How do you deal with manipulative family members?

Question

I have the most manipulative family, even though I live far away they still pull me into there problems and I am tired of it. I am not sure if I even love them anymore but I am still pulled into fixing the messes that have happened due to there poor planning. Now that my Mom is 65 she has let her whole world fall apart and expects me to be her safety net . Even though when I was very young and needed help she turned me down flat. The same goes for my sister, i give and give and all they do is take. My sister wants me to take my mom 1/2 of the year even though Mom has no health care here and I have a teenage son(my sister lives alone in a big house by herself in Moms home town).

Over the years Mom has done a lot for my sister since she has always been her favorite. And I have helped them both as much as I could over the years. I know my sister is being manipulative and I finally threated to cut them both off if she did not stop being so bossy about sending Mom here. I did not refuse to take her, I just needed her not to come the first week of the new school year . My husband doesn't want her to stay more than a month after her last stay. (she would not leave him alone and she talks too much) I explained to my sister that it is harder for me since I have other people here and she just says my family is "horrible" She has selective listening and tries to guilt trip me . I have confronted her but she just keeps up her game playing.

Answer 1

why can't she take your mom? she seems to be real close to her than with you. If she doesn't have kids or a family, then she could take care of your mom and you could help pitch in.

Answer 2

sounds familiar. i have a family of my own and yet i still support my mom, my two sisters and their children.

i admire you for patience and compassion but sometimes in this life we have to weigh some things. you have your own life.

talk to your husband and your son and you decide together. because this is not about your mom, this is about you, your husband and your son.

Answer 3

The situation is to important to be answered on this site. There are several details that should be considered. Due to your moms age & obvious disability of not being able to care for her self. Weither it be due to physical, intelectual or financial.

There is a group that can help you reconize when to help & when to let go. It origanated from familys of alcoholics. Has turned into  help for everyone that is in a relationship filled with manpulation & deciet. Have you ever tryed Al Anon? Yes, it is a lot of family & friends of alcoholics. It is also for family & friends of disfunctional familes. give it a shot. You have nothing to lose besides a couple hours a week. there are no dues or fees. Simply show up. The following is a link to direct you to a meeting in your area. Good Luck.

Answer 4

Here's how you 'deal' with manipulative family members.  You call them about once a month to make sure they're still breathing, to say hello, to wish them well.  You DO NOT gossip about other family members, you DO NOT whine and complain about other family members.  You cut them off when they try to do this as well.  'I'm sorry you're having problems with Mom/Dad/Sister, but I'd rather not complain about them.  How are you doing?'  If they continue to whine, or complain, say, 'Well, I'm sorry you're having a bad day.  I hope it goes better for you.  We'll talk soon.  Love you, Bye!'  Then you hang up the phone.  Plain and simple.  

If they come over to your home, you lay the same ground rules.  No complaining about their problems with everyone else.  They are with you now.  No spending the nights when they have their own homes to be in.  Visit Mom and Dad when you can but keep it short and sweet.  On holidays, keep your ground rules set.  If you are in a room and they are complaining about someone else, walk out of the room.  Come back when they are done, or change the subject on them.  Once you keep this going even your dogs will get the hint.  

And the most important thing you can do is to stop talking about this with your husband.  He is showing the signs of being terribly tired of hearing all your complaints about your family and I'm sure he has his own.  Leave it outside and spend your time with your husband, with your husband.  Not with your mother, sister and father, especially when they aren't there.  Let your husband enjoy you, not wish he were anywhere but there.

Good luck but just start washing your hands of it all.  Drama will only follow you as close as you allow it to.

Answer 5

You have to live your life and make decisions in your life because you see them to be the right moves to make, not because your sister see them that way.

What you want to make sure you do with both parents is make sure you do what you can for each and let each of them know you were there for them. Exhausting as it can be. The regrets you will have later will be on your shoulders and they are better off on someone else's rather than yours.

What you are allowing here is to let resentments of  how the past was detour you from making the right choices. It does not matter how wrong they are to you what matters is that you do what is right regardless of how you feel they wronged you.

If you cut your sister off and close that chapter in your life do it because the relationship toward you is toxic. Not because of how she treated your father. That is between them, not you.

Again. If your mother needs the care you seem to think she does and you can not give it then look into a Methodist Fund to help get her in an Assisted Living Home. The Methodist Church has funds set aside to help people just like her and she does not have to be Methodist to use it. There are ways to get her the help she needs without you and your sister giving up your home.

Give back what you can.