How do we (my family) accept my brother's wife? We don't like her. ?

Question

My brother just got married and no one from my family attended the wedding. His wife only sent invitations 1 month before and it was in the Cayman Islands. You don't do that. I think she did it on purpose to spite the family. I am sure her family knew for at least a year. But that's not why we don't like her. She and my brother both use to live with my mother until she got into a huge fight with my mother and said some really nasty things. Then my mother threw them out. Since then no one talks to her. I threatened to rip her still beating heart out through her chest and show it to her....for upsetting my mother. But since then (got over it) remained in contact with her and my brother. I don't like her but have remained amicable. Now she has asked me why no one likes her and that she is a part of the family now. She said that my brother is very hurt that my mom didn't acknowledge the wedding. She thinks my mother is mistaken or crazy in regards the to past fight and I just don't know what to say to this delusional girl. I know my brother loves her but this is a person who takes no responsibility for her own actions either. She has never apologized for the incident with my mom. How does she expect anything from us? Right, wrong or indifferent - if someone, anyone - disrespected your mother-what would you do? I don't want to get into it with her but I need to make her understand. Help!!!

Answer 1

She married your brother, not his whole family. As for the fight, forgive and move on. If any of you can't do that then you all have deeper problems than her to deal with.

Answer 2

...threatened to rip her still-beating heart out through her chest and show it to her...(!)

Yeah, it sounds like there's some drama in the family, and it sounds like it's all HER fault.

Yeah.

Answer 3

it sounds like you aren't over it. Besides, you don't mention anything that she did to you, only your mom. Marriage is hard enough by itself. Hating your sister-in-law probably makes it harder on your brother more than anyone. Just forgive her and stay out of it. Your brother loves her. Be the bigger person and let it go.

Answer 4

How much contactWill lyou have with her. Probably not that much. And when you do, just be nice and keep your distance. And your brother should have let his side know about the wedding. That part does not fall on her alone. The thing with your mother, is a little different. Your mother should deal with your brother and he should deal with his wife.

Answer 5

Yowza, your entire family sounds off the wall.  Um, gee, I really want to be close to and care about someone that threatens to rip my heart out - whoop de doo that YOU got over it.  Of course, the thought that maybe your mother might have been at fault too does not seem to have occurred to anyone.  Maybe apologies all around are called for.  Trust me, porkchop - your mother is a big girl, she is not made of glass - she can manage her own relationships with other people.  But clearly, that is not what goes on in your family; everybody has to shove their oar in.  You are all wildly controlling - I mean, "I need to make her understand"!!!??!  News flash, no one can make anyone understand anything until they are darn good and ready.  Just as, for example, I don't believe you will be ready to hear and accept what I have to say, because it is not what you want to hear.   Frankly, they would be well off if they moved far away and had nothing to do with any of the toxic lot of you; none of you have any business making expectations of each other.  

Answer 6

This all sounds kind of juvenile. Is your brother grown? Then he had as much responsibility to tell you about the wedding as she did if not more. Did he not know where it would be? Is the family not speaking to him? I would just have a conversation with your brother and the wife together and explain these feelings. You will never know what someone feels if you don't talk and maybe she doesn't think that it is her fault or know why unless someone breaks it down to her. Maybe she thought that your brother told you all about the wedding then in that case your family is stewing for nothing. Stop guessing and assuming and blaming and act like adults.  

Answer 7

OH good one here (cracks knuckles and sighs) ;)

i think the best thing to do is talk to her in a friendly manner...believe me i have the same problem...yea you don't know where to start to make the girl understand...explain to her that mom is hurt because of this or that and tell her maybe the best thing to do is give an apology..i love my brother and if he's gonna be blinded by her then so be it but i still love him dearly cause i'd want my hubby to support me and have my back, i've never said anything to hurt the girl but if i had too then i have to, in order for her to understand..since you have remained the bigger person and she obviously communicates more with you then for you to tell her and give her advice how to be with the fam i'm sure she'll understand and remind her there are no hard feelings cause you don't want to risk losing your brother to some witch who casts her spells so strongly on him that he eventually fades away from the family...oh and the wedding thing howcome HE didn't mention it to you guys i'm sure he knew just as long as she did..i would've went for my brother no matter how ugly the girl is..i want him to know how much i support him no matter the situation, nothing hurts more then family not being there when you're counting on them

hope this helps goodluck ;)

Answer 8

My mom is a big girl and can take care of herself.  If someone did something stupid like that, Mom wouldn't need me to stick up for her..she would have thrown daughter-in-law out on her ***.. Still, maybe you can tell your new sis-in-law that the way she handled the invitations was tacky and many of her new family felt left out because she handled the situation poorly, so if she wants to get along with the family better, it's time to start making amends.

Answer 9

Why is it her fault that your family only had one month notice and not your brothers fault?  It sounds like she gets all the blame while he escapes unscathed.

It sounds like you must make the decision to leave the past where it belongs and constantly work at not throwing it in anyone's face, work towards the future.  Bite your tongue even when it's hard because no one is perfect and you've probably upset them too but they let it slide.

Unfortunately these are the things you have to do to keep good with family.  Trust me, we have a very similar story in our family too and it's a constant struggle.

