How do we get our baby back after changing our minds about adoption?

Question

I recently gave birth to my beautiful baby boy. My boyfriend and I have planned on an open adoption with a wonderful, caring, deserving couple who have been through a lot and wanted nothing more than to be parents so we agreed and went through all of the steps for the adoption to take place shortly after his birth. We were all very excited and my boyfriend and I couldn't have been more excited for them and naively for us being able to take the "easy" way out. They have spent a lot of money on lawyers and air travel not to mention completely decorated his room, purchased everything for him and bought a new house and minivan in preparation for him. We didn't have any second thoughts until he was born. I looked at him and fell in love immediately. We didn't stop crying while we were in the hospital. I breastfed and I am still pumping for the baby and his "new" parents as they are still in the province but we can't stop thinking about how to get him back and how do we tell them?

Answer 1

DONT sign anything. DONT give your child away. He is still legally your child and your situation is completely in your control. However, once you sign those papers, that child is not yours, he is gone. Get out if this situation, call your lawer and ask him for advice. He will know what to do but DONT SIGN THOSE PAPERS!!!!

Answer 2

If  your not certain don't do it.................

Answer 3

Okay I dont give a ratz how much they have spent or how much their hearts are going to break.

PLEASE DO NOT SIGN THOSE PAPERS.

PLEASE GET YOUR BABY And LEAVE Their Home and take your baby boy home with you.

He belongs with YOU and his father and his siblings

*question - do you have 4 other children with THIS Boyfriend?"

Please TAKE YOUR BABY BACK.

Let them VISIT him

But he is YOUR BABY

This is the BEST Thing for the BABY

TRUST ME

ETA Do not listen to people like Elizabeth S

Are you for real Elizabeth S ??? of course she is highly emotional she just gave BIRTH, and she is breastfeeding/pumping and has hormones running rampant

And what about this babies siblings ? huh ? is it best to split them all up ? NO this baby needs to be with his PARENTS the ones who made him and with the mother who gave birth to him.

How selfish of you to tell someone to get over it and hand the baby over - you are not thinking of the baby at all, you are thinking from a selfish selfish pov and one that you yourself are probably afraid of happening.

ETA ascloud - again another person thinking of this from a purely selfish POV.

This is a adoptive parent, do not listen to adoptive parents, unless of course they are one of the VERY FEW who are not all fogged up.....

Babies are not commodities, nothing can put a price on this baby being with its mother, you know the one that he has known for 9 MONTHS Inutero, the other prospective YES PROSPECTIVE Mother he has NO knowledge of.

Oh god my stomach is churning and my heart is lurching when I think of that poor baby boy being in its pretty lovely nursery, in its lovely new home being driven around in a new minivan

ALL THE TIME SCREAMING FOR HIS MUMMY

PLEASE PLEASE GET YOUR BABY From those people and walk OUT THE DOOR And TAKE HIM HOME And put him to your Breast

Take him to bed with you, co sleep for a month or 12 and help him get over the past few days

PLEASE

Answer 4

Will it hurt them.  Of course--it will hurt terribly, because he has been becoming their baby now.

Think carefully about your reasons--I don't know what they are, maybe they were valid.  But you've had 9 months to think, and you knew what it was like to be a mom, so I don't know how more time thinking would help.  

If you're going to take him back, do it now.  Don't let them get to love him more or it will only hurt them, and him, more.

You've had 5 kids with your boyfriend now...maybe it's time to make a committment?

Answer 5

Don't worry about upsetting the adoptive parents or how much money they have spent.  It would be worse for them to know that you desperately wanted your baby back for the next 18 years and harder to explain to him.

Since you didnt sign anything - I would think it would be relatively easy to change your mind.  Call your social worker or atty asap.

Good luck

Answer 6

hmm extremely hard position to be in.

honestly i dont think it would be right to just decide not to have those people adopt him. just imagine being in their shoes, they seemed really excited and waited for his arrival and then to have that taken away is really hard. if its an open adoption it wont be that bad since youll have SOME contact. i really dont know what else to tell you =/

hopefully you do whatever you feel is right and everything works out ok.

