How do you adopt a child from a living mother?

Question

My step-daughter is attached to a 3 year-old girl living next door who has a slightly below-average life style. Her mother seems to not want to care for the child and I and my daughter question if the mother would really like to keep her child. The child has continuosly said, "Oh, you can have her," and frankly, doesn't have very good mothering skills.

What is the process for adopting this child and how long would it take. What are the terms for adoption; living condition checks on birth mother and adopted mother, abuse checking, etc.

Thank you,

Mary

Answer 1

If you feel so strongly about helping,i suggest you offer to babysit the child,to make the mother's life easier.you could help out by giving food,offering clothes your step daughter has grown out of,etc. i am sure the mother would appreciate this help,more than losing her child.

Answer 2

Wow, you got some nerve, lady.  Number one: she is not the child's "birth" mother...she is the child's MOMMY.  Number two: since when did you decide what was the required "lifestyle" to raise a child?  I'm a single mom, I bust my a$$ to provide for my child.  Does she get top of the line clothes- no, does she get toys whenever she wants- no, is she loved- ABSO-f***in'-LUTELY!  Does she get three meals a day, a room to call her own- YES.  The idea that you want to take this child away her her MOMMY just because you think she is below your ideals of raising a child is atrocious....let alone because your child has a fancy towards this child like a damned pet.  God, you are making me think of the Planet of the Apes remake when the little girl monkey wanted that little human child as a pet!!!!!!!  Despicable woman!  Unless this child is genuinely abused, mind your own damned business!  Being a single mom is hard.  What you see as indifference towards her child could be nothing more than exhaustion from working her butt off to support that child!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and when we tell people "You can have 'em", we honestly don't expect anyone to take us seriously.  You must not have a sense of humor.

Answer 3

I've had to read this several times just to wrap my mind around it.  I'm flabbergasted that a mother would rather just take another woman's child than see if there's anything she can do to help.  Wow.

So her lifestyle is what you call "slightly below average."  Her mother could use some help with learning better parenting skills.  You don't say there is any child abuse.  Being a single mother is tough!  It takes a lot.  But you don't seem to be the least bit interested in the daughter losing her mother or the mother losing her daughter.  I'm very disgusted by this question.

If you really cared about this little girl, you'd care about the family.  You would care about helping the mom out, finding out what she needs, pointing her in the right direction.  But, no, you'd rather just take her daughter.  After all, your step-daughter is "attached" to her.

Ughhh!!

eta:

The reference that you make to this little girl's mother as "birth mother" is so wrong.  She's not the "birth mother" as the term in used in adoption.  That would imply parental rights had been relinquished or lost.  She is the child's MOTHER.  Why would anyone ever have to do "living condition checks" on a "birth mother?"  "Birth mothers" have given up or lost their parental rights, so there would be no reason for an evaluation.  Such evaluations are made on mothers (and fathers) if there is reason to believe abuse/neglect is occurring.  

No parental rights have been relinquished, nor does it sound like the mother actually has any intention of relinquishing her parental rights.  This child is not eligible to be adopted, nor do you give any valid reasons as to why she should be.

Answer 4

Casually saying, "you can have her" is hardly the same as having the mom legallly sign her child away.  Living a slightly below average lifestyle is not an indictment that would have parental rights terminated.  And finally, this 3 year old IS NOT A PET THAT YOU CAN ADOPT BECAUSE YOUR SD HAS TAKEN A SHINE TO HER!!  There is no "process" for taking someone's child away.  I know a lot of people whose parenting skills aren't the best, but that doesn't mean that their children should be taken away.  If you want to help this child, look into local resources that would help the mom learn better parenting skills and maybe help them raise their standard of living a little, and then share the info you find with the mom.  Don't take some holier-than-thou stance that makes you think you deserve to take her kid!  Geez!

Answer 5

"The WICKED snatch fatherless children from their mother's b*****s, and take a poor man's baby as a pledge before they will loan him any money or grain." Job 24:9

Answer 6

I hope someone tries to take your child from you someday, and see how you like it.

Just because you don't like the way another person lives and you happen to covet their child is NOT a basis for going out and forcing an adoption.

