How do we break it to our 6 boys that daddy has cancer?

Question

I'm new to yahoo answers, just joined 3 minutes ago. I don't know how it all works, but I need some advice. My husband and i have 6 boys, Landon and Hunter (twin 12 yo), Bradley (10), Elijah (8), Chad (6), and Dalton (3), and we just found out last week that he has cancer. They gave him 2 years. Should we tell the boys now? or tell them when it gets worse? How do we tell them? thanks for your help.

Answer 1

I am sorry to hear this, I hope that your faith and your family's love will help you through this very difficult time. I would not hesitate to tell all the children that their father loves them but God has given him a small amount of time on this Earth so they have to use every little second to love and appreciate it.

I think that the father should start writing a daily diary of his thoughts for his children to benefit in the future and get to honestly know they father if the worst case scenario plays out.

In Tim Russert's book about his father, he told of a friend who lost his son at an early age and was trying to get his mind around it. The fact is that if God told you from the beginning that you could have your husband/father/brother/etc. for only a little time versus no time at all, you would still take the deal.

Answer 2

I want to cry now.  I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  I would tell them asap.  Obviously this is extremely hard, and I can't imagine having to sit my kids down to tell them news like this.  I would cry through the whole thing and wouldn't be able to get a word out.

If you wait to tell them, it will always be in the back of your head.  Should I tell them now? What will happen if I tell them today? Look how happy they are, I can't tell them now.  Just do it right now, today, don't delay.

You just have to tell them the truth.  What else can you say? Say that Dad is very sick and the doctors can't help him.  He only has a little time left to live.  The older ones may understand 2 years, but the younger ones don't get the concept.  I wouldn't say 2 years though.  It could be longer, it could be shorter.  Just say that you don't know when he will leave us, but let's cherish the time that he is with us.

Answer 3

They'll never ever tell you they regretted knowing they had those two years to fill with I-love-you's and I'm-sorry.  If some day you tell them you spared them that first 18 months of sorrow, they will surely tell you they wish they had the whole two years.  

As far as how, I'd tell them as a family.  CEM nailed it as far as the simplicity the little ones can handle.  The 12 year olds will have follow-up questions which you can talk to them about.

Good luck.

Answer 4

when i was 15 my parents told my sister and i that my dad had prostate cancer.  they said it was slow moving and could be treated.  When my parents told us my sister and i just lost it and started crying

my sister and i are really close to our dad.

he had surgery and the cancer was gone

about a week before he was supposed to go back to work the doctors told him he had skin cancer

again our parents told my sister and i and explained that it was not bad but he would have to have more surgery.

he had the surgery and a month later he was back at work

i think you should really tell your kids as soon as possible

my parents told me and my sister and it was a lot easier for us to handle rather than if they told us when the cancer had progressed

my dad is fine now and very healthy

tell your kids asap

also make sure you tell them all together cause it will be easier for them to have each other to be with when u tell them

Answer 5

wow, I am so sorry. I would tell them that daddy is sick but no further than that. Wait until they give some kind of update in a couple months..it may get better you never know. Once you have deff confirmed that he doesnt have much time, then tell them that his sickness got a little worse. Dont go into detail with them. Are you religious? There is always the ''Jesus needed another angel in heaven to help out up there (build something, pour out the rain) and he chose daddy to go because he is very strong.'' Something along those lines. Your oldest Im sure will want to know what is really going on but you dont want your youngest to know. Just try to make the last years of your husbands life as special as ever. Make all the dinners and Saturday morning breakfasts together, go fishing and to the park alot, whatever he likes to do, do it. Have the boys spend as much time with him as possible. Again I am soo sorry for this to happen. I hope I helped a little. Good Luck.

PS If you are really still clueless, I would seek proffesional advise on how to do things like this.

Answer 6

I would wait until he gets worse. Its hard for kids to understand things like this. Your husband can use this time and spend with the boys. Let them have a little more time to enjoy life.  Your husband can also take this time to write the boys letters.  That way he can still be a part of the boys life even after he is gone. Everyday they are coming up with new treatment so there is always hope.  I wouldn't make the boys worry and stress until they need to.

Answer 7

well i just  found out my dad has cancer and he hasn't been a part of my life much i was actually telling him i hated him when he toldme he had cancer...so i would tell the kids right away that way they can spend every moment with there father possiable..Mu father has stomach cancer  

Answer 8

Don't tell them anything until he gets sick and you can't hide it anymore or has to go to chemo and radiation. Even then, say he's "going in for some treatments," and tell them as little as possible.

Live your lives. Have as much fun and joy as possible. Don't make boys those ages go through their dad's terminal illness. It might be really traumatic for them and your job is to protect them at all costs.

Doctors are often wrong so your husband may have more than two years. The boys should not be made to live as though they are losing their dad, when maybe they aren't. By the time he is bedridden and very ill, if he ever is, it will come off to them like a short term illness rather than a long term one, which will be a lot easier for them.

Don't make them have a long goodbye, but without telling them why, give them as much fun and happiness with their dad as possible.

Answer 9

Personally, I would tell them now!   Most of them are old enough that they could understand whats happening.  Just make sure that you tell them on a  day/night  that is completly open and you have time to tell them and then for thier questions, no interuptions.   I wouldnt give them the timeframe of 2 years but I would make sure that you stress that he has limited time.   Dr's are not god, therefore he may live 6 months, 2 years or 5 years.... There is no real way for them to know that.  

Good Luck, I know it is very hard because its the unknown!

Answer 10

It's best to let them know now until it gets worse. If your husband dies (god forbid), they will ask why, and will be disappointed they didn't know before. Also, it's best if you ket them have it sinked in their heads and let them understand. Hope this helps.

