How do you define "mother"?

Question

This is not meant to be baiting or inflammatory. I'm totally serious about this. I've been struggling with this word for months, and I thought some of you might be willing to help me.

Part of my problem is that some people want to define it as the woman that was there to pick you up when you fall, raised you, and took care of you. I understand and am sympathetic to that definition. But then my adoptive mother, who did not have custody of me after my parents' divorce, wasn't there day-to-day to raise me and take care of me. She loved me, and I her, but it was the day-to-day work of being a mom.

If we say she is still my mom because she cared about me, even though she couldn't be there all the time, then it would seem to apply to my first mom, too.

It seems like there is no good way to define this term that is going to cover every case. But I'm still interested. I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Answer 1

Like you've said, there are many different ways to look at it.  I think you just need to look at a bunch of different definitions and combine them to make your own (just like it sounds like you're doing).

Some feel that it only takes carrying and giving birth to a child to be a mother.

Some feel that it's a woman that cares for a child in a loving, caring, compassionate way, regardless of who birthed the child.  

To me it's the latter.

It's like that saying, "Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad"- however that saying goes... the same could be said for a mother/mom.

**Since we're in the 'adoption' section, I'll put this spin on it- I gave birth to a baby girl seven years ago.  I became a mother then.  But I don't feel I was a mother as in a MOM (mother) until I had two more children later.  But the woman who adopted my baby became a mother (MOM) right when she adopted my baby, although she had never given birth.  Kinda cool, eh?

**(2)  Ya know, I wasn't adopted.  I was raised by my biological parents.  But I too, know what you mean about my mom loved me, and I her, but it wasn't the day-to-day work of being a mom.  My mom was always busy working, or doing her 'projects'.  But she certainly was my mother, right?  So, so was yours.   We just might not have had the mothers we wish we had.  That's been tough for me, as it sounds like it's been tough for you.  But it doesn't have anything to do with being adopted or not.  IMHO

Answer 2

I understand the struggle as a fellow adoptee Phil.  In a "perfect" world, the woman who gave birth to you would be the same one raising you.

The way I see it, is I have two mothers.  Like it or not, there are two.  Each played a different role.  Neither are less nor more.

Answer 3

Any of the following:

A woman who conceives a child

A woman who gives birth to a child

A woman who raises a child

Answer 4

Good question, Phil.

Before becoming a regular on this forum, I would have said that a mother is the person who raises a child. The person, like you said, who is there to pick you up when you fall, etc. Now I know better.

My son has two mothers -- the one who gave birth to him and the one who is raising him. My son's first mother has never been and will never be a secret. She is spoken about openly and often. Should he want to contact her in the future, he will have my support and assistance. I have learned a lot from the people who post here and I appreciate all you have taught me. I now know it takes nothing away from me if and when my son reunites with his birth mother.

Answer 5

my definition:

a woman that is willing to put the best interest of the child first and foremost. willing to sacrifice and love no matter what the situation is. a woman that guides, secures and gives the best life they possibily can to their children. a woman that is willing to endure the pain and agony along with the pleasures and peace.

a woman that would suffer to ensure the happiness of her children.

you take my definition any way you want. but to me that is the most importent attributes of a mother.

Answer 6

I agree with Wishmasters answer.  In the case of an adopted person, you could say you had/have 2 mothers.

In my personal opinion, the only definition you need to rely on is what's in your own heart.  Whichever woman or women you see as having played that role in your life is a Mother in your eyes, and they're the only ones you need to worry about.

That's just my opinion, and like you say, it will mean different things to different people.

Good luck, I hope you get some good answers.

Answer 7

The only person who can define that word is you.  Whoever YOU define as your mother IS your mother, regardless of what anyone else says.  I understand this topic can get a lot of people hot under the collar, and there are plenty of different definitions...but no one is necessarily wrong here.  Your definition works for you, and everyone else can make up their own minds.

Answer 8

I would say that "Mother" in many ways defines who that person being you would define a mother. If you think that a person who cares and loves you is what a mother should be then so be it, but if you think a mother is someone who is always there for you 24/7 and does all that brady bunch or leave it to beaver stuff then again it's all up to you. Everyone has there own definition of a mother and for me it's the women who raised, loved, cared for me and most of all is not just a lending ear but my best friend. She knows how to be my best friend and when to take on that motherly role. My mother never baked me a cake for my birthday or had cookies and milk waiting for me when I got home from school. She never helped me with my homework or talked to me about the birds and the bees. Instead she was a working mom that tried her best to provide for her family. Would I trade all those so called missed moments for food on the table, clothing on my back or a roof over my head. I would say No ways. She loved me and if she didn't then she wouldn't have worked her self tired. There is differences and opinions of what you would view a mother as and it would be for you to look deep inside your self and find what you would view a mother to be and not what society claims a mother should be. If you ever got married and had children what would you expect from your wife that would make her a mother? I am a mother of 3 children and for me "Giving my life for my children would be the ultimate sacrifice a mother could make" weather or not the child is ligitametly theres. I asked my husband if he ever needed to give blood to save his child or his mother and he could only give one person....and this was a hypethetical question...but I asked him who would he give his blood to and he said his mother. I said nothing but when he asked who I would give my blood to my kid or my mother I said my child because my mother would understand and have lived her life and would want my child to have a chance to live there life. My husband just walked out the room and didn't say a word. But at that moment I understood what or who was more important to him. Well I Hope that helped.

