How do you ask your spouse to keep you out of his family's life?

Question

My husband's family is absolutely terrible. I was raised to have manners, to clean up after myself, to have good hygiene, and to respect other people's belongings/ house rules. My in-laws defy every one of those things I just mentioned. When they come to my house to visit my baby, I'm about ready to have a stroke and I flip out on hubby after wards. They haven't been to visit in a month (hallelujah!) and my relationship with hubby has been the best it's been since we were in our honeymoon stage of marriage two years ago. Our anniversary (2 yrs!) is next month! Everything's going great except for that baggage he calls "family."

How do I ask that he goes and visits them instead of having them over? Sometimes they just invite themselves over by calling and asking what we're doing. If hubby says we're having a cookout, they assume we invited them and they say they'll be over at 5.

My in-laws live 35 minutes away in the city and they're desperate to get out of the city and move to the country.... closer to us. I want my husband to set some boundaries and when I say I don't want them over, he still allows them over. (Even when chicken pox was going around in their household)

So how do I achieve happiness of never having to prepare the house for his guests again? Should I say, "Can't you go visit them?" :)

Answer 1

I appreciate the fact that they drive you crazy, but I don't think it's right to ask him not to invite his own family over.  Okay, so they're different from you.  That doesn't mean that they're bad people.  They love their son and want to see their grandchild.  I understand that life is easier for you when they're not around, but no one said that married life had to be easy.  

You might benefit by him catching them before they come over.  If they ask what's going on, he could say that he's just on his way out to a location close to theirs--and it might be better if he dropped by to see them.  But this can only happen so often during the month or else they'll become suspicious.  The last thing you want is for them to know that it's you who doesn't want them around--then it will place him right smack dab in between the two of you, which would make things very difficult on your man.  You don't want that, I'm sure.

Answer 2

That is exactly what you should say to him.  They are his family and of course he should be around if he wants to be, but he needs to respect that you don't want to.  Of course, the baby will make it more difficult because they will want to spend time w/ him (her?).  My in-laws are much  like yours and it has caused some relationship problems w/ us.  Things are better now but only because I have had to be a bi*ch at times and let them know when they have crossed the line w/ me.  You can't always do that in a nice way so I am not always popular w/ them.  And you can't always expect your husband to deal w/ them, because he just won't do it.  Men are wimpy when it comes to setting boundaries w/ their parents.  That leaves it up to you to do that, especially when it comes to your baby.  You will just have to say, "I'm the mom and I say what goes."   We live in the country and my in laws live across they yard.  It sucks.  Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

That would drive me batty too. You have to put up with people that don't have manners (consideration and respect for others), good hygiene (so they are dirty and smelly), and are into all of your stuff. You have a baby that you want to protect. I think you should try to talk to your husband and tell him the problems you have with his family. Maybe there is a solution here including one where he is responsible for entertaining them (keeping an eye out) when they visit.

edit: Maybe you need to be more assertive with them. Could I ask a small favor? Please don't move my stuff around. I have it where it is for a reason.

edit: It's too bad that you can't say, is there a problem with your shower?

edit: My inlaws are hickish but we rarely see them. TG! I like his mom because she's outgoing. His dad is a grump.

Answer 4

You need to talk to your husband about your feelings about your in-laws. Remember you are putting him in the middle of all of this and making him pick you over his parents and family.

One thing you could do that would make everyone happy is invite them over once a month or every other month. By you inviting them you have some control over when they come over and for how long. Also, this will make them happy as well as your husband. Let your husband know that you would prefer that he go to their house and visit with them more. You should also go some of the time also.

How would you feel if your husband didn't like your family and didn't what them around at all.  

Answer 5

You can't just cut them out of your life & not let them see your child.  You can definitely ask your husband to set some ground rules but let's face it.  You're never going to like these people.  Even if it's only once a month you'll still be pulling your hair out on that ONE day.  That's a tough spot for your husband to be in too you know?  Just compromise.  You can't have it your way 24/7.