How do you deal with a lack of response from his family?

Question

When my fiance called his mom to tell her we got engaged, she said, "okay" in a sad voice.. she didn't ask to talk to me, or send me an email, or a card, or anything.. and it's been over a week.

My fiance's sister won't even answer the phone so that he can tell her, though I'm sure she knows because it's all up on facebook and myspace, and her mom must have told her.. yet not a word from her.. not even a myspace comment.. and I was going to ask her to be a bridesmaid and everything.

I don't get it. My friend's MIL-to-be is throwing her a party and everything...

How should I respond? It's really hurtful, and I don't even understand it, because I thought me and his mom got along okay, and I had thought I was close with his sister.

Answer 1

Wow, that is hurtful. Could it be that your future in-laws know something about your husband to be that you don't? Or have feelings about you that you're unaware of? Or just don't think he's ready to get married? I'm trying to think of all the possibilities here. My ex-husband neglected to tell me that he and his former wife had a child that died at 2 months from deformities. I would do a little snooping around if I were you.

Answer 2

Maybe that's just the way they are?

My MIL and SILs didn't call or email me or anything to congratulate me either.. My fiance talked to them and all that, but they never planned any special things for me or anything.  But they did attend the parties thrown by others.  I just it chalked it up to them being the way they are and that's it.  One SIL invited me over for a weekend (the family lives about 3.5 hrs away from us) about three months after the engagement and we hung out and talked a bit.  

Talk to your fiance about it and remain pleasant and courteous with the family.  Don't make a final decision about the SIL being a bridesmaid quite yet.

Hope things work out.

Answer 3

email them and tell them how excited you are at having them become part of your family.ask for their help and see what happens. tell the sister-in-law that you need her to call you.then take it from there. when she calls invite her to lunch or to come over and ask her in person to be a bridesmaid.it is actually the mom of the bride who throws the party not the mother in law. the situation may have made her mil feel like she should throw the party but traditionally it is the mom of the bride that does the party.so,dont go by what others do. if you got along well till now, they may just be surprised or maybe would have liked to have been told in person, not over the phone and usually a man discusses with his parents that he has intentions of popping the question. they may have been shocked or taken off guard. think of how you would feel if you got a phone call from your child telling you that and up until that point you were not even aware your child was thinking of it. call them do not wait for them to call you.it is proper for you to call them.

Answer 4

If there's no reason for them to be acting this way, that's probably just the way they are. My fiance's side of the family is kind of like that. They don't get excited over things normal people get excited about, until they see us in person. It's like, if it's not happening in front of their faces, it's not happened at all. Kind of weird (especially because I come from a family where everyone gets WAY too excited over everything). Although, we did get a card from his side of the family and his mom is throwing us an engagement party when we're home visiting during Labor Day.

I would just meet up with his family for lunch or dinner or something and then see how they react. Some people just prefer to talk about that stuff in person.  

Answer 5

Back when I first started dating my now husband I tried everything to get his family to like me.  I wanted things to be good between me and his family.  I thought they liked me well enough but as soon as we got engaged I could see that his family didn't approve of me.  I'm a good person and a great wife.  No matter what I do they'll never think I'm good enough for there son.  We're married now and the relationship with his family has never gotten any better.  I finally got tired of trying to get them to like me.  My advice is to ignore them.    If they can't see what a great woman you are for their son then so be it.  I've learned to just accept the fact that they don't like me and never will.  Hope this helps.    

Answer 6

Maybe they're just busy. There is nothing in your question to indicate their response is anything about you. Not everything is about you after all. If you can't be happy, no blissful, about your engagement without it depending on the reactions of people other than you and your fiance then you are not mature and self-assured enough to be married.

Quite honestly, they might be in a busy time and need a couple of weeks to integrate this new information and the events and time it will involve into their lives, that's all.

You expected your MIL to send you a card?  I've never heard of that.

I have also never seen a "to my future daughter in law on her engagement" card at Hallmark.

I would breathe, pour a drink, and relax, realize that their world does not revolve around you and they might be busy people, and that everything is fine.

If you are this insecure, I don't think you should get married until you've had some therapy and worked it out.

Answer 7

Talk to your Fiance.. I am having step MIL problems..bad.. i don't feel like his parentslike me at al..it sucks..but atleast he loves you.. talk to him and maybe he could talk to them..if it goes too far you need to say something..tensions already high..what can hurt trying to resolve the problem.

Answer 8

do you all live in the same town? or close by?  could you and your guy take his family out to dinner or invite them over and announce in person?  could this be what they are waiting for?  the phone and myspace communication seems to me to be very cold and distant on you-all's part.  maybe a better response in person???

