How do you feel about "birth" mothers who change their minds about relinquishing their babies?

Question

I am trying to understand the feelings of both the mother and the hopeful adoptive parents. I truly understand that the adoptive parents are going to feel devastated, especially if they have waited a long time for a baby. Yet, sometimes they sound really self-centered and selfish with feelings of entitlement to a baby to whom they have no legal claim (albiet there in unquestionably an emotional attachment). I also understand how a woman who is totally comitted to an "adoption plan" can change her mind the moment she lays eyes on her child. Is she a weak-minded woman who should have been able to make up her mind during pregnancy? Did she get caught up in an "adoption plan" not realizing that after giving birth that she would come face to face with her real human baby? Is she a scammer who was just trying to get money?

Answer 1

There are probably a lot of people out there who won't like what I have to say, but Oh well.

I think that any mother who is contemplating adoption should not make the decision until after the baby is born, and she has given herself enough time to play "mother"  so to speak, and to let all of her hormones to die down, which will take time.  If she was to make the decision too fast without taking time to think about what she is really doing, she could very well make the biggest mistake of her life.

No way are they scammers.  It's more a case of wow, I forgot that there was going to be a baby at the end of all this.  I know thats how I thought.  Until that baby is born, it's all just talk and paperwork, and then when that baby is finally born, she finally realizes that this little bundle that she is holding, and falling in love with, is what this is all about.

No one should ever try and bully any parent into trying to adopt out their child.  That child is the mothers until she signs those papers, and even then, that child is still here's in her heart.

Answer 2

It depends on the situation.  I do not regret giving my son up 21 years ago.  His life could'nt have been better with me.

BUT  I cannot stand the women who wait two, three..sometimes 5 years to change their minds and destroy a family and truly, truly hurt the child.

Answer 3

wow, where do i begin...

first, i don't think that a young woman who changes her mind is "weak".  i actually default to the contrary opinion that she is indeed "strong" for standing up to the adoption machine.  usually consisting of adults who are more educated, have more resources and have a vested interest in making sure the adoption plan goes through.

although i do not like to use my personal story as the gospel, after talking with firstmoms and potential fmoms, i discovered that my experience wasn't too different from theirs.  the thing that i learned from these women were: 1) the adoption agencies' mission is for you not to parent; 2) if you are ambivelant, you are told all the horrible things that will go wrong in your life if you decide to parent; 3) if you even talk about parenting, you are immediately told how much pain you will cause the paps; who have already suffered enough.  

in my case, i was told that my "easy conception" was seen as a slap in the face to many couples who were unable to get pregnant.  yeah...i know.

although i think a young woman should be fully on board with her adoption plan, i do know that it's almost impossible to know what you're dealing with until after birth. as such, i think all of this 'pre-birth matching' is a bit freaky and coercive.  

as for the scammer claim: what about the "scammers" who don't encourage her to hold the baby after birth, to bfeed or call her a birthmother the moment she calls the agency for help!?

i don't know.  i just think women who change our minds are viewed as the most vile and evil in the adoption game. i often wondered, why is it more hurtful to have a failed adoption then to relinquish?

i have one more question:

what's with all the paps in the delivery room, cutting cords, taking pictures and looking up in ole' girls' naughty bits???  honestly, the thought of some skeezy 40 year-old dude getting a bird's eye view of my va ja ja (grey's anatomy) just because he dropped a couple grand for an adoption is beyond sick and twisted.

to amy b:

although i can sympathize for your loss in adoption, i have to say that many of your assertions are a bit unfair.  first, I was one of the "poor, young" women you speak of.  sure, it was difficult for the first few years until i finished college, but i did it.  also, to assume that all two-family homes are better than single-parent homes is a logical fallicy.  many people were raised in single parent homes and turned out to be law-abiding citizens. in contrast, many in 2-parent homes turned out to be little turds. the point i make is that generalizations are not fair.

you also mentioned that you have a child via adoption. so it appears as if you got what you desired.

i just find it a little unfair that bmoms are expected to endure pregnancy, labor, delivery, body changes, leaking b*****s, soreness and all that comes with bringing a little life into the world. yet if she even has a second thought about parenting, she's selfish. unless you've experienced pregnancy and delivery (and this is not to be mean or marginalize your infertility) it's unfair to say what a bmom should or should not be able to do.