Answer 9

How about I just let Webster define it.

As a noun:

1 a: a female parent

   b(1): a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women

   b(2): an old or elderly woman

As a transitive verb:

1 a: to give birth to

   b: to give rise to : produce

2: to care for or protect like a mother

Well, I didn't have to put together my own, because Webster did a fine job for me.  But, it definitely encompasses both my adoptive mom and my first mom, as well as a few other women in my life who have been, according to this definition, mothers.  So, according to the dictionary, society recognizes both first mothers, adoptive mothers and even other women who have had maternal roles in our lives, as mothers.

Answer 10

In my personal opinion. A mother is someone who loves you, nurtures you, raises you, is there through your achievements, is there when your knocked down, knows you inside out, talks to you, laughs with you, crys with you. I could go on and on and on.

The person who wanted me is my mother and she earned that title.

Just because a woman gives birth to a child, and has plans for adoption, doesnt mean she earns the title as your "mother" She is only your "mother" in theory not in principle.

My birth mother is a good friend of mine. She said and i agreed, that she could never have a mother/daughter relationship with me, because we are infact strangers to each other. My birth mother doesnt know my nature, she wasnt there in my life, she hasnt looked after me. She gave me up.

I will make a stand in saying that my birth mother is NOT my mother. Just a friend, just a number in my mobile phone just like all my other friends. Thats it for me.

Same goes for my birth father too. No one can replace your parents. And it sickens me that  adoptees can just reunite with birth parents and just act like they were never given up. It doesnt sicken me when adoptees look for there birth parents, that would make me a big fat hypocrit if I said that.

How can anyone replace your adoptive parents?

How can anyone have a relationship as in parent/child, with the person who gave them up? Its impossible to have a parent/child relationship with first parents and adoptive parents at the same time.

I will never understand that and It will allways be offensive to me.

Answer 11

well i gave my daughter up for adoption 7yrs ago and i don't consider myself any less her mother.  No i never raised her, yes i did give birth to her but i look to the future when we meet again when i can be a bigger part of her life. It takes a mother(IMO) to give a child up for a adoption and it takes a mother to raise a child.

A mother can't be solely defined by one meaning, i consider myself a mother in every way to my daughter as her adoptive parents do.

And just because i wasn't able to raise her then doesn't mean i won't be able to later.

Answer 12

Well I think the card stores help out with that some, given all the "like a mom to me" cards there are for Mother's Day. And if she adopted ya and you called her mom, well I guess you got to have two. : )

Answer 13

I think that this word could mean different things to everyone you ask.  To me it is someone who loves you and cares about you.  This person will never stop loving you no matter what happens and will try their hardest to make sure you are happy.  To me, it sounds like you probably have two great moms.

Answer 14

I think everyone's situation is a little different and many people define their relationships according to their own rules.  (I walk into a sorority meeting and have dozens of "sisters" for example)

I've also thought about this quite a bit over the years.  When I was a kid, friends would sometimes ask if I wanted to meet my "real mom."  This got me thinking.  For me, my birth mom is my mother in the most technical sense of the word only.  She gave birth to me and by definition, she is my mother.  

But my Mom is the one who raised me.  When I'm crying my eyes out over a bad breakup and want my mommy to comfort me, she's the one I reach out to.  When I fill out emergency contact information, she's listed as my mother.

Even within non-adoptive families, you get all types of mothers.  I once dated a guy who was unnaturally close to his....to the point of keeping her framed portrait on the wall of his bedroom.  I know others who never felt close to their mothers at all.  I have a friend who has had all of her children taken away by CPS.  Does it make her less of a mother since she doesn't currently have custody?  I don't think so.  I had one employee at my last job whose mother called to complain about the performance appraisal I gave her daughter.  The woman who sits next to me at work calls each of her 3 grown children at least twice a day to chat.  There's a whole spectrum of mothers, step-mothers, adoptive mothers, foster mothers, and so on.

All I can say is that you have to find terminology that is comfortable for you.  Maybe that means you have a "mother" and a "mom".  Personally, I hate using the "adoptive" and "birth/biological/natural/" labels to describe people.  Just find the terms that fit for you.

Answer 15

Hey, Phil. Here's my definition of "mother":

moth·er

–noun

1. a female parent

2. (often initial capital letter) one's female parent

3. a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent.

4. something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source

- verb

1. to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward

2. to perform the tasks or duties of a female parent; act maternally.

I got this from dictionary.com, and it works very well for describing MY personal definition, but I have to point out that I agree with Gaia Raain completely - definitions are subjective, and just because it fits my understanding of the word "mother," I wouldn't assume that this definition works for everyone. Even Noah Webster has been regularly criticized since the 1820's for his efforts to remodel the language into his own perception.

