How do you cope with not knowing your siblings?

Question

How do you do it? How do you cope with the fact that you do not know your brothers and sisters? I never met mine, and I may never be able to find them. It tears me up inside and I feel worse everyday.

Answer 1

lyf go z on

Answer 2

I hope this doesn't sound callous, but try not to idealize the relationship you may (or may not) have with your lost siblings. I found out, to my great disappointment, that I didn't feel an "instant connection" - as I had expected to - with every member of my biological family.  

When I began my search in 1982, I didn't even think about the fact that I had siblings. It just didn't occur to me. Finding out I had sibling was like an HUGE added bonus!  I met a half sister first.  Then my first mom & a half brother...he and I were INSTANT friends.  They all came to my wedding in 1983.

It turns out I'm one of TEN children in my 3 families.  I'm the oldest, middle & youngest daughter, too!  Pretty bizarre, huh?  

Between 1993 and 2004, I had a very close relationship with one 1/2 sister, her children & her mom. We spent holidays with them, visited, etc.  She married into a large Greek family (I was sooo excited! I love ALL things Greek!).  Since then, she's been so busy with her new family that I rarely hear from or see her.  I feel sad & miss her & my neices & nephew.  

I've lost track of my 1/2 brother, though recently I found his son on myspace and now have a phone number to call his mom - my sister in law.  (in AZ)  

I have my adopted siblings with whom I am in regular contact. My brother just visited a couple of weeks ago. And I talked to my sister this weekend.  My sis was a bit jealous at first (about my having other sisters).  

And I have another 1/2 sister that I keep in contact with via e-mail primarily.  Occasionally we talk on the phone. She lives in another state.  

One 1/2 brother passed away long before I found my first mom (in Vietnam).

Occassionally I search for a 1/2 sister I lost touch with. Another 1/2 sister I never met - she didn't want anything to do with a long lost sister.  I have always respected her wishes.  

You can't know if you'll connect with your lost siblings or not. You may feel an instant connection as I did with my 1/2 brother.  You may not - yet a relationship can grow with time.  

I didn't have much in common with one 1/2 sibling.  And although I've had connections with others, the bond obiously wasn't strong enough for us to keep in touch.

It's kinda sad.  But it's just a part of the outcome of a life long separation.  I'm happy I have had the chance to meet some of my siblings, to get to know them. To feel that connection.

I sometimes wonder how much my adoption & the subsequent rejection (from my a.mom) have left me with a damaged ability to "connect".  I am blessed with a loving husband, great kids & grandkids & many wonderful friends that I've known for years. So I am able to connect - at least in those arenas.  Yet I often feel a bit disconnected from both my adopted & bio. siblings.  

Great question!  Thanks for asking. I look forward to the answers you'll receive.

AND Good Luck finding your sibs!  In spite of it being a less than perfect (idealized) reunion, I am SO HAPPY that I did find my first family and have had the chance to get to know them!!

Answer 3

I am adopted too. I just don't really think about it. I have a wonderful family-a mom, a dad, and a brother. I have a great life. My brother was adopted too. When I do think about it though, I think about What if my birth mom kept me. She gave me up for adoption because she loved me. She knew I would have a better life with someone who would love and care for me that be with her. I know she made the right decision. I mean sometimes I wonder if I have any siblings and how old they are. It would be kind of cool to meet them, and I'm sure I could, but I don't really know if I want to. I am happy just the way I am.

Answer 4

It hurts.

My two half-sisters don't even know I exist because my mother is still ashamed of having gotten pregnant with me out of wedlock...in1964.

It took me many years and many tries to do so, but I finally found a therapist who was willing to honor my feelings about adoption.  I hope you find someone to talk to about this.

Answer 5

I spent 10 years 3000 miles from her. When I moved 10 min away, I was then 16, I was still unable to see her. Another 10 years went by and the whole time I would lok at people and wonder if every girl her age at the time was her. I spent a lot of time searching. and when I'd find an e-mail address or a story in the paper about her I would try to picture what was going on in her life.

The strangest thing though (i know it soung SOOO off) is that when I would picture her, I would still imagine a 2 year old baby. When I finally met her it as almost like the baby had died and here is an adult.

Answer 6

I find it very hard.

I am in contact with one 1/2 sib - also adopted out at birth - and we are very close.

