How do we avoid our children feeling they must be "grateful"?

Question

The first time my husband and I heard about this thing that an adoptee should feel grateful, we just looked at each other and gagged. Ok, that doesn't even make any sense!!! We, the adults, chose adoption. Not the kids. They had no say! And this was back before we even understood about the adoptee's grief process! I read this a few minutes ago:

we already have massive expectations, by being told we were "chosen". when you're a little kid, that's too heavy. it's too hard to live up to.

How do we avoid this? I mean, yes, our child is chosen. But we chose them AS THEY ARE! The only thing they need to live up to is to BE THEMSELVES! How do we make sure our children don't feel like they came to our family with a job to do?

Answer 1

the problem is that many believe biological children shouldnt have to feel this way, but an adopted child, well, they better praise you for your gift.

so silly. i am very grateful to my parents. they gave me a good life, i wanted for very little. i am grateful to lori for caring about me enough to get me away from that family of hers.

but i am not grateful for being "adopted" i had no say in that, it was all decided for me. i am just as grateful to my mom and dad as my sister is (their biological child). we were given a great life, and we were fortunate for that opportunity.

just be honest and loving. you have displayed much concern about how your actions will effect your children, maybe it is time to give yourself a break and just go with it. as long as you are not bashing the bioparents or constantly bringing up the adoption, or being choosen, i think they will get the message.

Answer 2

No child should be made to feel grateful for life. Adopted children especially have no control over their adoption circumstances and should not be held hostage their entire life for decisions made by other people.

My daughter was adopted as an infant. It makes me cringe when other people assume and make comments about her "having a better life", or "how lucky she is".

I did not "save" my daughter from anything. Her bio mom has always been in her life and loves her very much. And yes, I adopted my daughter for who she is. I never considered that she had a job to do. The thought of that disgusts me.

There's no denying that as adoptive parents we have certain obstacles to achieve for the sake of our child/ren's emotional health and self esteem. My approach has always been to be honest with my daughter about her adoption. The best advice I can give is to allow your children to age appropriately UNDERSTAND their adoption circumstances.

Answer 3

Give them love and just when you think you've given them all the love available give them an extra helping.

Answer 4

I don't think they should ever be told to feel grateful.  I do think all children, adopted and non-adopted have had a life they can feel grateful for, and that as parents we have set an example.  I a grateful for my parents, not everyday but most days!

Answer 5

I think you should just never say it and be on guard for well meaning people who might say stupid things trying to be nice.

For example: Aren't you lucky to have a nice home and a nice mommy and daddy now?

Response: We all feel so blessed to be together and be building our family.

I think all (healthy and blessed) children are grateful for their parents, but not until they are older. If and when they thank you, tell them they are the blessing, they are the gift...just like biological children.

One more thing, I read your post about what adoptees should call their parents, depends on the age. If you are going for under 4, I would say Mommy and Daddy.....these kids want that, they need that.  

Also, when they go to school, they want to be like everyone else.  That is when most of the kids I work with start calling their parents mom and dad.  They don't want to be any more different than they've already felt their whole life.

Sometimes, our efforts to be sensitive, we can create issues and cause feelings to be hurt.  You never know, they could take your openess about what to call you as you not wanting to be called mom.

Be open about adoption, but don't make everything in the kids' life about adoption.  

I'm so glad you're open to taking more than one child.  It is so hard when siblings are split.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 6

tell them everyday that you love them, I have never understood the discontent when it comes to this . my neighbors across the street have two children they adopted when they were babies, the children were from Guatemala, they look nothing like their parents, they work great as a family. my wife and I are crazy about these kids. talking to the father, I have come to understand. the children are talked to in an honest conversation about their past, where they are from and their future. the kids are 10 yrs. old now, we are crazy about them, no one treats them any differently , they are  very well rounded, a joy to be around, to answer your question with a dignified answer made simple. let them be kids, leave the past in the past. love them and treat them as they are yours because they are

Answer 7

I don't think that anyone should be told to feel "grateful" for having parents who meet their needs, provide a stable and secure home and love them....  

I do think that all of us including our children--adopted or not should be respectful for the good things that are part of our lives which would includ the people in our families--and circle--that make our lives rich!

I believe that words are seeds and they grow in the souls of the people we plant them in....  If my words planted are judgemental then the person I plant them in will feel judged... If my words planted are accepting, honoring and tolerant then the person we plant them in will feel accepted, honored and free to be themselves...

Our words are not only seeds but so to are our facial expressions, body language, movements.... responces....and attitudes....  

The word "chosen" in our home is applied more to the choice of method for adding family members....  We Chose to Have More Children by Adoption....  We do not want to make our children think we got a catelog and made an internet order....  We use the Chosen Word as a word for our decision to adopt....as well as the fact that we were chosen to be their "growing up" family.....

We chose to adopt because We wanted to be parents and we chose to adopt our children because we knew they needed a growing up family--and we were chosen to be theirs....

The as they are part--in our home has nothing to do with being chosen.....  We did choose to adopt our kids as they were and wouldn't want to change anything about them--we just want them to have a nice, safe and loving growing up family and hope we all have a great growing up life....

Now, I do teach my little ones the same grateful attitude I taught my older children.... And when there ARE reasons to be Grateful to anyone in the House this is Expressed....

"We are all so Grateful Daddy has the job he does and makes the money he does so we can have the things and do the things we do...."

"We are so grateful that we live in the house we do and have the yard we have where we can grow apples, and strawberries..."

"We are so grateful we have the people in our family and that our family works well together so everyone can be their best!"

But you will Not ever hear any of my children express gratitude for what should be the Basic-Minimum Expectations of any child: Safe and Supportive Parent(s) to help them grow up....that should actually just be a given!

Answer 8

i actually want my adopted kids to respect me and be grateful. The used to live in a car for crying out loud. They better feel special and lucky!