How do you explain to your spouse that a friend's kids are special needs?

Question

my best friend has two kids who are in special needs classes for emotional development. one may be autistic and possibly has tourettes. (working on getting tests done) sometimes the kids hear certain words on the bus and then say them over and over again.

my husband is NOT tollerant of these kids (and not just for the occassional cuss word too) and does not want our kids to hang out with them. He's mad the one kid dumped a whole container of fish food into a fish tank and killed half of his fish in there (they reproduce real good plus there was @70 fish in a small tank, so it needed to be thinned out! haha)

My spouse was in special ed classes from 3rd-12th grades, so you'd think he'd be at least somewhat understanding.

I think his dislike for the kids stems from him not wanting me to have friends myself. I am very close to my friend; she's like a sister to me. I feel deep down inside he hates the kids because i am close to their mother.

what is wrong with him?

Answer 1

I agree with Char up there.  He is just being mean and taking the grudge he has against your best friend out in her children.  I mean, the only thing you can really do, is have the children over when he is not around.  It sucks to feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your S.O. because he doesn't like your friends (or family, as was my case).

Answer 2

Honey I'm sorry to say it but he sounds like an a*****e.  Don't let him hurt those tender little feelings.  You have the kindest heart and the sweetest spirit I've ever seen.  I'm sorry that you are having to put up with this kind of intolerance.  **huggles you so tight** ♥

Answer 3

how does this scenario stack up?

Special ed kids get a lot of teasing and bullying. Once your

husband got out of those classes he must have felt happy and proud not to be "different" anymore

having these kids around is reminding him what he used to be like, which from the bullying he HATED about himself. Also he feels he somehow overcame it,  these kids should do so, too, and is mad that they haven't. Because he took pride in his own improvement, and feels it was all his own doing, he is blaming them for not trying hard enough.

So he's afraid they might drag your kids down. And that your kids might be subjected to bullying by association.

you've been together long enough to have school age kids, if he didn't want you to have friends you'd have found out by now.  He hates the kids because they remind him of himself, and only dislikes your friendship because that is why these miserable reminders have come into his life.

what to do?  keep seeing your friend and her kids, trying to keep it to times when hubby is not there (or go to her place),

Tallk to him (NOT when they just did a disaster) how the kids only need time and help, after all see how he himself got to be okay, you understand he's not keen on reminders but he cant ever really forget, while he's reminded anyway he could get these kids improved faster by passing on to them some tricks and tips HE used for getting better himself.....

this type of thing, that lets him turn his embarrasment or self-loathing into something positive to be proud of.

do this privately, and make some deal about YOU keeping a strict eye on the visitors; the improvement tricks could usefully  begin  with keeping out of rooms where you get people mad at you?

do not stand on your rights and dignity about keeping your friend. that will  only buy arguments and stubbornness. turn the whole thing into a chance for hubby to gain more pride by passing on his self-improvement expertise.

Explain to YOUR kids their friends' behaviour is not always acceptable so they shoud lead, rather than follow.

hope this helps a little and God bless

Krisz  :)

Answer 4

I too agree with Char...I just want to give you a BIG hug hun....you're a beautiful person as much on the inside as you are on the outside.....you deserve better...

Answer 5

tell him to find somewhere else to go when the kids are around.

friends last longer than men any day