How do you deal with people like this?

Question

People who always try to "Take charge"...or be the "leader"....not at work but in life.....they're usually no better qualified to "lead" than anyone else but continually boss others around....saying things like "I think we'll do this..or that" ...in a decided manner as though there's no argument..and then when you do try to challenge their "leadership"...they make you out to be petty or over-sensitive! What's the best way to deal with this? It's my Mother in Law....but I have met many others like this...

Answer 1

i would say ur not the leader get over it

Answer 2

Welcome to the the world of Mil's. I am happily married and my mother aggressively intruded onto our marriage to a point where my wife was very upset and it was dampening the quality of life as we knew it. It has been many years but I had to take a deliberate step to stop her from being over bearing. It was for my well being and also for the wife and kids. It all depends on whether you have the support of your husband.

Answer 3

First I try to set them in their place - you know let them know that you aren't some push over. If that doesnt work, just ignore it. Let them go around saying what they want you to do, just tell them that you would prefer to do what you please. It's your life, don't have someone control it...you are the one for that job.

Answer 4

relax and don't stress about it, people like that don't last for long if they don't know if they are right or wrong while others with experience might be mentaly affected by this and therefore apply this manner wherever they go, they feel they are in need of this control (which they might have possesed before). you need to understand that person, it may be that it is not their fault just like it is not some one fault for biting their nails, if direct confession does not work then try again but as a group of people, don't give up and try to see what happent when you take away some of that control... will they relaise that and try to stop you or realise that it is not thiers to control.

i know some one like this and confrontation worked for me.

Answer 5

I happen to be a naturally bossy person. It isn't because I enjoy being the boss, but because I feel awkward and strange when I am not in control. I constantly have to know what's going on, what's going to happen, and if my opinion is being included. I suggest doing it yourself. If you want everyone to make a decision, before they even get a chance to, just say,"Let's take a vote. Who wants to..?" They might feel a little awkward, but to know that, even though you aren't into being a follower, you are still considering what they have to say, which will give your mother in law the sense of control she is most likely seeking.

Answer 6

Get a backbone!!

EVERYONE has and is entitled to an opinion.....and in the same vein EVERYONE should listen to and consider each others opinion.

CALMLY ask her to listen to all other ideas first before she decides the way - then ask her if she would like to help organise the groups choice!!

Answer 7

O wow mother in laws are a seperate group of people.  I have a daughter and I hope to have a son one day and when I become a mother in law I pray that I am nothing like the ones that I hear about.  Well look when someone is like that what you do is you change the direction of the conversation.  Lets say you guys are on vacation in another city and the topic is the events you should do for the day and your MIL or whomever is like well this is what we are going to do and they start listing you should say wait hey guys I know this fun place we can go lets do that and shut that person down.  Don't let them go far with their plans shut them down early.

Answer 8

Well you need to decide how important the issue is. If it's important to you then make it known you disagree. Or if possible say have fun with that "I" am going to do it like this. Truth be told she probably just wants to know that you accept her as one of the matriarchs of the family and that you repsect her enough to let her be in charge. This is an age old struggle that sometimes has no solution. But please, please don't involve your husband. I personally am the go between for my mother and my significant other. Both my mother and my lady think they need to communicate through me, and both are mad at me if I don't get it right, or I side with the other party. So I end up feeling beat down and they never learn to communicate with each other. Be an adult, and work it out with her, if you make an honest effort to bridge the gap while still keeping your own identity in the relationship and she undermines your effort, be ready to cut the strings.

Answer 9

I just say deal with this and f**t in their face. You won't have a problem with them going forward I promise.

Answer 10

well you could have a talk with her and tell her how you feel make sure you do tell her how you feel. do u have any younger sibilings do they get treated diffrent than you have a talk with her  make sure your by yourself and if she makes you angry write about and count to 10

Answer 11

i curse them out and dont deal with them if their trying to step on my toes.

Answer 12

If I am dealing with someone like that and I don't want to do what they want to do, I just don't do it. If they get upset I just say that they are free to do what they like and I'll do what I like. If it's a situation where it's several people on a vacation, I suggest a compromise where we do what they chose one day then then let someone else chose on another day. I've had this type situation with an in-law where they wanted to pick all of the restaurants. They just have to get over it that not everything goes their way.

Answer 13

well you just have to voice your opinion...you have every right to do what you chose...you need to let them know what they are doing is bothering you. You should do this in a calm manner cause these types of people usually get all mad if you challenge their self proclaimed "authority".

Answer 14

I'm guessing this is worse for you because it's your mother in law. Remember she is probably just as wary of you and desperate to be your friend because of her son. She might well be trying to be helpful as she has years of experience behind her. Try agreeing with her or appearing to but just do your own thing anyway. It keeps everyone happy. She probably doesn't mean to be bossy you know. I'm a bit the same and until someone points it out I don't realise I'm being like it. I think I'm being helpful!

Answer 15

my mother in law is the exact same. before i knew her for long, i would just do what ever she wanted, but now i stand up to her and have talked to her about it and at first she was like, ok whatever, but now she understands!

