once thought to ask why she gave you away

if for some reason i was adopted and i had a wonderful life and my mom came back i would thank her for giving me a wonderful life instead of that she knew she could not provide for me and thank her for giving me to my new parents instead of keeping me and not being able to take care of me

Answer 24

Okay.. I have no major wisdom to impart.. I'm not part of the triad (yet, plan to adopt) But I've been looking alot into adoption and adoption issues..I felt compelled to answer this (well, more specifically to answer "Independent"s post.)

But first I'll try to answer your dilemna.. FIrst try to understand that you may have anger issues toward your mother for giving you up.. Cut her a little break.. You do NOT have to EVER change your relationship with your APs.. I do think it's wrong of your firstmom to ask or imply this... and I'm not telling you to have a relationship with your birthmother if you don't want to.. But maybe try cutting her some slack...at least treating her respectfully as you let her know that you're not interested in a relationship right now. Maybe making an effort to see things through her eyes, and softening your approach a bit.. What this means, I don' t know..

Now onto Independent (Gershom) INCREDIBLY outrageous post.  I don't know how independent could presume to know who is repsonsible for the lack of contact between you and your birthmother.  I don't know how she can presume to know whether or not they have "poisoned" yoru mind against yor bmom.. But to say that all Aps don't really "mean it" when they say they'll support your search/relationship with your firstfamily.. is UTTERLY arrogant, inflammatory, and ridiculous to say the least.. It's obvious her post is to be ignored as a hateful rant against APs with no real helpful value to your situation.

Answer 25

I am both adopted and an adoptive mom. So I can understand where you are coming from.   Your birth mom should respect you enough to give you space, however, please look at it from her standpoint.   I never realized how hard it must have been for my birth mom to place me, until my hubby and I met the birth moms of our 2 children.  They gave up their children, not because they did not want them, they gave up their children because it was the best for the children.  Now that your birth mom is older, she is wanting a relationship.  Now if she is smothering you, I can understand why you would want her to back off.  Your adoptive parents are your mom and dad.  I remember the birth mom of our now 19 year old son saying-  " I birthed him, but you are his mom and dad."  years later on our son's 18th birthday his birth mom contacted us, and they met.  It is not smothering to my son, it is healthy.  If your relationship with your birth mom is not healthy , then it would not be healthy for you to continue.  Sorry this has been hard for you.

Answer 26

WoW . .  first I am VERY sorry you have to go through this  . .  I could never imagine . .  BUT if it has gotten to the point where you are telling her to leave you alone to this extent. . and its not working, honestly . .restraining order.  I'm not sure why she is not in your life . . nor do i think it is anyones business one here . . BUT . .  if you have your own parents . . the ones who raised you and you consider mom and dad . .  evidently they are your parents !!  . they raised you . .  everyone has different opinions on this  . but this is mine . .your parents are the ones who are there for you . . throughout life . . help you along . . help you through the good and bad times . .  it dont seem like she was there for any of that . .  i wish you the luck . .  you have my idea . .as bad as it may sound . . again very sorry . .  Good Luck !

-ChRiS-

Answer 27

Since you have blocked her from contacting you through yahoo and myspace, how is she contacting you?  Whatever method she is still using to contact you, you should tell her (and this would be better as a preplanned "letter" rather than a conversation) that you understand her desire to be a part of your life, but that she has to respect your wishes.  Explain to her that you are not interested in having any relationship or contact with her, and then cut whatever method of contact she is using.

Answer 28

If you weren't running away so hard she wouldn't be chasing you so hard.  She's reacting that way because she's worried she might never get a chance to interact with you ever again.  Yes I understand that her persistance can be annoying, but cut the poor woman some slack and compromise, allow contact once in a while.

Answer 29

She sounds like a coo coo nut (as my dd puts it).

But you have to feel sorry for her because she sounds like she is in allot of pain. I can not tell you what to do but I hope this situation gets better for the both of you.

Answer 30

Why did she give you up for adoption if she wants to be your mom so bad? She has no rights whatsoever and certainly not the right to claim that she is more important than the parents who raised you. She might have mental problems. Tell her that if she is not willing to wait for you to be ready, you will have nothing more to do with her. Then ignore her totally. You may have to get an order of protection from the police.She could be a stalker.

Answer 31

This is a really sad situation.  She is your birth mother, so ultimately she is connected to you.  I don't know your situation, but I do know that it must have been heart-wrenching for her to give you up.  No mother could ever go through that without some feeling of great sadness.  Tell her face to face that you are not ready.  She needs to hear it from you.  She probably wants to know how much time you need because she is terrified of losing you again.  Only time can heal a heart, so just be upfront with her about how you feel.