How do other brides/grooms deal with being judged about your wedding?

Question

I guess I just feel frustrated that wedding planning just comes down to people judging you and your choices, and whether you follow perfect etiquette rules.

If my bridal party throws my a Stag and Doe (which I have no control over) I'm a tacky bride.

If I have a cash bar I'm cheap.

If I don't have a sit down dinner to save money my fiance's family will be disappointed because they travelled so far.

If I don't invite everyone from both families I'm being rude and exclusive.

If I don't hand write all 110 address labels I send the message that I don't really want my guests to come to my wedding.

If I don't want a bridal shower because I don't want people to spend extra money on me then I'm spoiling the fun.

If I register for my honeymoon because that's what we really want I'm being greedy and treating my wedding like a "cash grab".

If I ask my bridesmaids to pay for the fabric to have their dresses made by my mother I'm being a demanding bridezilla.

If I ask my fiance to cut down on his wedding day dreams for the sake of the budget I'm making it "my" day, not "our" day.

And if I complain about anything about the wedding then I'm not really in love with my fiance, I just want a wedding.

How do you deal with never making anyone happy with your wedding planning decisions?

Answer 1

I know it's cliche but you have to ignore them...  It's so hard to because we have certain members of our families who just talk about every one and complain about everything...  When it comes down to it though you and your fiance are really the only people with opinions that matter here.  Agree with your fiance now and forever to be venting partners so when something makes you or your fiance mad you can always go to the other and complain a little.  Then just drop it and think about what really matters, not the wedding, but your future marriage.  I also like to focus on the things that I am looking forward to.  Like I love my dress that I picked out so i picture myself looking all made up in the gorgeous beaded dress that i got for a steal.  Also I'm excited about the honeymoon so I go to the website (Sandals.com) to look at my resort that I'm going to...  It gets me relaxed.

Answer 2

Okay 1. stag and doe isn't considered tacky. maybe by a few old geezers. But I told people I was getting married they asked when the stag and doe was before they asked about the wedding date.  It's almost expected now.

2.  Cash bars are also fairly commmon.  We're doing a mixture. I'm having a friend create a drink for us and we will serve those for free anything else is paid by the guest.

3.  Forget about them, it's YOUR day not theirs.

4. most people print them off now a days too.  Proper ettiquette says hand written but that hasn't be updated in decades.  So go ahead and print them.

5.  If someone wants to throw you a shower let them, but let everyone know you'd rather not have one.  It's your fun and if you won't find it fun then who cares if they dont have fun.  They've had or will have their own day.  This is about you

6.  Most bridesmaids pay their own dresses now adays.  It's actually more common to see that than to see the bride pay.

7. This is where compromise comes in.  Try to find an inexpensive solution to what he wants before saying "no". and let him just have a few things. It's give and take.

8.  Pshht! I'm 12 months away and I'm already complaining about everything. lol.  It's normal.

Forget what other people want, if they're paying for any of it, take their suggestions and listen if they aren't paying for any of the wedding then ignore them and do things YOUR way.

Good luck hun! hope things work out and you can enjoy this experience.

EDIT: I thought those questions sounded familiar.  I was the one being called tacky for asking about a stag and doe.  And all I asked was how early is too early to have one. So many people on here are just taking their anger out online.  It's sad but true.  I try to ignore them. I thumbs down so I don't have to see their answer anymore and move on.  They can be miserable and rude on their own.  No one's taking me down:D I am going to enjoy every second of this engagement and if my grandma's input and rudeness didn't pull me down, no one online will....BRIDE POWER! WOOT WOOT! lol

Answer 3

A wedding is a massively important event for everyone involved and it is remembered for years afterwards. When the people who had raised us, loved us, befriended us, and supported us, had opinions about our wedding we cared enough to listen, and we cared enough to listen to each other. We treated our guests as guests and not Extras in our own private drama and we entertained them properly. We had a wonderfully happy wedding and enjoyed every minute of the planning. Compromise and kindness being the keys. Maybe, just maybe, some of the people who have an opinion about your wedding have a point.  

Answer 4

Thats the thing, if your worried about making everyone happy your wont be happy at your wedding cause your always worried. Remember big weddings are just for show anyways, your just trying to please the audiance. I had a wedding of 250 guests it was way to big and I was always worried about something. My girlfriend had one of 40 guests and it was seriously the funnest and best wedding ive ever been too!

Answer 5

Your  family sounds like they're scrutinizing you more than normal, however, there's always going to be disagreements and people will always judge you. My fiance and I are keeping a lot of things private for that reason, particularly because we're spending more than people think (we can afford it) and if we tell them how much my dress costs or what we're paying for our photographer, then they'll all think we're spoiled and greedy and that we only care about material things. So we tell people only what's necessary and keep all the rest to ourselves.

However, in your case, everyone's judging you on everything and anything, which is wrong. They can feel however they want to feel, but it shouldn't get back to you. To be honest, I think it's wrong to have cash bars at weddings (guests go through a lot to attend a wedding - I think it's wrong to make them pay for their drinks, especially when there's not a sit-down dinner), but I would never let the bride and groom know that (even if it was a family member). Everyone should be supporting you in what you and your fiance decide, especially if you're the ones footing the bill. Just ignore what everyone says and do what you want. If people make snide remarks, just say, "We're doing the best we can with our budget." That will remind people that you're the one paying and they're input is not welcomed.