And people wonder what's wrong with adoption these days?

UNBELIEVABLE.

Answer 7

YOU DON'T r****d!

Answer 8

You say she doesn’t have good mothering skills can you be more specific ? What do you consider a below average lifestyle?

This girls mother would have to sign her rights away in order for you to adopt her.  If she is deemed unfit the child could be taken away and put into FC, typical if this happens parents are given a chance to better themselves. If not then the parents rights are terminated by the courts and the child can be adopted. However whether you would get to adopt her if she does go through FC. Where is the child’s father? He too would have to sign his rights away. My advice is just to keep an eye on her if you see any signs of child neglect please alert the police.

If she was taken away from her mother it’s unlikely that she would be allowed to be adopted so close to her mother.

Answer 9

Yes being a single parent is hard and they do tend to live 'below average' but I assume you mean below average like she never takes care of her child...Maybe you could just talk to the mother and see what she says? My mother (who was a single parent) adopted three kids that way..actually she just had legal custody of them.

Answer 10

Well if you have concerns for the child safety or you feel the mother is not providing the basic needs of shelter, clothing, or food, you dont adopt the child, you call Child and Family Services and let them know the childs safety is at risk.  Then they come out and assess the situation.  They will either keep the child with the bio family and provide them with services to improve their living conditions or they will remove the child and allow the parents to improve their living situation for the child to return.  Just because the mother SIMPLY said you can have her was most defintely NOT an invitation to take her!!!  WHy dont you offer her some help instead of trying to figure out how to take the child.  BTW, CFS does not remove children that easily in most states, especially for what you may consider to be "slightly below average life style"

Answer 11

Ok, first of all, you mention your  STEP daughter has an attachment. Have you any biological children?  Somehow I think not, because if you DID, you would understand that there is a sacred bond between a mother and child that begins at conception.

Every time an pregnant mother feels her child kick or sees him/her on the ultrasound screen or hears that heartbeat, that bond grows.

By the time the baby is born, the mother and child have had 9 months of bonding. The baby knows it's mother's voice and smell FROM BIRTH. If a newborn is taken from it's mother it grieves for her.

Now imagine 3 more years of bonding time. You say the mother "seems to not want to care for the child" How do you know what is in another woman's heart?

Maybe she wants more than anything to buy her daughter those fancy clothes and a Barbie Dream House. But guess what? A lot of parent can't buy their kids every little thing they want. And it's a good thing too because that my friend is how you get a child who is so spoiled society can't stand them.

As for the mother's comment, "you can have her" we ALL say things as a figure of speech. Just last night two of my kids seemed to be in a contest to see who could drive me and my hubby crazy the fastest and I said to him "Can't we just trade them in on a kitten or something?"  

Did I mean I wanted him to bundle up the kids, drop them of at CPS and bring me home a cuddly calico? Absolutely NOT. Had he (or anyone else) tried taking them out of the house I would have fought them like a tiger.

Please, for the love of God, do NOT approach this woman about adopting her child. You would offend her beyond belief and well as make a complete and total *** of yourself.

If you think her lifestyle is "slightly below average" what can you do to help this mother AND her child?  Perhaps since your step daughter is so attached, you could offer to babysit free of charge while the mom worked. As a one time single mom, I know how much of a bite child care takes out of your paycheck. (btw, there was a time I wish my lifestyle had only been slightly less than average,)

Oh and if you really want to adopt a child, call your local CPS, there are tons of great kids sitting in foster homes who are available for adoption and would love to have a home.

Answer 12

My mother used to tell my sister (when they were fighting) that she would take her to the orphanage.  (Once she even had my sister pack a bag.)  As a single mom, trying to take care of four kids, I'm pretty sure our lifestyle seemed "below-average."  I'm glad you weren't living next door to try to take us away.