Answer 4

Until she has signed the termination paperwork that's her right.

I think it should be illegal for any money to change hands between the expectant mother and the adoptive parents, this will hopefully stop the scammers and reduce the possibility of coercion.

Answer 5

I feel really happy because the baby gets to be with his/her mother, and that is precious.

I am sure it is disappointing for the adoptive parents, but the thing is they really want ANY kid, they aren't attached to any particular child, although most really just want their own and are willing to console themselves with someone elses.

There are lots of children waiting for parents in care.

They don't need a shiny newborn, and hey we come with problems too, just like kids from care.  We lost our moms too

Amy B:  Unfair assumption, when I had my son I didn't have a car, heck I didn't even have a bicycle, my best friend let me borrow hers and we put a bike seat on the back.  He is now a senior in h.s. techinically I  now own two cars, mine and his, I didn't stay a poor teenager, I went to school and run a business now, and I did a h**l of a lot better job raising my kid than the "stable, married couple with everything to offer" did raising me.

It is not all about money.

I have something they didn't have, I am his mother.

Answer 6

How do I feel about mothers who choose to parent rather than place? Glad that is it in a nutshell. Too many times women who are pregnant and even menition the word adoption are coerced into surrender. (yes, I know what a lot will say about that, but it is the honest truth it happens alot) They are not given the time to really consider after birth and because of that too many surrender when they would not have if given the time to heal and learn how to mother their child. You don't realize the end result is this little person who makes your heart swell and the very thought of anything happening to that child brings you to tears. Adoption before birth is an abhorrent concept, and should never be allowed. There are states with no revocation period, and there are states where it is as little as 24 hours. Sadly even if a mother contests and tries to stop the adoption within the revocation period she most often loses her appeal of the surrender. All those things make me sad. As for scamming, it does not happen as often as people think. I think someone mentioned money being repaid. I wasn't given a dime, I had insurance and paid my own Dr so what should I have paid back? For the attorney fees and the agencies salaries? Yeah I didn't think so either..

Answer 7

she shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place....there are steps the prevent that and sources that are FREE.  THINK BEFORE YOU HAVE s*x!!!!!!

Answer 8

I'll start off by saying I am an Adoptee.

There is no easy way to give up your child. It's as simple as that. In my birth plan, my birthmother wrote that she did not want to be left alone with me. Why? Because she was afraid of that strong rush of maternal affection that comes when you hold your baby, look at her little hands and feet, see your chin on her face and your fathers eyes...it is very very difficult. Does it make her weak? No. It makes her a mother.

My adoptive parents jumped through a lot of hoops to get me. They met with a lot of couples and had a few options. Important to keep in mind, there are always more babies who need homes. I'm sure the adoptive parents would feel disappointed, but they almost always have other options.

My adoptive parents specifically closed my adoption records because my mother was 15, and unable to enter into a legally binding agreement, which is what an adoption is. They did not want to take the risk that she would want me back. So they closed the adoption and did not give me any information other than her name until I turned 18.

So, in conclusion, no, not a weak-minded woman, and no, not devastated adoptive parents, just disappointed.

Answer 9

She could be all of those things. I guess it depends on the individual birth mom.

I feel that someone who has just given birth goes through so much emotions that they truly did not know they would have.

That is what makes them change their minds. But if that happens, they should make arrangements to pay back the money that was paid in their behalf to doctors or hospitals etc.

Answer 10

I think it depends on the situation.

