How do you deal with a 3yr old with a lot of problems...who has been abused?

Question

I have my cousin's little girl she is 3yrs old. she has been abused by her moms boyfriend, she has a lot of anger problems and I was wondering if there is any one out there who might be able to help me....I'm trying to help her deal with this and it is real hard, she wont do what she is told, she will hit, pinch, kick, bite, ect...I have her in counceling. but she gets to visit with her mother 2 times a week for an hour in a half. when I get her home after her visits she is so mean. If she goes up for adoption we want to adopet but just dont know how to deal with her problem.

Answer 1

It will take a lot of time for her to trust adults again. She's trapped in her own little world and has no clue how to get out. Maybe her mom is saying things or something is happening when she goes over there? Her spirit is broken. Do you take her to church? That would be good interaction for her. And it is a positive environment. I wish I could help more. God Bless And Good Luck!

Answer 2

hug her, play outside with her spoil her for around 6 months or more.

Answer 3

It sounds like she needs structure, a lot of love and more structure.  Children are most happy when they have structure.  A schedule could be what she needs.

Answer 4

OMG, Erin!  ^ ^ i got my two fav books out for you and they are :

Parenting the hurt child

Toddler adoption: The weaver's craft.

Best of luck to you.

You have two amom's here who think these are good books.

Answer 5

We found that with some of the aggressive or out of control anger rather then yell--time out or behave in a way that might feel scary to our daughter instead we would hug her...

We learned that when she got out of control and had that look in her eyes---we would hold her and sing... sitting her on our lap with her face out (not to smoother) if her hands were pinching, scratching or hitting we criss-crossed her arms so she could not hurt us...and sang softly or talked in an even tone....until she gained self control.

These kids are waiting for you to get mad--if they have been abused that is What feels normal... If they have lived a life in crisis with yelling--fighting---violence then that is What is Normal... peace and calm is NOT how it should be--when things are not the way they should be--kids may try to cause things to feel normal....

Abused kids don't know who to trust--the most important people hurt them the most... and there is no reason to believe anyone else will treat them better....  

There is only ONE thing that will help and it is TIME lots and lots of time to learn that No matter what she does--no one will hurt her.... It can take years and over time the episodes decrease as the trust is built.....

my favorite thing to do when I want to lose my cool is to start a kissing-fight!

Answer 6

I fostered a 2 1/2 year old with a very similar story.  Just when I would think I was getting somewhere with him, he would have a home visit and would throw things at me, hit me, scream and spit at me.  It was very difficult to deal with.  The only advice I was ever given was to give him more one on one and positive reinforcement.  

In my case, I wasn't able to keep him in my home because I also had a 2 year old and an infant at the time.  I wasn't able to give him the one on one that he needed and his actions were having negative effects on the other children.  I think it is great that you are willing to adopt this little girl.  I will let you know that it gets better in time, and if her parents rights are terminated, the visits will stop.  I'm sure that is aggravating her behavior.  She is probably frustrated and doesn't know how to express herself.  I still have contact with the little boy I have told you about.  He has been adopted recently by his new foster family.  The stability, mixed with the love, attention, and structure he gets in this home has helped him tremendously.  But it did take awhile for the behaviors to diminish.  

If her behaviors seem to be at their worst after visits.  Try going straight to something fun after visits to take her mind off of leaving her parents.  Even though she was abused, she is still bonded to her parents and feals the losss when taken away.  I t is so sad that children have to be put through this.  Good Luck..I hope you are able to adopt her, it sounds like you are doing everything you can with her,,just keep it up.

Answer 7

This will take more patience, time, energy and kindness than you have ever thought possible.  I have fostered many young children with histories of severe abuse or neglect.  She is hurting so deeply, and has no way of exprsessing it  -- except all the behaviors you mentioned.  And she is doing a good job of expressing her pain.  Just let her express herself, then gently let her know what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

For example, if she is throwing a fit and kicking at people or chair and toys, gently pick her up and say "I know you're angy. That's o.k.  Here,hit this pillow. Show your anger here."

Another example, if she will not stop throwing her toys, take her outside in the backyard and encourage her throw a ball.  Say come one, now you can throw it hard. Go ahead."

If she is in the middle of the store, just pick her up and leave the store.  No need for lots of words or any chastisement.  