Answer 13

ok.. wow

mary, with all due respect, what you might perceive as "below average lifestyle" might very well be your opinion of what a good lifestyle is.  h**l, i might live next door to you and conclude, based on my current lifestyle, that YOU have a below average lifestyle. hence, by your logic, i should be able to adopt your kids, right?

what mothering skills scale are you measuring this woman?  is it that she's overtly abusive?  is the child unkept?  does that child appear hungry all the time?  is there evidence of neglect? sexual abuse? these are objective measures which a CPS worker would look for in determining a parent's unfitness.

in addition, many families raise children in modest situations.  i remember sharing a room with my two brothers until i was 10.  my father worked double shifts for little money and was frequently not home. hence, my mother (who worked as a domestic) was basically a single mother. we lived in the housing projects. we shared clothes.  i also remember my parents receiving "food pantry gift cards" when times were really tough. but, what i remembered most, was the free tickets to the museum and ballet from my mother's employer; my father (on his off-days) judging our 'talent shows' because we couldn't afford to go to the movies, the trips to the library, and the 'sprinkles with the water hose' when the air conditioning broke.  AND, we never missed a meal, a bath, and always knew we were loved.

when i was about 11 or 12. my father landed a good job and my mother went back to college. in other words, we went from "below-average" to working/middle class in a matter of months.  yet, based on your assessment, we should have been snatched up by the first family who could buy us "under-roos" (i'm dating myself), fly us to disney world and take us on play-dates to "chuck-e-cheese!"  

was my mother stressed?  yes.  did she make comments like, "i wish i could give you all more?"  yes.  did people think that she was neglectful and not providing for us? sure. was she a bad mother?  h**l NO!  did we suffer from this lifestyle? NO. my two brothers and i all have college educations, families and are doing quite well. and do NOT feel as if we were abused or neglected.

in other words, i feel offended for this woman that you would have the audacity to think it's appropriate to take her kid; and judge her ability to parent based on nothing more than pure conjecture and opinion. you've mentioned nothing regarding abuse or neglect. yet your opinion that she "seems to not want her child." if you are truly concerned, why not offer to help?  share childcare with her. or h**l, just try and be a supportive friend. honestly, she sounds stressed. there are many things you can do besides trying to take her kid. and quite honestely, if i were the woman and i knew that you were scheming on my baby, i'd have YOU investigated.

lastly: birthmother??? you've got some nerve.

i think your behavior is inappropriate.

ETA: sunny- that was priceless.

Answer 14

there is alot more to it than that. You have to know for sure she and the bio father will sign termination of parental rights and you will probably have to go thru an adoption homestudy...background checks, numerous interviews, reference checks.  But most importantly, I don't think you really know what goes on at their house. Just because she not visibly lead the kind of life you approve of doesn't make her a bad mom.

Answer 15

Honestly, rather than trying to take this child away from her mother, I think you need to ask yourself what can you do to help improve things for this child ?

Often in todays society we are way too quick to judge others.

Did you ever stop to think that perhaps this mother was having a bad day when she said you could have her?

It seems to me that because the mother is a single mother, you are being very quick to judge her & make what can be an already stressfull situation worse for her (and therefore that child too).

Rather than try to take over as "mommy" to the child, and put the mother down for "below average life style" why don't you try to take both the mother & the child under your wing, a little understanding can go a long way.

If the child is in actual harm, than by all means call child protective services and let them evaluate the situation.

Answer 16

Hi Mary,

Sorry.  You may not adopt that child because she is not available for adoption.  She is living with her mother.  Adoption is for children who either do not have parents, or other relatives, or for children whose parents have had their rights terminated in court.  

You do not know the extent of that mother's love for her child.  Is this child in danger?  Being poor is NOT a reason to have your child taken away from you.  I think that's a terrible idea to even contemplate.  I'm sure that little girl loves her mother and would be devastated if someone were to try to separate them.  If you don't want to help them, then I recommend you not bother that family unless you know of real evidence of abuse to her.  Even if she were to be removed from her mother, you would not get custody of her.

julie j

Answer 17

Whoa.

Do you go after people's husbands, too?

Answer 18

Um, you report any neglect to social services and they WORK with the family to assist.  Only they can decide if a mother is unfit, not you.

Oh, and my mom said "you can have her" to many people over the course of my childhood, it was not an actual cry to have someone take me away, just more her frustration!  Its like when I say I could kill my husband he drives me crazy, i really don't mean it, just exaggerated (and I guess inappropriate) venting.