Answer 16

Some people have natural tendencies to lead. It takes a strong personality to stand up to people like this. If you do not have a strong/dominant personality, you may have trouble combating these people.

Become confident in your ideas and understand that not everyone will agree with you. Learn to lead in your own way. You may be a much nicer or more personable leader that the forceful leaders that you come across so use your own personal traits to win people over .

Additionally, don't be afraid to sell yourself and your knowledge. If you have quantifiable evidence that shows that you know what you are talking about, share it with the people that you are trying to lead. This will buy their confidence in your leadership abilities.

Be sure that you are leading because you know what you are doing. If you have no clue... let someone else who knows more than you take the lead. You don't want to turn into your mother-in-law.

Answer 17

It's all about control - they are pretty well control freaks and it's part of their normal life.

I usually handle it by saying "Okay, you do that, I am going to do this". It always works, it's not offensive but it let's them know you are not going to be bossed around.

Answer 18

Haha! I hate those types, but luckily, my MIL is cool and not one of them.

What I do with people like that is, basically, the same thing I would do in any situation with anyone: if the person says "we'll do this", and I have no intention of it, I just say "no, you can, but I'm doing that", and if they protest, I literally shrug my shoulders at them and say "do what you want, no offense, but I'm doing this", and then I actually do it. End of discussion, no hard feelings, move on. If they bring it up in the future, acting like you hurt their feelings (that is the game they ALWAYS play when they don't get their way, lol), just chuckle and tell them they sure are being oversensitive, they are making a big deal over nothing, etc. (That gets them!)

They may get pissy the first time, but a lot of times, I find that it only takes the one time for this type of person to realize I will always go my own way and they had better get over it. I'm just not in the habit of trying to force others to go my way like they are.

Answer 19

Thesre is only one way to handle somone like this. You have to make them think that what you want to do was thier idea.

Example

If the two of you were deciding on a car to buy for you and your husband /wife and say you want a smaller car. Try not to open with "I think it should be a smaller car"

Try and open using somthing she said to make your side of the argument.

for example

if she had been talking about efficiency say.

"you know I was thinking about what you said earlier about efficiency  and I think you might be right" then you would steer her towards th car you wanted.

I know your not gonna buy a car with her but you see the principle. You have to be the bigger man/Woman.  If I want my boss to do somthing at work I always use this method

good luck

Answer 20

Ohhhhh --- yep, my mother in law is like that too, bossy, intrusive and rude.  Don't make the same mistake I did and let her get away with it for 13 years.  I discovered that I could exert my own opinions by simply letting her speak, and then saying "Those are all wonderful ideas, but we are going to do it this way .....", or "Your input is appreciated, but we have already decided to do it this way ....".

As a matter of fact, my niece and I are hosting a Bridal Shower for my nephew's fiancee.  My mother in law is their grandmother.  She has already tried to butt in and take over, not once but several times.  Just this weekend, when she started bossing us around about decorations, invitations, food, etc., my niece and I let her speak, then thanked her for her opinions.  Of course when my mother in law saw the box of stuff already purchased for the shower, she made tacky remarks about all of it, and we just looked at her shook our heads and continued making our plans.

Answer 21

My MIL is like this too.  She declares her opinion as absolute truth.  I have finally just decided to say "well, I am not sure that's how it is" and then proceed to tell her what i have heard or read, etc.

I don't know your situation specifically, but I wish you luck!

Answer 22

have your own plan ready or say that you dont want to, for whatever reason, you'll do it another time. parents still think they have to controll everything even when their own children are parents. they think they have the upper hand with experience but the world changes so fast that they are the ones who could do with help. generally though they just want to feel needed, and that their help is wanted.

Answer 23

I have a nutty aunt like that and I handled her by doing exactly what I wanted to without her and when she went on and on about how this should be like this etc etc I just kept quite..........finally she got the message and doesn't talk to me much and I'm in peace. Without creating a scene I kicked her out of my life.

Answer 24

Generally, with MIL issues I always say talk to your husband about dealing with her, he knows her best, but if he's a for real mama's boy, he may be very ineffective.  In general, I just jump in with my own idea but in a helpful tone of voice, like I thought we were all chipping in here and if they try to be intimidating, I ask "well, dosen't everyone's opinion matter?"  I'd be interested in how you're challenging their leadership.  If you're coming in with another opinion, there's no way for them to turn that into you being petty, but if you're just challenging them because you don't want them to be in charge, and you actually have nothing constructive to offer instead, sorry to say, but you are being petty in that situation.

Answer 25

Electrical shocks help to dissuade undersirable behaviour.

Answer 26

OOooooh!  Mother in Law!  touchy!  

Try saying something like:  I think we should discuss what to do.  Or Let's do....

But mothers-in-law often think they're qualified and allowed to do that.

Answer 27

well seem like u already got a lot of answers to read so ill try to make it short.

firstly i dont know about mother in law but ppl like that are always coming in ur life, its like one goes another comes around. The best way i feel is that let them yap all day with their opinions but u should think over what the person said and if u got something better just let the person know without any rudeness or in funny tones.

i hope it was help.