If she is at home, just move her to another room where she can kick and scream.  Let her know her FEELINGS are o.k., she just needs to know where and how she can express them.

Don't punish her, frown at her, roll your eyes at her or yell at her.  She has every right to feel the pain.  If she doens't feel it and express it now, it will bottle up and come out when she is older, with much worse behavior.  

Make sure her therapist implements play therapy with her, not "talk therapy".  Expect the acting out after she sees Mom.  This is very normal.  Perhaps when you get her in the car after a visit, ask her if she needs a hug, ask her if she wants to hit a pillow you brought, and tell her it's o.k. to feel sad and angry, and it's o.k. to cry.  Tell her you know how sad she is.

Help her to begin to use words to express herself, too.  When she acts out, ask her "Are you sad?"  "Are you angry?"  Or say "Yes, I know you're sad (angry) right now.  It's o.k."

Anytime she has expressed herself in a more approiate way than the last time, praise her.  Help her use words.  And if she uses her words "I'm angry" etc. praise her for that, too.

The best of luck  to you, and to her.  With a lot of help and support, you can all get through this and begin to help her heal.  She has a deep, deep hurt.

Answer 8

Two books I recommend

"Toddler Adoption:  A Weaver's Craft"

"Parenting the Hurt Child"

Answer 9

she acts mean after she comes home from seeing her mother because even at 3 she is pissed off and does not know how to deal with it.  In a way she misses her mother and does not know how to deal with it.  

It is hard at 3 to be able to talk to them about things that are going on.  BUT make sure she knows you love her and will NEVER hurt her.  Even if you have to tell her a million times a day..  

She still needs rules even tho you want her to be happy and safe. Do NOT fell bad if you have to punish her.

Answer 10

Set your boundaries and be firm but fair. She is reacting from the anger she has from the way her own mother treated her. Give her tons of love and attention and to fun things go to the park, pool weather permitting, set play dates and yo can also put her in a tumbling class or swimming lessons or ballerina lessons. Do the things that are positive. She is old enough to understand how mean and abusive her Mom's boyfriend has been and also knows that he is with her Mom. Hats off to you for wanting to adopt her. Make sure the social worker knows that you have intentions on adopting her, you need to get the parental rights taken away and that is done by going to court and the mother being unfit and not being able to provide a safe and secure home for the child. Talk to the child's social worker they are full of helpful information. Best Wishes and what a blessed little girl she is to have caring relatives to take her in. God Bless.

Answer 11

Since she is still very young you have a great chance of turning her behavior around. I think the best thing you can do is stick to your guns. Keep your boundaries firm and consistent and keep the positive reinforcement and love flowing. It sounds like she has had a lot of bad things happen that have been out of her control and she is reacting to that. Once she sees that you will not hurt her like she has been hurt in the past, she will start to relax and trust you. But this may not come until you fully adopt her. Just keep in mind that things like this always get worse before they get better, so just hang in there. Also, talk to the counselor to see what else you can be doing at home to help with what she experiences in counseling.

Answer 12

You will need her to talk to someone that has been threw it! I have been there myself and not one person understands me unless they have been threw it also! At that age she will need someone that she can talk to all the time and have a bestfriend that wont betray her and that will show her the proper ways to act! She needs to talk to someone more then 2 times a week! She needs someone more like 24/7... Good luck with it! If any ?s just ask me and I could maybe help some more!

Answer 13

I think anger is a natural human feeling.  Therefore, I think it is normal and healthy that this child feels anger.

Having said that, it is not ok for her to hit, pinch, scratch other people...or any other manner of hurtful behaviors.  So, you'll need to teach her to vent or otherwise express her anger and frustration in other ways.  Punching bag in the garage?  Screaming into her pillow?  Draw a picture of what angers her and then tear it up to make it go away?  

I think the worst thing you could do is tell her:  it is not ok to get angry.  I think it is counter-productive to hold kids down or otherwise prevent them from venting or expressing their feelings.  You just have to teach them to express their feelings in an appropriate manner.

Answer 14

This is a hard situation to be in and I feel for you and your three-yr-old (lets call her Bee). The best thing to do for Bee is just to be kind calm and never show any anger. Also be firm but fair. Always show her you love her no matter what. Good luck!