How do you break the cycle?

Question

I remember when I was little it seemed like all my mom did was yell. Yell, yell, and yell some more. Then when I decided to have kids of my own I told myself that I would not do the same thing. I love my children more than life itself. I would do any and every thing for them. So after 7 years of parenting (my kids are 7, 5, & 17 months) what do I find myself doing all the time? Yelling. So, how do I become one of those moms that seem to have all the patience in the world and never seem to raise their voice? How can I handle the stress better? Or is this a more common behavior than I think?

Answer 1

We have kids in similar age groups  - mine are 8, 4 and 16 months.  I yell a lot too.  Funny thing is that I don't EVER remember getting yelled at as a kid.  I yell to get their attention and when I am not getting results.  There are days when (as I am yelling ) I am thinking to myself, wow, fine example of stellar parenting.  And I even think to myself, I am going to regret this yelling later.  I think yelling is definitely a stress reliever for me.  I think that is how my stress manifests.  I find I am quicker to yell when I have had a day that other factors influence, not just my kids.   So the key I have been trying to find is a release for this stress in ways other than yelling.  

I have found that a daily walk (alone or maybe just with my oldest) helps.  Any type of 'escape' that I can do for just 15 minutes - like reading part of book or magazine. I am the type of person who can get involved in an article or book quickly so it totally diverts my mind.  

Also what helps me is when I am starting to feel the stress or get upset, I try imagining that other people are with me or that I am being filmed for some type of parenting show.  It makes me think for a minute of what someone else might see if they were watching me be a parent.  THat helps me not overreact.

So, you are not alone and I hope this helps.  Don't beat yourself up too much.  I do explain to my kids that when I yell, it doesn't mean I don't love them, it means I don't like what they are doing.  I also move on if I have had a bad day.  I tell myself well, tomorrow is a new chance.

Answer 2

I don't think it makes you a bad mother.

I'm personally not a yeller myself... but I do think that raising your voice CAN make an impact!

I had issues with them self-inducing vomiting and the last time I caught them doing that I yelled at them, made them cry- but they haven't done it since so I think I made an impact.

I think the key is not yelling too much so they actually listen when you do.

Anyhow, I can't explain how you get patience, but I'm not always patient.  When I find myself losing patience I give myself a timeout.

My problem is moreso that I get very quiet and detached.  I shut down when I lose it and get very angry.  It's just as bad to become detached and unresponsive to your kids as it is to yell, though, I think.

either way.... try giving yourself a timeout and save voice raising for when you really want to get their attention.  If you do it all the time it loses any impact.

Answer 3

VERY common. And it is really hard when that is a learned response from your childhood. I have just within the last couple months found myself starting to raise my voice, then stopping and saying the same thing calmly and I get the same reaction and am not making my kids nervous and upset. It is just practice. Try tomorrow, when one of your kids make you mad, and you see yourself starting to yell, or you did yell, say "Im sorry for yelling, just please dont _____" whatever the scenario, that is what I have done with my 4 year old and we get along much better now. I dont let her get to me, because come on, these are kids we're raising its supposed to be fun! I just have to remind myself of that, and also that they dont know any better then to be little devils sometimes haha. Good luck with it!

Answer 4

When you feel like yelling, leave the room.  Count to 10, 20 , 30, whatever it takes.  Maybe try to find some books or classes on meditation.  Yoga may be able to help you with relaxing as well.  I think it may be common- but that doesn't make it a good thing.  When we yell, kids tune out.  And as parents our biggest way of teaching is by example.  If all that fails, get some therapy or parenting class.  It will only help your family in the long run.

Answer 5

First of all, no, you are not a bad mother. You are human. Actually, just the fact that you are trying to change makes you a better parent than many.

Bad tempers run in my family, and even my mom used to be short tempered, but to me it seems as if she has endless patience. The trick is to harness your temper and learn to control it.

Come up with a plan ahead of time for what you will do when you get upset and feel like you are about to yell, maybe you'll walk away, maybe you will have a moment of silence when you don't do anything. Having a plan will give you a sense of control and will help a lot.

Next, switch places with the kids in your minds and pretend that you are the one who did whatever it is that made you want to yell and imagine how you as a kid would like to be dealt with.

Remember that your kids are not doing this to spite you, they are not doing this to make you mad or to get on your nerves. They're doing it because, just like you, they are only human, and human's make mistakes.

Remember that it's your job to be your child's guide, you're here to help guide them not to yell. Be compassionate.

Once you do that, it will become easier. Each time you successfully deal with a situation it will become more natural until eventually it's just second nature.

Just remember that you can do this. At first it will be hard, and it will take every bit of your energy not to yell, but it will get easier, and you can do this.

If you do slip and you yell when you don't feel that it is deserved, don't feel like you shouldn't apologize to your kids for it.  A lot of people are unwilling to apologize to their kids when they give an undeserved punishment or make mistakes because they think that it undermines their position as the parent, but this is not the case.

Instead it shows kids that everyone makes mistakes, and that it's important to take responsibility when you do. My mom has apoligized to me, and I am more willing to do the same because of it. It doesn't teach kids that they can get out of consequences, it teaches them responsibility.

Good luck, and your kids are very lucky to have you.

Answer 6

Here is what I have found works when I feel I am yelling my head off.  It is a question I answered the other day. I have found these things very effective in keeping me from yelling. My mom was a yeller though a great mom and my sister is the same way and it really bugged me when she did it to her kids and I found myself turning into her. Sorry to just post a from another answer but I need to get dinner started. The fact you acknowledge it and want to stop it proves you are not a bad mom.

From another question:

another thing I have done is for every time I have to say something (to either of my kids) more than twice they get a tally mark and for every tally mark at the end of the day or whatever time of the day he does his favorite things, they owed me 10 minutes per tally mark. And it is served at that time of the day period. It helps them to see a visual of how many marks they have gotten vs how many the other kids have not. I also give them a chance to get a tally mark removed with really good behavior but do not be to free with that. It is a great motivator on school mornings because they serve their time after school during their snack and free time and then they are straight on to homework, bath and bed for the most part. It has saved me screaming my head off, my sister has always been a yeller and I hated it, and I was doing the same thing to my kids I hated her doing to hers.

Another thing that is effective with my stubborn one is a timer. If I say you have 5 minutes (or whatever time limit you want) to get it cleaned, or stop the behavior (that one is 1 minute) or punishment is given she repsonds. The timer is another great help in the mornings, if I give 5 minutes to brush teeth she loves trying to beat it and being the one who gets to set it and stop it. It sounds a bit weird but she is huge on structure and routine so it is a very effective tool with her.

Answer 7

I learned to count (just to ten doesn't cut it though) - and used the naughty corner/step an awful lot.

If you manage to cut back on the yelling you will find that the kids behaviour improves, mainly because they stop mimicking your 'shouty' behaviour.

You do have to be quite patient at the beginning, and teach your self to calm before you speak.

Good luck xx

(ps - watch super nanny, she'll teach you the method-worked for me 17 years ago-it will work for you now).

Edit - it doesnt make you a bad mum - it makes you a stressed mom.  But you really need to break the cycle.... x

Answer 8

take a deep breath b4 yellling sayin something then rememeber whats its like and tell them to stop dont yell but give punishments