How do you feel about bmom's and grown adoptee's becoming close friends? Is it disrespectful to their parents

Question

I have a great relationship with my daughter now that she has found me. He parents are not ready to meet me after 8 years. I would like to tell them how much I respect and admire them for giving her such a good home and family. She was well cared for. I could never take their place in her heart nor would I want to. To both of us they are her parents. I just wish I could tell them how much it means to me that she is such a great person because of them and how relieved I am that she got a good home.

Answer 1

Hi Lori,

Welcome! I'm so happy you and Rachael are reunited again!  I think it's fantastic & heartwarming that the two of you are close friends.

Your motives toward establishing a relationship with her adoptive parents are admirable.  Keep in mind that Rachael would also have turned out to be a great person if YOU had raised her.  The adoptive parents are the ones who had all the joys of parenthood that you missed out on.  After 8 years, if they don't want to meet you, they probably have some unresolved issues surrounding adoption.  Lori, I don't think you should put too much pressure on yourself to fix that or to have a relationship with people who are that uncomfortable with the situation.  While you seem very receptive, they do not, and it's their loss really.  My view is you do not owe her adoptive parents a letter, especially in light of the fact that Rachael has reservations about that idea, and she knows them better.  In fact, I don't think adoptive parents in general need to be involved in the relationship you have between you and your daughter.

As long as any two people are consenting adults, they are free to form any relationships they please.  It's unfortunate that some adult adoptees still feel like they need adoptive parental permission to do anything.  I know personally of many adoptive parents who actually try to conduct the searches or control them in some way.  The reality is reunions are not really about them at all.  You have every right to have a relationship with your daughter without society thinking that's disrepectful to adoptive parents.   It's not.  Enjoy your time together & I'm sorry her other parents feel that way.  You should view that not as a rejection against you personally, since they do not know you, just that they cannot handle ANY relationship having to do with Rachael's natural family.  Again, congratulations on reuniting with Rachael.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 2

I am a birthmother and I've reunited with my daughter. We had our first meeting in 2001, her mom and my husband and her met at a restaurant. It was awkward for all of us and her mom doesn't want to know us or about us. Her Mom was a little mad that we had found her. My husband wanted to send her gift for taking care of our daughter. My husband is her birthfather and we eventually married and had a son. Our son knew nothing about his sister and was raised an only child. Still after 6 years her parents don't want ot know us, and that's fine. We are not trying to take their place, in fact we know our place in our daughters life. We are friends and are working on a close relationship, I know her mom feels threatened and I'm sorry for that, but I feel that adoptees and birthparents should be allowed to meet. My daughter will be 36 years old in Jan. As much as I might want to be called Mom by her, I know she already has a MOM. I'm just thankful to know this beautiful and bright woman.

Answer 3

I don't think there's anything remotely disrespectful about an adoptee seeking out and becoming close to his or her birth mother.  It's a natural curiosity and for many, they feel they are not complete until they DO fulfill that longing.  You sound like a wonderful person for even being concerned for her adoptive parent's feelings.  That's very mature and sweet of you.  Some adoptive parents might feel somewhat threatened by a close r'ship between their adopted child and the birth mother.  Most would be fine with it and would completely understand it.  If you want the adoptive parents to be comfortable with the r'ship, I would write them a heartfelt letter telling them what you've told all of us above.  This will show them that there's no reason for them to feel in any way threatened by your r'ship.  Then, they might welcome a r'ship with you.  They should seeing as how YOU are the reason they have had a wonderful daughter to love and raise.

Answer 4

I think what you are feeling, is very normal, and your "fear" of what you believe they are feeling is normal as well. For ANY adoptive parent to say that those fearful thoughts do not cross their minds, is hard for me to believe.  Even though I know that my daughter is My Daughter, I do know that one day, she will want to know her birth mother. My job, is to make sure that I am able to provide her with as much information that I possibly can, so that she feels more secure about herself, and her life path. I'm not the important one here, and I know I have to put my feelings aside. With this gift (my daughter) came certain risks..........I knew that from the start, I can still get teary eyed when I think of the entire situation, my gain, her loss.........kindof puts things into perspective, huh? Anyhow, again, my job is to give her the best life I am able to, and I am very determined to do just that.

