How do we convince our 20 yr old son that his 19 yr old gf is taking advantage of him and he should leave her?

Question

My wife discovered that our son was giving his girlfriend signed blank checks to help her pay her bills ($700). She called him to see if it was ok to fill them out & deposit them. Our son lives 1 1/2 hours away from his girlfriend. She was about ready to deposit another check for $300 when we put a stop it. My wife called her to ask her if she was receiving checks from our son and she lied to her. She has admitted to having a shopping problem and her parents have stopped giving her money. When I confronted her father about the blank checks, he simply stated that they both have some growing up to do. He admitted that his daughter always has her hand out for money. My question is How do we get through to our son that this is not normal behavior? We had a family meeting with his girlfriend present & she stated that she thought it was ok to take his money since he told her that he had the money to give to her and she would lie again. She is constantly making our son feel bad! HELP!

Answer 1

Try talking to him and make him reason. If that doesn't work leave him alone. As painful as that sounds he has to learn on his own!

Answer 2

You can't he has to make his own mistakes.

Answer 3

i know somebody in the same situation as your son, his g/f actually got engaged to somebody else while with him and still convinced him to stay with her on the hush.. hmm wonder why?? maybe because she'd miss the money he gives her weekly!  

i know exactly how you feel but the truth is there really is nothing you can do except make sure your son knows you there for him, the worst thing you can do is try and ward him off because he obviously has feelings for this girl and he will just try and prove you wrong, "she's not like that" " things will change" "she loves me" i love her.... iv heard it all!

alls you can do is be there for you son and dont make him feel like he will get the "i told you so's" when he does break it off! and that way hopefully it will come sooner rather than later!

Answer 4

As a parent i have had to learn the hard way. At 20 he is old enough to make his own choices and those choices have consequences. Don't try and push him away from her, allow him space as an adult to make "the choice" but reassure him you will be their for him and you will always love him.

He may feel bad because he feels caught in the middle of your love and what he perceives is her love.

Step back, it will hurt, mention it no more and leave the girl enough space to foul up for herself, your son will see it eventually, but at the moment he is defending two corners and himself.

Just be there for him to help him pick up the pieces.

Remember: Choice and consequence are the key word here, he made the choice and he will feel the consequences.

Answer 5

Short answer is that you don't. I know that is hard to accept but people have to learn these things on their own. I know that I did. When I was 20 I dated a rather rowdy guy my parents hated him and the more they pushed the more I wanted to be with him. I am 26 now and happily married to a great man and we have an awesome family. I guess people just have to get it out of their systems or atleast I did.

Answer 6

Listen, it seems like you have done everything that you can.  Sometimes we have to make big mistakes to learn big lessons.  You have tried to talk to him and he hasn't listened.  Maybe try the approach that if he has enough money to give her some then he can start paying his own car insurance and paying his own way.  Not to be blunt, but he is 20 years old.....old enough to make his own mistakes.  

Good Luck!

Answer 7

From someone who's been taken advantage of, trust me when I say you will have to let your son come to that conclusion on his own.  Someday he will realize that he's responsible for himself and that's all that matters, and that if other people can't be, that's their own problem, not his.  I too was always too nice and tried to 'help out' people who really were just too lazy to do it themselves, but I finally realized that I didn't have an oblilgation to do it and that it was best to just worry about myself.  Especially since I've never gotten help from anyone else, only given it to those who didn't deserve it.  You can tell your son how you feel, but it likely won't change his mind right now.  That's something he will have to decide to do on his own.

Answer 8

I'm sorry there is not much you can do.  Your son is 20 years old, he is grown up and will make his own mistakes, whether you as his parents, agrees with it or not.  right now, he is probably head over heels for her, which is why is giving her anything she wants.  All you can do is give an oppinion or advice. Thats it.  He can choose to listen or not.  He needs to learn on his own and eventually he'll realize what she is doing to him.

Answer 9

Oh my!

Well If the account is yours you could take action to stop her.

However, if it's in the son's name and he is of age, you can't do anything about it.

Young love is very blind sometimes.

I know exactly how you feel, you love him so much you want to protect him. The hard part for us is realizing he is an adult.



But he has to learn some lessons in life the hard way, and that is hard to watch, but that's what we have to do with our kids sometime.