Answer 6

I read the answers on this forum too and sometimes I wonder where these people live and how much money they make.  My friends, family, and I come from middle class/working class backgrounds, none of us are white trash or cheap.  I have never heard anyone complain about a cash bar, only rave if there isn't one.  We just received a invitation to one of the weddings from a girl from work with a printed return address on it and I didn't hear anyone gossib about it.  We thought when our other friend registered for a honeymoon it was an awesome idea.  If bridesmaids dresses are under $150 they are reasonable.

I understand your concerns, but really, don't worry about it.  MOST people don't care, they just want to drink, dance, and have fun.  

Answer 7

s***w them! This is about YOU and your GROOM. No one else! Do what makes you two happy!!! That's all that matters. People who truly care will think everything is wonderful. The other people just need to mind their own business. I know it's hard, but just remember it's YOUR day, not theirs!!

Good luck! Keep your chin up! :)

Answer 8

Are you getting married because you love someone and want to share your life with him, or are you getting married to please other people? I coordinate fifty weddings a year and the first thing I tell prospective brides is, "It's YOUR wedding". You need to choose where your boundaries are set between actually offending people and just catering to them. My personal opinion is that most people in our culture place far too much importance on impressing others and having the 'best wedding ever', versus making it a personal statement to each other and celebration for friends and family. Here's an idea. When I DJ a wedding, those people who make requests and then don't dance get ignored on subsequent requests. Imagine who will dance like no one's watching at your reception and listen to them. The ones who will sit stiffly in their chairs, worrying about how their clothes and hair look --- IGNORE 'EM!

Answer 9

The heck with them.I am having a cheap wedding .Buffet style,serve yourself and I dont give a c**p what people will think.I am spanish and my fiance is white and for some reason some of his family members will have a problem with me playing spanish,but I dont care and I will tell them to go the h**l outside if they dont wanna listen to it.I know I will be judged for playing spanish music,but thats what my family likes.I'm not gonna do wrong to my family just because grooms family doesnt understand it.You do what you guys want and can afford.The h**l with the s****.,judgemental ones.

Answer 10

Make you decisions based on what is special and important to you.  I would only try to accommodate the guests to a certain point.  I honestly don't go to a wedding for free food or drinks.  I go to see my friends get married and start their life! You need to do what you want and can honestly afford.  Besides if you have a cash bar your guests may p**s and moan about it that day but they'll get over it.  It's not the end of the world.  I live in the world and I think most other people do too and I know that weddings are expensive! I know that you can't afford everything under the sun. Just do what you can and do what makes the two of you happy!  You might be surprised at what you can pull off by shopping around and getting family and friends to help with if you're on a budget.  

Answer 11

There isn't a whole lot you can do.:( I feel your pain! I'm getting married on the 30th and I feel like the wedding is everyone's but mine! Take a deep breath, be firm about your wishes and look forward to the honeymoon! Try to let go of the anger. It is better to nicely explain you are upset than just bottle it up inside. This will just make you hurt more! A prayer goes your way!

Answer 12

Why are you trying to please everyone?  It's a no-win situation.

I'm not for the attitude, it's-my-wedding-and-I'll-do-as-I-please, but a little of it is not entirely bad, either.

Be open to suggestions, but in the end you need to tell these people  that "this is what you & your fiance have decided on" & let them deal with it.  They will either be a part of your wedding, or they won't

The thing that bothers me is why are you surrounding yourself with these kinds of "friends"?  Friends are suppose to support & encourage.

And I noticed that your fiance complains that you make it "your day" not "our day"; which sounds like the other comments that have been made.

Before you continue with the plans, I think you might want to take a serious look at the BIG picture. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life???

Just a thought.

Answer 13

No matter what,you'll never make everyone happy so please don't even try.Do what you and your fiance want to do and what you can afford. That is most important.Ignore the rest and go ahead with the plans you've made.In the end,everyone will feel like you had a lovely wedding and you'll be far less stressed.

Congrats and all the best.

Answer 14

Hey there,

You're never going to make everyone happy... that's just the way these things go.  You will find out who really cares about you both, no matter what... and who the real divas are among your friends and family.

We had a cash bar, but paid for a bartender.  It was an afternoon wedding on a Sunday.  We heard some murmurs, but generally, we spread the word that we were on an ultra tight budget and couldn't afford it.

Had no champange toast, just with what they had.  People survived.

Had a get together to hand address the invitations.  Plenty of food and fun there - don't do it alone, you'll be sore and sad.

Had NO CHAIRS at our outdoor Wedding.  Kept it short and sweet, a mere 15 minutes.  People didn't get upset.  It was in a park that didn't allow chairs.  We traded the beauty for temporary discomfort, and let everyone know about it in advance.  We made accomodations for those with handicaps, or elderly (the few available benches).  Peole understood.

You can register for whatever you like.  Serve whatever you like.  Decorate as you like.  We made the bouquets from flowers purchased at COSTCO at the rehearsal dinner.  None of us are florists.  They came out beautifully.

I would just advise you to try to make your guests as comfortable as possible.  They want to be fed, and some music, and some cake.  They're really there to see you guys tie the knot.  Everything else is icing!

Have fun, and good luck!