How do we NOT get our hopes up(RE-Post)?

Question

As some of you may know my husband and I have been trying nine years to adopt. Everytime we get close, we end up not getting the baby. We always get our hearts broken. We just put our names on international adoption.

However this morning we got an e-mail from the agency informing us that a pregnant teenage girl read our profile and wants to meet with us! They also said she is highly considering us! We are so excited.

But we both agreed not to get our hopes to high or else we'll get hurt again.

How do we NOT get our hopes up? We both work, but I work at home so I'll be constantly checking my e-mail and stuff. What can we do to NOT get our hopes up?

Thanks in advance!

PS-For those who say don't have contact with her until the baby's born, that isn't in option as she wants to meet all of the couples she has looked at and have taken into consideration!

Answer 1

Plain and simple.  Know in your head and in your heart that this will not be your baby until the papers are signed and the revocation period is over.

Do not touch a belly.  Do not ask to be in the delivery room.  Do not have a shower until the papers are signed.  Do not put together a nursery.  Just have the basics ready to go until you need them.  The very basics.

This is her child until it isn't.  Even if she is a teenager.  Age doesn't matter.  Her baby until the papers are signed and revocation is over.  Period.

As long as you go into it knowing that and being honestly able to cope, it should be fine.

Answer 2

Hi Britney, as this is such and emotional rollercoaster, I don't believe there is any solid way to logically bring yourself down a level, however, some things to focus on if you feel yourself getting too excited:

1. Go into this knowing full well that she can and may very likely decide to keep her baby or even choose a different couple.

2. Go about your life as business as usual. Do everything you are used to doing. I know that will be very hard, but I think you will find that it will eventually lessen the stress and anticipation.

3. I agree with the others that meeting expectant moms can be coersive (even unintentionally), so If she is insistant on meeting you, then perhaps at that first meeting you can explain your feelings on the situation about how you do not wish to put undue influence on her decision and therefore you feel that after this meeting it probably would be best if you did not have further contact until after the baby is born and she has the chance to make an informed decision that's not based on any misplaced sense of loyalty to you.

My heart goes out to you as I know how you are feeling.

Answer 3

There is nothing "forcing" you to meet with her.  The agency has her convinced that she "MUST" make a decision prebirth, thus increasing the odds that she will surrender.  17 is too young to buy a car without your parents' signature, too young to vote, too young to make ANY sort of adult decision that affects you for the rest of your life.   She should be getting independent counselling OUTSIDE of any agency that stands to make money from the surrender of her baby.

And it is not ethical for you or any other PAP's to be influencing her decision pre-birth, and that is precisely what those meetings go and why this practice was put in place by agencies: because it makes mothers surrender their babies who otherwise would have kept them.

" “In a very general way, openness benefits prospective parents because it may increase the pool of adoptable infants.  For biological parents to be able to have some continuing knowledge about their relinquished child may [persuade] them to choose adoption as an option [Barth, 1987], thus increasing the number of children available and decreasing the wait for an adoptable child”.  (Berry, 1993, p. 639)"

So it is all rigged against the mohter.

Answer 4

All you can do is take it one day at a time. Also remember that the expecting mother can not give her rights up until after the baby is born. So really she is just looking at option. I would keep your options open as well and still look into IA that can sometimes take a few years from the time the process starts.  Be honest with what IA program  you go with tell them that you currently are being thought of being the possible PAP for a teenager girls unborn child, but you still want to purse this adoption option. . Who knows you could go from being childless to have two kids.

Answer 5

instead, how about helping her with a plan to parent?

Answer 6

The only way I think you can not get your heart broken again is to realize that the mom is only looking at her options. Even if she says she KNOWS she does not want to raise her child, she is not in the frame of mind to make this type of decision now. This is why she can not sign relinquishment papers until after the baby is born. Pregnant women and so hormonal to begin with. Add being a teenager and those hormones are all ready out of wack.

I also do not agree it is ethical to have contact with her now. I think that getting to know you personally can somehow make her feel obligated to you and your husband. Since she is making this a condition before she will consider you, the best advice I can give is to back off once you meet her. Let her know you care about her and that you do not want to pressure her in any way.

Answer 7

There isnt any way not to get excited thinking your 1 step closer but you have to think that when it happens the wait was worth it, good luck to you both what you doing is really thoughtful

Answer 8

Just trust in God.  Keep believing for your baby to come.  It is all in timing and thats Gods time.  His timing is perfect timing.  Its hard to keep believing when you want something for so long.  Especially a baby.  Thats something that you dont want to rush with.  I promise you the wait will be so worth it when your time comes.  Thank God in advance.  He likes praise.  Good Luck & God Bless!!!!!

Answer 9

Anyone with any ethics and morality will tell you to stay away from her until after she gives birth and has had a chance to bond with her baby. She is on an emotional roller coaster right now and nobody should take advantage of that, no matter how much they want a baby.

Use what the baby wants as motivation. He/She wants their mother to be given that opportunity. The baby doesn't want strangers interfering with them and their mom.

Answer 10

just tell your self if it happens it happens don't get existed until the official OK

Answer 11

Encourage the young lady to keep the baby, then let her know that you don't wish to remain in contact until after the baby is born and after she has had the chance to bond with the baby. If you never hear from her again, thankfully nature wins and the mother will later thank you for being the couple who believed in her.