Answer 11

You need to tell them now.  Try to have as much info as you can when you do it, they will ask questions.  They probably wont understand a lot of it, but you need to be compeletly honest.

Might I suggest you go ahead and get in contact with a psychologist and a support group?  These two can help you a great deal in how to tell your children, and just all around support.  People who know what you are going through.  You will all entertain some of your worst thoughts, and sometimes there are things you need to get out that you just cant say to someone in the family.  The more you understand that, and make that help available from day 1, hopefully it will be easier to deal with.  

It may make it easier if you can tell the kids with a medical professional there to help, such as a nurse, or his doctor.  They will know how to explain things in a way that might be easier for them to understand, since part of their job is helping people understand.

There is a cancer forum here as well, that you may find beneficial

http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/;_ylt=AvO9O...

Answer 12

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I think you should tell them now, kids are a lot smarter than adults give them credit for - they need to know. Go through it together as a family - be there for each other. Telling them now will give them time to cope. I would just explain "boys, we need to tell you something, we just found out that Daddy has cancer" (maybe add more details about what kind of cancer) then let them ask questions - answer their questions honestly. I wouldn't mention the 2 year specific time frame unless they ask, if you do tell them 2 years be sure to tell them that doctors aren't always right about the time frame. Keep in mind that this won't be a 1 time conversation, they will continue to have more questions as they process what is going on - be sure to encourage them to come to you with any questions, or if they are feeling sad.

Answer 13

Start with Landon and Hunter (the more mature one from the two of them, or both if you prefer.) and separate them from the other boys. Ask them what they know about cancer, and then tell them the diagnosis. Ask them how they feel, what they want to do about it, then ask them what they think, say, Bradley would say.

Next go to Bradley. Approach him a little less maturely, unless he is just as or more mature than the twins. Ask more basic questions as to whether he knows what cancer is, and then tell him that your husband has cancer. Don't tell him about the 2 year diagnosis unless he asks. Then ask him what he thinks Elijah would say.

Go to Elijah and approach him less maturely than Bradley, Tell him that your husband has a very bad illness and it's going to make it hard for him to live. Don't tell him about the 2 year diagnosis unless he insists. Or you think it's appropriate.Ask him how he thinks Chad would feel.

Go to Chad and just tell him that your husband is very sick. Don't tell him about the 2 year diagnosis unless you deem it appropriate. 6 year olds, I found, are very inquisitive (at least my sister is) but you don't need to tell him everything.

As for Dalton, just tell him that your husband is sick.

Of course, you know your family best. It might be better to call a family meeting and have your husband explain things to them.

The best of luck and my prayers go out to your family. Cancer is a devastating illness.  

Answer 14

You should tell them now so they have time to process. Also, usually hospitals have counselors who have experience with these types of questions. I'd say get in touch with someone who knows about child psychology and grieving. Your 12-year-olds are going to take it different than your 3 year old, so you may also have to take them aside individually.  

Answer 15

Honestly!

Answer 16

wow i am sure sorry to hear that. other than the young one i think the others are old enough to know. they may not understand the whole medical part, but telling them i think would be best. they need to be there for him (you are family). and all of you can be there for each other. i will pray that they can find a cure and you will get through this the best you can. bless you.  oh and by the way, i like Y/A but you will get lots of lets just say different people on here, just take what you want from it.  

Answer 17

I would just tell them daddy is very sick and the doctors are doing the best they can-don't tell them he is due to be dead within a couple of years. Let them absorb things slowly and with grace. Kids are resilient so do your best to keep laughter and love in an abundant supply for them. Afterwards there may be guilt-some might have even wished him dead after watching him struggle with life so be prepared for that too.

God be with you on this journey.    

Answer 18

first i just want to say i'm very sorry about this happening to you and your family. although i'm not sure on what you should do, i want you to know that i'll pray for you and your family and hope that you figure everything out in due time. god bless

Answer 19

Im so so sorry to hear this, i send my deepest sympathy. I hope you read this, i know you will get lots of answers back on this.

My mum (im from England so i say mum not mom lol) died of breast cancer when i was 9 yo. She developed the cancer when i was 6 yo she was 46 yo. She suffered bad for 3 long years before she finaly passed away. This was realy hard for me, not at the time, i was too young to understand. But its had now, my dad found it hard to talk about her and still dose. Im an only child so didnt have siblings to get throught it with.

Your boys have got eachother and thats so special, im sure there all really close and this will bring them even closer. It will be hard but its got too be done.

Im actually tearing up wrighting this.

Prepare a family meal for yourself, your husband and your 6 beutiful boys, sit around the dineing table and have a good meal and a laugh all together.

When you've all finished move into the sitting room alltogether and break it too them gentally but dont leave anything out.

Answer 20

I would sit them down and tell them. It's best that they know so that they can cherrish every moment that they have with him. I wouldn't put a time stamp on someone's life either, sometimes cancer disappears or is able to be removed/treated. My grandpa was given 3 months to live and lived for 6 years after that.

It will also help the boys to prepare themselves for the future and greive some.  

Answer 21

worst thing you can do is hide it from them , they will get confused and angry because they are being left out. Kids are made of stronger stuff than we think , they will thank you in years to come that you were honest. Also this will make them value the time they have left with there father.

I'm very sorry for your bad news but there are lots of new treatments coming out , please dont loose hope just yet.

Answer 22

Tell the older ones now and wait to tell the younger ones later on, maybe theyare too young to understand right now.

So sorry, good luck.

Answer 23

my situation was alittle different, my grandma was told she had cancer and was given 3-6 months to live! if i were you i would wait alittle but i told my duaghter that grandma was sick and that god might take her from us becuase he needed her more then we did! i dont know if that would work for you but when my grandma did pass last week, brooke understood and was ok with the fact that she was in a better place with god and she wasnt suffering anymore!