As far as your contact goes.........don't push it, sounds like you have been given a great gift as well, enjoy your daughter, it appears she has everything in the proper perspective!

Answer 5

My first mother and I just reunited a few months ago.  I'd like to think we have become good friends, and really, I do think of her as one of my mothers.  My adoptive parents have been basically supportive, though neither of them have really jumped at the chance to get to know her, though I think my amom would like to exchange letters and even meet her.  

As much as I love and respect my aparents, this is my life.  I can make my own decisions.  They have always respected my decisions.  My relationship with my first mom isn't about my aparents.  It's about her and I.  I would be devastated if my aparents couldn't accept that.  

So I'd have to say that it's not disrespectful in the least.  I wish both you and your daughter well.

Answer 6

There is someone showing a lack of respect, and it's not you or your daughter.

I'm sorry your daughter's adoptive parents are so limited in their ability to meet the woman who brought their daughter into their lives.  Disgraceful.

My own adoptive parents have been dismissive of my  natural mother.  They have met her on two occasions, when my natural mother picked me up at their house.  They met her on the driveway, and didn't ask her in.  To this day WHEN they refer to her, they call her 'your birth mother' instead of by her name.

Like your daughter's parents, mine are limited in human empathy, and emotional maturity.  I'm very sorry that they refuse to rise to the occasion to honor the woman who gave them a wonderful daughter.

I wouldn't push it.  They really don't sound worth it.  Just enjoy your relationship with your daughter, and be happy in the knowledge that you'll know each other for the rest of your lives.

I'm glad for you both!

Answer 7

I call my natural mom Mom, that is who she is to me. She is my mother. If my adoptive parents feel any threat or disrespect that is their c**p to deal with, not mine. I do not feel responsible for anyone's emotions other than my own. I tell it like it is and refuse to belittle my own feelings to mollify another person. I love my mother and I am blessed to be her daughter. End of discussion. Period. She is my Mom and I will call her what I like, talk to her when I like, see her when I like and bond with her how I like. Nobody's two cents need to be a part of my relationship with my own Mother. If my adoptive parents had divorced would they have guilted me into disliking or avoiding one or the other? Same thing in my eyes. I have 7 parents, step, adopted and natural, and I have a unique relationship with each and every one of them.

Answer 8

It's not disrespectful if you set a few little rules for yourself.

Here are mine...

1.  I will NEVER try to be mother to him.  He has one of those.

   I'll be the older friend or like an aunt or something.

2.  I will ask him not to call me "mom" or "mother".  I will gently

   explain to him that the woman who earned that title is the        

   one who raised him.  I would be honored if he wanted to call

   me that, but I would tell him that I feel it would be  

  disrespectful to his REAL mom, the one who was there all

   his life.

By all means, tell them how great a person they raised!  Every parent loves to hear they have a great kid.

**Someone emailed me trying to say I am his "real" mother.  I am not.  I don't care if every person who reads this answer gives it a thumbs down.  If I cared what others thought I wouldn't have reason to post here because I'd never have placed my son for adoption.

That being said... His REAL mother is the woman who raised him, sat up with him when he was sick, waited up for him when he was out on a date, changed his diapers, wiped his tears... That is not me.  It takes more to be a REAL mother than squirting a kid out of a v****a.  All I did was give birth to him, his adoptive parents gave him his life.

Please don't email me about this if you're going to argue or criticize my point.  Because I have had 24 years to think about this and I know my own mind.  If you don't agree, fine, but don't clutter my email with it.

Answer 9

I think its wonderful.  In fact my adoptive mother is very open to meeting my natural mother.

Answer 10

I dont think is disrespectful as long as you know your place is not as the parent.  

Write them a letter, they may want to meet if they dont feel threatened by your relationship with their daughter.

I would be bit 'off' about meeting you if I was in their situation. But you sound like a decent person and they need to 'see' tht before they meet you - write them a letter or email. .

Answer 11

I think it's great.  There are so many birth moms that don't want anything to do with their biological kids after the adoption.  It proves you love her and wanted the best for her.  Give her other family some time.  They might have a hard time with it, but hopefully that will change.

Answer 12

Respect their comfort level, as i think you are trying to do. Try to accept things as they are.

