How do you answer the question "how many children do you have?"?

Question

I've been asked this question many times since the birth and subsequent adoption of my son. I never really knew what to say. I was uncomfortable excluding my son because I still feel that I am his mother and he will always be my child but if I include him it may lead to more question and I will have to tell them he was adopted which is also uncomfortable. Any advice? Birthmoms, how have you handled this one?

Answer 1

I'm an adoptive mom and I know that my daughter's bmom includes her when speaking about her children. Her other children also speak of my daughter as their sister.

Answer 2

I know alot of people are going to be mad at what I say But it's fact. I would say the children that I'm being a true mother to. Not the one I chose not to be a parent to. That is the adopted couple or mom to claim.

           So if you have 3 children and 2 you kept and one for whatever reason you felt not to raise then you should say 2.

Answer 3

Know one knew MY DAUGHTER was adopted until my daughter told them. I have 5 kids, not 3 bio and 2 adopted.

Answer 4

It depends on whom I'm speaking to I guess.  If it's some stranger at the store, I say;  I have 2 girls and a boy I'm raising (or at home).  When it comes to everyone else...I'm open about my other child.  It's been many years since my child was adopted, and I'm just now starting to deal with the loss.  Since I've really started dealing with it, I've noticed it much easier to talk about the child.

Answer 5

I am an adoptive parent with a great relationship with my boys birth mom, I love her answer...3 to love, 1 to hold if she knows the person...if it is a random question from a stranger she tells them "just enough to keep me busy!".  Both of my boys also know that they have another brother.

Answer 6

Well adoption means that you seeked this child to become part of your life, so the boy is your child.  Include him.

Answer 7

Thats really funny i asked the very same question. For me she'll always be my little girl in a sense that she's a part of me like your son is to you. I tell eveyone at work even coustumers who know me about her and the little things she does. Anyone who gets close to me though they know about the adoption but other then that i'm proud of the little baby i bought into this world and i know i'm not mommy doesnt mean i still dont want to brag alittle though

Answer 8

I don't have any children other than the son I placed for adoption, so "do you have kids" has come to seem like an (unintentional) trick question. After almost five years of trying out various answers, my tendency (like many others posted above) is to answer "no" to casual questions from people who are just making conversation, but to be very open about the adoption with family, friends, and long-term acquaintances. Explaining the adoption  to people I'm going to know for 10 minutes is pretty much like telling someone my mother just died, I declared bankruptcy last week, and my boss is sleeping with my husband to someone who asked "How's it going" as they passed me in the hallway. Way more info than they really wanted or know what to do with.

Answer 9

I include my daughter who I gave up for adoption because she is still my daughter and I still do play a part in her life.

Answer 10

i have two sons that are with me, and a daughter that I gave up fo r adoption at birth.

That's how:)

Answer 11

It depends on how well you know the person and the nature of the conversation.

If it's just a general, "Oh, do you have any kids," then I think you're best off to only count the kids that live under your roof, that the person might actually see in your company if you ran into each other at the mall or grocery store.

If it's a closer friend, then of course, talk about the son that you placed for adoption.

You're absolutely right that it can lead to more questions - so unless you feel like it's a good time to share, I'd keep it simple.  

You know in your heart that you're still connected to that child, and your intent matters.

Answer 12

I claim all of my children, and when they ask if my two 7 years olds are twins, I just say no, me and dad were and are busy, lol.

I only ever exclude my non-birth child when the dr asks.

Answer 13

Be proud of all your children and add the adopted child in your total.

It ought to be discussed openenly from day one so as not to become 'The Big Secret'

Congrats on all your family :)

Answer 14

Ask them why they wish to know or Tell them you don't discuss your family with strangers.

Answer 15

I have 3 kids, one lives with my aunt.

My daughter is very light skin and has straight hair...I'm opposite.  They always ask me if she is adopted when they hear her call me mom.  I laugh it out and simply explain that my ex-husband is her color and that I'm mixed.  I don't get mad or defensive.  Not a biggie.

Answer 16

you really were interested in adopting him right.....!

Then y do u think about the societies stupid question.........? If u feel that u r his mother then love your son as your SON and so he will love you more, BUT never reveal that he has been adopted......it is proud to say he is my son or she is my daughter.... as if ur mom and dad was proud of u..... dont get guilty feeling love ur son truely..............

Answer 17

I am not a Birthmom,but i am adopted and met my birthmom 9 yrs ago.she had confided in her closest friends about me,but  had only mentioned her 2 other children when anyone else asked.as soon as we met in 1999,she immediately starting telling anyone who would listen!.i even ended up working with one of her old classmates,who had sat with her at lunch in school when she was pregnant,and did not know!.it has not bothered me that only her family and close friends knew.because in her heart,she knew she had 3 children,so that was all that mattered really.if she had carried on keeping me a secret after we met-well,that would have been very different.

Answer 18

To close friends explain that you had another child but he was adopted, and to not so close friends, just say that you have two wonderful children. Also, I can see just putting it out there as a good thing so that you don't have "the big secret" like one commenter has already said. You should answer to your comfort level.

Good luck!

Skatergurljubulee

ps- some people should read the question before they comment. Yeesh!  8O)

Answer 19

People generally want to know how many children you have that you currently have. Your son is no longer part of your family, he is someone else's.  Bringing it up to casual acquaintance is really just painful, so I'd hold it off until you have an actual friendship going. It's not rude. It's just information that is irrelevant to a casual acquaintance.