If its a young girl who didn't realize what she was giving up (maybe her parents were influencing her) then I feel bad for the girl.

If its a druggie (or someone abusive, whatever) - I feel bad for the baby, because that baby is going to have to grow up with them.

Answer 11

A mother is a mother forever. Do I regret signing those papers? EVERY DAY! The tactics used by agencies to get natural moms to sign can border on emotional abuse.

Do I feel badly for potential adopters when a deal sours? Sometimes, but not all. Too many adopters are only looking out for their own best interests, not that of the natural mom or the child.

Answer 12

I honestly feel bad for the parents who were planning on adopting the child.  To be so close and then pulled away so far must be overwhelming and heartbreaking.  But I also feel that the birth mother often has many outside sources pushing and pulling her in every which way to make the decision of adoption.  By the time she sees her baby for the first time it just becomes her and the child and THAT's when the decision is all hers.  I can completely understand how that love and connection outweighs any paperwork or past pressures from outside sources.  If the mother is a drug addict, jail bird, etc I of course no doubt feel even worse for the adoptive parents but 10 times worse for that little baby who will grow up in turmoil.  I think that these "druggie" cases however are few and far between though and ultimatley it will always be the birth mothers choice.  I cannot imagine what a tough world it is out there for parents looking to adopt.

Answer 13

I don't think birth mothers who change there minds after they relinquish their babies are horrible.  As for the money part I am not sure where that comes from, birth mothers are not paid when placing their birth child in an adoptive home.

The key to whole process is counseling for the birth mother and support so that when she is making the choice to relinquish her child that she is making it with all the facts.  If she is provided good counseling and emotional support the chances of her changing her mind are less.  The pain you feel after you relinquish a child is one that no-one can imagine.  

Every birth mother goes through a period of doubt and wanting to take back their baby, during this time is when they need the support and reminders of why they put this plan in place.  If they do change there mind then that is also there right.  Pregnancy is tough enough, planning an adoption makes it tougher.  I am coming from the view point of a birth mother and feel the birth mother needs all the support.  

I can understand the pain of the adoptive parents loss if the birth mother changes there mind but that is one of the tough things about adoption with so many emotions involved the potential is there and the baby is not their's until the baby is relinquieshed and the adoption final.  

That is why I suggest proper counseling  for all which well help educate everyone on the realities of the emotions coming there way.  Until you are in that type of situation you can't understand all the emotions, pain and decisions that get all jumbled together.

Answer 14

My answer actually comes from experience on the PAP side of things, unlike some who are just speculating about one side or both.  

My husband and I were "chosen" by a birth mother as adoptive parents for her child two months before it was born.  She was the one who called her caseworker when she went in to labor and told us to come ASAP!  We lived 6 hours away and the baby was 2 weeks early, so it took us a little bit of time to get there.  We were NOT in the delivery room and we were NOT there when the baby was born.  In fact, we didn't get there until about 11 hours after we got the phone call and 9 hours after the baby was born.

When we got to the hospital that night, the birth mother had already told all of the nurses about her adoption plans and who we were, etc.  She even had gotten them to arrange a hospital room for us where we could stay right there at the hospital.  She arranged for us to have id bracelets that matched the baby's so that we could go into the nursery and hold her and even take her from the nursery to our room in the hospital.  Let me add, also, that the caseworker was at the hospital for a short time before we arrived, but not again for over 24 hours.  

Somehow, somewhere in all of this, she flipped sides completely and just decided to parent.  Let me also add that she had no job, no car, no drivers' license, no place to live (except the couple from her church who had been letting her live with them during her pregnancy, who were out of town when all of this took place.)  The father broke things off with her before the baby was ever born and already had another girlfriend.  He was at the hospital, though, to see it through.  He had helped to "choose" us and wanted the baby to be placed with us because of what he had seen his sister's daughter go through being raised by a single parent with no stability.  ACtually, she was being raised more by his parents than anyone.  He did not want that for HIS daughter because he loved her.  He wanted her to have stability and security and TWO loving, married parents.  He was VERY upset when the mother changed her mind.  What about his rights?  It was half his child, too, right?  And he wanted what was best for the baby.

