How do you cut down on putting [Writing Help]so needed, pleeeease!?

Question

so many 'i's' in stories..

this is a paragraph

Next day, I went out for a run. I started slow then fastened my pace. Listening to Eminem, while running was very helpful. As I was on my 3rd lap, I screamed a too loudly when a guy, my age came walking out of the bushes.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” The guy said with a smile.

“No, no, it’s okay.” I smiled back, while I got up.

“So, you just moved in here?” He asked.

“Yes. I’m still settling in.” I replied, and then there was awkward silence.

I looked at the guy; he was really handsome. My face burned of embarrassment, so I looked down.

“You do realise, we don’t know each others names?” He laughed at the thought of this.

“I’m Elaine.”

“I’m William.”

its so boring, how do you make it interesting. please

Answer 1

The next day, I decided to go out for a run round the neighbour hood. I started at a jog, quickening my pace while listening to Eminem, much too loud, keeping the beats in my head.

I was on my third lap around the whole place when I ran head first into a guy my age who had suddenly walked out of the bushes.

"Oh! Sorry! I didnt see you here..." He said smoothly. He smiled politely his bright teeth flashing.

"Uh..." For some reason I found my voice stuck in my throat. "Uh... bye!" I twisted around him awkwardly and started to run away when I felt someone grip my arm forcing me to look back at them.

"Tell me your name at least!" He said, looking altogether desperate to know that small fact. We hadnt even been talking for a minute, and he looked as if he wanted to know every fact about me.

I couldnt help it. I found myself smiling- and not like usual. For the first time i found myself TRYING to look cute, which I thought was practically impossible but I gave it a shot.

"Elaine. You?" I flicked my head trying to move my hair out of my eyes.

He noticed.

"William." He smiled as moved his hand to my face to move the strands of hair I had tried to move myself earlier.

"See you around" I said and I ran off trying to run as well as I could to impress him.

Im pretty sure I didnt do it well. That or he wasnt even looking.

____I tried. I think you did well, just be a little more descriptive or something.Im sure you can do better than me for sure! Im sure you can do it good luck!___

Answer 2

You have to try to "show" the story, right now you're just telling the readers what happened.

For example, "I screamed too loudly when a guy, my age came walking out of the bushes."

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” The guy said with a smile.

“No, no, it’s okay.” I smiled back, while I got up.

If your character has enough time to guess what the guy's approximate age is, maybe her scream is a delayed reaction, which I'm not sure is what you wanted to set up. Also, when did she ever fall? This is news to me.

In the first sentence, I have no clue as a reader where she's running - for all we know it could be Alaska at negative 5 degrees. Set up a little - is she running the block of her neighborhood or in a local track field?

It could be instead: "Out of nowhere, a guy popped out from the side bushes. I jumped a few feet back and screamed."

He looked at me wide-eyed alarm, hands in defense. "Whoa, I'm sorry." He couldn't help but smirk a little at my frantic state. "Did I scare you?"

I laughed a little and calmed down. My ipod was still blasting away Eminem's anger towards his ex-wife, so I turned it off. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I didn't mean to scare you."

"No, its s'okay."

He smiled. "So...are you the people that just moved around here?"

"Yeah...." I nodded. The guy looked about my age, and...very hott. I suddenly became very aware of myself and blood was rising to my face. I had looked away. "I'm still settling in."  We stood around, and there was awkward silence. I felt so embarrased, and was ready to cut and run.

Suddenly he came to realized, "Hey, I don't even know your name. I'm Will, by the way."          

"I'm El. It's short for Elaine."

I hope this helps. I'm a bit interested in your story, so let me know if I can read more. Thanks and good luck.