Answer 12

There is no way not to get your hopes up. Embrace hope, even when it hurts.

Answer 13

I would like to say that I think it is a very good thing to meet with her.  She is being very responsible and caring by really checking into who she wants to raise her child.

What I think will help you to not get your hopes up is to put yourself into her shoes.  Imagine how overwhelmingly hard it is to part with a baby that grew inside of you.  Believe me, it is the hardest thing any woman will ever have to do.  Let her know that you are doing your best to understand how she feels, and that she is the one in the driver's seat throughout the adoption process.  

Also, you can't control the world around you.  If she decides to parent, or chooses someone else, it isn't your fault.  It doesn't mean you aren't good enough, or will never be parents.  All you can control is how you view the issue, and how you feel about it.

Answer 14

I hope she figures out that you're deceptive BEFORE she decides to give you her baby.

You say above that you want to have an "open adoption", which means your child would know his.her natural parents throughout their life.

But in this question:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

you say you hope your future adopted child will meet their parents AFTER they're 18.  

You might want to go for a more honest approach to get an infant from their mother.

Just a thought as to why you're hopes are often dashed.

Answer 15

WOW, its obviouse that most of these people answering have no history of adoption.  Adoption while is a wonderful option and any baby would be very blessed to have you, is a roller coaster ride for you.  Some states even have laws that they birthmom can change her mind after the baby is placed with you.  Our state doesn't thankfully.  We have 3 adopted children we got at birth now 8, 11 and 13.  They are my life.  We had one go bad before my last son was born but honestly looking back I wouldn't change anything we went through.  Of course I can say that now.....  I was heart broken not so much because she chose to keep the baby and the money we had given her but she didn't call us or anything and we were sitting on pins and needles for weeks waiting to hear from her.  Its hard.  I don't think you can "not" get your hopes up.  God Bless you and I wish you well.

Answer 16

Brittany, there's nothing that you can do but to expect the worst but hope for the best.

As you read the answers above, just keep in mind that you are  not stealing anyone's baby--as is often accused of adoptive parents.  This is real life and real life is not perfect, is it.  Things happen that throw us for a loop and we have to deal with it.  At 17, she's found herself in a situation that she she'd rather not be in and is trying to make the best decision that she can make for HERSELF and HER CHILD.  She wants to meet you for HER peace of mind.  Meet her.  She wants to make sure that you are the one she wants to raise her child.  There are no guarantees in life but NOTHING will happen if you don't try.

Answer 17

You may want to talk to her on the phone before you meet her.  You both need to get a feel for each other before having an awkward first meeting.  

My husband and I adopted 4 years ago and we are now on a waiting list to adopt again.  We got a call a month ago from our agency saying that this young couple was VERY interested in us and wanted to meet.  I told them I wanted to talk on the phone first.  I am so glad we did.  It turned out that we didn't really mesh very well.  And we both decided that it was not going to be a good match.  It saved us a lot of time and money.  

I understand that it is hard to understand that I did not want to match with this lady since she had a baby and I really want another one. But if you are going to do open adoption you will have to understand that these people will be in your life forever.  So it is very important to get along and make sure you mesh well.

Good Luck but don't count your chickens before your eggs are hatched.  They could even change their minds while in the hospital.

Answer 18

A good way to damper your hopes is to consider the fact that it is NEVER ideal for a child to be separated from his/her mother.  Her child will have to lose his/her entire world in order to become your child.  How sad for him/her, and for his/her mother.  If she makes the decision to give her child away, I do wish you all the best.  But I hope that she will change her mind.  And you should hope that, too.  Mothers should not be separated from their babies unless absolutely necessary.  I hope that, deep in your hearts, underneath the desire for a baby of your own, that you truly wish for this mother to keep her baby and become the mother that her baby needs her to be.

Answer 19

In this case you DO need to meet her. Some folks here will never get it that some natural mothers WANT to make an adoption plan.  That is not coercion. It's a natural mother making a plan on her own free will. It happens.

Obviously the natural mother will always have the right to change her mind. That could happen too. But in the meantime there is nothing wrong with a mother who plans to place her child for adoption to get to know the family who will raise the child.

So, about your hopes......be certain to know that the natural mother could change her mind. Also be certain that she gets counseling and is assigned a separate attorney. Make sure that the natural father is in agreement with the plan and has been legally advised. You all are in for an emotional roller coaster. Just know that whatever happens is the way it should be.

ETA:Oh, and please don't promise open adoption unless you are sincere about it.

Answer 20

And... if you're into "open adoptions"  ( which i'm skeptical on believing you're really into due to the previous question sunny listed ) why would you opt for an international adoption, you can't have an "open" adoption when the mother lives overseas. Sure you can exchange letters and calls, but thats not everyday contact.

I hope this girl knows that open adoptions aren't enforceable by the court of law.

To answer your question, I don't know how you can't get your hopes up. Maybe focus on helping the mother keep her child, be a good nanny to the child so that she can go to school and keep her baby too. Why should she have to surrender it because she's not done w/ school yet. I would find it more rewarding to help out a mother in need and help her keep her family together instead of focusing on separating them for your benefit.

Good luck.