Answer 7

i feel sorry for the people adopting waiting os long and you just change your mind like that you should have been certain before you went into a dissision like that but since nothing has been signed then you probly should be able to keep your baby

Answer 8

I think you know what your decision is.. and the sooner they are told, the better.  You cannot undo THEIR pain, and it is understandable.. you would be less than human if you didn't feel regret for what is coming.

In ALL honesty.. this is exactly one reason why I personally have my doubts about the idea of "open" adoptions, and ones that are planned in advance. But that is a long subject, not for this question immediately.

I don't believe you can sign papers, that you already know, in your heart.. are not of your complete, free will.  Immediately, get some help from staff there at the hospital, or your lawyer.

In simplest terms.. there have been mistakes made on both parts. On your part, for believing you could give him up. On their part, for not fully knowing the risk.  I pray for help for all of you, to get through this. But all involved are human, and life does include mistakes.. that we have to deal with.

The bigger mistake would be in signing documents that are not what you can commit to and live up to.

No judgement in what I am saying.  Prayers for each of you.

Answer 9

you should have thought this through before you decided to put him for adoption,a child is not a toy and in the future when he is older he will probaby wonder who his mother is , i suggest that since you are his birth mother and have not signed papers you must talk to the lawyers before things get out of hand and your son belongs to these people,just because these people are your friends does not mean that you should let them take your child,but before you go through with this also think about how you can raise this child with 4 other children and college and your home and your life. i know its a lot to think about but your son will soon grow up and you need to think about his needs,if you strongly feel that you need him in your life then talk to them tommorrow, i also live in ontario and know a couple who are adopting in a few days i dont know if they are the same people but talk to your lawyer and get your son back,i wish you the best!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

Oh man, as an adoptive parent, I feel for the parents you have chosen... but now is the time to speak up if you don't want to continue with your son's adoption plan...  You have the right to change your mind.

You're going to be in a very stressful and emotional time during these next few days...  but listen, your son needs for you to make the right decision.  Think hard and do what's best for you and your son.  

BE STRONG FOR HIM.  

As for how to tell them, it's going to be soo hard.  I'd be so very heartbroken, if I were one of the adoptive parents.  But you're not the adoptive parents' parents.  Your your son's parents and some how they've got to know about your change of heart.  It happens.  You're human.  

It seems as though you have a pretty open relationship with them...  in my opinion, you should tell them prior to the meeting, as soon as possible.  Or call them, or call the lawyers... but before the meeting.

Answer 11

listen, I know these are your feelings but place your emotions to the side for what is best for your baby after all there must have been reasons you made this decession in the first place you love this baby but is it any reason to over look the other things

my sister had a baby girl a few years ago, she was going to be placed for adoption my sister choose her new parents, they talked and got to know a little about each other pictures were sent, etc. baby was born and my sister decided to keep baby she is an incredible little girl today and im glad she is ours and in our family but my heart still achs for the family who she was going to belong to

its almost like trading one pain for another, I wish I could give that family a baby it hurts that bad

Answer 12

Oh poor thing.  I myself am a mommy to an adopted child.  So, looking from their point of view...you know that the baby would be greatly taken care of.  Please think long and hard before asking for the baby back.  If I were you...I would consider it a huge gift!  The best gift anyone could ever give in the world.  You will be rewarded tremendously in heaven!  If you decide that you want another baby then try for another one!  But please, think about the baby before you make any drastic changes.  It will be him that it effects in the long run...not you.  Good luck hun.

Answer 13

DON"T SIGN ANY PAPERS,

He is your baby and if you decided to keep him then you should I know you said that you've become Friends with them but believe me your baby is more important than any "Friend" you might have, go get your baby a.s.a.p and don't let them take him anywhere, you want this baby and you should keep him don't let anyone tell you otherwise don't feel like it is their last chance to have a baby they can find another adoptive baby but you can't replace yours, remember that your baby needs you and no matter how great they would be you are his mother and with you he will be better than w/ anyone else . He needs you, his siblings, his FAMILY don't take that away from him he needs you don't let him go get your baby back , and please keep us posted please we would really like to know what happens, I will be praying for you and your baby..

Answer 14

Please don't sign those papers!  It doesn't matter if you consider those people 'friends'.  They cannot force you to sign away your child.  Your son and you deserve to be kept together.  You need to contact the proper authorities and tell them that you are not giving your child up.

