How do you ever get over something?

Question

In the last question I posted. "When was the las time you cried?" I told how my step dad shot my pup because I was not doing my homework right. I have long since forgiven him and he is out of my life. But it seems that ever since that I have always had to have things done right. I strive for perfection in every thing I do. In college my average is a 4.0 and I don't give any clothing the go ahead if it doesn't meet my standard of perfection in my company. A lot of people tell me that is what made me so successful today. But I know it all stems from not wanting to be the next one shot in the head like my puppy. In a way, failure scares me and makes me feel everything is unbalanced. But how do I get over that feeling?

Answer 1

There are two types of achievers.

Those who want to achieve because they like winning and those who want to achieve because they fear losing.

The latter can never really reach the peak of their potential because they are motivated by negative feelings. Find positives to motivate you :)

Answer 2

This sounds like a traumatic experience. There is probably a counsellor at your college you can help you to deal with this. I'm sorry that you had to experience that. Obviously the man had some issues.

From my POV "failure" pretty much always can teach us something valuable. In this case I'd say the lesson is not about you and what you should change about your behavior to save the life of your pup, but more about the step dad and loss and love and how though the situation was put to you like you were the one in control, it was actually your step dad that was in control. I hope you don't carry any guilt about that. I don't think failure keeps us unbalanced but rather help to keep us balanced. If you never failed at anything imagine how different you'd be. Also if you never failed at anything until, say, tomorrow, imagine how hard coping with that failure would be compared to a living a life with lots of failures and lessons on both improving to not fail next time and lessons on how to deal with failure. Another way of looking at it is this, you're just another human like the rest of us, you're not any more important than anyone else. If/When you fail it is of no more consequence than when everyone else does. This is, of course, not an insult, just a perspective adjustment. :) Another way of looking at it is this. Though you perceive yourself to be failure-proof and successful, is it possible that the perfectionism is, in a way, a failure? Like a failure to recognize that you're more than a bunch of details all in a row, more than all of your dotted is and crossed ts? Also, like a failure to let yourself off the hook and forgive yourself for the dog which wasn't your fault and for all of the little and big mistakes that we all make? :)

To get back to the question, however you get over something, I believe the way is not in perfectionism. To forgive myself I think about what happened, I recognize that I am human and quite likely to mess up from time to time, I then think about what I can learn from the mess up. At this point I tend to feel somewhat grateful for the unique lesson I learned from my own unique experience. I think about how I'm not the only person who ever has or will mess up in  a similar way. I think about whether I'm being harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else who did the same thing. Than I ask myself who do I think I am to be so hard on myself, a saint? :) Then I forgive myself. I leave the pain, frustration, over inflated sense of importance, and embarrassment and I take the lesson, the gratitude, the wisdom and acceptance. This also helps you to forgive and accept others which is really essential in relationships. There is so much in life that you cannot control and for this, perfectionism just doesn't work. What you can control and what does work is how you deal with what happens, do what you can within reason and accept what you can't and move on.

Best Wishes!

Answer 3

Only time heals

Answer 4

Talk to your friends, share with them, and ask for help .....go get a new puppy, and take good care of it...spend some free time with yourself, go to Bush Garden, and shake, and scream out those failure that scares you...don't think too much...reamember, talk to someone helps.

Answer 5

first of all thats messed up tat your dad did that but just get over it dont think about it okay and you will feel better

Answer 6

That is really messed up what your dad did. Im sorry.

I dont think you can ever forget a thing like that...

You should work through it.

Do little things that drive you crazy start small..

ex: leave a hair out of place...

spell 5 words wrong on your papper on purpace...

do small things work your way untill you know that makeing a mistake is ok and that you will get through it.

prove it too yourself...

test your bonderys.

Answer 7

allow yourself to make little mistakes now and then--gradually you will see that nothing extremely bad will happen and that you feel more relaxed

i'm really sorry about your dog.  some people just don't know how to raise kids.

Answer 8

Log off and make up another personality.

