How do you deal with a fiance that says yes to a baby and then changes his mind?

Question

My fiance and I are both 23. We're getting married May 16, 2009. We both want a baby really bad. I'd like to be married before I get pregnant. One min he wants to try for a baby and then within 24 hours he decides he doesn't want to try for a baby right now. He's always worried about the money part of it. We both have good jobs and an apartment together. I work from home so there would be no child care expenses. We have bills but who doesn't. It's to the point that when he brings up trying to get pregnant I want to cry cuz I know he's going to change his mind again. Have you ever had a husband or fiance that was like that? If so how did you deal with it?

P.S. I'm not pregnant right now and we do use condoms.

BTB~05/16/2009

Mommy to be~??? :-(

Answer 1

He seems like he really wants to be a dad, but he is scared. You may have to take charge of the situation. Ask yourself are you ready? You will be carrying the child and its not a simple thing to do. If you are ready and you know that you are then be resolute with him. If you approach the situation with absolute calm then he will most likely follow suite. Make sure to have insurance that covers maternity. Start setting back money now, and prove to him that together you both can make it work.

Answer 2

:)  My hubby was like that.  It's fear and anxiety driven.  I'd stop taking his "wanting to try" seriously for now.  His waffling is an indication that he really isn't ready.  After you are married, then you can discuss it again.  Tell him you want to wait until then.  It will take some of the pressure off.  Then, if he still waffles, just let it happen.  Stop using birth controle.  Tell him that you guys aren't "trying" but that you aren't being careful either.  This worked for my husband because he didn't have to make a "serious decision", and he could let nature take over.  We were pregnant 3 months later, and he's thrilled.  good luck!

Answer 3

hes flakey

Answer 4

I think he sounds like he really does want a baby but is worried about the financial situation - which is sensible!

So speak to him, agree to forget about trying till after you are married, by which time he'll have had a year to get used to the idea and cost of the wedding will be out of the way.

I don't suppose many people really feel like they can afford a baby!

Answer 5

If he is only worried about the money aspect then its time for him to realize that if you sit around waiting for money to be better- then it is never going to happen. He seems ready in the other aspects of raising a child from what you have told us so I would think that you should tell him "either you want to have kids or you don't. Time isn't the issue here and money isn't either. So make up your mind and stop flaking on me."

Answer 6

If he doesn't want a baby right now, then maybe you are not on the same page relationship wise  You know you say WE both want a baby so bad, then say that your partner changes his mind..Your fiance sounds immature...you need to rethink your situation..

Answer 7

Having a child is a huge decision, and both parties need to make sure they are 100% sure.  While in our society we focus on the woman's emotions, having a baby for a man can also be an emotional rollercoster.

My husband and I tried for 2 years (learned that I had a febriod blocking a tube, which was fixed and now I have a beautiful son)  to get pregnant and when we finally got pregnant with my son my husband was scared.  In fact, during our child birth class I think he almost fainted and he went to the restroom like a hundren times to pee.

But he turned out to be a terrific dad.  My son and I adore him.  Being scared or uncertain doesn't mean your fiance doesn't love you or that he'll never want kids.

I wished more men were responsible enough to accept their emotions, understand the responsibility and be honest about their feelings when it comes to having a child.

For now why don't you enjoy your engagement.  Look at the brightside, at least you won't have to worry about losing a ton of baby weight to fit into your wedding dress.

Also take the time to plan out your finances.  My 7 month old has the budget of P-diddy when it comes to clothes because he simply out grows them so fast.  So if he's concerned about money, that completely legitmate.  

Here's my monthly budget before daycare:

College Savings: 142.00

Daipers: 60.00

Formula: 169.75

Clothes: 125

Health Care Cost: 52.00 (Company provided plan)

Misc: 75.00

Babysitter: 85 (This isn't day care but for date nights and movie nights)

In terms of working from home and watching a baby. There's no way it can be done.  After not taking the advise of one of our friends who tried it early.  My husband and I tried it for ourselves.  I work from home  T, W and Thursday.  My husband works from home Mon and Friday.  And neither one of us could watch our very active 4 month old and do our jobs.  At 4 months my son was very active, and he's only gotten more active since.  He needs constant supervision, and it wasn't fair to put his needs on the back burner while I tried to reconcile a clients account.   So now he stays with grandma 3 days a week well I work and spends 2 days in day care which works out great.  He gets all the attention he needs and interaction 2 days a week with kids his age.

Just be realistic with what you are asking.  Children demand a lot of time.  They need to fed every 3-4 hours (and if you're breast feeding this alone can be a process), diaper changes in between that, they like to play so count stopping for that 6 month old who just opened your cabinets and is banging our new set of pots and pans.  I love being a mom, but its hard work

I would say at 23, enjoy your relationship and getting to bond with your soon to be husband.  If you're making good money, travel and see the world.  Before my husband and I decided to get pregnant we sent 2 weeks cruising Europe.  We went backpacking in Canada.  We even took salsa lessons.  Enjoy each other and the baby will come with time.

Give it 6 months and bring the topic up again and see what he says.  Really try to listen to him and without pressure.

Answer 8

I know exactly how you feel. My husband was the same way. Sometimes he still is. I had a 5 year plan and had decided I was going to wait 5 years, however my husband got baby fever and talked me into than a week later he changed his mind, however I was still in major baby fever mode. We decided we would keep trying, after 6 months and nothing happening and a lot of frustration we thought he couldn't have children so he forgot about it, of course not I and kept it in the back of mind. 11 months later we had a positive test, sadly around 8 or 9 months he had decided he didn't want a baby, oh well we didn't change our protection choices and I think he had given up. Now we have a 3 month old and he is so happy we have talked about having even more children and he flip flops every time. We have decided we would talk more about it in 2 years. My advice would be to talk to your fiance and set a serious date to make a decision on getting pregnant. What is decide at that meeting should stand until the next serious discussion date!! Good luck!! Also before having this meeting have a pros/cons list all typed up and printed out. It will hep your argument if he can visually see it!!

Answer 9

personally i would tell him to **** or get off the pot.  you cant change your mind about such a topic on every little whim.

Answer 10

If I were you I would invest in long term contraception such as Depo Provera & consider where this relationship is going.  If you told him you were pregnant in the morning & he had changed his mind again, how do you think he would react?

Answer 11

Dump him