Answer 15

I believe in your first post you mentioned that you see your son everyday. When you see him tomorrow you and your husband should BOTH be there. Tell the potential adoptive parents in no uncertain terms that the adoption is off.

Do not sign anything.....do not negotiate with anyone.....take your son home....DO  NOT leave without your son.

As an adoptive parent my heart aches for that couple. At the same time I am very happy for your family.....your son is coming home to a loving family. How can that be a bad thing?

Nmoms change their minds all the time.....it is your right to parent your child. I hope young woman and potential adoptive parents realize that pre-birth matching is simply NOT a good idea.......it could save allot of heartache down the road.

Best of luck with your son.....I will be thinking of your family tomorrow and your in my prayers. And PLEASE remember what I said  "DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT YOUR SON!!!"

Answer 16

I am sure this is difficult and not a easy decision to make.  However, if you aren't considering their feelings at least consider the financial burden that was placed on them.  My suggestion is if you aren't going to allow them to adopt your baby you have a financial obligation to repay any favors that they have given you.

Answer 17

If you are sure you want to keep your son and raise him as part of your family, then you must do just that.  You have created this boy and nurtured him inside you and brought him into the world.  Your body is providing his nutrition, you are his mother.  If you have signed nothing to relinquish this child and there is no adoption order in place, then this boy is still also legally yours.  If you want him back, tell them.  Yes it will be hard for them but they can look for another mother with another baby, you will never be able to find this boy that you created again, and if you do not want to do this, then you will regret it and miss him every day.  This couple will be upset and they may be angry but there is nothing they can do to keep this boy away from you.

So long as you have thought carefully about this then tell them sooner rather than later before they become too attached to him.  They must have realised this was a possibility and I do feel for them but he is your son and no one can force you to give him up.

Even if you are not totally sure and think it may just be hormones, do not sign anything, maybe ask for more time to get your head straight, do not rush into giving him up because you feel guilty or responsible, you owe your son to make the right decision and time needed to make sure that decision is right will be given when it is of such importance.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you and your family.

Answer 18

There are NO guarantees in adoption - and if you can - you SHOULD PARENT THIS CHILD.

This child already has a mother, a father and 4 other sibs.

DO NOT ALLOW THIS CHILD TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU ALL.

Do NOT sign any papers.

TAKE THIS BABY HOME.

I'm wishing and praying for you guys.

Answer 19

sorry you were deleted.  i actually thought your question was one that needed to be posted.

as to not attempt to remember my answer, verbatim (because i simply, can not :-), i'll just hit the points.

-don't sign anything.  

-tell the person who handled your adoption that you wish to inform the aparents of your decision

-don't feel guilty about changing your mind. this is why pre-birth matching is so whacky.  nobody knows how they will feel until after the baby is here.

-don't take the advise of people who believe that "you can just have another one." how absolutely insensitive, rude and ignorant.

-don't take the advise of people who purport to be "a wife of a sport's celebrity", nor have been in your shoes.

-don't take the advise of people who believe that a couple of strangers who have only known your baby for 1 week will hurt more than you. h**l, you knew him for 9 months and if you're expected to "get over it" then why not them?

-dont' take the advise of anyone who diminishes your feelings as "emotional."  this is a ploy to make you feel like you are making this decision because you are emotionally unstable. yet, you were emotionally stable enough (in the eyes of many) to give up your kid?  i wonder how many of these people who think you are so emo would give up their kids?  probably not too many, i postulate. also, many of these people have never been pregnant, or delievered a child. hence they have NO EFFING CLUE what they're talking about.

-YOU ARE NOT A SURROGATE! YOU ARE NOT A SURROGATE! YOU ARE NOT A SURROGATE! and anyone who suggests that you "think of yourself as one" is full of S**t!

-many people who are critical of this have N.E.V.E.R gone through a pregnancy, labor, and delivery; and had people swarming over them for their kid.  it's preditory.

-falling in love with your baby is WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. this is why the adoption folks pounce on your the moment the kid come into the world, and encourage the aparents to not leave the hospital at the same time.

-you are not required to fix the infertility of another person.

-you are not required to give someone your flesh and blood because you originally stated you would.

