How do you explain death to a child?

Question

My husband's mother is terminally ill. It's very sudden, but the doctor's see no real hope. The last time our children saw her was just a few months ago (May) and she was fine. Fortunately there have been no other deaths in our children's lifetimes (they are 6 and 4), but I would like to know some of your experiences. Our family isn't religious so I don't think heaven is the best option.

We want to take them to see her but I'm worried they'll be afraid of the hospital. I recall visiting my grandfather in the hospital when I was about 8 and being very scared. Even though she isn't herself, I know she'd want to see her grandchildren who mean a lot to her before she goes. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Answer 1

We, unfortunately, had quite a few family funerals before our kids were 5 years old.  We are agnostic.  

What we did was explain to the kids, in words that they could understand, that Grandma's body was broken, her heart stopped working & the doctors couldn't fix it.  We talked about how, most of the time, doctors can fix what's broken, but in everyone's life there comes a time when they just can't.  

Then, we talked about the different things that people believe happens to a person after they pass away - heaven, nothing, reincarnation, etc.  And, let the kids decide what they want to believe on that (or decide that they didn't know what to believe & that that's OK).  

Sorry to hear about your family's impending loss.  I hope it goes peacefully for everyone involved.  

Answer 2

Hi sorry to hear your sad news! Have you seen the story waterbugs and dragonflies by doris someone or other? It is on the web! It explains death to children, it is a lovely story that a vicar used to use at such times! You can buy a little book on it with little pictures! Adults find it useful too!

Answer 3

There is a video series called Harold and the Purple Crayon.  It is based on the books.  It's awesome...it explains lots of things that can be difficult to explain as Harold experiences them.  Death is one of them when Harold's goldfish "Goldie" dies.  It is incredible.  It talks of leaves and flowers dying for the winter, and other things as examples and covers the goldfish, too.  I love how it explains life and how it begins and ends and how people can be carried on in our hearts.  I highly recommend it.  

Each of the series are about 30 minutes long.  It's narrated by Sharon Stone in a very soft voice.  It's Fabulous!!  

I used to play it for my daughter when she was younger just before bedtime because at the end of each series Harold pulls up the covers and goes to sleep happy and peaceful.  When Harold went to bed she knew it was time for her to go to bed too...and she never gave an argument!  Wonderful!

If you're interested, see the link below:

Answer 4

Tell them that death is when a body wears out far too much to continue. When that happens people's brains "shut down" like computers and can never restart.

Answer 5

I'm not sure if they are old/mature enough to visit a relative in the hospital. If you do decide to take them make sure that they are given the option to see her. Don't force them to enter the room, give her a hug, etc. Prepare them as much as possible before going into the room making sure you describe the bed, the wires, so they aren't caught off guard. When my four year old came to the hospital to see me after his baby sister was born he was scared and didn't come to me right away. If they haven't seen grandma in months you need to be prepared for the fact that it could create an awkward situation at the hospital. Just be prepared with plan b if they refuse to see her.

I explained death to my four year old in the simplest terms I could find. I told him that when a person gets very, very old their bodies stop working and that sometimes there is nothing that the doctors can do to help them. Their bodies just stop and we won't get to see them anymore. It makes us sad when someone dies because we miss them and it's okay to cry and be upset. I don't recommend telling them any of this until after she actually passes away. Otherwise you'll likely be asked over and over, did grandma die yet, which could be uncomfortable for everyone to constantly explain.

Answer 6

if you arent religous that might be tough to tell them anything that wouldnt be frightening. I would bet they will worry some, but most of their thoughts will depend on how your mother in law acts around them. If she is ok, they will probably be ok. Even if they are somewhat frightened i wouldnt think they would stay that way very long. If you dont bring up religion i would just be careful how your husband acts, or what he says around them.

Answer 7

well you should tell them granny isnt felling well right about now and she is going to relocate    so that she will not be in as much pain as she is in now.shes relocating to a place very far away...i dont think you really have to say heaven ...but you no. if she does past.just comfort her.

Answer 8

Oh my... I am so sorry.  This is such a difficult question, and to be honest, I am dreading being in your position when the time comes with my own father, who is 77 and in kidney failure.  In fact, it scares me because I have only had to explain death to my 4 year old one time.  

This was a couple of months ago, when our dog had to be put to sleep because of inoperable cancer.  It was soooo hard.  Our family is not religious either, but I still chose to go the Heaven route because I didn't know how else to offer her any kind of comfort.  We explained that she was sick, and she died.  She asked me when she was coming back, and (through tears, of course), I explained that she wasn't, because she was in Heaven.  As I expected, she asked me where that was, and I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't have second thoughts telling her it was "up" there, in the sky.  (Very difficult for a child this age to understand.)  I told her she was all better there, though, and wasn't sick anymore.  When she asked me when we could go visit her there, I could barely even stand it... and I think she cried hardest when I told her we couldn't.  

It was so awful, and all I could think was, this is our dog... what in the world will we do when this is one of her grandparents?  

A few weeks later, she even came to me again crying, because she wanted to know how Lexie (the dog) could be happy in heaven without her favorite toys, that were still here at the house. :(

PS- I was terrified to tell her that everyone dies, because even at her age, she is a perceptive kid... and I was afraid she would then be scared of us dying, or herself... etc.

I wish I had better advice for you. This is just how we handled it, and I truly don't know if it was the best way or not.  I wish you the VERY best of luck, though, and if you figure it out, I'd love it if you could email me and let me know!  I hope that, whatever you decide, it goes as smoothly as possible for you.  My heart goes out to you and your family.

Answer 9

My deepest sympathies to you and your family at this very traumatic time for all of you.

There are various pamphlets available to help with explaining - if you have a look on amazon.com or elsewhere, you'll be able to find some. Also, http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.h... may be helpful. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful than that :(

Answer 10

Life and death is all nature and maybe that's the way to attempt to explain it to the kids? Try the lovely flowers and butterflies etc. All nice and living happily one day and along comes nature and its time to go. Apply it to ALL living things so they see its a part of life, sad as it may be. You probably have a family pet and it can be used in the explanation of lifespan. They will surely ask what happens after death and this will require some imagination!! Without dragging religion and heaven in, I see no harm is setting it out as people who have been kind and good, like Granny, probably have a wonderful time after they pass on, meeting all their friends who went before them. The bad people can be left out for now. They will have enough to contend with.  As for the fear of the hospital...Why fear? Is it the smell of disinfectant? Most kids are into Nurses and Doctors and a place where people go to get better etc. Really sorry about your Mother-in-law, its not easy but you will all get thru it as we all have to. I would recommend a cheerful entrance on the visiting day! You may not believe in Heaven but sometimes little miracles do happen. Good Luck.

Answer 11

I would take them to see her, and I am sure they would want to see her.  Just explain to them what death is, don't lie about, but maybe make it a little better than it exactly is, like sweeten it up some.  Also tell them there is nothing to be scared about in the hospital.  But my daughter was in the hospital about a month ago, had a near death experience (though she is fine now), and her twin sister asked to go visit her, it was good for her to see her.