How do you feel when a stranger gives your child money for sweets in the street?

Question

Every time my 3 year old daughter has a tantrum in the streets or in a shop there is always someone (usually an elderly lady) who comes over to us, opens there purse and gives my daughter some money for sweets.

I don't like this because i see it as giving my daughter a reward for bad behaviour.

I also feel intimidated as my daughter does not need 'more sweets' if she wants something then i will buy it myself, it makes me wonder if when people see my daughter having a tantrum they think i am depriving her of treats or something, this is not the case though.

when strangers hand my daughter money people are watching and i feel very embarrassed accepting it.

they usually give her about 50p - £1 but one day trip out a few weeks back she managed to get nearly a fiver!

We are just normal people, a normal family with normal children who have normal tantrums but i think my daughter has got this money thing sussed.

I just feel very awkward when this happens (i wish people wouldn't do it) if i refuse the money then they get offended, I just wondered if anyone else feels the same or am i just being sensitive?

Answer 1

well thats how little old ladies are, kind of heart. in their day it was fine to do something like that.

now at 3 your child has learned that if a fuss is made someone may offer money or a lolly - so you need to make comment to the 'kind old lady' that as much as you appreciate her thoughts that you cannot accept her offer. you can offer an explanation

you also need to chat with your child about her behavior ans set boundaries like some sort of reward for good behavior.

my daughter learned really quickly that if she hounded me she wouldnt get that thing but if she was good and behaved for the whole time we were shopping that she would be offered a reward of either a new book or a little chocolate - most often she chose the book.

Answer 2

You are going to have to be very firm when people do this. Your daughter is learning a very dangerous lesson here, what happens in a few years when some1 offers her sweets to get in a car? Tell the people 'Thanks but she is not allowed to take anything from strangers'  If the people can't understand this then they must be stupid. I'm a mum of 2 and my son is nearly 4 so we've had a few tantrums. Don't let any1 interfere. It does sound as if your daughter has already learnt her tantrums will be rewarded so they'll probably get worse when you take a firm stand but just be consistent and she'll soon get the message.

Answer 3

No offense, but I can't imagine handing some screaming kid money in the middle of a store...that's just bizarre on the other people's part...

But you should simply mention that when she can behave in public, then she can have a treat, and obviously she is not behaving today.  Remember to thank them for the offer, and leave it at that.

Best of luck!

Answer 4

I agree with the answer that said, 'that's very kind but she can have sweets when she's good and today is not that occasion'...

A wise woman once told me that when you become a parent you also put in the unfortunate position of having to 'parent' adults as well.  That applies to your case, I believe.  Just say the answer above and walk away feeling good about yourself...you've managed to be polite, teach your daughter a lesson about accepting from stranger and about not throwing tantrums all in one fell swoop! ;)  You can do it! Good luck to you!

Answer 5

It sounds like she will have to stay at home if it keeps happening and in the meantime an idea is to say to her that one sign of her having a tantrum and you go home.  Make sure if you take her after saying this that you can take her straight home too and get someone else to do the shopping.

Answer 6

When I was young we where so poor that my mum used to take us out hoping that somebody would give us money for food.

"Got a couple of coppers for me starving kids mister? Missus? The poor little tykes have'nt 'ad nufink to eat for a week" "Come on missus, 'ave a 'eart"

Answer 7

just tell them "that's very kind but she's misbehaving so i can't accept it"

as you say it's rewarding her bad behaviour and she's going to kick off more  

Answer 8

You're the mum -- politely refuse the money, and say "Thank you for your kindness, but I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior," and don't allow your child to accept the money.

So WHAT if you are "depriving" her of treats?!  Maybe she hasn't earned them!  Some people are just busybodies!

Answer 9

Blimey, you are on a winner there. Never happened to me with my kids. I would be sending them out in a bad mood every day and make a few quid. Good luck to you babe.

Answer 10

Tell them -

" Thanks but no thanks, when she is a GOOD girl , *MUMMY* will buy her candy"

If they cant understand this, then yeah, get the most out of this little money making scheme while you can ( I'm joking of course)

Personally I don't believe it ever right to Bribe or "reward" a child for bad behaviour.

Thats just giving them the message that if they are BAD they will get something GOOD out of it.

And yeah, the other person has a VERY good point, that kids should never be taught to accept things from strangers, you never know when some sicko will try to lure kids into trouble.

Answer 11

Why dont you stand up for yourself and for the lessons you are trying to teach your child.

I would just say to the little old lady, My daughter is only allowed sweets when she is well behaved and as you can plainly see she is not well behaved.

I would also teach you daughter that tantrums are wrong. Take her home and send her to a naughty place (a corner of the room or a stool in a differnt room or something) make sure you explain why she is there and that she has to spend a certian amount of time there and then has to apologise.

Dont send her to her room, bedrooms should be where children feel safe and associate with good things not being naughty.