Answer 9

I think as you can see from all of the other girls who answered your question, unfortunately in law problems are VERY common, especially for the woman.  My fiance's parents didn't react at all either, and I STILL have not been invited to their house for dinner or anything (and we've been engaged for 6 months!) to celebrate.  In fact, I haven't seen them in 2 years and they don't seem to care much, even though we live only a couple of miles away.  It really hurts, and I can completely understand your pain right now.  My parents are always questioning why his parents haven't taken an interest, and I don't really know what to tell them.  The only thing his mom did was call me to congratulate us on our engagement A MONTH AND A HALF after it happened.

So the moral of the story is, I guess just take it with a grain of salt and don't expect anything from them.  This is the most wonderful time of your life, and you shouldn't have to spend a minute of your life wondering about why they are being miserable people. I should probably take my own advice, lol.

Oh, and don't ask his sister to be a bridesmaid, your bridal party should consist of people who are genuinely happy and want to be there for you on your big day.

Congratulations and best wishes! =)

Answer 10

It sounds like something exists between you and his family. I know you said that you thought things were ok when maybe then are not.

Let me share something of my own with you it might not be the situation you are in but who knows. My oldest has been dating a nice young lady for a while now. They are both in college still but seem to be very much in love. I like his girlfriend like a daughter and my wife is pleasent to her but is not happy about how close they. My son has never mentioned that they are even considering marriage but I asked my wife what if they did decide to get married. She was not very happy about that idea. See she wants my son to marry a nice asian girl ( i am caucasion and wife is japanese/filipina) which this girl is not (she is caucasion). So see though my wife treats her very nice and she might assume they have a good relationship in actuality they do not and may not ever. Just thought would give you a perspective of something that might be outside of your control and what you percieve might not be actually the way things are.

Answer 11

Do you really care about the reaction of his family? If he doesn't have a problem, why should you? Trust me, there is no way to become real family with your in-laws, no matter how nice you are to them or how good your relationship might look. You will always be the stranger that their son, brother e.t.c. cares more about...

Answer 12

Ug, I feel for you.  I went through kind of the same thing.  The in-laws did give me a card but behind my back questioned my fiance's decision. I went over to their house to discuss wedding plans because I thought it would be nice to keep them in the loop, but they changed the subject all the time.  

Sooo...  TRY (as hard as that may be) not to let it get to you, and don't push.  Don't contact them.  They will end up feeling left out when the wedding happens and that's their own fault.

Don't ask your sis-in-law to be a brides maid at all. She doesn't deserve it.  Ask people who are happy for you. Also, when you send out the invitations, don't put their name on it, (like, "Mr. & Mrs. Smith wish to announce the wedding of..."), unless they decide to contribute funds to it.  If your parents do, make sure you put their names on it.  Then they'll realize what jerks they are being.

Answer 13

Is she really close to her son? If she is she may feel like you are taking her little boy away from her.  That is how my MIL felt when we anounced are engagment.  She didn't even come to my shower.  She tried to talk my husband out of marring me.  It was alful.  Now my husband and I have been married for 3 years and I love my MIL and she loves me.  We get a long great.  I think that your MIL may be going through the same thing right now.  Give her time and try to respect her feelings.  

Answer 14

Here's another vote for "It's probably just the way they are."  It most likely isn't personal.

My husband's family is the same exact way.  They didn't even send us a card for the wedding (they live out of state).  Then I realized they don't for birthdays, etc either.  They are just fine with me on the phone- although they also don't call much.  Their family just isn't that close, and that's how they do.  

Leave your SIL to be a message asking her to call you about the wedding.  I think you should ask them what they think of the wedding if you really want the answer- if you think it might cause problems just be as friendly and cordial to them as possible, and leave it at that.  

ETA- I asked my MIL and SIL if they were happy about the wedding- they said absolutely.  So if they really did have problems with me- there was a chance for them to tell me.  I figured if they really don't like me- it's their responsibility to tell me what I did to upset them.  Otherwise it's out of my hands.

Answer 15

People are weird! and have there on strange reasons.  How old are you?  Does she think you should wait?  Extend one more olive branch! and if they don't reply then so be it.  Tell your new fiance that he will have to deal with them, not you and if they want to be a part of your wedding they can communicate with him.  I don't want you to hold on the anger! but sometimes you gotta just smile and let go!  Sooner or later they will come to you with an excuse of being so busy! that they couldn't return a call! yea! right!  People who care about you! always have time to return a call!  

Answer 16

Maybe they're just low-key people? I didn't get calls or e-mails from anyone when we got engaged; he told his parents, I told my parents, it was kind of low-key. We did discuss our wedding plans with both sets of parents along the way, but it wasn't some huge brew-haha. I didn't expect for my brother-in-law to call me or anything; it was assumed that he knew, and at some point we invited him to the wedding.