How do you deal with the pain of a child being taken away?

Question

I have 2 daughters of my own that are 6 months old and 23 months old and I raise my 3 year old niece. I am single, but I get child support and spousel support from my ex and will start working again in a couple of months.

In the end of October I decided I wanted to adopt a child of any age. So I talked with some agencies and I was put on their lists.

They called me the day after Christmas saying that a couple had a baby and couldn't keep it because of fincacial problems and their age(they were only 17). I rushed to the hospital and the couple met with me. I got to hold the babby and they said that they were going with me.

Two days later I recieved a call from the agency saying the couple had chosen someone else to adopt. I was so crushed!

I told them to keep me on their list, but I am still increadibly upset! How do I deal with this pain? I got to hold the baby in my arms and look into her eyes. HELP!

Answer 1

I'm sorry, but there is always that risk. If it helps you, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Birth parents have several months to change their minds (from what I've heard). What if you had raised her for months, then had her taken away? All you can do is hope the new people will love her as much as you would have.

Answer 2

Hey man, be thankful you only got to hold the child. I raised mine for two years before he was stolen out of my arms. I nursed him at my breast, watched in helpless horror as he almost died due to prematurity, nursed him back to health and took care of his medical needs to ensure he stayed healthy and alive, helped him learn to crawl then walk and finally run, heard his sweet voice call for me, cuddled away the owies and monsters and was on the receiving end of the most magical hugs and kisses and then I had him ripped from my life. Imagine that h**l.

***edit

If the shoe fits...

Answer 3

I'm sorry you haven't gotten more support on here.  Sometimes people can be very closed to the feelings of others, particularly if those feelings directly conflict with their own views.

Adoption often involves pain and loss, for ALL parties, and I'm so sorry for what you experienced.  All you can do is move forward, and look to the day when a child is placed in your arms forever.

God bless, take care.

Answer 4

I know you must be heartbroken, but just thank God for the children you already have.

Answer 5

Why would an agency let a divorcing couple adopt a child?  This makes no sense to me.

The agency you are using sounds very shady.  You may want to look into an agency that is more ethical.  This does not seem right to me.

ETA:  There is no way an ethical agency would even present a divorcing couple to a family looking to place.

Answer 6

I'm surprised you formed such a quick attachment to a child. But if the same thing happened to me with a puppy I would be equally crushed. Your name is on their list right? I'm sure you will find another unwanted child that needs a home, they all look the same as babies anyway lol.

Answer 7

well my advice for this incredibly heart renching time is to keep going at it, this probley the baby wasnt meant for u (no offense) but im sure there is a baby waiting and wanting to call u momy so keep trying to find that baby!

Answer 8

why would you WANT to adopt a baby when you are a single mother raising 3 babies all ready?.that just does not make sense!. why on earth would an agency give you a baby when there are hundreds of married couples who are infertile and would welcome a newborn. don't get me wrong,i am single and would adopt if i reached early menopause,but i would not take on a baby on top of 3 i already had!.

also i am adopted myself and i just can't see why/how an agency would consider you.and,lastly,would someone giving up their baby REALLY want it to go to a single mother of 3 ?.i don't think my birth mother would have wanted that for me!.

Edit-- you are asking how to cope with the pain of a child being taken away?  try carrying a baby for 9 months,giving birth and having one quick peek.then not seeing that child again for 29 years! .that is what happened with my birthmother.you need to get a grip on what REAL pain of losing a child is,and not just on here looking for attention!

Answer 9

I believe it will just take time hun.

Answer 10

I would take it from the point that everything happens for a reason. Remember, it could have been you that got the baby and the other couple could have been crushed.

If there is a child out there that was meant to be in your love and care, it will happen. You will be all the more grateful when it does happen.

Good luck!!!

Answer 11

Maybe they gave the baby to someone who has no children and never will unless they adopt.

Answer 12

Wow, when I clicked to read the question, just the wording in the topic had me convinced you lost your existing children to adoption.  

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to put this delicately.  Until the termination of parental rights is signed, any baby matched with you whether you hold them or not is not yours.  The one common theme I have read in blogs of potential adoptive parents is the ones who have the hardest time emotionally with failed matches are the ones who have already jumped to feeling entitled to the baby.

