How do you ask your adoptive parents for your paperwork?

Question

I'm in my thirties and I'm very curious about my birth mother. My parents are great people, and I had a happy childhood and good relationship with them as an adult---they are also wonderful grandparents to my children. I just want to make it clear that I was/am in no way unhappy with them.

The person I think I need to have understand this is my mother. She has told me in the past that she has all of my information in her possession, all I need to do is ask for it. However, she has also made it clear on more than one occasion that she would be devestated if I did ask her for it. I'm between a rock and a hard place. Any advice?

Answer 1

As an adotped child, you have the right to know, if it is made available. If she has the info, then the bio mother probably has no problem with you searching for her. On the other hand..as a human being, you need to make sure that you don't hurt your "real" parents. I know you know this already. Maybe approach her for "medical reasons"...if one of your children become ill and your adoptive mom isn't around, Drs may need to know medical history, etc....God Bless...(reassure your adotpive parenst that they are the REAL parents in your life and your childrens' lives.)

Answer 2

Try to explain the importance to you.  I think I would first ask her why it would devastate her for you to want to have this information.  I hope after all of these years and you being an adult that she wouldn't feel threatened by this.  Reassure her about your feelings towards her.  Basically just what you have said here.  I too would be curious and would want to meet the person who gave me life.  

There is enough love in us to spread around, it happens in broken homes all the time....many people have 2 sets of parents.

Answer 3

It's clear you don't want to hurt your mother, and making that clear to her would be the best thing to do. Though, your mother may be unconsolable despite any attempt to reassure her.

I feel, you need to listen to yourself.

If this a road you want to go down, I would pursue it.

Ultimately, if you talk with your mom about it, try to comfort her and she still has a problem with what you are doing, you're mother will have to work out whatever issues she has about it within herself.

Answer 4

u are an adult who is entitled to this info.

its like telling a child "i hid your gift in my closet but if you go look u will be in trouble" WHAT THE HECK?!?

just explain to them how much they mean to you like you just wrote to us!

maybe you could say u want the records for health reasons.

Answer 5

your gonna have to just come out and say it. it is your right to know and make sure your mom knows that you dont regret anything, you just need to know where you came from.

Answer 6

I am trying not to be disrespectful towards any adoptive parents, but why do some of them make it so hard to want to find info on bio relatives?  Didn't they realize when adopting that one day they would have to face this hurdle.  I feel almost guilt ridden for wanting to see my adoption records.  But why should I have to?  I already feel somewhat akward being adopted, now I am made to feel bad if I want to know the truth about my life.  

I am sorry I don't have an answer for the author of this post but I know how you feel.

Answer 7

You can have the paperwork but know in advance that it will break my heart...that is not fair!  That information is yours, not hers.  I am sorry to be so blunt, but she is holding it hostage and forcing you into an impossible choice.  Can I ask...is this breaking YOUR heart?

You're just going to have to tell her.  Tell her it is time for her to make good on her promise.  What about your dad?  Could he get it for you?  But if she finds out later, the results might be even worse than the up-front truth.

I have always believed that I have four parents.  All of them are real since none of them is imaginary.  All have played an important role in my life.

Answer 8

tell your mum that your happy with her, explain how much you are grateful for her bringing you up, and being a wonderful parent/grandparent, but you are just curious about where you actually came from.

after you ask, tell her again that you want to mae sure she realises how much she means to you, and by asking her this, you do not mean that you are unhappy with her as a mum.

i hope this helps :]

Answer 9

I'm sorry your adoptive mother is so unkind.

I guess you'll have to play her game and ask for it.

As good as your adoptive parents may be, they can't provide you with genealogical, historical, and medical information that is important to you and your children.

Answer 10

Tell her that you want it for medical history on both your birth mother and birth father. That is something that she can not help you with. Her family medical history is virtually usless to you in case something happed down the road to you or one of your children. She couldnt possibly be upset with that could she? That is exactly what happened to my bdaughter. Her son was having medical problems and we needed to find her bfather. What was happening to her son had happened to a relative on her bfathers side.

Answer 11

I THINK THAT U SHOULD JUST LET THEM KNOW THAT U ARE HAPPY BUT U WILL ALOSO LIKE 2 KNOW WHO YOUR REAL PARENTS ARE AND THAT U WILL LIKE 2 ASK THEM QUESTIONS TELL THEM BUT WITH OUT HURTING THEM

Answer 12

Let her know you are not trying to hurt her, but that you would like this information not only for yourself, but for your children.  Present it the same way you did to us: That you are very happy and you consider them your parents.

I don't really think it is fair of her to put you in that position.  From a purely medical standpoint, she is keeping potentially vital information from you.  Plus, as an adoptive mother, she needs to understand your feelings on the matter - not just take her own into consideration.

I do not envy you at all - I am super lucky - I think my a-mom is more interested in finding my b-parents than I am!!!

Good luck to you!!

Answer 13

Ask her for it straight out.  This information belongs to you.  Your mom has no right to practice emotional blackmail on you over your own heritage, which is exactly what she is doing when she says "I have this, just ask me for it--if you want to break my heart."  You are not responsible for her feelings about it.

Tell her that you are not looking for another mother to replace her, but only to answer questions about your own origins that she, and all non-adoptees have and take for granted.

Best of luck.

Answer 14

When I was first reading your information that goes along with the question, I thought that was an easy answer, since most adoptive parents know from the begining that one day you will ask.  But then when you said she would be devistated; that makes it more tricky.  What concerns me is that she bothered to tell you that she had the paperwork/ information.  Hmm, Perhaps you could do some investigating by yourself. First, I would get in a conversation with her about her younger years and what made them decide to adopt. (you could get some leads that way ie: names of agencies or cities ect.)  If all else fails you could talk to your Dad.  You could tell him that you are curious and don't want to hurt your Mom and tell him how grateful you are to have them.  He may decide to give you the information you were looking for without ever telling your Mom.  Men are alot less emotional in that way and would realize that your love for them would not change.  I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor.  You sound like a very caring person and I am sure your children are very lucky to have you as their Mother.

Answer 15

love your adoptive parents. they are the one who really took cared of you. you might be just curious having interest to see your biological parents but you might not know that you are already hurting your adoptive parents who really took cared of you. they love you and treated you like their own child knowing the fact that you are not their own blood.