-hormones have nothing to do with it. you feel the way you do because YOU-LOVE-YOUR-BABY! many aparents can't understand this, because they've never experienced it.

-adoption has no guarantees. the aparents will be upset; yet they will be re-matched and get A baby. you will LOOSE YOUR BABY forever.

-i wish you the very best!

Answer 20

call a lawyer, and do not sign anything.

Answer 21

oh, thats terrible......

I just hope whatever happens is best for the baby.

Answer 22

aww that's soo sad! tell them that you're having second thoughts! they might understand, and if they get mad you can always tell them that you didn't sign any papers so legally the baby is still yours. i hope everything works out! good luck!

Answer 23

This question has been answered before. He is still yours, so you can go and get him if you want to.

You signed nothing at all. If you are serious about wanting him back then you should take him back.

What were your reasons in the first place for thinking of adoption? Can you provide a stable healthy home for him?

In 10 years time which would you regret more? Disappointing this couple or giving your baby away without feeling 100% sure about it?

Answer 24

I'm sorry but there are reasons why you gave up the child.  You are highly emotional and this is a very difficult thing to do.  It will get easier.  Stay strong for him.  You chose the better option for him several months ago.

An open adoption will let you continue knowing him without the day to day responsibilities.

Change your way of thinking to this is a surrogacy.  Raise your four children and give this child to the family that has been planning for him for years.

Answer 25

Having signed no relinquishment documents means YOUR baby is not available to be adopted.  If you never relinquished your child -- which you haven't -- then you just need to explain that your child in not available.  Don't sign ANYTHING.  Contact the attorney about whom you were told first thing Monday A.M. for backup.  

DON'T listen to people who have the audacity to thing that your own flesh and blood child is equivalent to a new TV that you told someone they could have.  Come on...you know better than that even if some of these insightless b***s don't.  

This is YOUR baby.  Legally this is YOUR baby, as well.  No one OWES another person her OWN baby.  You know that.  People who want to adopt are looking for 'A' child.  But relinquishment means losing YOUR child.  Theres are world of difference between 'A' child and YOUR child.

Answer 26

this is coming from an adoptive parent and i have to say

WHAT THE H*LL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?  

you can't just have another one and feel better.  children are not replaceable.  even if your dog dies and you get a new one it's not going to replace the dog you lost.  how the h*ll is a child something you can replace???  you are not giving them a gift.  you have considered giving them a great opprotunity.  now you've decided that you are not going to be the one to provide this opprotunity.  from what you people are saying if this woman can just have another child, then why the h*ll can't this couple just adopt another child?  it's the same thing isn't it?    this couple will never be able to replace the child you want to parent.  you won't be able to replace this child should you choose to let them parent.  this is a living breathing feeling thinking human being, NOT A FRICKING HOUSE PLANT!!!!!!  

as an adoptive parent i can say that yes it will hurt them.  but they should have planned on the possibility of this happening from the beggining.  i know i prayed i would understand had our child's mother decided to parent.  it would have been devastating.  but i didn't feel i was owed or entitled to her child.   yes i wanted to parent this child.  but i understood she wasn't MY child.  after finalization she is my own child, but i still understand that she is not completely MY child.  

you do not owe them your child just because you have become friends and they have prepared for a child.  i would never expect a friend of mine to give me something like a child just because we are friends.   i wouldn't hand over my husband to a friend just because she really wanted one, ok some days sure i would.  lol.   but you get my point.  your child is your child.  it's your decision wether to parent that child or not.  

i'm sorry i do not know the legalities of a canadian adoption, hopefully someone can help you with that.  but it sounds like you are in the timeframe to decide to parent your child.  and if that's what you want to do, then do it.  you don't need to make excuses because you want your child.  there is no reason to justify this.  you want to do it, he's your child.  

don't sign anything.  i'm sure it will be hard, but in court just say you're sorry and you wish to parent him and have him returned to you immediatly.  i would suggest contacting the social workers and legal assitance and let them know now.  do not contact the adoptive parents yourself.  i think that will make things more difficult.  let the social workers and legal help do this for you.  you should not have to have that added stress, and they are trained on how to best handle this.  if they try to tell you that you can't change your mind, find an attorney ASAP.  

you don't owe them your child.  5th or not.  how could you have possibly known what it was going to be like to hand your child over to someone?  it's your child and you have the righ to parent him or not to.