You need to nip the giving her money thing in the bud before she learns that its a way to get what she wants and you need to nip the tantrum thing in the bud as well because it doesn't stay cute for long. My friends littel boy was always throwing tantrums and when he still young it was cute but now when he does it he looks like a spoilt little brat with no respect.

Be strong.

Answer 12

Sounds like you have a nice little earner here!

Seriously, I would be very uncomfotable, and you will just have to be assertive and refuse firmly without being rude.

As you so rightly say, she will soon cotton onto the idea that bad behaviour pays

Answer 13

I find this very hard to believe, old ladies usually tut under their breath when they see spoilt kids having tantrums in the street, Nobody in their right minds that I know would ever reward a kid for bad behaviour.

Answer 14

How you are taking the offer of money is not how it's been offered especially from older people they just see it as taking your daughters mind off having a tantrum and therefore helping you.

I remember once when my I was in the post office when my oldest two were very young, my daughter was in a pram and my son on reigns and he started to have a tantrum because he wanted a handful of leaflets I said he could have one and behind my back this little old lady was giving him a handful, bless her.. she was trying to help me but I didn't take kindly to it at all and I told her this and made her put them back !! naughty of me really now I'm thinking of it now !!

Answer 15

I would make her save it. Your not going to decline it so I would say...since you were bad today you cannot spend this, then I would make her save it. I wouldn't give it to her. Then maybe when she gets enough, I would have her donate it. Maybe if she sees she is getting nothing out of it then she will stop doing it. I definetely wouldn't let her spend it or keep it for herself. Might as well go to some use I guess. Good luck!

edit. Or if they give you candy make her hand it out on halloween or give it to less fortunate children. Maybe if she is donating and seeing these people she will see that people live worse than her and can't have a lot of things, and she shouldn't throw fits just because she can't have something at that moment.

Answer 16

don't accept it

Answer 17

ok i had this wehn i was in a supermarket myself, my child was having a tantrum as i would not give my child what he wanted so he screamed an dtantrummed andi would not let him have his way,this lady came over and tried to give my child a tube of smarties i polity told her no and said that i am not rewarding his behaviour and letting him have his own way ..

this leads to the child having future tantrums wehn out then you have to give them sweets again,thats how children see it..

anywya she was telling me that it won`t hurt andthta the child is upset i just could not reason with her i was so annoyed,its me who would have to put up with bad behaviour in future trips..

she really got my goat and being that she thought it was kindness that i turned away even though i refused nicely adn when she kept on i explained exactly why you don`t give in to a child she was rude and made me feel like a bad parent,, i was so annoyed...

i know how to bring children up and my children are disciplined , i will not let my child have a tantrum andthink they can get sweets.. as this is what happens ,if you ar ein town etc and your child moans and you give them sweets then next time they willmoan and expect sweets again..this is how it works... i agree with you being unhappy about strangers handing sweets out, and then not understanding your reasoning,, these old folk soon moan when the children end up as thugs or just have no manners etc...

Answer 18

You are not being oversensitive, I would feel the same. You are just going to have to offend some well meaning people by stating that you don't encourage your daughter taking money or sweets from strangers, especially in the current climate of fear. You can also say that she doesn't need more sweets as its bad for her teeth.

Her safety and health is more important than an offended adult who should know better.

Answer 19

i cant accept that so the child not get to use on this .and i tell my children to not accept money from a stranger.

Answer 20

Sounds like you could be on your way to getting rich......Put it in a savings account and give it to the child when they grow up and become more mature. Problem solved !!

Answer 21

lol never had that before i wasnt so lucky as a child i would feel awfull and very weirded out i would prob pick my child up and just walk away you have to teach from an early age not to accept anything from a stranger money or anything  

Answer 22

I don't think you are being at all sensitive.  You have every right to be annoyed at this behaviour.

I would say to these people 'thank you very much but I really can't accept this.  She hasn't behaved well enough to deserve any sweets and with the greatest respect I would appreciate it if you could just take your money back'  

Frankly its you who has a right to be offended if someone is trying to undermine your authority as a parent.....

Answer 23

wow, tricky one! I would thank them very much for their kind offer but explain that you are trying to disipline your child and would be more grateful if they could perhaps not give to her whilst she is playing her face.   iF THIS CANT BE DONE AND IN SOME SITUATIONS i KNOW IT CAN'T- soon as the giving person has walked off take it off your daughter and put it in a pot for when she is better behaved- thus turning the lesson around and she will see she is having something taken away because of a tantrum and not given.

Answer 24

That's awful....they shouldn't do that!  Maybe you should say 'that's very kind but she can have sweets when she's good and today is not that occassion' and turn the money down.

It's putting you in an awkward position.

Answer 25

I wouldn't accept the money, if the stranger is a good person at all they should understand, if they're not you shouldn't worry about impressing them. Doesn't matter. Don't let your daughter become a b*tch. You are completely right about the rewarding her bad behavior. I'd spank her for being such a little goblin in public...