Answer 16

I make the distinction between parenting and mothering....I see parenting as that person who invested thousands of hours into your upbringing.  But I honor the fact that to give birth, to be a "mother" is something you remain always once you give birth.  I have worked with women who have lost their infants at birth (death not adoption) and they remain mothers.  The process of pregnancy and the connection to that child remains forever and certainly this is true for those who lose their children through adoption.

But, honestly I personally struggle with comments that bio moms are just as much mothers, or that bio moms are viewed just the "same" as adoptive moms.  I feel that this minimalizes the role that both have played.  It minimalizes the loss of the bio-mom to say that she is just as much the mom because, truly, she hasn't been and for her this is loss.  It also minimalizes the role of the a mom who feels that the hours and time and heartache she has put in are not being respected.

My mother remarried a man when I was in my twenties.  I have never been able to refer to him as my "step-dad" because, though I love him very much, he never fathered me as a child.   I just feel uncomfortable with it.  I feel the same way about my bio mom-I just don't feel that I call her mother  because she never parented me.  But I haven't met her.  I know that you have met your bio mom and so this is completely different.  If I ever do meet my bio mom, perhaps I will feel different.  For, now I feel that the best way to honor her is to acknowledge her sacrifice and the connection I have to her...but not to equate that with what my mother has given me.

Answer 17

Why waste time parsing the word mother if you are not "baiting" and being inflammatory? Who else would bother doing this, unless you are Bill Clinton and want to debate the meaning of "is"? It is crystal clear you want to continue this "war" that you and your gang have waged.

I define "mother"  just as dictionaries do but add: with love, emotional bonding and attachment. I don't believe for one second what you claim in your first sentence. You have too much time on your hands, imo.

Answer 18

Tobit gave a great answer.  But I'd add another reason:

INSECURITY on the amother's part.

Answer 19

Although your question is deceptively simple, it brings to light a common aspect of many words.  You have to realize that many words have two meanings.  

The DENOTATIVE meaning is the naming, designative, dictionary meaning that is normally considered a fact.  Most of the world understands the denotative meaning of the word mother.

The  CONNOTATIVE meaning of a word has the power to imply or suggest something in addition to what is explicit, and this is where feelings and emotions can influence our personal definitions.  What does the word mother connote to you?  This is the definition that will be different for every person and could (I guess) be debated.  

The lack of a full-ranged, widely agreed upon lexicon to describe and talk about adoption, to denote connections between people is a pity that we should all be working to correct.

Answer 20

Definitions are hard, especially in English, because we have words coming from so many other languages and cultures. That's why it can be a waste of time to get too embroiled in semantics.

I like the dictionary definition, because it does include all the possibilities.

Technically, I have two mothers. In reality, neither has ever been a "mom" to me, but there have been other women in my life - including one who offered in all seriousness to adopt me late in life - who have taken on that role. So how many mothers/moms do I have? And how many should I have?

I think every human being deserves to have at least one "mom" in their life, no matter how many "mothers" have a claim on them. But I know many people are not that lucky.

Answer 21

How do I define mother?

About 5'9", 150lbs, long dark hair, permed and streaked blonde, the same awesome green eyes as me, my nose, my chin, my ears, my hands, my feet, my sense of humor, my laugh, my opinions. My maker, my creator, my first love, my everything.

Answer 22

Love, from birth to death and beyond. If you had one give you birth and another cover all the stuff inbetween birth and death, then in my opinion you have 2 mothers. Wheather you claim to have 2 mothers is a matter of personal preference, just like any other citizen. Some children only have one mother and still don't claim them.

Answer 23

Phil,

This is an understandable problem.  I don't have a solution for you, because I think it is a personal issue.  I suggest you consider why you have resistance to calling your nmom, "mother."  If you understand the reason, maybe you can work through it.  I'll try to explain by way of example.

Imagine a situation where a woman passes away during childbirth.  The baby is a little girl and cared for by her father.  As the girl grows up, she refers to the woman who passed away as "my mother."  Even though she never met the woman, nobody would question the girl's choice of words.  

Now imagine 3 months after she is born, the girl's father re-marries.  Her new step-mother is a loving person who protects and nutures her.  The girl even calls her "mother," and loves her immensely.  Nevertheless, people would understand when she refers to the woman who passed away as her mother as well.

So what is different about adoptees using the word for 2 people?  There are at least 3 reasons: 1) rejection, 2) stigma, and 3) possessiveness.   Concerning rejection: the adoptee was rejected by his mother.  She did not die as in the case above.  It is difficult to call a person mother when she turned her back on you from the moment of birth.

The second reason concerns the stigma of illegitamacy.  The popular image of natural moms continues to associate them with sinful behavior.  Whether this is true or not, the image is so imbedded in our minds, that people want to seperate themselves from it.

Finally, there is the issue of possessiveness.  If I raised a child, I might be somewhat hurt if she were to call someone else "Dad."  Adoptees, of course, don't want to hurt the people who raised them either, and thus its hard to call another person "mother."

Personally, I do not use the word "mother" for my nmom.  For me, its mostly the first reason.  If a relationship between the two of us had grown after reunion, I might have been able to overcome this.