Answer 9

I'M SO SORRY MANY THINGS HAVE BEEN BAD IN YOUR LIFE BUT YOU HAVE TO KEEP TELLING YOURSELF YOUR GREAT AND YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS WITHOUT THOUGHTS OF FAILURE. JUST LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND THINK OF ALL THE THINGS YOU ARE THANK-FUL FOR. SAY 1 THING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. AND ALWAYS RETHINK THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN EVEY ONE WHO HAS HURT YOU AND PLEASE FORGIVE THEM AS MUCH AS IT HURTS.

Answer 10

Therapy.....

Answer 11

well, thats really traumatizing so it would take awhile. everyone is different. the worse an experience is the longer it takes-

sorry about that its really messed up-

Answer 12

i would get professional help honestly, man that guy is such an @ss. I can't believe he would do that I would have had him charged with animal cruelty

Answer 13

Some things we will carry with us for our entire life.  There is no getting over them.  Coming to terms, accepting the facts and forging on.

Answer 14

If you want to feel like you don' need to get crazy high status on everything, what you could do to remedy that is fudge something up. I don't mean like grades or anything but start minor. Example: say you're going to go to the store before it closes to get milk (or something that you may actually need) & just not do it. I know, bad example but you get what i mean. Just start off little & when you realize that the end result isn't as disastrous as you thought it would be, it should calm your nerves a little.

Answer 15

Simple. You never do. It is something you must live with.

     The most you can do is try to understand it.

Answer 16

To lose the fear of failure you have to find out what is causing that fear and next realize its irrational...All fear is irrational it is created in our minds

Answer 17

The fact that you are aware of this is a good sign.  I think it shows you are in tune with yourself.

Stop and smell the roses...

Forgive yourself.

Answer 18

You should proboly see a theripest.You cant get a proffesional answer that will truly answer that kind of question on yahoo answers.

Answer 19

you never get over it...all you can do is cope....try to look at it in different ways then try to live differently.

Answer 20

Eat lots of icecream and you will feel much better.

Go to therapy maybe?

Answer 21

Meditation

Answer 22

well that is just horrible that your dad did that he sounds like a horrible man i would just runaway! but he isnt in your life so i really dont think you need to be scared hun but i totally understand why you feel that way!

Answer 23

EAT!! EAT!!

Answer 24

This may sound a bit strange, but there's a line from the Beatles song, Fixing a Hole, that always comes to mind when I'm thinking about where to 'draw the line' between what is 'optimal' and what is 'good enough'...

"And it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, where I belong I'm right -- where I belong..."

Don't you find that you are at your best when you are where you really feel that you belong?

You didn't belong associated to a man who cruelly killed your dog.  You belong associated to people who will empower you to be your best, but also recognize where you don't necessarily belong, and accept you for being less than optimal in those places.

Good luck!

Answer 25

You seem to be blaming yourself in a way for your puppy being killed.  It's certainly not your fault, even though you weren't doing your homework.  It was cruel punishment from a cruel man.  So now you're trying to knock yourself out and be successful.  That's ok but you have plenty to be positive about.  People will value you as a person and everyone has the odd failure so it's still never going to be your fault.

Answer 26

This is a major incident in your life and you need to work through it with a therapist or hypnotherapist.  Otherwise, it could potentially continue to cause problems for you in your life.  This was a horrible thing to have happen to you... it was both emotional abuse and animal abuse and should not have happened.  It was not your fault and, to be honest, I think that there is no way this man should be forgiven.

Answer 27

See a therapist.

Answer 28

Get a bf and get married.

Answer 29

Stop being emo.

Answer 30

You need therapy badly IMO.

Answer 31

Maybe you don't. Maybe it makes you more sensitive to others feelings. You have to accept it. Know that it happened and you can't change it. But, now you are older and life can't move forward til' you put this way behind you where it belongs. Maybe a little girl in heaven needed your puppy more. Failure is just a sign that somebody's trying. Be strong. Don't EVER give up !