CN~ how awful.  jeez just what an awful statement to make to anyone.  i hope you don't have kids.  they are not replaceable or interchangeable.  you can't just make another one to replace one you've lost.  that is a horrible thing to say and you should be ashamed of yourself.  i sure hope you don't make statements like that on the pregnancy board where your a top contributer.  that is very heartless and just plain incorrect.  i hope you don't have children if you think one can take the place of another.  for someone to say that just makes me sick.  just awful.  shame on you.  you need to rethink your feelings toward human life in general.

what's terrible is your personal opinion.  you really should keep them to yourself.  they are not healthy to think, let alone share.

Answer 27

Don't sign the papers, please don't do it.  I was looking about this because I am very sad that my friend's daughter just signed the papers to give her son in adoption and they can't get him back.  Keep your baby.  I am mother of 3.  You always will find the way to do the best for your baby.  You always can find help for your baby.  Babies bring the best in your life.  We the mothers find strengh always to do the best for our kids.  There is not stronger person in the world than a mother.

Make a favor to the "new" parents.  Let them find a baby without parents, your baby has parents.   If they really want a baby, they will understand that you want to keep your baby.  Nobody can take your baby if you don't sign.  Look for attorney if it is necessary.  There is always help for paying the attorney.

Answer 28

i think you should take him back its better to tell them now than wait 30 days and then take him back they will have already bonded with him then and you would have missed the first few weeks of his life, don't listen to the people who slate you for wanting to be your sons mother! if you was on here wanting to give him up they would slate you for that too, you can obviously look after him as you are already a mother to 4 yes money might be tight but stay in a bit more buy cheaper things it will all be worth it in the end good luck get your son back and keep us posted!

Answer 29

I feel for you but I feel for those people that have put their heart and soul into the little boy you gave birth to. I want to adopt as well but this story is one of the reason my husband and I have not done so. People do alot for those who want to give there child up for adoption and it is not fair to them either. I think you should have taken the time to really think about what you truly wanted before those wonderful people wasted their time and money on you and your family when someone else could have truly used it and not been used. You are not the only ones with feelings. If you can give that baby a better life than they can go ahead keep it but I would sue you for medical exspenses.

Answer 30

Yeah this is exactly why PAP and birthmothers should not be matched till after the baby is born. A very heart wrenching situation since people are going to get hurt and it could have all been avoided.

Best to speak up now since you said you are close to them you need to speak to them and say I have changed my mind, as painfully as it will be and probably even more so since they have a room for him set up at home,  they had to have known that it was a risk.

You might also refer them to adoption.com they have a forum board for failed adoptions, they might feel some comfort talking to people that have experienced what they will be going through. And get hope because  there is a child out there for them somewhere your son is just not meant to be that child.

Answer 31

DO NOT SIGN ANY PAPERS.

Write a letter to the lawyer/agency/facilitator you're using NOW and send it, certified, stating that you want your child back immediately. Save a copy of the letter for yourself. SEND IT CERTIFIED, to make sure you know that the agency/lawyer/facilitator gets it.

In addition to sending the letter, call the agency/lawyer/facilitator right NOW and tell them you want your baby back immediately.

If you haven't signed anything, you should be able to get your son back.

And YOU should not have to tell the potential adoptive parents. The agency/lawyer should handle that for you. If you want to write a little note to them saying you're sorry and that you didn't mean to hurt them, you certainly could, but I honestly wouldn't do that until AFTER you have your son back. Minimize your communication with them right now--you don't want to put yourself at risk for somehow permanently losing your son, or for somehow getting talked into going through with the adoption. Let the agency/lawyer handle this.

Good luck. As a mother who relinquished a child and regrets it every single day.... I am THRILLED to hear that you've realized so quickly how much you love your son and that you're taking steps to parent him. You are absolutely right--adoption is NOT the "easy way" out--good for you for realizing it so quickly. You'll be a GREAT mommy. And don't worry about the adoptive parents--if they truly want to adopt, they'll find another baby. The hole in their heart can be filled with ANY baby; the hole in your heart can only be filled by YOUR baby. It doesn't matter what they've spent: they are not entitled to your child. They'll recover.

(((Hugs))) and good luck.