But I also have 3 full siblings - born after me - my parents married 6 months after my birth - and even though they do know about me - our mother has forbidden them to have contact with me. (they're all in their 30's!!)

For my mother - she was never allowed to grieve about her lost children - told to just forget them - that we'll never want to know about them - so she has it in her head that I don't really exist.

I do.

And this all hurts like h**l.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

Like Theresa - writing about it (thru blogs) and keeping in contact with other adoptees - has been my only saving grace.

It's what helps me get thru those rough days.

If you need some adoptee support - do pop over to the forum -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

I hope that you do one day get to find and meet your sibs.

Answer 7

I'm sorry :(

I know exactly how you feel. I have a brother and sister who do not know I exist, and it tears at me too.

The only way I know how to cope with that, and with anything adoption related, is to write about it, and to hang with other adoptees. Those are the only two things that have honestly helped me.

Answer 8

I know I have at least a  ÃƒÂ‚½  genetic sister I do not look at her like she is my sister though.  If I have other ½  genetic siblings out there which is possible, it’s the same way. It doesn’t bother me at all that I don’t know her or others; they are not my siblings on any level but biological.

Answer 9

wow i dont think that anyone will be able to tell you a for-sure way to cope with it. its something really hard to go through. i went through it and am still for the most part. i was seperated from my parents adn my 2 sisters and 1 brother for 13-15 years and it torn me up and put tears in my eyes everyday of my life. it was the worst pain imaginable. so i know how hard it is but you know what? even if you cant hold them in your arms or tell them that you love them they still know it. and you know wat? they still love you back. and one day when its meant to happen you will cross paths again. so for now while your stuck waiting for that special day to come all you can really do is enjoy and treasure the loved ones you have around you right now and remember in your heart that they love you and that you love them.

Answer 10

i miss them. Luckily for me, I didn't know they existed until I found my parents. I am the oldest. They weren't "here" when I was adopted so all of my paperwork said I was the only one.

I don't know how I would have done it if I knew they were out there, all those years. Turns out they were just about 15 minutes from me the whole time.

*sigh*

Answer 11

Do you have brothers and sisters in your adoptive family family?  They are  your brother and sister.  Have aunts cousins uncles.  people that care about you.  Do you have people that care about you.  What more could a person ask for.  Does not matter that you might have some biological stranger that you share DNA with.  

I am an adoptee,  The family that adopted me is my family.    I have met my  biological family  which was a complete disaster.  UNDERSTAND THIS   the family that loves you is your family.

Answer 12

I knew mine.  I was adopted at age 10, so I knew my siblings.  It pains me that I cannot find them.  One sister and I had a special bond.  One sister I now wonder if I just imagined her or if she was real.   I don't have much memory of my brother... he was too young so I didn't know him well.

I wish every day that I could find my siblings.  My work doesn't allow me time to do the search, and I can't afford to pay for a search.  

but I cannot change it, so I simply live my life, with a hole in my heart where my siblings belong.

cw

Answer 13

I got over it. I just have dealt with it. What is worse is when you have met them and they never wanted to try to be close with you, because they didn't know you. You become a stronger person

Answer 14

((((hugs)))) I feel your pain. I am adopted I have a older sister 2.5yrs older than me.

We have been in contact but like the previous poster it was not the *love affair* I thought it would be.

I have always wanted a sister , dreamed of one, asked my parents for one.......

(turns out they knew the WHOLE TIME That I had one)

Anyway I yearned for a sister...then when i found my birth mother who after 2 years FINALLY Told my Sister about me, my sister said 'no I am not interested, I dont want to know'

:(

How could she ? when I had been wanting to know her ever since i found about her when i was 30 years old....

Anyway down the track we connected through Genes reunited

But she is very angry, and bitter about some things...and it clouded it between us, it also didnt help that my birth mother didnt want us to have anything to do with each other, because she had rejected me once she told my sister about me...

It hurts every day and there isnt a d**n thing I can do about it

Answer 15

I feel for all adoptees who go through this.  We have just adopted three children from the same family.  They \have not lived together for two years so it is a big adjustment for all of them.  I do believe though, and the reason we went for three was to keep siblings together, is that the sibling bond is very strong and knowing siblings is very important.

I also think though that I have seen the same strong bond between aodpted and bio children in the same family.