How do you deal with your significants past?

Question

Now dont misunderstand the question, because I'm not the psycho person who hates her significant because he slept with some raunchy people...but, when my hus and I were dating, I already knew of his "history" with other women, who I felt extreme resentment for because I knew "why her?" and of course, obviously he's mine now...its just a woman thing to feel, and I'm sure there are some men who feel it too- what I hated though is how it kinda brought my self esteme down, which, is not something I dwell on. Im just curious..is there any body out there who experienced something similar, how was it and how did you deal with it?

Answer 1

I tell people I don't care but deep down I do - I think we're in the same situation.

Don't feel depressed - maybe he wanted someone "cheap" before he moved up to you!

Answer 2

Most of the time, I find how I relate to the person I'm dating (and their past) corresponds to how I feel about my own past. There were certain stages of my life where even thinking about the person I was dating with another was too much for me. At that time, I had relatively little experience myself, so much of the problem was feeling they had an advantage and I was just a fumbling bumbling idiot.

My last relationship was interesting because the person I dated was very experienced (married when we first met, 3 kids) but because I felt I had alot more understanding of myself and faith in my own experience, and because we did alot of talking about it, her past didn't make me feel jealous so much as intrigued. Instead of thinking 'how could you do that with them' I thought 'I wonder if she would think of doing that with me.' The more I saw myself as having access to her entire life, and giving her permission to have a past, the less it started to bother me. We actually explored things she did in her past with others and things she had never done before with anyone else, so that there wasn't that sense of her having these things blocked off from me. In actuality, it was my past that wrecked the relationship, not hers, and I am very glad to say we were good friends even after it ended, probably because of all that.

People get jealous and insecure when they feel powerless, when they feel the person has a dark spot they can't reach; maybe what they had with that person was 'real' and they are still secretely pinning for them while being stuck with me? Its a major reason why guys like girls who are virgins, no past for them to worry about (so they think.) Sometimes, finding out your other half did it on a carousel, when you've never been out of the bedroom together, can make you feel like they've had something you haven't. Taking a trip to an abandoned amusement park, and making up your own memories, is actually a great way of putting those insecurities to rest. Can't be angry or insecure about him and carousels when you have your own memories to compete with it.