How do you feel about this piece?

Question

Patient…Heal Thyself

This is going to hurt:

I didn’t see it coming

This is going to hurt:

It’s all so mind numbing

This is going to hurt:

Were things all that bad

This is going to hurt:

Are we really that sad

This is going to hurt:

To no longer kiss you

This is going to hurt:

How long will I miss you

This is going to hurt:

Will we both regret this

This is going to hurt:

How can I forget this

This is going to hurt:

My heart is so paining

This is going to hurt:

My soul is still draining

This is going to hurt:

I’m fighting from crying

This is going to hurt:

Inside I feel like dying

But I’m Not

I still exist-

I shall persist-

There’s too much to miss-

I won’t go out like this.

Mistakes have been made-

The price will be paid-

My last card yet played-

All I need is some 1st aid.

©rad102503

Answer 1

I wish I had a nickle for every time I said "this is going to hurt".  And not just to patients, either...The rhyme scheme is very strong, rapid beating of a breaking heart.

Answer 2

d**n i felt like it was talking to me. I'm a really hard poem pleaser and this poem from a 1 - 10 its the **** i really felt a deep connection but at first i thought it was boring then as i went on it was more interesting and i think there was alot of thought brought into this piece this is one that if you actually put forth the effort you will push it far man i really like it my honest to god truth

Answer 3

That 'This is going to hurt' line really DOES after a while. Needs work, but one of your better ones. (Harsh but fair, that's me.)

Answer 4

i like the words, etc. you've used - its a nice poem.

however, after the 1st few lines, i found "this is going to hurt" a bit too repetitive [it does have a dramatic impact initially] & i started to skip it. my humble suggestion would be to use it before a string of at least 2 or 4 lines rather than every alternate line. it'll probably read better. just play around with the placement till it reads fluently without losing its impact.

hope this helped

all the best.

Answer 5

Reminds of the song "Love Hurts" (I like Joan Jetts version best); I really like that song... I really like your poem.

Answer 6

TD: I used to be a s**y le...

Elaine: You do, and I'll slap ya'!

Answer 7

This is going to hurt sets the beat between the lines of the rhyming couplets, and is the germinal idea of the piece.  I've done this with poems, but our readers get tired of repetition.  Try it as a refrain between two sextets or three quatrains, it may help while retaining the idea that is strong.  I've felt both the pain and the relief.  Healing takes place once we confront the things that hurt

Answer 8

OUCH!

It Hurts alright!