I will get thumbs down for my answer, I'm sure and people will tell me that I am just selfish.  WHy??? For wanting to give this baby girl stability, security, a good life that her birth mother obviously could never give her???  What would be best for the baby???  To be raised by someone who is incompetent and an unfit parent rather than my husband and I who had so much to offer the child???  Let's look and see that it was really the baby's MOTHER that was selfish in robbing her child of a good, stable, secure life with a good family rather than a single, welfare, uneducated girl with NO family whatsoever.  

IT completely RIPPED our hearts out!!!  If she didn't want to place the baby, she should have decided that before she "chose" us or at least before she gave us every indication AT THE HOSPITAL that she was going to place the baby with us.  No, we did not have any legal claim to the child it's true.  The choice was completely hers and she made it.  No, she was not a scammer - she wouldn't have gotten anything monetary out of the deal.  She had nothing to gain.

It was extremely difficult for us, but I think it was worse for her.  It took a while, but we moved on and we now have a beautiful adopted daughter that we wouldn't have traded for anything.  THings happen for a reason, as hard as it may be to see that at the time.  

I feel bad for these unwed mothers who change their mind during a very hormonally charged time.  Yes, the baby is cute and they feel a huge out pouring of love for it, but what they don't comprehend is what it really takes to raise a healthy, balanced, confident, secure child.  It's not just about money, it's also about a child having two parents who are married and honor those vows and each other.  Having a positive male role model in their lives as well as a positive female role model.  And so much more!!!

The thing about adoption is that everyone on every side could really be accused of being selfish, but really everyone is trying to do what THEY feel is best for the baby in the long run.  The birth mother who places her child for adoption believes she is giving the child to people who could give it the kind of life that she couldn't.  She is hoping that by placing the baby with an adoptive family it will have a happy, secure life with them.  She does this out of LOVE for the BABY!  The mother who chooses to parent her child believes that her love is what matters more than anything else, even if it means living off of the government in poverty and the baby never has a father figure in its life.  The adoptive couple believes that they can offer a good life to the baby that the birth mother can't and maybe also give the birth mother a second chance at her own life (especially if she is very young and still has school to finish, etc.).  

In short, I think that everyone has unselfish and some selfish motivations.  Who is right?  Who is wrong?  That is for God to decide and NOT us!!!  THat is up to him.  It's not just something that can be generalized.  Every situation is different, just like every mother and adoptive couple is different.  Every agency is different, as is every caseworker.  I really think that everyone involved thinks that they are trying to do what is in the child's best interests, and really, only God knows what IS best!!!

Answer 15

I would hope that the majority of the birth mothers who change their minds are genuine, caring mothers, whose maternal instinct will not allow them to relinquish when the time comes. Not some money hungry monster going around and scamming people. ( I know this does happen, but it is the minority,not the majority).

As an adoptive mother, if this happened, I would be totally devastated, unless you have walked in my shoes "you will not understand" how I feel. To be labled as "selfish" is ignorant of you..........NOT at all how we feel.  Most adoptive mothers have struggled with infertility all of their adult lives.  Most of us have miscarried several babies. Most of us have gone through IUI's, chlomid, IVF, been poked, prodded, suffered emotional highs and lows that are unexplainable unless you have gone through it. SO, the disappointment we feel when a birth mother does not choose us or changes her mind is not from a sense of entitlement..............It is another loss, or another "blow" that knocks us down again from fulfilling our true dream of......................JUST BECOMING A PARENT.

Answer 16

I feel happy for her and her baby.

Answer 17

i just hope everything works out for them, and that she be a good mother to her baby

Answer 18

I think they are the bravest most courageous women on earth!  You'd have to be to stand up to the coercive nature of adoption today.