In your additional comments, it sounds like you are also upset with the birthparents for choosing someone else to raise their child.  One of the few things that domestic infant adoption birthparents have some control over is making sure they seem to be comfortable with who is adopting their child.  If I hadn't chosen who my son was placed with, I would have been devistated.

Anyway, sorry that the adoption match didn't work out.

Answer 13

I can understand why this is upsetting you but the parents went with someone else for a reason. I would say that most likely they opted to go with a couple instead of a single Mom. Also since your own children are so young they may have felt you already had your hands full.  In fact I think that you may have your hands full already and should wait until your 6 month old is older before adopting. Not trying to say you shouldnt adopt but to give it some time first.

Also- I just have to say this sorry if it sounds rude- your ex husbands child support money should go to his children not some other child you adopt!

Answer 14

You have three small children. You are living off of the support of others. You will be going back to work soon which will mean all three of your children, plus any new baby, will have to be in full time daycare. Why on earth are you trying to adopt??? You already have your hands full. Take care of the children that you have. Haven't you ever held babies that aren't yours before? Yes, they are precious and it's easy to become attached. But you only held this child for a few minutes and thought it was yours for two days. I think you'll be okay. Furthermore, if you are this distraught over holding a baby for a few minutes and not being able to keep it, I really don't think you are emotionally stable enough to adopt another child. Take care of the kids you have and get your life together.

Answer 15

Okay, I have to ask, why in your present situation do you feel the need to adopt another child?  You have three very small children and their ages demand a lot of your time.  Plus you are not independent.  You are living off child and spousal support.  And you mentioned your going back to work in a coupkle months, which means the children you already have are going to have to adjust to being in childcare.  Should you really make them adjust to a new family member as well?

Are you recently divorced?  It seems like you are trying to fill a void, but doing so by adopting a child is not fair to anyone.  

I'm sorry you were hurt by not getting to adopt the little one, but at least you were only there for a short time,not days, weeks, and months.

And are you sure the adoption agency is credible?

Answer 16

I will tell you that I had given a baby up for adoption at an early age.  I choose to go to adoption.com and search that site.  I found a couple who I questioned and really searched before I made any choices.  The way that I put my daughter up for adoption was I chose a open/private adoption.  You need to look into a person who is older than 17 and is more mature.  I have seen ALOT of people go thru the same thing that you have gone thru and it is unfortunate.  Adoption.com also has a chat room that you can chat in with other people who are looking to adopt or who are giving their children up for adoption.  It worked for me, and hopefully you will try it, and see how it could help you.  Get someone who is older and more responsible who is willing to adopt their child to a loving family.

Answer 17

From someone who know.....this happens often with adoptions done in the US.  What's worse is that sometimes bio parents will come back years later and say that they were under duress during the adoption and fight for them back.  I know that this sounds horrible but it seems that this problem happens a lot less with international adoptions.  There are so many children in our own country that need homes, and international adoptions are expensive but after having your heart broken like this a few times it starts to make sense. I saw my own mother go through this on multiple occasions until she adopted my brother from Mexico.  He is so smart and articulate for a three year old! Sometimes people will question our family or make racial remarks but he is worth it and we are grateful everyday to have him added to our family.  I am so sorry about your pain, I know if you are anything like my mother it is soul crushing.  I wish you the most comfort and the best of luck.

Answer 18

Wow. I'd say that agency did the right thing. That baby might have been cute to hold for a few minutes, but what if she started crying at the same time as the 6 month old, the 23 month old, and the 3 year old? (Yes, I've been there.)

You decided you wanted to adopt 2 months ago, when your youngest was only 4 months old. Two babies only 6 months apart? Four babies aged 3 and under? Why would you want to do that to yourself?

I think the agency and that other family did you a favor, even if you're not ready to look at it that way just yet. You need to take some time to concentrate on the babies who are already in your life.

The pain you feel is from something else. It was triggered by holding another baby for a few minutes, but it can't really be about that baby. Maybe you're overwhelmed from taking care of 3 small babes. Maybe you're still mourning the breakup of your marriage. Maybe it has to do with the circumstances that brought your niece to you. I recommend talking with a counselor (maybe your minister?) to find out what the root cause of your pain really is.

Answer 19

You must be going through a pretty bad agency if they never bothered to prepare you for the fact that having one cuddle with someone else's baby does not mean that baby will be joining your family

I am sorry if you have been misled - that's really cruel