Be strong.

Been there, done that.

Answer 10

Unfortunately, I dont think you can convince him.  I think you need to be patient and let him realize this on his own.  Otherwise, I am afraid you may risk the relationship with your son in the process because he doesn't see it.  Just be there for him and try to discuss these issues without seeming like you are telling him what to do.  I agree with the last person.  If he seems to have this extra money then have him start paying for his insurance.  It may be an eye opener!  Good luck.

Answer 11

Seeing that he is 20 years old you really need to let him realize this on his own just talk to him telling him what you are seeing and just tell him to watch out.  Surely he will realize this for him self.  and if you are giving him money and he is giving to her you need to stop doing  that.....and explain why....

Answer 12

Since you are still supporting him there are some steps you can take to stop this.  But I will warn you, you will look like the bad guy in this no matter what.

First of all, you own his car, pay his car insurance and I am guessing he still lives with you.  So you have a few options.

1.  Take away the car or demand he pay insurance on it.  Either take it away completely or allow him to only use it when he needs to- in other words, not to see her.  This will take away some of the money he is giving to her and/or make it impossible for him to see her to give her money.

2.  Make him pay rent and keep the money in an account for him.  Don't use the money, just make sure that she can't have it.  

3.  This one is where he will really not like you- for now.  Tell him that you will not allow him to let his girlfriend use him like that and if he insists that it's okay then he can find his own place to live and his own vehicle.  It may make him hate you but he may also wake up enough to realize that you are trying to help him and that she isn't worth him giving up the good life.

He probably won't like the new arrangements.  But you are trying to make sure that he doesn't ruin his life for a money grubber.  Either enforce something like I've suggested, talk to him again without her present or let him fall on his face.

Really, there's not much else you can do.  You can either be the bad guy, be the nice guy and still have to watch him get screwed or just sit back and let him learn.  Parenting is one of those things that needs to come with a handbook on how to handle crazy situations.  

At least you have this to fall back on.  He may end up 'hating' you for right now, but when he's learned his lesson and realizes that you weren't trying to choose for him, hopefully he will be grateful.  

Good luck and try not to let it get to you if he decides to choose her.  It's one of those things that we all go through when we're young about doing what we think is right for us.  He may have to learn this lesson to realize that even though he is an adult, there are people out there that have danced this tune a few times before him.

Answer 13

what you should do is confront him casualy. but not in front of his gf. just you and him. ok this might sound kid-ish but u could take him to a baseball game or something and during half time just like ask him normal simple questions like so hows the relationship wit the gf going and if he thinks its a problem, he should open up to you. remember dont get upset or give him lectures just try to understand him and talk in his shoes.

------- good luck!

Answer 14

Are you still supporting him financially???  If not, there's nothing you can do.  He's going to have to learn from his own mistakes.

If you are still supporting him you could pull it in a bit.

Answer 15

It sounds like you've done all you can.

Perhaps you might want to take the approach that you won't bail him out of debt if time proves you right?

Answer 16

unfortunately, it sounds like its going to be a life lesson for him...

and i know you dont want to hear this, but if she gave him s*x, and it was the 1st or the best hes ever had, ...well, you do the math.  kinda like a hooked junkie

pretty much anything you do to help your son is mostly going to come out as poision, and hes not going to listen.  i had to admit that i went down that road, but i did.  

i think instead of all of you guys sitting down, it would come best from you only dad.  depends on what kinda relationship you have w your kid...me and my dad, we were always kinda like brothers, still are (im 35 now)  theres a chance if you took off the parental gloves, and just talked to him man to man, that he may at least grow curious as to what shes doing with his hard earned money.  he cant be that stupid when he goes to her house and sees 1000 dollar worth of new stuff that he wonders where it came from...

or like i said, maybe she glossess over with with some really good s*x, and then he really doesnt care!

Answer 17

Unfortunately I think all you can do is continue to try to get him to see that she is a gold digger.  It may take some time, but maybe you can suggest to him to stop giving her anymore money for a little while then hopefully he will see how chilly the relationship becomes.  Other than that you may just have to let him learn by trial and error.  Good luck, I hope he doesn't end up getting hurt.  Just be supportive of him and pray the end comes soon.