How do you determine if you are "Favoring" one child over another?

Question

I have a 8 year old stepson and a 5 year old son. My stepson has started defending everything he does with "Well, if he did it, HE wouldn't get in trouble". He tells me all of the time that I treat my son better then I treat him. I honestly don't think that is true. He has gotten into the habbit of saying something like this everytime he gets in trouble for something. Example: This morning, the boys were putting on their coats, and my stepson was picking on my son. I told them both to cut it out, and started down the hall. I stopped, just out of sight, and watched them. My stepson hit my son in the arm. I told him not to hit, and he told me that I never belive him, that he was hit first. I told him I watched what happeded, and he told me that my sons gets away with everything and stomped out of the house. This is ongoing now, and I'm at a loss. I treat them the same!! Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Its very normal that he feels that way, just be equal when it comes to punishing them for what they do.

never take sides they will pick on that.

sit with them and explained to them that you have unconditionally love for both of them

Answer 2

i would talk to your husband.

after that, sit them ALL down and tell them your side of the story, then let them tell theirs, and maybe compromise!

Answer 3

he probably feels that his own mother didn't love him enough to stick around, and that will make any child feel unwanted.  i have a niece whose mother dumped her on her grandmother pretty much from birth, and she struggled with self-worthiness issues all her life, she is 23 years old now and still feels the burn of not being wanted even though her grandmother and uncle showered her with love.  

i think you're doing the right thing.  you're letting him know that he is loved, but you're also not letting him bully his younger stepbrother.  i don't think there's much more you can do on your own, other than encourage your husband to be affectionate with both children.

Answer 4

The first thing that you have to get through to you step-son is that they are to totally different people. This Has nothing to do with him not being yours. I have 2 girls and I get the same thing. They are to different ages and have different rules to follow as the older one should know better on a lot of things. It is up to the older of the two to show the younger one how to act. We always seen to give a little more to the youngest as they don't always know better but you do have to make rules and punishments that go hand in hand so no matter who does what wrong- the punishment is the same.

Answer 5

I think its normal.  If it wasn't a step-child thing, it would be 'he is younger so you treat him better'.  Just be as fair as you can between them and maybe try to have some games/playtime that builds a relationship between the 2 boys and you as well.

Answer 6

there might be more to the story like my brother always get in trouble for hitting me and i no i hit him first or just say somthing im just sneaky about and never get caught

Answer 7

I udnerstand where u r coming from..

My 9 yr old son is from a different father and knows it.. my husband and i have had soo many problems with him.. (his father is not in our life and never was) The best thing to do is make sure your husband and u r standing together.. i see it happending more when we (husband and i) fight... we now have a 2 yr old son together and our 9 yr old does the same thing to a 2 yr old.. ahhhh u jsut have to be there for him.. and hopefully he will come around.. for the last few  months we did get my son into seeing someone.. hoping that will help. i believe if your child can't talk to u then he needs someone.. i wish u goodluck

Answer 8

It is a really hard situation to deal with. Many children feel as if tier siblings are being favored or treated different(step child or not).

I would suggest talking with your step son(not right after something happens, just a random time). Let him tell you how he feels, and what he wants from the relationship. You may be able to get a better understanding of your stepson if you listen to what he says.

I think it is important to talk to your stepson about it, if he is saying it than he must be feeling it. When he talks to you do not judge, just listen. The best way is to reflectively listen. Do not defend your actions or your son, just listen to him. When you reflective listen you basically just repeat back what someone is saying.

There is a book called Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

by Adele Faber (Author), Elaine Mazlish

It is very informative and gives good examples and techniques on getting your children to get along.

Answer 9

I think it's normal.  My daughter is 6 and my son 3 and she ALWAYS says the same thing.  I don't even think it is an issue as I can tell you make sure you treat them both the same.  Just make sure you have one on one time with both of them, even if it's only 5-10 mins.  When you have that special time with him let him know how you feel.  Ask him how he feels and assure him you love him alot.

Answer 10

If one is obviously the alpha, which it sounds like, then you can always accept that he is the alpha but teach him to be kind and fair or start doing games and activities that they are both equal in...no winner, no loser, just creativity.  Projects, crafts, art, and so on...these things have no clear cut "winner" or "loser" although the alpha may still be present atleast it isn't black and white and cut and dry.  Good Luck.

Answer 11

Uhhh where is the dad in all of this? Are you both in agreement in front of your children?

Also, I would make sure that I am not treating one better than the other. Do you ever reassure the stepson, or are you just on the defensive with him all the time. Maybe he just needs to be reassured that you love him also..... if you do

Answer 12

Well YES you are favoring your son in this situation.  They are brothers they both should have been in trouble.  He is the big brother, and big brothers pick on small brothers.  For sure you are favoring your child there is no doubt about it in my mind.  Just tell him nicely, "Honey you have to be nice and take care of your brother; because he is smaller than you and looks up to you.  Or you let the father punish both and you keep quiet.

Answer 13

my two cents worth: it appears to me that 1) the stepson is very insecure in  the situation, (hitting his step-brother??)  2) he is manipulating you. As the father of 4 boys, I hear this from  them too, so take heart! it is impossible to treat every child indentically because each child is different. 1)Do what you can to make the step son feel part of the family. that does not mean he always gets what he wants, as you know. 2) do not allow yourself to get manipulated. Do not try to argue with him about being treated fairly. you  do not answer  to him. maybe something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, but we are  going to do .....  anyway." if things do not improve, I  would suggest professional help before things get out of hand. good luck!

Answer 14

it's natural for you to treat you own son slightly better than your stepson, it's not right but its what happens. it's hard to tell if you are treating two children differently as different children need different levels of interaction, so spending more time with one could be seen as the same by the two children becasue one is less needy than the other. does that make any sense?

Answer 15

That's tough!

You need to have one on one with your step child and reminds him how much you love him as much as your son, but that it hurts you when he's being mean or when he lies. Take turn with each child and go out to the  movies, stores or just some ice cream. This will give you some bonding time with him and he may start to feel that you really care for him. He sounds like he has issues, talking to a child counselor might help. Its better to do it now at this age than when they become teenagers. Take turns going on a "date" with each child.