How do you become assertive in a relationship which is built upon you postponing your dreams for his?

Question

I have been in a relationship with my bf for 5 years and although we are deeply in love, we have different views of the future. I want to get married and have children but he wants to wait until he is financially stable. We are both 22 and living together. I am afraid that I will end up resenting him because I have developed the habit of setting aside my dreams for him (even though he has never asked me to). I have always invested every inch of my being into our relationship and now I do not know what I should do in order to express my feelings on these two issues.

Answer 1

You are only 22.  You have so many  more years to have kids.  I had my first child at 35 and my second at 41.  I am so glad we had the chance to enjoy our lives together before our two girls came along.  Kids are hard work, enjoy  your free time now.

Answer 2

I have been there girl. you are still young. let him make some money and feel good about himself before you have kids. because he will resent you if you pressure him too much, my husband resented me for it and it almost finished our marriage. and while he is figuring himself out, use that time to build your own career and financial future and do something you love. do not be a martyr. do not set your dreams aside because they will come back to haunt you in the future and then you will feel resentful towards him. better yet, go to counseling with him to figure out your expectations from each other. i wish i did that when i was younger, because that would have saved me so much pain.

Answer 3

It's best to tell you that he not ready then to have children at least he's honest about it. Give him some time and don't press it. Maybe he'll think differently. Having  a child can get really expensive.

Answer 4

Why dont you..work and save together and let time take its course...you are only 22 and i dont know why you are in rush.....chill out  

Answer 5

How do you expect to care for children without being financially stable? Whether or not your difference in plans is a problem depends on HOW long he wants to wait.  If he doesn't want kids till he is 30 than that may be a problem for you. You should be completely honest and tell him what your hopes are for the future including a time frame, and if you can't come to an agreement, then you'll either have to be very patient or perhaps move on and find someone who wants the same things you do.  

Answer 6

Well honestly, on those two items, I'd have to say your boyfriend is right.  Ok well maybe not the marriage i guess it depends on what type of wedding you want.

It comes down to a matter of responsibility, if this is what your boyfriend really feels i'd say hang on to that guy, he's smart.   Your only 22 years old, a few years is not going to make that much of a difference.

Would you really want to bring a child into this world, when by doing so it causes you to have to file for state aid to be able to afford to live?  Sure plenty of people do it, but those are the idiotic moronic trash people, you don't want to be one of those.  It sounds like your boyfriend wants to make sure he can afford to support and raise his child in an environment where the child doesn't end up having rats for playmates, this is a very good thing.

Now however on the wedding he could probably budge, it depends the type of wedding that you are willing to settle for having.  If you want to have one of those big fairy tale princess weddings that you have always dreamed about then you both are going to have to be financially stable, those things can end up costing $30,000 and thats just for the bare minimums, most people your age do not even make that in a year.   If your willing to settle for something like a los vegas wedding, then your talking like $300 plus plane tickets and lodging.  Choice is yours, decide which you'd rather have and go for it.

I suggest you decide on the things above, and then have a talk with him, perhaps if anything the two of you can get engaged for now, and if your not working, perhaps you can get a job and help the two of you become financially stable.

Answer 7

I'm the same age and i do things the same way but ive been with my bf 7 years. This past year ive found out that nobody will make my dreams come true but me even though my bf cares deeply for me i know he thinks for himself and you will have to do the same judging by your statement your a good woman and every good woman deserves to be happy so start by thinking 75% about you and 25% about him GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS

Answer 8

Nurturing is in our nature as women.  You just need to start putting your foot down and speaking in "I" terms.  If you don't stand up for your own wants and needs, nobody else will.  

It took me nearly 40 years to figure this out.  I hope it doesn't take you as long.  

Answer 9

That's not smart to give everything you have to someone else.  You need to do things for YOU and to better yourself.  Never, ever put your life on hold for another person.  If you haven't completed your schooling, go back now.  Do things to better yourself.  Don't wait on him.  I will say, he is smart for wanting to be financially stable.

Answer 10

There is never a "right" time to have kids.  There is always something else....really!  No one is ever 100% ready, no matter the ammount of waiting or preparation.

You have time to get married and have kids.

But DO NOT let your wishes to go on the back-burner.  Do not loose yourself in the process of letting him live out his dreams.

Answer 11

You are upset that he wants to wait until he is financially stable before he gets married and has kids? If you can't respect his maturity and foresight-fulness, dump him so another woman can enjoy him.

Answer 12

I am 24 and have been with my husband for 6 yrs.  We married when I was 20.  As far as finances go, I understand that you are both young and finances are difficult.  If you are in a committed relationship and do not have enough money to pay for a wedding, you could always get married at a courthouse or have a simple wedding.  Finances, at least for me, did not change after we were married.  We had the same financial situation before getting married as after (no...actually we had a little more because we got $ from our wedding gifts).  

As far as kids go, children are expensive! I can understand your bf's concerns about that.  I think you should wait until you get married before even considering kids.  You are still young and have many years to have kids.  I do think you should clarify with your bf that your life goals are to have a family.  If his goals are not the same, as hard as it maybe, you should move on.  I think in order to have a successful relationship, both partners goals and vision for their future life must be the same...if it isn't the relationship won't work.   Tell him that you understand about the finances, but that you need to know whether or not his future goals are the same as yours...to have a marriage and family together, or not.  If your goals are the same, work on a time line for your marriage.  Save money monthly, so you can have savings for a family and wedding.   Good Luck!