There is no doubt your daughter has told them she knows you and so forth. If she hasn't, it is probably out of respect  for them and their feelings. If she has told them, i am also sure she has told them how you feel.

Enjoy what you have, as it is..

Answer 13

no it is not disrespectful at all. some aparents just have to get over it.

you took someone elses kid. that doesn't mean that the kid should have to be completely lost to save your feelings. i think the aparents have a tendancy to feel like they're expendable at some point after we reach adulthood. never mind alot of us felt expendable the whole time. once we get a connection to our past it's like a big breath of relief and no one should want to prevent that from happening.

I'm glad you and your daughter have a good friendship cause you're right we're grown now we don't need parents. just a connection to something that tells us who we are. don't let them make you feel bad that you found your daughter. she is happy to have her connection. it pisses me off because we're unhappy not knowing and then we find our happines and the aparents get mad because this is the one speck of happines that they didn't have a hand in.

You are doing the right thing and if they come around then they come around but if they don't then don't worry about it. you have your child in your life again. just becasue she was adopted by someone else doesn't change that fact. just enjoy her. if you want to tell her parents how much you appreciate them then write them a letter. weather they respond or not at least you know that you tried.

Answer 14

I absolutely think you should write them a letter. I'm not sure why you haven't -- if there's some reason why you are scared to or don't want to. I am an adoptive mother and I have been on and off in touch with my child's birthmother since he was born -- 12 years ago (actually exactly 12 years ago tomorrow!) and we are always exchanging tremendous thanks and praise (she makes me feel truly wonderful!) for what we both have. My son and she have not met but, someday when my son is ready, they will and I am looking forward to the relatinship I hope they can develop -- not as mother and child because I am definitely his mother in every way and would never do anytiing to jeopardize that in any way -- but more as a very special closeness that most people never have. I think my son has an angel (or several of them more likely) who thinks about him and loves him constantly. He ahs his parents and his family and then he is additionally blessed to have a world of people he has never met that know about him and love him. I am always grateful to his birthmom for giving him the love and care that he needed to develop and, as I told her when he was one day old, I only hope I can do as good a job in raising him as she did.

Your child's adoptive parents are most likely feeling scared and threatened and anxious about who you are and what you want. But, once they see from your sincere letter that you want nothing but the positive, they will come to see how lucky they and their child are to have you.

Write them a letter and give them time to process their feelings. Don't push things too quickly. Let your daughter take the lead in how you proceed after that. I think the best way may be to let your daughter orchestrate any meeting between you.

Good luck and know that there are those of us who don't know you at all but have tremendous respect for who you are.

Answer 15

I absolutely do not think it's disrespectful at all.  Maybe you'd like to write them a letter if they're not comfortable meeting you, so they could better understand your position on everything.  :)

We have two adoptees in our family - one was adopted in (my dad's cousin - adopted in the late 1940s), one adopted out (my mom's cousin - adopted in the 1950s).  Both waited to find their birth families so long that they missed meeting their birth parents...they'd died of old age.  But they've both been able to meet their extended birth families, and all of us couldn't be happier.  We know that we are my dad's cousin's 'first' family, but we're so glad he's met his birth family...same goes the opposite way for my mom's cousin.  We are thrilled to have her and her husband and children as part of our family, and we know that her adoptive family will always be her 'first' family...and that's OK!  :)

Answer 16

Honestly, I think it's the other way around - her parents are being disrespectful to both of you. They are being selfish and immature by not meeting you. I just don't get this huge fear of natural parents and possessiveness of their adoptee that so many adoptive parents seem to have. Without you they would not have had the pleasure of raising their daughter. Good parents strive to be supportive of their children's needs. They are acting like children.

Answer 17

My mom and her bmom reunited several years ago and they have a great relationship.

I know my grandmother was very supportive of my mom searching for her bfamily before she passed away.  She made sure my mom had all of her adoption paperwork.

I would suggest your daughter invite everyone for dinner, something low key.

Her parents may be intentionally staying away out of respect for your relationship (just a thought) with your daughter and not wanting to intrude.

Answer 18

Lori A and Rachel

I like Isabel's idea of a blog. It may be helpful too, with you guys contacting with others that are in reunion.

a helpful site to get a blog going is www.blogger.com.