Yup, strong, brave and courageous loving mothers who knows what is best for her child despite people with agendas attempting to persuade her to go against her natural instincts

Here's a message from one of those mothers, whom I admire greatly:

http://www.girl-mom.com/node/34

Answer 19

I only speak from "age"..So, it is merely an opinion.

It would seem incomprensable for one to think another may not have "second" thoughts about giving up their child when baby finally comes into the world, don't you think?

Think of it, the baby is here! Real, dependant, fragile, would not our every instints dictate, protect, nuture? Feelings i do not think surface, until that moment one lays there eyes, upon this small miracle. If the mother was deciding early on, to adopt out, it could have been for many reasons, peer pressure, insecurities, finances, dynamics of her family situation..At the time the decision was made, i would think in was made in good faith, either for what was best for baby, themselves or both.Maybe at time of birth, situations changed and mother is more able to cope, then at time she made decision? I am sure there may be some, who for whatever reason, are thoughtless, selfish and ruthless, and try to manipluate to gain financially, but i would think it would be few in comparison.

Yes, how agonizing it must be for the adoptive parents, to have what they thought was going to be their child, snatched away by the birth mother. Yet, this having happened many times, as i read in news, why do these parents consider it a done deal?  I beleive history dictates otherwise? I don't even think there should be the ability to adopt, before a child is born, because of these heart breaking stories. I feel, however, if child is born, and mom is still wanting to adopt, then, it should be a solid adoption and she should not be allowed to break that, short of proving cohersement or the like..

Answer 20

Nope.  She's a human being who didn't realize what she had agreed to until she held her own baby.  Being a mother is an overwhelming experience to say the least. It changes you.

A mother is a MOTHER until the papers are signed.  Adoption plan or no.  She is the only mother until she actually relinquishes and her only obligation before that should be to herself and her child.

Answer 21

Our baby was a preemie.  We had some idiots next to us in the NICU, who were both on meth, and had the adoption set, and backed out after seeing the baby.  I say idiots, because they were so unprepared for a baby (and the whole meth thing).  We know all this as there was only a curtain between us as they had discussions with the social worker.

Answer 22

I understand the feelings of both the birth parents and the potential adoptive parents.  Assuming the birth mother did not run a scam and never had any intention of adoption as a possibility for her baby (and lets assume that because most do not change their mind maliciously - in fact many probably feel pressured to go through with an adoption because of the adoptive parents feelings), it is absolutely understandable that a birthmother would change her mind and she has every right to do so without guilt about the adoptive parents feelings.  That being said, it truly is heartbreaking for adoptive parents and when they are going through grief you can see how it would be hard to concentrate on the feelings of the birthmother.  Everyone says that adoptive parnents have to go into it accepting the possibility that the birthmother might change her mind, but it is impossible not to feel the loss when it happens.

Answer 23

I really don't think it's fair for anyone to blame a "birth" mother for changing her mind. If that’s what she wants to do, then so be it. I seriously doubt she’s a “scammer,” just someone who is probably very scared and confused, and feeling a lot of pressure from a lot of people to make a very difficult decision. But I would very much hope that the decision would be made sooner rather than later. When a child’s well-being hangs in the balance, someone needs to step up and take responsibility for raising him or her. That child needs a family, and deserves a family that actually wants them, not someone who is going to play with their baby like a brand new yo-yo.

I’m sorry if that part comes off as harsh, but “Do I want to be a parent?  Maybe, maybe not, yes I do, no I don’t, yes I do, no I don’t, wait - now that it’s here I guess I actually do” is just not acceptable when a child is depending on someone to be there.

Parenting is about caring for the child. Period. The very idea that a soon-to-be mommy might already be saying “wow, I forgot that there was going to be a baby at the end of all this,” doesn’t bode well.

You can’t just “forget” about your child because he or she isn’t right in front of you at the moment.