How do you deal with a natural father who caused a lot of damage, but has supposedly changed?

Question

A few of my kids natural dad was very abusive both physically and emotionally and just got out of prison for the third time and has supposedly changed. The natural father of the other kids (who I allow to visit with the kids) called me to tell me that the other father wants to see them and he has changed so much. I don't think I will ever let him (natural father #1) see the kids because he is very unstable and mean. But I was wondering if I am being harsh. I thought about maybe calling him and giving him my reasons for not seeing the kids, just to be fair. I don't know. What do you all think?

Answer 1

No, don't let him near those kids.

If he has changed, he can earn the right to see them again by respecting your wishes and working with you to find other ways to let them know he cares about them.  Although if he truly cares, he likely will just let them be, realizing that the harm he caused can never be wholly undone.

Answer 2

This so depends on the age of the children, how they feel, their memory of him, and the ability to supervise the contact.  If the contact can be in a supervised office -- most counties have a supervised visitation program where non custodial visits are held.  Each party pay for the visit -- a nominal supervision fee.  Check with your social services department.  Then, if everyone wants this to happen, it MAY worth a try.  If it does not go well, then I would not repeat it.  And this is a stretch.  BUT FIRST, contact his parole officer.  What does he/she think about this?  If they agree that he is sincere and has "changed", then ask a non-involved third party -- preacher, Rabbi, counselor, etc.) to meet with him first.  Set guidelines and expectations and rules for the visit.  Let him know it is a trial visit only.  Then have a supervised visit with him with NO children.  See how he does with that.  Is he on time, behaved, needy, overbearing, patient, caring, etc??  If those go well, THEN and only then would I consider introducing the children.  

Answer 3

Usually if a biological parent was abusive and the rights were terminated, they are not allowed contact with their children. (until the child turns 18)  The father should not know who the kids are with, for their safety and yours.   I would not call or contact this man.  You need to keep your children safe, physically and mentally.

Honestly,  in my opinion, I would NOT allow him to see your children.  The children are going to have issues surrounding the abuse and their father.  I do not know if they have been in therapy to deal with these issues, but SO MANY problems results from child abuse.  Introducing the abusive individual to children's lives is very complicated and can be very hurtful to children.

They need you to protect them now.  They need safety and security.  They need to live a life free of fear.  If you allow their biological father into their lives, they are still going to live in fear.  

Children do not understand.  Maybe when they get older, they can make that decision to have a relationship with him.  When they are older, they can protect themselves...but right now, that is your job....to keep them safe.

Also, abusers very rarely change.  Do you know what he has done to change?  I would be very very careful.  You do not owe anything to this individual.  You owe it to the kids to keep them safe.