Answer 19

No, it is not, although it is hard for me to answer your question because I have such a different experience than you do, my natural mother, is my mother, we share DNA, friends don't share DNA, family shares DNA, I also consider my adoptive mother a mother too, but my adoptive mother, I am actually more like my natural mother than my adoptive.  I don't want people to think this means I don't love and respect my adoptive mother, I do, but we are very different.

Your daughter's adoptive parents adopted her because they wanted to raise a child, presumably your daughter is now an adult and they have done what they set out to do.  I would worry more about being respectful to yourself and your daughter, there is no reason to place their needs before your daugthers or your own.

I am sure that if the foundation for a good solid relationship with her adoptive parents has been laid, it will be maintained whether or not you are in the picture.

Good luck to the two of you.

Answer 20

It is not disrespectful to your daughter's parents.  Congratulations on successfully reuniting with your daughter.

Answer 21

You might want to consider (as others have suggested) writing her a letter expressing your feelings.

But, if they don't want to meet you or have any contact with you; I would just find comfort in the relationship you have with your daughter and move on. AP's often (I am not saying all do, I am saying it is possible) seem to want to forget that their child is adopted- and obviously meeting the birth mother is a BIG reminder of that.

Oh..I am so happy for you both that you are now  reunited!!!!!! :D

Answer 22

I FOUND YOU! HEY EVERYONE--THIS IS MY BIRTHMOTHER!!! please welcome her with open arms, like you all have with me.

anyway, mom and dad are scared as everyone else has said. i dont know if a letter would help or not, they are rather 'old school'

no matter what i love you for who you are and what you did for me. if only every adoptee could have the life you gave me the world would be a happier place.

this is how it is supposed to be everyone. the other c**p is an unfortunate backlash of others fears. but i got the real deal. and i couldnt be happier.

ps, dont pick my answer as best, there are tons of great answers to choose from.

♥u

Answer 23

Of course it's not disrespectful. As you say you know they are her parents and your not trying to be her mother just her friend.  you can be friends with anyone!

good luck.

Answer 24

I agree with many others here.

I don't think it's disrespectful at all.

My adoptive mom never wanted to meet my biological parents before I found them.  She said that she supported my search but she wanted nothing to do with "those people" if I ever found them.  One day I asked her why she wouldn't want to meet them.  After all, their choices made her a parent.  I thought they deserved her respect at least.  She came back to me about a day later and said she had never thought about it that wy and that I was right.  And she would probably one day be happy to meet them if I ever found them. It meant a lot to me.

The interesting thing is that now that I am actually in reunion, my first mom is the one who is not really interested in meeting my adoptive parents.  It's weird.

My adoptive mom and my first mom have spoken to each other once on the phone on my birthday.  They both thanked each other for different things.  I think that's enough for them right now.  

And yes, I do consider my firstmom my mother.  My adoptive mom is my mother too but that is adoption.  You get two mothers.  I don't call my firstmom, "Mom" or anything like that mainly because I am not comfortable doing so.  But my kids DO call her Grandma.  They call my amom Grandma too and everybody is fine with it.

Reunion is hard and labels make everything harder.  It's just all hard.

Glad to hear yours is going so well.  Would love to hear more about it.  Do you guys have a blog?

Answer 25

NO, it's not disrespectful for your daughter and you to have a relationship.

However, it's disrespectful of them towards you that they refuse to acknowledge you!

P.S. Don't sell yourself short. If your daughter turned out great, yes, half of that is due to environment... the other half is due to her genetics.

Congratulations on your reunion. I hope her parents come around soon. (((Hugs)))

Answer 26

Like the others, I think it's great that you've developed a good relationship with your birth daughter. This relationship doesn't need to impinge on her relationship with her parents - it's entirely different. I always feel the more healthy love relationships we have in our life, the more enriched we are as people.

Have you tried writing them a letter expressing your thanks? A face--to-face meeting might be too scary for them, but a letter can be read (or not) in their own space and time. Might be a good time at Christmas time to express your gratitude for the good job they've done.

Good luck! And remember - it's not that important for you to have the good relationship with your daughter's parents, that's her relationship and her responsibility.