Answer 10

No you don't need to make her understand. You need to make amends and heal this situation. She is your brothers wife whether your family likes it or not. I am sure your mother and her had a terrible fight. I am sure they have both said some very bad things. But, that is in the past and you need to move on with the future. I have seen this many times before. What your family really wants is to know your brother loves you guys more than he loves her. It is not going to happened. By acting this way you are only going to lose your brother. It is time for the whole bunch of you to act more mature. The only one you are hurting is your brother. If you truly love him you will drop this and try to be a healer not someone who tries to convince your sister in law she is evil.

Answer 11

I admire the family loyalty. Having said that I also want to look at how the wife sees this and it probably feels like being ganged up on.

First of all your sister-in-law is only half the decision of where to get married. Your brother obviously approved the Cayman Isl.

Its terrible to have a young woman verbally attack her elder! Yes she needs to take responsibility for it. But you nor any other family member can insist she apologize because that kind of "I'm sorry" is seldom sincere.

You can and should be honest as to your feelings. You can say: " I can only speak for myself: I still feel the burn of your harsh treatment of my mother. Right or wrong she is an elder and should always be respected. That's my ethics and all of us were raised with the same ethic so...

It might be mended if you would be part of our family on your insides and apologize to mother.

We really want to like you but until this hurdle is met, its difficult.

Answer 12

What is done is done and you have 2 choices

#1 let things continue as they are and keep the family torn apart

#2 Let bygones be bygones and move past it so the family can be one again.

People like her will never understand no matter how well you explain it.

As for your mother, she is a grown woman and can take care of herself. What happened is between them. Mind your own business so they can work it out or you will lose your brother.

Answer 13

Your brother could have let you guyus in on the fact that the wedding would be in the cayman Islands.  

I woouldnt represent the family and speak for them.  Let them speak for themselves about wether they have issues with her.  Encourage her to go straight to the source.  

Their married now.  Not much you can do.  Just be friendly when you see her but dont go out of your way to communicate with her.

Why is your brother sitting back andnot participating in all of this?  His wife, his family, seems kinda odd for him to not have a say in the matter.

Answer 14

Getting married, DOES NOT make you part of the family. You have to earn that respect. Just tell her, she wants to earn some respect and make nice with the family, then she should apologize. If she isn't prepared to do that then its on her shoulders.

Answer 15

How about getting over yourselves?

You are the one who should be apologizing because what you said was crazy and creepy.

I'm sure she didn't send out the invites so late on purpose, that makes no sense whatsoever. Ever consider that she might just be a little disorganized? Since when is that a crime? And if her parents knew about it a year beforehand, then who is really at fault? Obviously, your brother should have communicated it since I am pretty sure he knew about it too. And I'm sure he knew about the destination as well.

And as for "upsetting" your mother, what are you, the mafia? When people live together, they get into disagreements, sometimes even big ones. Who cares? It's called life, buddy. Maybe she hasn't apologized because maybe she thinks she was right? Who are you to say right or wrong unless you were there.

It sounds like you are a twelve year old living in a video game fantasy world.

My advice is to man up, apologize, and start treating her as a part of your family...since she is.

Answer 16

I remember being married into a family that didn't like me and it wasn't fun or healthy. I did nothing for them to hate me either. It was the simple fact that I wasn't considered good enough for her son. Everyone agreed with her so I felt alone and sad. I think that everyone should have stayed out of the fight because I'm sure that your mom has forgotten it..If not, she should for your brother. He's feeling the hurt because he loves her and wants you all to except her like family. So forget about it and move on.  

Answer 17

get over it and move on..

you don't have to like your sister in law.

you have to be civil  to her for his sake

if you don't you will lose your brother and be on here again asking why wont he talk to us....

just deal with it ..

it was his wedding too so he is just as much at fault as she is . you just don't want blame him b/c you don't want to believe that he would not want you there..  

Answer 18

They are MARRIED. Get it? Their marriage IS THEIRS. You can explain you have nothing against her pressingly and would love them to have another MARRIAGE her for you if they'd like to do it. If not, try to celebrate an anniversary with them. This is if you want to. Same with other family members.

I really believe what is needed IS family counseling without the married couple: your mother and you so the truth comes out in front of a therapist. maybe he Will call your mother in her BS and claim racism or whatever. Sounds likje my mother the crazy one.

It might be that mom might have to offer an apology. If she refuses, maybe you could deMand she act like a mature adult and DO it, and never say anything disrespectful about or to her daughter in law or her son.

It also might be mom is totally right, or the truth lies in between. I actually believe mom is very very wrong and I'vie seen this before. ...Mom  might not have diplomacy in how she dealt with her and might have lost her son forever because if this.

So be it. It is actually not your concern. And if you mother tries to make you chose between her and them, chose them. The reason is she is the past, bother is the future.  

Answer 19

Noe where do u state your brother attempting to a peace this situation. This is his wife and the one that needs to try to find a happy medium is ur brother. Because she is now married to ur brother does not mean that all the family has to love her or even like just be respectful and courteous when she is in your presence.  

Answer 20

you and ur mother need to continue to love and stay in contact and knowledge to your brother, after all he is your family, u don't just shut him out cuz of his wife. Whether you like or dont like the outsider, u always have to love ur family and accept the others they're with. That's maturity about it...